Strict home rules

Hey guys I am a 19 years old college sophomore. I love my parents and I appreciate them but I don’t really enjoy coming home for break because they have some such strict rules. I can’t go out at night not even to my backyard. If I do go out during the day I can’t get rides from my friends or even Uber their my self. I can’t sleep over at my friends houses ethier. I get good grades, I work a part time job and have a intership and I have given them no reason for them not to trust me. They say it’s for my safety because they say anything can happen at night and my brothers told me I’m selfish and spolit for complaining about these rules but I honestly feel very isolated and cut off from my friends when I m at home and I don’t know what to do.

There even came to a point where my mom yelled at me for crossing the street because she said"Im too young to cross the street at night by myself"

College is about growing … in this case your parents need to grow. Throwing a fit will not work but telling your parents that you plan to limit your time at home due to your treatment might.

Do you have anyone who can intervene on your behalf? Someone your parents respect of their same culture? This may be one of those situations where you do the best you can and then once you graduate -you just don’t visit your folks very often.

Have you tried having a conversation about this with them when it is not at a time when they are forbidding you to do something? I mean, sitting them down and saying, “Mom and Dad, I’m hoping I can talk with the both of you about this.” Perhaps there is a way to reach some compromises.

IMO you should be permitted to do all of the things you say they won’t let you do, as you are a young adult. Certainly your desires to do the things you mention are perfectly reasonable; you’re not asking to go to some crazy drug-fueled party or walk alone through your city’s most dangerous neighborhood at 3:00 a.m. Your parents seriously won’t let you cross a street at night? That’s pretty extreme.

I have a college sophomore daughter myself who goes out at night, drives, takes Ubers and the subways by herself and with friends, etc. But I am not your parent and it sounds as though your parents are genuinely fearful that terrible things could happen to you. You don’t say so explicitly but I am wondering if there are cultural issues here too. Regardless of whether a more objective person thinks they are being unreasonably overprotective (and I do), you can’t change the fact that their fears are very real to them. Perhaps they would be willing to relax rules a little bit if you text or call to reassure them frequently (at least at first) while you do some of the things that make them anxious? I know some young folks who, when they take Ubers, call their parent and remain on the phone with them. You can also use a feature where they can “see” your ride on the app in real time. And I think @veruca made a good suggestion; hopefully you have another family member or family friend who is a parent and who is more lenient, and who would be willing to back up your position.

If none of this works, then yes, you might have to just tolerate it or limit your time at home. Which would be most unfortunate. Good luck, I hope you are able to work through some of this with your parents.

“Throwing a fit will not work but telling your parents that you plan to limit your time at home due to your treatment might.”

Can’t blame OP for wanting to limit his visits, but if his parents are writing the checks for college, it’s worth living by their rules for a couple of weeks a year. OP, try taking to them. Explain you have no trouble navigating your college town at night. If that doesn’t work, hopefully you can extend that job and internship to run through the summer months!

Thank you! Yes I am Nigerian and typically speaking they tend to be strict. I have tried talking to them and they gave a little bit of leeway saying that I can go out at night once in a while provide they drive and pick me up me and I am back by 11. It’s something I guess but I just wish my parents would relax as in 2 years I am graduating and living on my own . I told them that at some point they have to accept the fact that I am growing up

Well that’s progress, a baby step! Maybe you could appeal to their feelings about your safety, saying that this period of college is a transition time that is your chance to learn how to live independently in the world while still at home and in the college system. In other words, it’s safer for you to take these steps towards independence now while under their roof and in the relative bubble of college rather than all at once when you graduate and are living on your own. Learning street smarts if you will (not saying you are not street smart, just trying to think of something that will appeal to them to let you incrementally be independent). Like specifically, you need to get night driving experience and better to do it in your home town, driving yourself home where someone knows your whereabouts.

You know, for most college students, time at home becomes less and less as responsibilities grow, so this may be a nonissue fairly soon. You get a job and stay to work over winter and spring breaks, maybe coming home only for a couple of days at Christmas and not at all for the spring. The summer internship in another city provides housing; then, you’re home just before and after the internship.

If the conversations aren’t doing any good, simply find ways to keep yourself busy and limit your visits home to a day or two.

