<p>paying3 is right on target. Your parents don't know your friends well enough yet. Inviting them to your house for a few days is the best present you could give your mom (assuming she's up for the chaos, cooking, late night noise!) Give them a chance to like and trust your friends.</p>
<p>I'm a little confused, who are these friends that live up to 6 hours away? Are these your new college friends? You can't get by for 5-6 weeks without seeing people that were complete strangers 3 months ago? Are these high school friends that moved far away?</p>
<p>Do you see where I'm headed?
You have gotten some good adivce. If your circle of friends/acquaintances in high school included several people who were lost to drugs or alcohol, then i don't blame your parents for being protective and careful - they are doing you a favor, even if it doesn't seem that way now.</p>
<p>My winter break is over six weeks long. I cannot visit many of my friends during the day because they live extremely far away (up to 6 hrs). I dislike the (few) people I hung out with in HS and would not visit any of them. HS was Hell for me. My new college friends are very close to me, and very important to me. Being mostly alone for six weeks isn't my idea of a great winter break.</p>
<p>I do consider this rule unreasonable because I have been in a completely unsupervised environment for 3 months and made very smart decisions on my own. Also, my former friends were not "lost" to drugs and alcohol. They are all in college now and doing fine despite the fact that they were in the "druggie" clique. But because that was their idea of fun, I lost touch with them. I made that decision, and it was a very hard one for me to make...because those were my friends...maybe not "real" ones or "good" ones...but I had known them since elementary school...and I didn't have anyone else. And my parents think I went through that just to say, screw it, and go crazy? It's not that they don't know the "real" me that bothers me; their paranoia totally diminishes what I think was one of my strongest moments and the hardest part of my life.</p>
<p>OK, you don't like the other suggestions (although why your friends 6 hours away can't meet you midway during the day - I've done 3 hour drives in one day - and why you can't drive to see them on a night when their parents will be home - are questions you have yet to answer).</p>
<p>I have one more to let you "survive" your break - Get a job! Or volunteer somewhere. Keep yourself busy.</p>
<p>Of course, it's always more fun to complain about how "unreasonable" parents are, because of course we don't remember what it's like to be a college student.</p>
<p>You know what is really funny about your post? You want to be recognized as an adult and be treated as such, but your complaint centers around being with your friends all night. Most adults I know don't think they are entitled to just be with friends whenever they want. "6 weeks alone isn't my idea of a winter break." Hmm, look around. Are any adults you see getting 6 weeks off from what they do? Didn't think so. What you are asking to do is so juvenile and self centered it is going to be hard to be treated like an adult. </p>
<p>You sound like a good, responsible kid. You follow the rules, probably get good grades, etc. I don't think this is really about trust. I think it may be more about learning that just because you have six weeks off doesn't entitle you to be entertained. </p>
<p>We all realize when our kids have been away that they have been living their own pseudo adult lives. When you come home you want us to acknowledge that. I can tell you we are far more likely to do that if we see evidence that you are acting like adults and that involves more than just doing "chores."</p>
<p>An adult pitches in and helps without being asked. They look around where they are staying and say, "Hey, what can I do to help?" They run errands, they carry in groceries, get the car washed, etc. They notice if it is a busy time for someone else and do what they can to make it easier.</p>
<p>If there are older relatives around, they check in with them and see if they can do anything for them. </p>
<p>Whether or not your parents are paying for college, they are paying for your home and for your food (and probably a car, insurance, etc.). My hunch is that you plopped your stuff down, checked the refrigerator, had some obligatory chit-chat with the old folks, went on to facebook, stayed up 'til the wee hours, woke up after your parents were working, and then decided it was boring being at home. Too bad. </p>
<p>Until you REALLY appreciate your family, you are still a child (albeit a good one) and no amount of whining will convince them otherwise. </p>
<p>Now, aren't your mom and dad looking a whole lot better? Just think you could have me as a parent.</p>
<p>I'd like to add a different perspective:</p>
<p>It's not about having parties or sex or doing drugs; they do trust you. But it's about "what other people might think." It's about your reputation.</p>
<p>If you stay at someone's house with no parental supervision, your parents are worried about what the neighbors will say. Even neighbors whom they don't know and who don't know you.</p>
<p>This is what I got from my mother 8,000 years ago. I suspect it still exists.</p>
<p>How reasonable are your parents in other ways? If it's really that important to you, would it be possible for you to arrange it so they could come and spend the night too--at least once? Now, you have to get the friend's consent, of course, and warn your other friends. You'd also have to get your parents to agree that they cannot enforce their rules--11 pm curfew--on your friends. They'd have to agree to stay in the background--holed up in a bedroom, etc. </p>
<p>Don't dismiss the idea immediately. Maybe if your parents did this once and met the kids you are hanging out with in college, they would feel more comfortable about letting you do this. I had very strict parents myself, but they were a lot better about letting me go stay with friends during summer who were away from home and living on their own when they KNEW the friends. </p>
