The old NYC neighborhood I grew up in had a large population of Catholics. Mostly Latino from the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico with a few Cubans followed by a few Irish and Italians. While a few families were large, the vast majority were 2 kids or less…no different than the ideal “real murikan” family.
The only thing different from the Catholics I knew in my old NYC neighborhood and among middle/HS classmates compared with mainstream New Yorkers was the more religious among them tended to date and marry much earlier than average. One HS buddy married not too long after HS graduation while in his first year of undergrad. Interestingly enough, he is one of only two HS classmates from my graduating class whose “early marriage”* is still going strong to this day.
Also, contrary to some Catholic stereotypes I’ve heard from college/post-college friends and acquaintances, the ones in my old neighborhood weren’t always limiting themselves only to Catholic schools for K-12 or college.
In fact, several Catholic families and even Catholic elementary school teachers made it a point to warn those of us who weren’t Catholic or aware of the local Catholic educational institutions which Catholic schools were good(i.e. Regis, Notre Dame, Georgetown, Fordham, Manhattan College) and which ones to avoid (St. Michaels, St. John’s U(Except Pharmacy), and Boston College(Mainly because of the heavy drinking/partying/sports campus culture)).
Incidentally, in my area/social circles, the stereotype of having large families tends to be more often associated with extreme fundamentalist Protestants, not Catholics. Figure the larger birthrates per household in the “bible belt” areas and shows like the Duggars and greater legal and social restrictions on abortion/birth control may have something to do with that:
Well, I am Asian and I grew up in one of Asian country until I graduate middle school
I would like to say Asian families care about their child’s scores and extra activities but general families do same thing.
Then you will be curious about why are Koreans, Chineses or Japaneses are so good at everything.
It is true that Asian families do care more than American familiy, but the reason is their parents want their children to live in better environment and to not be ignored by other people, because in America Asians are minority.
I am a first generation Asian parent. From my own experience, the reason we push our kids so hard was our culture view knowledge above all things, and our own cut-throat experience to get into college. Also another important factor is we were raised this way, we just copy our parents’ parenting style.
My mom was a very demanding parent. She would spank me if I don’t get 100% on a test or first place in the class. Although it’s causing psychological problem to me now, but for many years, I was very thankful to my mom. Without her high expection and strictness, I would not be where I am. We became very close after I achieved things beyond her dream.
So when I became a parent, I immediately used the same method to raise my dd. Being the oldest, she went through some tough time. But I evolved. I read positive encouragement sometimes work better. I also learned it’s wrong to spank a helpless child. So my second had a much easier time. I also did not force him to learn an instrument. Today, my dd is a student in U of Michigan, and my son will be one too later this year. They turned out to be about the same.
My point is some of us Asian parents just don’t know other way to raise their kids except following our parents. I hope other young Asian parents learn better ways to raise high achievers with high EQ (I am a very unhappy person for a large part due to strict childhood). I hope I did not cause irreversible damage to my dd.
Thank you for your brave and honest post, JH8888. You are to be commended for your willingness to try a new approach. Would you say that the other first generation parents you know here in the US also spank their children for grades that aren’t perfect or high enough?
@TheGFG as the daughter of first-generation Asian immigrants and a student in an ultra-competitive suburban school where thirty percent of the population is Asian, I can assert that my own parents, as well as my friends’, are not emotionally or physically abusive but rather deeply loving and self-sacrificing. Yes, many of us have 4.0 GPAs and 2300+ SATs and play the violin or piano well, but that’s due more to intrinsic motivation and even teachers’ expectations than parental pressure.
Good for you! I hope it works out for you and the remaining 30 percent of Asians at your school in a couple of days, and next year. I also hope all those loving parents will help the kids accept the decisions of the schools.
How can I prepare him to press on, despite tragedy and hardship?
The truth is, I can’t. There’s no way to prepare a child for this. But the one thing I can do is to teach him to excel at everything he does, particularly school. Education is the means not only to survival, but to societal advancement. I want him to strive to be the best.
Not just his best. The best.
