Would someone please read my SAT essay please :)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>New essay- "Conscience being a greater force than money, fame, and power"</p>

<p>A large amount of money, international fame, and immense power cajoles one into performing a daring action, but it is one’s conscience in which one acts upon a streaming impulse. One’s inner voice expresses the right and wrong in which one does. Conscience compels.
From origins of Biblical time period and Egyptian geography, emerges the Egyptian revolter’s leader, Moses of the Jews. In ancient contexts, Jews were the slaves of Egyptians. Moses, not propelled by various fames and compensations, staged a grand exodus to the Promiseland. Moses primarily knew that the Jews were being mistreated, but secondly he knew what God desired for His chosen people-freedom. Moses looked inside of himself for this courage.
In Riding the Bus with my Sister, the focal character of the novel is residing in New York when she receives an alarming phone call in which she is informed that her mother recently died from a heart attack. The main character is then presented with the situation that is at hand. The main character’s mother was the caregiver to her sister, a mentally-challenged middle-aged lady. She can either choose the upscale life, or the life in which she can ameliorate her sister’s dank life. The main character’s empathy and lurking conscience causes her to select to live with her needing sister.
I’ve always dreamed of becoming my class valedictorian, but all that was shattered the day I didn’t meticulously study for my AP Biology exam. The person juxtaposed next to me was cheating. So being the grade hungry person I am, think about cheating. I decline the thought after a moment’s pause. My min persuades me that it isn’t worth it, but also that I will never be the type of person that will.
In conclusion, our consciences supply use with proper morals. It helps us sort wrong from right. You spend money, but your conscience stays with you forever.</p>

<p>Thanks!:)</p>

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<p>glucose, hope you dont mind if i add my essay to this thread? it's only a practice essay, btw, and i'm an international student...it would be really nice if anyone could score/ comment on it. there's probably plenty of space for improvement, but i'd like to know where. i timed myself on this one. well, here goes...</p>

<p>"assgt: what is your opinion of the claim that there is no such thing as free choice; to some degree, we are always bound by the rules of society? in an essay, support your position by discussing an example( or examples) from...."</p>

<p>every human being is born with the power of judgement, and therefore the choices that a person makes in his life are his own responsibility. there is never an excuse to give up on a situation, or let oneself be 'victimised'. there is always something you can do about any crisis that life brings, and i'd like to illustrate my point with the contrasting examples of francis ouimet, and on a more personal level, my friend anna.</p>

<p>francis ouimet had a god-given talent for golf, but, being born into poor circumstances, he did not recieve any support from his kith and kin. however, he had the passion and self-belief to achieve his dreams; he went on to become the youngest american to win the US open in his time. he did not let society, or even his own father's lack of faith in him, to bring him down.why? because he 'chose' not to let that happen.</p>

<p>on the other hand, my friend anna made quite the wrong choice for herself. while at school, she had shown great promise. she had the potential to do very well in life, and this was 'apparent' even when she was a very young child. however, once she went away to college, everything changed. she got into drugs and alcohol and came home a year later, completely different, and a mess. after several months in rehab, she recovered, though. later, she blamed her sudden change of character on the 'bad company' she had got into. i, for one, did not take that as an excuse. no one made her do what she did; the choice was always hers.</p>

<p>there may be influences, true, but the ultimate choice is always ours. therefore, i completely agree with jean paul sartine; man is, infact, free to "write the script" for his own life.</p>

<p>.....yeah that's it. and jean paul sartine is the example mentioned in the prompt, which i was too lazy to type out. i havent used caps where necessary for the same reason. but i did on the essay! what did you think?</p>

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<p>Ya it's ok to post here because I got a 12 on my April Essay! :) Why do you quote so much ' ' ?...just wondering</p>

<p>I'd give it like 10/12</p>

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<p>true, but i just have one quote actually. i used the words in inverted commas either for emphasis(eg. 'chose'), or irony (eg. 'apparent', coz tho it seemed apparent that anna would do well, it dint really turn out that way)etc. but yeah, i think i've overdone it a lil too. thanx for the feedback, and congrats on your 12 point essay!</p>

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<p>can i ask you to post your april essay glucose if you dont mind? i took the april SAT and only got an 8. i would like to see a example of a real student written essay that received a 12, if u dont mind? please? >gives puppy dog eyes< </p>

<p>'cuz i got a high score on my writing, but the 8 essay lowered my writing score. made me really mad.</p>

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<p>I Doubt That U Wrote That In 25 Min. But I Would Assume A 5 Or 6</p>

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<p>actually i DID write it in 25 minutes...</p>