People are funny. You never know what offends someone. When I saw the comment about simply asking to meet in a coffee shop instead, my immediate thought was the guy could think he’s doing this on a volunteer basis and could get annoyed that your D is trying to dictate the terms of the meeting, and that this should be at his convenience. I’m probably overthinking this though. Maybe say, hi, thank you so much for your time. Would it be ok if I met you at xyz coffee shop instead? I’d love to buy you a cup of coffee and one of their fabulous pastries.
Okay, that is weird for the student to offer to buy.
I thought it showed appreciation for the guy’s time.
And I thought it was a heck of a lot nicer than “my mom doesn’t feel comfortable with me interviewing at your house, so let’s meet at a coffee shop instead.” I’d be really offended by that, but that’s just me.
This is a nice sentiment, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to suggest buying the interviewer anything, even if it is just inexpensive coffee/pastry. The program I was in had a strict rule about being required to decline any such offers, even for just a coffee. However, we were welcome to buy coffee/pastry for the applicant.
And neither is a third grader meeting with the music teacher, or the mom working in the lunch room (me) taking one child to the bathroom down the hall, or the coach driving the kid home after practice. The better practice now is to not to have one adult meet with one child. Two adults or two kids, or in a public place even if you are off in the corner. I went through training where the door should be left open if there was no glass window, and it there was the child should be visible, or take two kids to the bathroom
But the mother here has an issue. She doesn’t want her 16 year old to go to someone’s house. That’s enough of a reason.
My D15 only had interviews in public places, but when she got to college she ended up in a situation that highlights the OPs concerns. Her first semester, she took piano lessons from a male professor who had students come to his home. Her prior instructor had two pianos and two benches so they could work side by side. This professor had one piano and one bench. My D was very uncomfortable in this situation and it was only exacerbated when he touched her shoulder, then realized he shouldn’t have, and apologized. Her piano-playing days were over after that semester because of this situation which she found to be beyond creepy.
I am female and have two daughters. I certainly am concerned for their safety. But I wonder if we are raising a generation of women who can’t be comfortable alone with another adult. That isn’t helping our daughters, either.
I did read the whole thread.
Wow. True, she will need to learn to manage a variety of situations. But right now isn’t then. She’s still a student living with her parents; unless we hear she’s unusually mature or has lived away from home for some time (say, on exchange in a foreign country,) nothing says she’s ready to put herself in his home. It may be fine. It may not be. We don’t know.
And her “alertness,” so to say, her attempt to control some situation, is likely all focused on the newness of college apps and chances right now. High school senior stuff. Getting through an interview. Not yet independence.
Recent revelations, starting with Weinstein, show “issues” were not always either spread as warnings, from one young woman to the next, nor managed/eliminated, if word did get out. So, I don’t count on this “if there were a problem, we’d know.” Not in the least.
I’m not paranoid. Not. But I can be “aware.” If this were my girl, my first question would be, “Who else will be there?” And if no one, not his wife in and out bringing drinks and cookies, or a string of other kids waiting their turn, I’d likely say, “Email and see if it can be changed.” Have a believable reason (not, for heaven’s sake, “This freaks me.”)
As reasonable women, yes, we do expect ourselves to be professional, mature, not intimidated. But we can’t do this thing of, “If she’s concerned, it must be her.” (Or Mom.) We can (and, imo, should)acknowledge this may not be the setting for this young girl, at this time. Now. Not one year from now when she’s in college. They grow a lot from junior spring to senior fall, then to December 31. And continue to grow, til next September.
If this family wants to change the venue, by all means, ask. Imo.
It sounds like OP has found a solution that works for her, and that is good. I can’t help but note, though, that this degree of wariness of adults drives some good people out of volunteering with kids. It may be that current sensitivity requires these rules, and maybe parents are willing to pay that price, and perhaps some bad apples are driven away too. But a lot of good people won’t volunteer their time and efforts if the automatic assumption is they are predators and everyone acts accordingly. It is actually quite hard to get alumni willing to interview. I understand why.
If my choices are: a) Give the impression that I don’t trust the interviewer b) Put myself or my daughter in a position where we’re not comfortable with her safety, then I’ll go with choice A every single time.
I understand that she’ll soon be in college-- but she’s not in college now. She’s your 17 year old daughter. And one of the most important things we can teach our kids is to trust that little voice inside their heads saying that they’re uncomfortable.
As to the “I’ve never heard of an issue here” line of thinking-- I never heard of a kid shooting up a school-- until Lumberton and Columbine. And I never heard of a home grown terrorist… until Oklahoma City. And the list goes on and on and on. “I’ve never heard of it happening” is NOT the same thing as “It can’t possibly happen.”