<p>Yes, I know. My plan's a little weird. But it might be the case that there are one or two kids in the same boat whose parents would let them come if they knew there would be parents there. And if your parents see that these are good responsible kids who just want to hang out and have fun, maybe next time they's say yes.</p>
<p>I mention this just in case it is true that your own home is inconveniet geographically.</p>
<p>First and foremost, I really appreciate all of the posts suggesting ways to stay in touch with my friends because I am EXTREMELY inconvenient geographically so any kind of suggestion helps me think things out. I also appreciate insight into what my parents might be thinking, since they didn't tell me. Those are the things I was looking for. Also, keep in mind that it's hard to address every suggestion in every post. This thread wasn't really about, let me explain every minute detail of the entire situation. So I know I am getting some posts that say, "Hey, well, you still haven't answered why you can't do THIS." But certain things are difficult for me and that's that (ex. my parents would not let me drive to another state, so of course driving 6 hrs to my friends would be out of the question in my personal situation). But I am keeping in mind all suggestions that are feasible. paying3tuitions, thank you especially for your very long and thought out post. It was very thoughtful. I am nervous about "entertaining" and have always been, especially with my parents around, but maybe it's something I have to learn to get over. </p>
<p>A few posts, however, have been very rude and not insightful in these ways. worknprogress, your post bothered me especially. Please do not project what your kids do, or what you witness other kids doing, onto me. I am very responsible around the house, cleaning up after myself as well as my pets, younger sister, and my parents when they are too busy and haven't gotten to it themselves yet. In my family, that is what we call "chores." We never did the chart, you take out the trash, you do the dishes, etc. Everyone is just expected to pitch in and do the things that need to be done without being asked. Also, I am an early riser so I usually wake up a bit earlier than the rest of my family actually. So again I hope to not get any comments that rant about what kind of kid I probably am. I guess in general this is why I'm so upset about this situation. I am being called irresponsible, etc. and really I know I have been generally very on top of things and it's something I really truly put a huge amount of effort into. I don't like it when I devote so much of myself to being a good family member and a responsible kid and etc. but basically get all of that disregarded.</p>
<p>Good comment about being worried about "reputation." In fact, my parents did mention that, about "what it would look like." That bugs me because I don't think people should be concerned about what others think, they should be concerned about what's actually going on. It's really nobody else's business. But that's a good point, I can see that one.</p>
<p>My apologies, frustratedfrshmn. I wasn't basing it on my girls, rather some generalizations of relatives and a couple of friends who have come home for the holidays. The ones who complain the most about not being with their friends are the ones who are least engaged or helpful in their families. My DD's are somewhere in the middle. They work part-time, help when asked, will probably be bored with us shortly, but will just look forward to returning to school and not worry about getting together with school friends over the holidays.</p>
<p>I was probably unfairly harsh because the one among the kids who is the most grown up out of the group is the marine who has returned. Believe me, he is happy to have a little time with nothing to do. He is not worrying about surviving winter break. I find it interesting that of all the kids, he is the least inclined to talk about how he has managed on his own and he is the most openly appreciative of his parents.</p>
<p>So, once again my apologies. Your complaints about your parents hit me the wrong way and it was out of character for me.</p>
<p>In my case it would be about respect of other people's property.... My son is heading to a bowl game 4 states away with a bunch of friends. My aunt has offered to let them stay at her house, and they are happy to have a free place to stay. While I'm worried, I'm letting him go, and glad he's going to have a great time.</p>
<p>OTOH, I would NOT be happy with the 7 of them staying at anyone's home without the owner being present. Note that I didn't say "an adult." I said OWNER. Your parents may feel (as I would) that IF something were to happen, (damage of property) while the owners are not there, they'd feel responsible for making it right. And the folks who feel responsible often end up holding the bag. </p>
<p>I've raised 3 boys. Someone once told me that after a certain number of males are in a group, for each one you add all their IQ's drop 10 points. I'm not SURE that this is the explanation, but I've certainly seen situations where this theory would explain a lot.</p>
<p>Just remember "adult" isn't a number. "Adult" is paying your own way, holding down a job, paying the bills, etc., etc. As long as the young people I raised are coming back to my home from someplace I'm paying for, I have no problem in asking them to follow my rules. In a few years (God willing) they'll be visiting from their own homes. At that point I hope they'll be pleasant and respectful (in the not coming in at all hours and making too much noise sense of the word) houseguests.</p>
<p>To the OP - back to the issue at hand... I really think you should shift your energy from railing against the rule and arguing about it, to finding another solution to visiting your friends. What would you do if central-friend weren't there?</p>