I’ve taught my son that school is his job, and to take pride in that job. He’s bright enough to earn the highest grades. Why settle for less? That’s a quote from the above article…trust me, it’s not just Asians, it’s many of us, and I have no problem with the letter of this article
Because love of learning is more important than straight A’s. Because the pressure of having to be “the best” (not just one’s best, but THE best) can lead to psychological damage. I thought that was obvious?
@supercilious Congrats on your accomplishments! Don’t let the views of insensitive, dismissive people silence your voice, when you want to defend the parenting of you and your peers. I commend your parents for raising a daughter who will not be silenced. More power to you!
Well I do, because I recognize the different meanings of the words “many” and “all” or even “most.” And truth does not frighten me or tempt me to suppress what may be unpleasant to hear, admit, and process.
Many US students are lazy, (I teach and have taught them.)
which is nevertheless harmonious with…
Many US students are not lazy. (I teach and have taught them.)
Many Chinese immigrant parents, particularly those in certain regions of the country, are what can be called “Tiger Parents.” (I teach and have taught them.)
which is nevertheless harmonious with…
Many are not. (I teach and have taught them and have close, mutually trusting and even affectionate relationships with them.)
DS 16 just showed me a recent essay he wrote for an AP class on tiger parenting and the damage it was doing to his friends. We live in a very affluent SoCal community that is about 50% Asian. Most of my kids friends are Asian. Most of our social circle is Asian. And one thing I can say is that all my Asian friends are tiger parents. All of them. Many of them are dear friends, some of the best friends I have ever had. Most are at least moderately successful and are wonderful people. But holy cow, they are so terrified about their children not getting into the right school. I can remember one couple crying last year because their son was doing EECS at UCB. Not out of joy but out of sadness that he didn’t get into Stanford, CalTech, or MIT. Nevermind that EECS at UCB is arguably one of the greatest most well respected and most competitive educational programs in the world.
The kids that really suffer are the ones with Bs. A couple of my son’s closest friends are 3.5ish Asian kids and their parents, who are otherwise wonderful people, treat them like complete failures. Nevermind that these kids are killing themselves to try to make the family proud. And it’s probably limited to the more affluent communities where the parents have the time, money, and energy to focus on their kids because they don’t have to deal with the pressure of just getting by like the rest of the world. But it’s real and it’s tragic.
…and the possibly larger or equally significant point is that poor mental health has been shown in many if not most cases to compromise academic performance. Some students can steel themselves despite enormous unhappiness; others break and under-perform because of it. Generally, something has to give, so if they continue performing while miserable, then may end up like this: http://www.pressdemocrat.com/csp/mediapool/sites/PressDemocrat/News/story.csp?cid=2181108&sid=555&fid=181
Not sure how prevelant this is or not, but the one experience we had left a lasting impression on our family. A few years back on a family cruise, we were having breakfast in the main dining room and seated at the table next to us was an asian family with two young children. At first we didn’t think what we were seeing was real but it quickly became apparent that it wasn’t a joke, they would not let their children eat until answering advanced math problems, science questions in a quick and decisive manner. The younger child, who we figured was maybe a couple of years older then our son at the time, so maybe 10 or 11, was being asked to solve square root of 4 and 5 digit numbers without the use of a calculator or pen and paper. The daughter who was a couple years older was being given physics type questions to answer. Our take way was if this was how they treated them in public, on vacation, granted it was during the school year, Thanksgiving break, how were they treated at home. Sad!!!
I remember an elementary Christmas concert. While the family waited for the big brother to perform, the mother drilled the 7 year old on multiplication and division facts. Over and over, the little sister never got to play with her friends. We all got to see the tiger mother prove the brilliance of her cub.
The family was white. Those evil white people forcing their children to perform in public. I can’t imagine how those kids were treated at home, but I can tell you that I discouraged my girls from being friends with such a family.
That’s sad, whatever the ethnicity of the family.
I have a memory of being a small child and my father giving me math questions to do in my head for fun, like a bedtime story. You can challenge kids to learn without torturing them!