Each year, I see similar posts from new freshman and transfer students. You are NOT alone, and this is normal and common. Everyone does not already have a permanent friend group. Your friends from home are not all having a great time. Your family is not going to forget you. You are smart enough to be there. You can handle college and will not flunk out if you do the work. There is a cure for what troubles you: Time.
You need to give your college a chance. Many of you will be second-guessing your decision. Buyer’s remorse is normal. Think about the sound reasons you chose your school and focus on them. Don’t succumb to “if only…”, because that’s a negative waste of energy. Get out of your dorm room and find your people. Take time to recharge alone in your room when you need it. But you do need to try, because you won’t meet people or have fun if you are sitting alone in your room with the door closed. (See the pinned post by bopper at the top of this page on things to do to meet people.)
Every student has some kind of struggle in the beginning. Some of you keep it to yourselves, some of you soldier on, some of you share with trusted people. This is a time of big, unsettling changes in your life. You have temporarily left behind your comfort zone, family and friends. Understand that this is something you have to get through, and you will. You are becoming an adult and it’s hard work. The vast majority of you will find friends and come to enjoy your college experience. If you put effort into doing your work and making time for social opportunities that arise, time will fly. Before you know it, winter break will be here.
I feel for each of you and I know how hard it is. I promise you that things will get better, but you have to give it time. This is a blip in your life. You will get through this and be a better person because of it.
EDIT: Check out these links from students who gave themselves a bit of time and are now happy.
Someone messaged me and asked “how long does it take to stop feeling this way?” There’s no set time, but I think there are a few general time frames that I hear about repeatedly. One seems to be by the end of October or early November, another is around Christmas time, and another is around Feb or March, when spring semester is underway. Some kids are going to be through the worst of it in another couple of weeks, others may have to stick it out until the end of freshman year. You just have to get through it at your own pace. Do take advantage of your campus counseling center. This is exactly why they are there. The longer you wait, the busier they get. You are not alone.
Some aren’t feeling it now but will feel it later when the novelty of college life wears off, winter comes, and/or they realize that those instant friends they made the first week really aren’t the friends they thought or want after all.
So true. One to three weeks isn’t a long enough period of time to determine that all is hopeless at a school socially or academically. That same period of time feels like an eternity to the kid going through it though. Supporting them through it is the only thing we can do when they ask for it.
I’m a parent and it was very kind of you to take the time to write this post. There are many students who need to see this and I’m sure you helped some today
I went did 5 years in the military right after I graduated high school. Fast toward to the present, I just started college (2nd week) and I’m feeling all the same emotions mentioned in the title of this post.
For some reason, I feel these emotions more intensively in college (2 hours from my hometown) than I did in the military where I was deployed overseas 8,000 miles away from home. I think nostalgia is the biggest factor contributing to these emotions.
To all freshmen that are feeling the same emotions, the poster of this thread is right. If a 5-year military veteran like me is feeling these emotions, then it is absolutely normal for you to feel it as well. Just like everything in life, change is pretty stressful and may cause some heartache at first, but it will go away from time. There’s no secret magic pill that will make it go away instantly. Remember, you came here to better yourself. Stay motivated!
A little update: my college sophomore recently said that she was glad that she and her freshman year roommate didn’t get along. They didn’t argue or hate each other, but they had nothing in common. My D is naturally shy and (used to be) awkward. Because she wanted to spend as little time with her roommate as possible, it made her more incentivized to leave her room, even though it was very difficult for her to force herself to do that.
It’s fair to say that her first semester of college was not fun. She probably tried too hard in the beginning, but by spring semester she had a group of friends. She started out at her college feeling that she was at the wrong school, and now knows she’s at the right one. There’s a good chance it will be the same for you, if you give it time.
Thank you @Lindagaf for the update. I am so glad your daughter found her people, even if it took a little longer than she (and you) had hoped! That is as much my fear as it is my S18’s, so I am glad to read your encouraging words.
Thought I would share what I posted on another thread, because it might help others who are still struggling but are no longer freshmen:
"My kid, a rising junior at a small LAC, had a very hard time initially settling into college as a freshman, but finally started meeting people when she stopped caring quite so much. She did have a bad initial experience with one group of girls in the beginning that set her confidence back. There were a couple of girls she really didn’t like in that group, one of whom I’ll call Anna. Anna and another girl seemed to make this group worse for my D, and D drifted away from that group and finally found good friends.
During sophomore year, D saw Anna regularly because of mutual friends. Fast forward to yesterday, when D spent the day in another state visiting Anna and a couple of other college friends, because actually Anna is “pretty cool” and D now realizes that so much of her initial bad experieince was due to her own preconceived notions of college being “the best four years of her life”, and seeing that all of her high school friends were (allegedly) having a great time, according to Snapchat and Instagram."
Be open to everything, because it’s possible that your initial impressions of someone are not entirely justified. That person who you aren’t wild about now might introduce you to others who could end up being your friends. And remember that there are other ways of meeting people than just by going to class and joining clubs. Volunteer, or get involved with the campus ministry, or get a job on campus. Those are all great ways to meet people.
