<p>I've been at school near a major city for three months, sometimes visiting friends at other schools in nearby cities. I knew going back home to suburbia for six weeks was going to be enough to drive me insane...but now it's the new rules I'm not sure I can live with. I expected to have to do chores and obey curfew. But not this:</p>
<p>You aren't allowed to spend the night at a friend's house when his/her parents aren't home. </p>
<p>Thoughts?</p>
<p>We kind of need more information. I think there may be more to this story.</p>
<p>Where did this rule come from? Have there been incidents in the past? Is it this particular friend that they object to? Do they have reason? Why must your overnight be timed for a time when the parents are away? </p>
<p>I am assuming that you are 18 so your parents aren't liable for your behavior any longer because that would be a logical reason.</p>
<p>My suggestion is that if you want to stay over with this friend you have both sets of parents get together with you and this friend to establish ground rules. That said, be prepared to make some concessions like calling from a land line to check in or whatever it takes to make them relax enough for you to be able to do what you would like to do.</p>
<p>If they are footing the bill for your education it gives them leverage. You need to show them that you are not taking them for granted. I think some schmoozing of your parents may be in order if only to let them know you are grateful for what they are doing for you. Remember, they have probably missed you like crazy. Do your chores without being asked, plan an evening with you mom to surprise her, make dinner for the family etc and I'll bet they will be more willing to listen to your reasoning.</p>
<p>One of the ways to prove you're an adult is to stop whining about rules and being responsible.</p>
<p>Your parents may not be as concerned about your behavior alone. However, we all have read about parties that get out of hand when parents are away. And if you think that just because you've spent 6 months away from home, you're immune to this situation, you're wrong. Going to someone else's home without the owners being there (your friend is not an owner) is not a particularly good idea. Homes are different than dorms.</p>
<p>Now, if you want to be considered an adult, you can talk to your parents about this rule. Why did they institute it? What are their concerns? What do your friends' parents say? Is there anything you can do to assuage their concerns? The one thing you don't want to do is to come off like a brat: "But, Mo o o o m, everyone else can do it!" (You know how many syllables "Mom" can have.)</p>
<p>Bottom line - their house, their rules.</p>
<p>My parents refuse to explain the rule, actually. This is not a "one-time incident" so I cannot provide more information about "the situation". It applies in all circumstances, no matter what the sex of the individual involved is, or how many individuals are involved. In fact, the rule also applies to hostels/hotels/etc. Obviously they are concerned about lack of supervision.</p>
<p>I imagine it has to do with alcohol/drugs/sex. I have never drank alcohol or done drugs in my life, and I have actually had to make very hard choices regarding these things, which my parents know about (for example, I lost several friends in HS because I chose not to participate in their ideas of 'fun'; also, both of my parents were actively involved in Greek life while in college and urged me to also "rush" - I told them I did not approve of most of these people's "lifestyles" nor would I fit in with most of them). Also, I have never had sex nor do I plan to have sex at this time in my life. </p>
<p>When presented with this information, they say that it is "not just about that"
but will say no more.</p>
<p>Also, if it matters, at school I have frequently slept over in friends' off-campus homes and apartments.</p>
<p>Yes, this rule does cramp many of my planned "get-togethers" with friends (most of them live too far away to arrange a day trip). But mostly I am also upset because my parents are disregarding my ability to make safe decisions (at least, that is all I can assume from the information they have provided me with). Because I had such a difficult time in HS staying true to my values, it is something that is a very, very important part of me, so it hurts to be called "irresponsible" in regards to this.</p>
<p>It's about parties.</p>
<p>Even with college students, there is a danger that if young people in the area become aware that no parent is home, an impromptu party of disastrous proportions may develop -- leading to underage drinking, illegal drug use, destruction of property, the involvement of the police, or all of the above.</p>
<p>Your parents don't think that you and your friend can prevent this because, basically, you are only two people and neither of you is the owner of the house. It's nothing personal. </p>
<p>It's not about sex. You could have perfectly well have sex in the daytime, right?</p>
<p>That may be true. But I would never allow "all of the young people in my neighborhood" to barge into my parents' home uninvited, nor would my friends. Even if my friends willingly hosted a party of gigantic proportions (although we have no such plans, haha), I would not drink or do drugs and therefore would be at no risk from the law. If I felt like my person was in danger, I would simply drive home. </p>
<p>Of course, the rule also applies to hotels, so I feel as if their concerns are more expansive than merely "parties."</p>
<p>Can't you arrange your get-togethers with friends for nights when their parents are home?</p>
<p>How often do most parents go away overnight anyhow?</p>
<p>
[quote]
But I would never allow "all of the young people in my neighborhood" to barge into my parents' home uninvited,
[/quote]
That's what every kid who finds himself in the position of having a party that got out of hand says. "I didn't think it would happen to me!"</p>
<p>Do a search of this forum; there was a thread a few months ago about a kid hosting a party that got out of hand.</p>
<p>In response to Marian: Unfortunately, the most convenient household's owners i.e. the parents are a bit absentee. It is difficult to find another home to meet in because she lives in the "middle state" of the few we are dispersed across. We've discussed meeting up in hotels, too, but that is also off-limits apparently.</p>
<p>In response to Chedva: my friends are not hosting "parties" of the traditional sense. We merely want to hang out together. In HS, I never went to or hosted a "house party" like the ones you are describing.</p>
<p>I agree with the OP (I'm a college freshman coming back 'home' for the first time that I'll be staying more than a few days). I sorta have the same type rule, I 'can' sleep over other peoples houses, but everytime I've asked the answer has been no. So I'm not sure how that rule works.</p>
<p>Here's the way I look at it. I've been 5 hours away for the past 16 weeks, able to do anything I want. I know it's "well, I can contol it if it's near home," but I don't see the point. You're lying to yourself if you don't think your kids do things at college they don't tell you about.</p>
