My daughter is very nervous about being away from home. Knowing this, we had been focusing our efforts on small schools where she would feel more “at home” and supported. Recently, we got the idea to add a school to her list instead that is close to home but HUGE - and she actually liked it. My hope is that having the option to come home for moral support when needed will give her the oomph to power through. Wondering if a nervous kid can find their way in such a big place or if she’ll just get lost. Does she have to be a social go-getter to thrive? Would love to hear from parents of anxious kids at big and small schools. Thanks!
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Many kids are nervous. Many struggle. Many come home but I imagine the ‘can come home often’ can also be a crutch. We had to fly my daughter home her first semester - HS boyfriend issues.
A big school has advantage. More clubs. Living learning communities. As they say you can make a big school small.
That said a small school is small and you’ll see people regularly and that might be a nice structure.
Both can work or not.
She may find her way in both. Setting the expectation, up front, that you are there is not a good thing.
Zillions of kids go to college near home and zillions go far away. They ultimately thrive (most) and hopefully yours will too.
In the end, she needs to visit schools of various sizes and environments to see which feels best. She may love a big school or it might seem overwhelming. She may love a small one or it may seem like hs.
Good luck.
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Big schools absolutely can be made to feel smaller by living learning communities. I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how supportive of an environment my d’s flagship has turned out to be.
I will also put in a word of caution about being too close. There is a good reason that colleges schedule parents weekend 6-8 weeks out. It gives kids time to get through the initial struggles on their own and work it out. My $0.02 is to put some limits about coming home first semester. I have a family member whose child comes home every weekend and it’s been horrible for their social transition to school.
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I don’t have kids in college yet (mine are in 9th and 11th grade in HS right now), but I know that I was a nervous student as a freshman at college. I was petrified about eating by myself in the dining hall, for some reason. I also desperately wanted to meet new people, but was nervous about doing so.
I did things to compensate for and make up for my anxiousness. It may sound silly, but it worked for me. Here are some examples:
- whenever I was in my dorm room, I always left the door open. You’d be surprised how many people pop their head in to say hello when the door is open.
- I’d purposely go around and ask people if they wanted to go to lunch, dinner, etc. and would sort of coordinate this ahead of time.
- for about the first month, almost every time somebody invited me to join them to go somewhere, participate in some sort of organized activity, etc., I said yes even if I didn’t really feel like it. Because it was forcing me to be in social situations with others instead of hiding in my room with the door closed.
- at the front of the dorm was a big living room sort of area with a big TV, pool table, big couches and chairs. Many times, I’d purposely study out there in the couches and people would stop by and talk ALL THE TIME.
I also lived in a dorm with a communal bathroom (1 bathroom per hallway), so that made it easier, too, to get to know people.
My younger kid is socially a lot more shy than my older kiddo. She’s already been asking me about how to make small talk, how to have a conversation with somebody who you are just meeting for the first time. So I told her about the ‘script’ of small talk for college freshmen. She’s nervous about meeting new people…and when the time comes down the road, I’m going to have her practice this with me at home prior to her launch day. 
Here’s how the ‘script’ goes:
New Student (NS): Hi, how’s it going?
you: Hi (stick out your hand to shake their hand), nice to meet you. I’m insert_name_here.
NS: Hey, I’m name. So what room are you in?
you: Hey, name, I’m in room 123. What room are you in? (you take their question, answer it, and then ask the same question back at them).
NS: I’m in room 456.
you: Oh, that’s cool. Hey, what are you majoring in?
NS: I’m majoring in Subject A. How about you?
you: I’m majoring in Subject B.
NS: That’s cool. So what classes are you taking this semester?
you: (tell them what you’re taking). What about you?
NS: I’m taking (list of classes).
you: Oh, hey, are you taking Blah Blah on Mondays at 1:00 with Dr Xavier?
NS: Yeah!
you: I’m in that class, too. We should meet up at class. Maybe start a study group or something.
NS: Yeah, that’s a good idea. Hey, let’s exchange numbers.
you: (give NS your phone #)
you: Hey, you want to meet up for lunch later? Have you tried the Blah Blah dining hall yet?
NS: Sure, sounds good! How about Time A? Let’s meet up in the lobby.
Boom…done.
Other filler questions to ask if you run out of conversation topics:
- Where are you from?
- How do you like College X so far?
- What do you think of your professors so far?
- Which class do you like best so far? I was thinking of taking (class that student is currently taking), what do you think of that professor?
- Hey, have you seen the latest insert_newest_favorite_movie yet? (this is 1 way of finding out what they’re interested in)
- (if the other student is in a sport) Hey, when is your new home game for Sport X? Some of us in the hall should go and cheer you on (then recruit some other people to go w/you).
You get the idea.
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Are any of her friends interested in the big school, too? It can help if you already know someone but there are a lot of ways to make a big school small.
I really don’t think coming home frequently has to be a problem. I live in a flagship college town and there are plenty of kids from town who go to the college here. Hasn’t seemed to be an issue with the kids I know.
