Why I Quit My College Fraternity

<p>Well I already said my kids never told me about rapey fraternities at their schools. </p>

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<p>The idea of serving alcohol in hopes of encouraging physicality is as old as history. I have a hard time getting worked up about that, or calling men “rapey” because they think about it or even try it. The idea is simply not offensive to me, I guess.</p>

<p>Patriarchy is our history. And misogyny and rape culture. We don’t have to accept these ideas. At this point in my life I have finally begun to get offended. </p>

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<p>*Part of the problem I have is with the idea that women are “lured” into these situations. Is the woman always the victim and the man the predator?</p>

<p>Much of peoples’ opinions on this issue is colored by their views of gender bias or empowerment, imo.* </p>

<p>We still live in a patriarchy. Women still have (much!) less power than men. Arguing gender bias in this case seems to me like a homophobe, when called a bigot, saying it is bigoted to use that term and that everyone has the right to their own opinions. example: You are bigoted if you call someone a bigot. This is just BS - imo</p>

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<p>*I don’t use the term slutty, but yes, I do think parents need to warn their sons about promiscuous women. I know you don’t have sons, so maybe you are unaware that many girls/women are sexually aggressive towards young men, and young men are also vulnerable and can get confused about that. There is serious, serious risk to men having sex, obviously unprotected, with women indiscriminately. While a woman always has a “choice” about the consequences of unprotected sex (pregnancy), a man never does. Further, underage women on college campuses are a potential problem for men from a statutory rape perspective, which is why I wish parents would keep their underage daughters away. *</p>

<p>Rape of women on college campuses, and their subsequent silencing is a fact. Are sexually aggressive young women on college campuses a comparable problem? I don’t know. I do think it is fairly easy for the young men to just say “no” or ask for an ID. If young men have to be on their guard before engaging in sex, why is that a problem? We expect this from young women. We BLAME them when they aren’t responsible. Is our expectation that young men aren’t held to the same standards? Also, I have no idea why any young man wouldn’t be using a condom. I told my sons they better be responsible for birth control themselves, that that was the gentlemanly thing to do. </p>

<p>Since I discovered the concept of rape culture, I’m looking at the world in a new way. My eyes are opened. Rapey is a good word. It names a problem that needs naming. It serves a higher purpose. </p>

<p>It’s not a problem for men to be on guard before they have sex. My point was that parents of boys do need to warn them to be on guard, especially with women they don’t know well. I assume you did that with your boys too. </p>

<p>What brand of condom do they use?</p>

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<p>I’m confused. Men can get pregnant? Don’t both partners have a choice about using birth control (assuming it is not a rape situation, of course). </p>

<p>uhhhhh, no OHMom, men cannot get pregnant.</p>

<p>Men also do not get to choose what to do about a pregnancy if it happens.</p>

<p>Is there birth control that is 100% effective nowadays? I need to know about that.</p>

<p>I just looked up the CDC website, and typical failure rate for condoms is 18%.</p>

<p>I have never warned my sons to be on guard against predatory women. I told straight/gay sons to treat their partners with respect and follow the golden rule. I never warned them in any way about dangerous women. It never occurred to me to do so. I think using condoms is part of respecting a partner.</p>

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<p>Perhaps because it doesn’t happen to them.</p>

<p>Looks like condom PLUS something else is the way to go, preferably something a guy can confirm is being used…diaphragm, IUD?</p>

<p>Failure rates correlate to correct use. The CDC rates are “The percentages indicate the number out of every 100 women who experienced an unintended pregnancy within the first year of typical use of each contraceptive method.” WHO organization says with correct use condoms are 98% effective. So men do have a choice.</p>

<p><a href=“Condom use 101: Basic errors are so common, study finds”>http://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/condom-use-101-basic-errors-are-so-common-study-finds-f207925&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Ok, but the 98% effective rate is with “perfect use.” The 18% failure rate is for “typical use.”</p>

<p>My son isn’t perfect. He is much more typical.</p>

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<p>Why do you think you have a double standard about that? I mean, why do you think women need to be warned about “rapey” men, but men can just go it alone without any warnings from their parents or others about women who might take advantage of them?</p>

<p>^ I’m guessing because rape of men by women is extremely rare.</p>

<p>Edited to add: Men seem to be warned about women who might use consensual to get pregnant/force marriage.</p>

<p>Oh god, Bay. Don’t be an idiot. For women between the ages of 18 and 44, the single biggest risk factor for death and injury is men. Combining car accidents, illness, catastrophe and every other risk factor, men are still the single biggest danger to a woman’s life and safety. Oddly, women do not even get on the list for risk factors to young men. Men, however, do. </p>

<p>If men want a choice about pregnancy and STDs, then they should learn to use a condom perfectly. It ain’t rocket science. Many mothers’ of girls teach their daughters perfect use . . .</p>

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<p>You’d think that girls would be much more interested in “perfect” use since they are the ones who get pregnant, but statistics suggest that girls aren’t so good at being perfect either.</p>

<p>I’m in agreement with Bay in that parents need to warn their daughters and their sons about predatory people of both sexes. Being the parent of both a daughter and a son, I’ve personally seen a lot more aggressive/shady behavior from the girls my son knows than from the boys my daughter knows (although I suspect that she’s had better taste in her friends than he’s had in his). Nevertheless, I don’t think that all girls are always the powerless victims in sexual encounters.</p>

<p>All kids need to be warned about unscrupulous or unbalanced people in social/sexual situations.</p>

<p>Most girls are not powerless in sexual situations. Rape is a criminal situation. Not sexual. And yes, men are occasionally victims of rape. Though the perpetrators tend to be men in most of those cases. </p>

<p>Geez, protecting my vulnerable son makes me an idiot. That’s a new one.</p>

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<p>*Why do you think you have a double standard about that? I mean, why do you think women need to be warned about “rapey” men, but men can just go it alone without any warnings from their parents or others about women who might take advantage of them? *</p>

<p>I am guessing it would be difficult to overstate how very different our parenting styles were. My husband and I raised young men who marched with their female friends at Take Back The Night events. My sons see violence against women as a societal problem. They understand that as men, in a patriarchy, they operate always from a position of power. They understand white privilege. They understand heteronormative privilege. </p>

<p>I am guessing you really do understand what double standard means, even if it isn’t apparent from your post.</p>

<p>My son grew up in a household with two ambitious older sisters, who probably could not have achieved much more than they have so far. So you may be right that your son’s exposure to the condition of women today came from an extremely different perspective.</p>

<p>I am willing to believe your daughters are super achievers. I am positive they haven’t achieved more than my daughter-in-law. That would be impossible. Not many people in the world have accomplished what she has. That doesn’t change the fact that most women still don’t have the same opportunities as most men in this country and in the world. My daughter-in-law is changing that reality in her field. She is a pioneer of sorts.</p>