Why I Quit My College Fraternity

<p>You can make friends with others at your college who you meet through classes, clubs, the dorm. If you sent out an email 30 years later and asked these friends to get together for a BBQ or to attend a ballgame together, how many would come? We had 15 or so show up a few weeks ago with very little notice because two women happened to be in town. We are not all BBFs (several are my best friends and godparents to my children), but we all had fun together in college and enjoy meeting up occasionally. Most of us have children about the same ages (some even have grandchildren now) and it’s just enjoyable to be friends. My high school friends only meet up every five years, at the official reunions.</p>

<p>Over the years, I’ve had groups of friends formed because our children were in activities together, because we went to the same church or were in the same clubs or even because we lived in the same neighborhood. Usually when the reason we became friends is gone (kids no longer in day care, not on the same teams, move), those friendships are also over. No hard feelings, just no reason to keep getting together. It’s not the same with sorority friends. A few years ago one of my sorority sisters lost her mother. Seven others drove through a snowstorm to just be at the funeral for support. This woman had many other friends from her dorm, her major, her clubs, but none of those came to the funeral.</p>

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<p>If you lived where I do, you probably wouldn’t say that. I’ve lived in safer places where I ignored people, but I rarely try to do that where I am now. Please don’t assume that you know how I can best protect myself. How much does it hurt me to say thank you? Very little. How much did it hurt my friend when she was punched in the face after she ignored a man bothering her? A heck of a lot more.</p>

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I find it interesting that you say you “were” in a sorority instead of saying that you “are” in one. My grandfather, uncle, and cousin who pledged Alpha Phi Alpha at college and describe their membership in the present tense. My brother, a Q (Omega Psi Phi), does the same, as do my aunt and cousin who are Deltas (Delta Sigma Theta). I’ve heard that it’s more common in the Panhellenic/historically black Greek letter organizations for people to actively consider themselves members of the group for life, but I don’t know if this seems to be the case to anyone else. </p>

<p>I consider myself a member for life, just used ‘was in a sorority’ as I was talking about when I joined in the past. I actually have more trouble with ‘sorority’ because we always refer to it as a fraternity, because that’s what it is.</p>

<p>I also find nothing wrong with ‘frat’ so can’t be trusted to use ‘was’ or ‘am’ correctly.</p>

<p>This is probably way off-topic, but my 8th grade science teacher who was African American had been in an African American fraternity, and he had a Greek letter that had been BRANDED onto his arm!! He had a huge scar of the Greek letter. It still makes me shudder to think about it. </p>

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<p>My brother actually has tons of brands for his frat. OK, maybe not tons, but I’d say 4 or 5. He went to an HBCU in the late 90s/early 2000s and it was not uncommon.</p>

<p>Millancad, years ago, when stranger men told me to smile, I would reply, “my mother just died.” All were deeply embarrassed (and probably got a glimpse of the concept of harassment), all except one. He yelled, “You don’t have to be a ■■■■■ about it.” There is some real misogyny out there, but mostly there are cultural norms where some guy thinks he is cheering girls up…</p>

<p>This year I will be attending a reunion of sorts with a dozen of my sorority sisters. We are coming together from all over the country. Since college, our lives have taken different paths, but the bonds of friendship remain. Like @twoinanddone‌ indicated, these are friends that have been, and I know will continue to be, there for one another. I wouldn’t change that experience for anything. </p>

<p>In contrast, my S joined a fraternity that he later regretted. Instead of quitting, he tried to work inside the organization to change their hazing practices. He found the mentality of “I had to endure this crap so the new pledges should too” pervasive and difficult to overcome. But increasingly, this fraternity attracted fewer pledges, and had more and more pledges drop out due to hazing. Boys began choosing fraternities known not to haze. Not all fraternities are the same. I think change is happening, albeit slowly. There are many outstanding fraternal organizations. I’d hate to see those fall by the wayside due to some bad apples. </p>

<p>According to <a href=“http://www.kansas.com/2013/04/14/2762102/more-fraternities-opting-to-go.html”>http://www.kansas.com/2013/04/14/2762102/more-fraternities-opting-to-go.html&lt;/a&gt; , about 20% of fraternity chapters nationwide have gone dry.</p>