Our 21 yr old has an apartment with a friend and lives 15 minutes away and comes to hang out annd eat dinner and watch tv pretty often. It works for us.
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One good way to keep a kid from coming home too often, is to keep their car (if they have one) at home. That way they aren’t tempted to drive home. That said, just because a kid is far away, doesn’t mean they won’t come home often. My SIL’s niece came home every weekend from college (she didn’t have classes on Fridays) and she was ~9 hours away by car…
One of our guidance counselors used to work at a fancy private school in LA and there were some kids who would fly home every weekend from college. Or if not every weekend, every few weekends. Talk about expensive. But then again, these were kids who lived in Beverly Hills and the like…
Lots of types of students choose a larger school for a variety of reasons. We first imagined my oldest at a small LAC, but he is at very large big 10 university. He got a an unexpected large scholarship, got personal attention from a faculty member and is having a great experience. He is not particularly extroverted and is very academically focused.
I would find ways to make it small and be proactive. I think it’s good for kids to know wherever they go it is on them to be proactive about finding community and making connections. Join clubs, check out the housing activities calendar, consider looking at learning communities, etc.
The thing about a big school is there is MORE. More clubs, more options, more types of students with particular interests. My kid is NOT a party student and he’s at an alleged party school. It has been fine, your people are out there. They just aren’t the loudest group.
Parking is super expensive anywhere near my kid’s university, I would not send a car freshman year for almost any student. My kid is a senior and still has not had one. Kids with cars end up being targets of favor asking constantly.
Some kids need more support than others. I know more than one parent that regrets sending their kid across country after all sorts of extra unexpected travel needs. And the thing is your kid can go an hour from home and chose to stay on campus all semester, it’s not like they can’t spread their wings at any campus. Some kids have a tougher adjustment and benefit from more support and visits home. That’s ok. It’s a journey to adulthood, it doesn’t happen in a day for most. I do think having a 6-8 week initial period on campus is a good idea though. If your child needs a visit/support, go to them and take them out for a meal.
I will also say we live blocks from a flagship U. Plenty of the kids are relatively local. And many transition just fine and generally stay on campus for the most part. Same thing with the University my kid is at. His freshman roommates parents just lived a few miles away from their dorm. He was very active on campus and still is.
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Much of the college experience is hyper local. It is about your roommate(s) and others on your floor. If you click, it is great. The size of the school doesn’t matter for that. The one advantage of a large school is that if you have a bad experience, it is easier to get away without transferring.
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DS23 is looking at really big universities. He tells me “I’ve done my research and you can make a big school feel small, but you can’t make a small school feel big”.
DD22 on the other hand went to a really small local university and I think she might have had better luck finding “her people” at a bigger school. Everyone goes home on weekends, so there aren’t many activities (or maybe because there aren’t many activities). She has met people, but I think she would have done better with a bigger pool and more opportunities in terms of clubs and activities.
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S23 started his college search with very small schools as he’s a bit introverted and goes to a small school with only 150 kids in his graduating class. However, as he started researching and visiting multiple schools, he realized he wanted a big school with a heavy residential focus and tons of activities, clubs, intramural teams, etc on campus. And lots of options to find “his people”. His top choices have over 15K students. At his top 2 schools, he’s already picked out clubs that look good to him.
Good luck to your daughter! Hopefully she’ll be happy where she settles.
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I went to a big school that my sister had attended. I was afraid of the size.
Her advice–“It’s not really big. As you change classes you’ll see the same people everyday crossing the street at the same time. You’ll see the same people in your class every day. You’ll probably sit next to them every day. The people in your dorm are the same ones every day. Even at football games you’ll end up sitting in a section with the same people. If you join a church group/club those will be a small group. It’s just not that big–you don’t meet everybody–you meet your circle.”
Best thing about a large university is it provides so many options to explore. Sometimes you land exactly where you should be but if not you have choices.
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Many small schools are quite intentional about creating and nurturing community. This can be great for a lot of kids, but it does require that in some way, you fit into the community. It’s more like a small town where everyone is friendly and neighborly. Great, unless you don’t really click with them! It’s also easy in these communities to try on different roles because everyone does different things.
Big schools are more like a big city. Your people are there, but you will need to find them. And there is often more specialization and “professionalism” in activities. The newspaper staff is a group that has little overlap with the tennis team. But there’s a home for everyone.
Students may have to work harder at a big school to create opportunities for themselves but there are also more opportunities to be had. Small schools may work to connect their students to opportunities.
Truly truly, neither is better. Some students may benefit from the nurture of smaller schools while others may love the anonymity of a larger one and learn from the “student-entrepreneur” student experience how to make things happen fotthemselves, an important life skill.
Most students quickly learn how to maneuver wherever they end up. And most are ready to tackle the world 4 years later.
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My introverted kid also chose a huge school, and loved it. He very much enjoyed the anonymity the size allowed – he didn’t have to constantly engage with people he knew, but there were groups he could join if he decided to, and plenty of them.