<p>We're not lying to ourselves, diesel. We know that you're doing things that we don't know about. And that we don't want to know about. But that's the point - we don't know. When you're home, we do know. As my father said to me way back before the dawn of time (when I was going away to college), "If your mother doesn't know that you're not home at 2 AM, she can't worry about it."</p>
<p>We know the way you look at it - we've been where you are. You haven't been where we are.</p>
<p>I never thought of the "uninvited party guests" angle. That's probably where their minds go. Seriously OP, if you want to hang with your friend and your parents say hers have to be home and they never are, why aren't you inviting your friend to spend the night at your house? </p>
<p>diesel: No one is lying to themself. Your parents are trying to negotiate a new relationship with you with which they are can be comfortable. You need to be sensetive to that and not demanding and whiney. You will see that when you approach any negotiation from a give and take standpoint you will be far more successful than you would otherwise. This is especially true when you don't have the power in the situation...ie you aren't paying your own way yet. </p>
<p>It isn't about what you may or may not be doing in college, it is about what your parents are comfortable with you doing in their home.</p>
<p>cross posted with Chedva^^</p>
<p>I don't want to see just one friend. I would like to see all of my friends...and many of them live more than several hours away from me. However, it is possible to see them if we meet up "in the middle" somewhere.</p>
<p>And again, I am also extremely upset that my parents would not trust my very strict values. Especially considering how much I have been through, personally, to preserve them. </p>
<p>They think that I will get into some kind of trouble at a house because uninvited guests will randomly break in? Then fine, let us meet in a hotel. But they are unwilling to see compromise or reason. It is especially silly because by letting me dorm I thought they had confidence in my ability to manage my personal safety on my own. But I suppose they just had an "out of sight, out of mind" philosophy.</p>
<p>I don't think I can go all break without seeing them. Maybe I will just pack up a month's worth of clothes and stay at someone's house permanently :P.</p>
<p>Would you be willing to invite your friends? Perhaps they'd all drive further to gather in your home instead. You're automatically assuming they all want to meet in the middle, but that might be changeable with a great invitation to your home.</p>
<p>Maybe there's something about your house that you can make to sound very appealing and hospitable, worth going the extra miles. Be the hostess. Those that come will come, others won't. You'll see some of your friends that way, at least.</p>
<p>It would be great if your parents could see your new friends and you among them. They might realize how trustworthy your friendship circle is, still.</p>
<p>It would be close to a six hour drive for some people :/. I never even thought of asking. Plus, my house is not really that appealing. My parents are very strict and overprotective. Curfew is 11 pm for me. If I can't stand it here, I'd hate to subject my friends to it...especially for as long as they would have to stay to make the time it took to get there worth it.</p>
<p>But I suppose it's something to consider...a few of my friends live relatively close.</p>
<p>I wish that my parents would be logical about it, and trust me. It's just...it really offends me. A lot. That they would watch me go through what I went through in HS, and still not have any faith in me.</p>
<p>Please do consider it. People are curious to see someone else's house even if it's different for them. Plan to cook together, watch films, do sleepovers and keep it home-based so the 11 p.m. curfew becomes a non-issue. Besides your friends don't have any negativity towards your parents for their overprotectiveness.</p>
<p>I'm suggesting to do things around the TV and fireplace, cook meals, play cards, and so on. If your friends are inclined this way, they might really enjoy a safe environment. Save your gasoline money and instead buy them some good food before they arrive (not potato chips, I mean something good like cheese and crackers, fresh fruit, gourmet desserts..). If they are happy at your home, they won't need to cruise the town so much. A lot of that depends on the vibes YOU give out when they walk into the house. If you're uncomfortable, they'll be, too. </p>
<p>Believe it or not, one strategy is to ask your Mom to help you plan, shop and host a nice food table. Maybe she'll get involved more positively and come to like your friends a bit, too. Let her interact for a little while so she can see they're just fine. </p>
<p>As long as nobody's drinking or beating each other up in your home, you have nothing to be ashamed of. If they're a bit overprotective, there are some kids who wish they had that in their life. So don't apologize. Your parents are whatever they are. </p>
<p>You might also consider two gatherings, one at each side of your 6-hour spread and forget the house in the middle. I think the unsupervised house in the middle sounds like the worst of them all. In fact, she's the WORST host because her family just. doesn't. care. And yours does.</p>
<p>Adding on: I also understand you feel badly they don't trust you when you've given them every reason to. I know some families like this, with very careful D's and nonetheless the parents rant on and on about all the bad things they "might" be doing. So I recognize you feel they're not keeping up with the real you.</p>
<p>I DO understand your feelings; am just trying to help you solve a logistical problem for this first vacation, that's all. You've got a point here.</p>
<p>p3t has given some good advice. And yes, we do understand your frustration. </p>
<p>But let's keep something in mind here. Your parents haven't forbidden you from seeing your friends. They've only said that you can't spend the night if parents aren't around. That's not such an onerous condition. Why are you so adamant to do that? Visit your friends during the day, or visit them while their parents are home. Yes, I know - one kid's parents are negligent. OK, invite that kid over to you, or, again, visit during the day.</p>
<p>And in the end, while you think it's forever, it's only 6 weeks. You'll see these friends again soon enough.</p>
<p>Gosh, I hope I don't make this thread take a turn for the worse, but this line bothered me</p>
<p>"I don't think I can go all break without seeing them. Maybe I will just pack up a month's worth of clothes and stay at someone's house permanently :P."</p>
<p>You've known these kids for a few months and now can't go a few weeks without seeing them? Your parents raised you for 18 years but now you can't live with a reasonable rule?</p>
<p>I think you've gotten some great advice here. I hope you'll compromise.</p>