<p>That still leaves the question of hazing, but perhaps there may be an indirect effect, since dry fraternities won’t have alcohol-based hazing, and cutting alcohol consumption reduces some of the stupidity that tends to come out of drunk people.</p>

<p>Here’s a little test you can perform, if you have a daughter (or even a son) at a college that has fraternities. Ask your kid which fraternity is the most “rapey.” If they say, “None of them is rapey,” then perhaps the Greek system is really good at that college. But most of them will immediately tell you which one is the rapiest.</p>

<p>Rapey?</p>

<p>Sorry, but I find that to be a very bizarre and creepy test! If a parent thinks there are unaddressed rapes taking place at a college, why on Earth isn’t he doing something other than “testing” his child’s knowledge of it?</p>

<p>Or ask yourself at which fraternity house you’d let your sixteen years old daughter spend a Saturday night. Or your son for that matter. </p>

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Bay, do you have a kid at a college that has fraternities? If you don’t, you may not realize that this has become a very common term on college campuses that do have fraternities.</p>

<p>What does that prove, xiggi? I wouldn’t let my 16 year old son or daughter spend the night in any college dorm or even apartment of college kids.</p>

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<p>All three of my kids are Greeks. I have never heard any of them use that term. If I did, I’d suggest they stop using it, and I certainly wouldn’t start using it.</p>

<p>I don’t go as far as Xiggi, but I think it’s not much of a secret that at many, many colleges with Greek systems, there are specific fraternities that cause problems year after year. They often get some mild punishment, but people still pledge, and sooner or later (often sooner), the problems recur. The problems vary–they can be hazing, binge drinking, sexual assault, racially offensive parties, physical damage, etc. The common theme is that not much is done about it, I guess because money talks.</p>

<p>It may have something to do with how we define rapey. When a fraternity marches through campus shouting “no means yes, yes means anal” some call it rapey language. Others call it humor and not worth getting all bent out of shape about. My kids call it rapey. One of my kids is a fraternity member. </p>

<p>ETA: rape, including gang rape, took place in fraternity houses in the 70s when I was a sorority girl and all my brothers were fraternity boys. It still happens today. You don’t have to look far for the headlines discussing this.</p>

<p>Its too bad that serious words have become so casually used to describe behavior that isn’t what the word means. It seems to me it would be harmful for women that the word “rape” has lost its meaning. What word is used now to describe actual rapes?</p>

<p>Its also interesting how it is being said that using “rapey” to describe male college students is now acceptable, when “slut-shaming” is not. Hypocritical? I think it is.</p>

<p>Bay, I think you are correct that “rapey” is probably the wrong choice of word since it has the sense of minimizing the act. What word(s) would you use to describe Deke’s behavior or the sort of fraternity houses all sensible sorority girls are supposed to avoid? What language is appropriate?</p>

<p>I liked Hunt’s exercise and think it is actually a pretty good suggestion.</p>

<p>I have no desire to censor the conversation here, but I can’t be the only person that finds the glib use of a term like “rapey” rather horrifying. I’ve lectured my own kid (who has a pretty sophisticated and dark sense of humor) that there are certain things a young man should NEVER joke about, and one of them is rape. Not funny. Ever. Leave that kind of humor to professionals, and preferably females ones, like Sarah Silverman.</p>

<p>And for the record, Hunt’s very specific definition of “rapey” is not showing up in the top results of Urban Dictionary when I search, so I question just how universal the use of the term is on campuses these days. Perhaps it’s a regional thing? </p>

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<p>… Because that should be the exact same reflex triggered when letting your 18 years old freshman in college getting close to a fraternity. </p>

<p>Is there a lot of difference between a 16 years old who tends to be chaperoned to death and a 18 years old leaving the nest in terms of maturity? </p>

<p>What magical event happens during the summer after HS graduation that parents jump from worrying to death about prom might sort grad parties and the Fall when kids take off to an unsupervised life in college? </p>

<p>The point of all of this is that parents are forced to relinquish most supervision to the colleges. In theory, the new independence should be waWhat does that prove, xiggi? I wouldn’t let my 16 year old son or daughter spend the night in any college dorm or even apartment of college kids.
rranted and beneficial. Yet, how much do you trust your school to protect your kid? The reality is that the answer, based on their records, is that you should NOT trust the safety of your kids to the current crop of college admins, and especially not after dark or when a student needs help. </p>