Colleges should absolutely realize the problems this could create for both the interviewer and the student, and should have guidelines about where it’s appropriate to interview. Those of us in the classroom every day are aware of the potential issues of a closed door session with a kid-- that’s one of the reasons why classroom doors tend to have windows, why teachers tend to do extra help with the door open… there’s lots of room for issues on both sides.
If the college has a real issue with your daughter’s discomfort with this situation, then I think I would reconsider whether or not it really is the right school for her.
I am sure the college won’t have an issue with it. And I’ve seen nothing to indicate the applicant is concerned. Realistically, both the interviewer and applicant should know that none of this matters much anyway-the number of women applying for slots at prominent LACs so far exceeds the available slots for such women that it is quite unlikely she will be admitted regardless of whether an interview even occurs. The whole discussion is just a sad commentary on the times, but it is what it is. I am so glad I took a break from interviewing this year, and ignore the college’s pleas to help out. I’m not enjoying it right now.
OP here. I am surprised by how divided the responses are. I can’t help but compare to our current political climate because I know I for one sometimes scratch my head at the people on ‘the other side’ from me. Smart, reasonable adults can view the exact same situation from completely opposite views. And it is ok.
Just to close some loops that have been raised I was the one to raise it with D and asked her if she was uncomfortable. She admitted that she was but essentially thought she didn’t have a choice.
I am not raising her to be paranoid, at least I certainly hope not. She has good relationships with male teachers, her orchestra teacher, heck even the principal knows and likes her. I wouldn’t hesitate if she wanted to go to one of their homes. She knows them. For me it is one that it is a complete stranger, and secondly the power dynamic and the weight of the potential outcome.
Again the lesson I hope she will have learned from this for her future days is that she can have some control over a situation that may make her uncomfortable.
This guy has maybe done interviews in his home hundreds of times and been completely fine. But if my daughter is somewhat uncomfortable that is reason enough for me to help her get it changed.
The fact that several people have committed on this post that they are told they now must only conduct interviews in a public place validates for me that I am not the only one to at least question it.
Good point OP! There are a lot of issues that are polarizing. I think that for some it is hard to see these changes in our society where we have to think of such things. I was a volunteer at my kids school for years and then one year they instituted a required background check for any adult who volunteered in the classroom. Is that disheartening? - Yes. Did it stop some people from volunteering because they didn’t want to hand over their driver’s license and subject themselves to a background check? - Probably. But I did it and I was volunteering at the High School. I was certainly not a risk to any student as I am sure that 99.9% of alumni interviewers are not a risk to students. But times change and we have to change with them.
FWIW - I think teaching your daughter to listen to that voice inside her and how to set boundaries appropriately will serve her well in the future.
Actually sahnkc, I find the idea of parents present in high school classrooms far scarier than any interview venue. I am very surprised your school allows that; I don’t know of any that do. But that is a topic for another thread, I think.
Gosh this is harder than I initially thought OP, especially after reading some of the thoughtful posts from both perspectives.
Let us know what happens!
Personally I’m surprised that people would be willing to do interviews in their homes with minors in this day and age.
@roycroftmom - It’s anytime you enter the building past the offices other than an assembly type event. So if you are setting up for a banquet or event during school hours then you have to be background checked. If there are not enough teachers for a field trip - which is rare - background check. Almost no parents “volunteer” in the classroom. I am probably the exception because our Debate coach has asked me to come in and help judge novice debaters in class. This is a one time a year event that helps our coach make sure her students have had actually debate experience in front of a judge (parent or varsity member) before they go to a tournament. Sorry if that seems scary to you.
I feel sorry for the interviewers drinking coffee after coffee that they don’t want because they are spending hours interviewing local kids. It really was easier before everyone became so suspicious.
BTW I go into strangers houses regularly as an architect. I don’t know these people, but if I am going to help them redo their kitchen or add a bath - I am going to have to suck it up and be alone with them. I’ve met my share of boorish guys, but never as part of my job. An interviewer who behaved inappropriately would not last long.
I meet with interviewees at Panera or Barnes and Noble. I think it is good practice not to meet in someone’s home, given the power disparity.
When my d15 interviewed, the interviewers always suggested coffee shops and other public locations, so this never came up. My d18 hasn’t had to do any interviews. This has been interesting reading all the different opinions. I wish we lived in a world where women didn’t have to worry that a male interviewer would be offended by a woman suggesting moving the interview to a coffee shop (or where the male interviewer would have thought of this in the first place).