At a small school, your business is everyone’s business, and he wanted to not have the social pressures that go with that. He had a small and loyal group of friends, and had a wonderful experience.
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My son and future daughter-in-law both went to biggish schools 18,000 (put that may include grad students). My son is an extrovert so he found his people and his way immediately (and his soon to be wife). She on the other hand is a bit of an introvert even though she will act like an extrovert at times but inside she would rather just stay home. She was totally able to find her people there too. She got very into volunteering, loved doing research, and even joined a low key sorority where she mainly participated in the volunteer work. She was very happy. Now she is at a smaller school for her Physician’s Assistant degree and not as happy as she was at the larger school. Huge schools can really give a chance to find your crowd but you can’t just stay in your room with the door closed. It does take some effort.
If she chooses a very small school, be sure she “fits” the school culture. An artsy kid at a very preppy school (for example), may have a harder time finding her tribe. While there may be more focus on community, the student still has to find her place. At a big school, there is usually something for everyone, but it may take more effort to find the right fit.
Also, be sure that the small school has the major and focus within that major that she wants. For example, one of mine was interested in a particular smallish school which had his general science major, but the research interests of the professors did not mesh with his interests. He ended up at a big (but not huge) school in a small concentration within a big (biology) major and did great.
I agree with this 100%. Kids who spend all their time going home as freshmen seem to fare worse. If the student isn’t around to experience life at the weekends, away from classes, other kids are less likely to invest time in forming relationships. The weekends are for having fun and a kid who is never there at the weekends misses out.
My grad student was a very shy and nervous freshman at Bates College back in the day. In fact, I wrote this long-running post based on her experience. http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/t/to-those-who-feel-lonely-homesick-friendless-think-they-chose-the-wrong-school-etc
Trust me, it was very difficult to resist the urge to drive five hours to “rescue” her. She was pretty miserable for a couple of months. For her, being at a small college was a life-changing experience and I honestly don’t think she would have fared well at all at a larger college. I am certain though that it would have been detrimental for her to have been too close to home in those early days of college. She needed to grow, emotionally and socially.
You and your child need to have honest discussions about expectations vs reality. Plenty of nervous kids find their people at all kinds of schools. I think if your kid puts some effort into it, she can find her people. Effort is the key word. And social media makes it really hard because it paints a false picture that it’s easy for everyone else. There will be ways for your child to find her people at both types of schools, as long as she seeks opportunities.
It can be tough to balance. Parents need to set boundaries, while at the same time ensuring the best environment for their child to thrive.
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This is so true. I was at a school with about 7000 undergrads and twice as many grad students, but my department was tiny. There was also a residential college system which also helped with creating smaller communities. I often recommend that kids have at least one college on their list that is not like the others because come spring what seems like a good idea may not any more.
My younger son, for example, had mostly mid-size universities on the list, but kept one LAC there in case that was what he wanted in the spring. He’d really liked it, and even considered applying there early decision. By spring he knew it was too small and too close, but it was nice to have it as an option if the other places hadn’t worked out.
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My kiddo was super nervous. She is now a senior at a smallish school 1200 miles from home. Her second choice school was closer but still not a short drive and was a large state flagship (but not ours). If she had gone there she was planning to live in a living/learning community.
We told her when she went to school that we were always available to talk. And we had MANY, MANY long talks that first semester or so. We also told her that we’d visit and she could come home when needed though it was far enough away that honestly that wasn’t that easy. We have visited every semester and she usually comes home once or so a semester. She also really pushed herself at first to be much more outgoing and involved that was comfortable. She spent a lot of time in the commons areas studying, tried out quite a few clubs and activities (one that stuck was a very out of character choice), and tried to connect with people as much as she could. She did make some connections relatively quickly but it took awhile to feel “at home”. The first semester was hard but it is for a lot of kids. She always would get a bit of homesickness after coming home but she learned to except it and know it will pass.
My advice is to talk to your kiddo about how the transition will be a little hard no matter where she goes. I think they see pics of people having fun on social media and start thinking they are the only ones struggling. One night a girl opened up to D about how she was feeling and my daughter was relieved to hear she wasn’t alone.
I agree with the others about avoiding frequent trips home at first. For a kiddo who is extroverted and connects with others easily, this might be fine, but for someone who struggles a little, they NEED to be on campus and interacting with others if they want to meet people. I would plan a trip to visit them if they need some support.
Not wishing to sidetrack the thread, but I want to make @bxgirl aware…
It is not the case that everyone knows everyone else’s business at a small school. Other parents on this thread had kids at LACs and they will say the same. There were people my D graduated with whom she had never met once during her four years.
As far as making a big school seem small, but small school can’t feel big, I don’t entirely agree with that. It’s totally based on each student and how they choose to spend their time. My son is at a school with 13,000 students and never ventures beyond his frat activities. He loves his college. My daughter did far more varied activities at her 2,000 student college.
My son is super outgoing and my daughter is not, but each made their college experiences the best for personalities.
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