^Good point. This past summer, after her sophomore year in college, my daughter and her friend got an apartment in Philadelphia and got jobs. D worked as a waitress. We didn’t chip in a dime - she paid for everything. It was a good experience and gave her a lot of independence.

Parents ARE funny, though. This past semester, D studied in Italy and we never had any idea what she was up to. The second she came home for Christmas, though, I get stressed out if she’s not home before midnight! I know it’s illogical but I can’t help myself (and of course, there was the incident of my son flipping our car over on black ice at 11:30 pm the other night…).

They are who they are. I’m 46 and my parents still annoy me at times but I don’t have to deal with them daily. That will be you at some point. If you’ve talked to them about it and they are staunch in their position, your only real choices are suck it up for the time you need to be home… try to find things to appreciate about them, or, if you are financially independent and paying for college on your own, only come home for short visits.

Like others have said, the time Home becomes less and less. By my eldest kids senior year her weeks at home had steadily dropped from about 19 weeks a year to 8. Now that she has graduated and started her career we will be lucky to get a few days around holidays at home. My current freshman, it’ll be the same.

Another way to think about this if they are paying for college is that this is your job…your job is to put up with this to get your college funded. Then you will graduate, get a job, and

I would start with baby steps…have them drop you off and pick you up. Be ready to go at 11.

Also are there any other Nigerian families near you? or houses of worship where you can do things overnight where they would be more comfortable?

Also maybe try to get a summer job where you live/work somewhere else next year.

Well I have read that 82% of college grads are living at home so I wouldn’t make any assumptions.

My 92 year-old mother still calls me when I am driving home because she worries.

It is reasonable for your parents to worry, but not reasonable to act on it. This is a matter of you suffering so they don’t.

There may very well be cultural issues here or perhaps your parents don’t feel comfortable or safe where they live.

You should be able to see your friends. A compromise position, as you have described, seems fair. Get back by 11 and otherwise see your friends and do things you want to do.

Is pubic transportation available?

Your parents must really be clueless about college. I wouldn’t rock this boat as you are at college for much of the tine. If they are truly so protective it is a bonus you are away at school.

I feel for you: the rules are so different for you than your friends, and somehow they have allowed their fears to think unrealistically. Can’t cross the street at night? That’s honestly over the top. Use your intuition: all the ideas above have merit, but you know your parents. I especially like the idea of having a gentle conversation acknowledging their fears, and talking about how you handle your safety at school. Find that trusted adult to seed the idea with at least one of them of allowing you to graduate to more independence. With our kids, we do not have a curfew when they are home, but if I wake up and she’s not home, I sometimes use “find my iphone” to reassure myself that she is isn’t stuck in the middle of nowhere. That little blue dot gives me a lot of reassurance. OTOH, you may want more privacy. You know best.

I think the general advice you’re getting to try to persuade them to loosen up, one baby step at a time, reduce time at home and live with what you have to to get tuition paid is the right approach.

But, speaking as a parent, who, of course worries about my 17 year old, they are way over the top. I’m kind of amazed they let you go away to college. You should probably count yourself lucky.

But i have to wonder . . .

What do they think you do at night at college?

How old is old enough to cross the street by yourself at night?

I have a completely different perspective because unfortunately I’m regularly exposed to a high level of violence. It wouldn’t matter to me how old you are or how independent you are, I still would forbid my kid to be out of the house past a certain hour if I lived in certain neighborhoods. I wouldn’t feel that way in other neighborhoods. Is your neighborhood safe? Or have your parents previously lived in unsafe areas and still carry their fears with them? This might have nothing to do with their faith in you, but rather either legitimate fears based on neighborhood crime or their own PTSD.

melvin123, that’s why I wrote “perhaps your parents don’t feel comfortable or safe where they live.” I also asked about public transportation, because if that is used late at night, worries are legit.

^^^This. It’s possible that the concerns of safety for a young man of color are entirely valid. Although crossing the street seems pretty safe!

Limit your time at home if it really bothers you. Or negotiate a middle ground. Parents don’t always know how to parent their young adults, so meet them halfway. Be honest, and be nice.

why would crossing the street be safe in a violent, high crime neighborhood?