<p>My parents are out of town and I am not allowed to leave the house for 2 weeks. When they are in town, I have to call them at every place I leave and go to. I hate being at home.</p>
<p>Hey there; also a college student. <em>wave</em> </p>
<p>So, I have <em>some</em> sympathy for you, because it sounds like you're really upset about this, and because I think it's nice that you managed to meet such close friends in college so quickly, after what sounds like some trouble in high school. Also, you sound like a nice enough person. </p>
<p>In regards to solutions to your problem; there really don't seem to be that many options. Your friends can go to your place - a six hour drive for some, right? Which is alot to ask, I think. You can go to one of your friends' (except the "middle" one, I guess) a six hour drive for you.</p>
<p>What you have to realize though, I think, is that your options aren't so limited because your parents are being unreasonable or even abnormally paranoid. This sounds like a normal rule to me, I personally wouldn't even ask if I could go 3-6 hours and spend the night at X's house (when her parents are away to boot), because I know I'd be shot down without even asking. </p>
<p>The problem here, I think, is that you're making an unusual demand. Most kids who go away to college <em>don't</em> see their college friends when they're on break back home. That's kind of part of the going-away-to-college deal, as far as I'm concerned. Why you would expect to see your college friends who live states away while on break escapes me, to tell the truth. </p>
<p>For the record, since you're wondering why this rule suddenly appeared - I have no clue about you, but I know that my own parents' reasoning would go something like
- Reputation
- As they're new friends, they don't know the people I'm staying over with
- They've just spent months having a very limited to no idea of what I've been doing, and now they've got me back under their roof and are maybe being more controlling than I'm used to to make up for feeling out of control previously. </p>
<p>To wrap up: It sounds to me like you're having trouble with this rule because you had certain expectations (seeing/ staying over at your new friends who live hours away). I don't think your parents are being unreasonable; most parents I know have the same rules for their kids, college or otherwise. </p>
<p>Anyway, I'm sure that in four months, you'll be back in college enjoying your friends and the six weeks (assuming you never get to see them during break) will seem like less of a big deal when you look back. Till then, well, there's your phone and the internet. Good luck, but whether you meet up with them or not, I think you'll live. </p>
<ul>
<li>Done rambling.</li>
</ul>
<p>My daughter is also home for 6 weeks. Some friends in NYC asked her to go into town to party and crash at his place. My daughter said, "I don't think so. What planet are you from? Do you know my mother?" She understands that without knowing the family, there is no way I would let her sleep over. I may let her go, and sleep over at our friend's house, but that's a complete different scenario. She asked to drive 2 hours to visit a good friend in PA, but she stayed at her friend's dorm, not at someone's home without the owner's permission.</p>
<p>I have to say, since she has been home she has contacted her friends in college less and less. She is spending more time with her friends from HS now that most of them are home. She is also spending quite a bit of quality time with us.</p>
<p>There is no reason to be bored for 6 weeks at home - do some errands, get a job. You would be surprised how fast time passes. My daughter went back to her tutoring job, also secured a summer internship. She also caught up with "Dancing with the Stars."</p>
<p>Frustratedfrshman: You said your parents wouldn't let you drive 6 hours to another state. Is there another way to get there?? Greyhound or train or even plane??</p>
<p>I understand both both sides of this situation. My D is a college senior home for 4 weeks and she has been splitting her time well between family, BF and friends. I suspect your parents are not only worried about your safety, but also missing you. Many kids who go off to college are so excited about their new life and friends they may not realize how hard an adjustment it is for the parents to have their child be out of the house. This is your first time back home in awhile, and it IS the biggest family holiday of the year. I am suggesting that maybe the issue isn't so much that they are trying to control you as that they just want you to be home for awhile before you go back to school. Maybe spring break would be a better time to plan a college group get together. Give them some warning though, and make solid, sensible plans.</p>
<p>I have to admit I didn't carefully read all of the above posts, so I don't know if this was already suggested, but here goes:</p>
<p>Can you ask your parents to help you come up with a solution? Surely they know what you went through in HS and are happy that you have made such good friends at college. That is what we as parents really hope for! I can understand their feeling of losing control and of the fact of having a child at home is no longer true for them. They don't want to lose their "baby." I can sympathize. But, they have to learn that you are no longer that person, and they have to believe they did a good job bringing you up and teaching you good values. From what you have written, you are a very responsible and reasonable person. That's great. Now, your parents need to learn to trust you and themselves. One step might be asking them for their advice on this. You sound like you want to follow their rules, but you also don't want to be lonely and missing your buds for such a long time. Maybe they can come up with something that you all feel can be a good compromise. They really risk creating a rift between you that will only end up hurting them in the end. Maybe next break you will decide to do other things than come home. They would hate to lose you that way, and that could happen, I would guess.</p>