Would you please grade my essay

<p>I kinda BSed my way through some of it, so some might not be true/accurate.</p>

<p>"Technology promoises to make our lives easier, freeing up time for leisure pursuits. But the rapid pace of technological innovation and the split second processing capabilities of computers that can work virtually nonstop have made all of us feel rush ed. We have adaopted the relentless pace of the very machines that were supposed to simplify our lives, with the result that, wh ether at work or play, people do not feel like their lives have changed for the better.</p>

<p>-Adapted from Karen Finucan, "Life in the Fast Lane"</p>

<p>Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?"</p>

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<pre><code>From the birth of Jesus Christ to the death of Pope John Paul, man has always been searching for ways to make life easier. Whether it was the first soup bowl or the first super-computer, mans urge to make life easier has always been great. These changes have always been made for positive reasons, but unfortunately things do not always work out that way. Although both the industrial Revolution as well as the calculator have had many positive affects on the world as it is today, their very significant negative affects cannot be ignored.
The Industrial Revolution, or the era of change, was a period of history frequently associated with the invention of the steam engine. The steam engine made life much easier, not just for people at that time but also people now. The steam engine was used in trains and factories, which both need workers to operate the machinery. As hundreds of factories opened up, so did thousands of jobs. Many workers were happy to have jobs at first, but then realized that they were worse off then they had been before. Deplorable condition and next-to-nothing pay was not uncommon for a factory worker. It that wasn?t enough it was also quite common to have a boss that would treat workers more like dogs then humans. Their lives may have been easier with this new machinery, but it was by no means better.
?No calculators, use your brains!?, a common line that I have heard repeatedly from every math teacher that I have encountered. The calculator is quickly becoming one of the most essential items for a high school student, or even an adult. After I had become so dependent on this magical device, it was not easy to rid myself of the habit. If I had ever been to lazy to do a problem, the solution was easy; use a calculator. If I did not know the answer- - use a calculator. I finally had to ask myself ?What if I cannot use a calculator? Then what will I do?? I grew very nervous over the thought of not being able to use my precious calculator, but then I realized that I had become dependent on it, just as a smoker is addicted to cigarettes. This device that allows us to do long division in seconds, or find out exactly how much a 13% tip is has caused us to become so lazy that we can?t take an extra 20 seconds to do out an equation on paper. Our brains need to stay active so you might as well lose the calculator and use your brain instead.
Changes, no matter how big or small, are an important part of our world. Although many changes can have a great deal of positives associated with them, we cannot let ourselves forget that it might not be as great as we think it is.
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<p>Thanks for grading it. Any advice is great, because I am not the best at essays (or getting started at least)</p>

<p>I'm not good at grading essays, but I liked it because it was casual. 8-9? Maybe 10? You should use more vocabulary.</p>

<p>P.S. Can you grade mine its right below yours?</p>

<p>Anyone else mind giving me a score and advice? Thank you.
I feel i was too informal in the personal example paragraph, so I am not gunna do that anymore (unless anyone thinks otherwise)?</p>

<p>I think if I were one of the scorers, on the scale of 1-6, I'd give you a 3.</p>

<p>Another scorer.. I can't imagine anyone going above a 4 on that essay.</p>

<p>So, I'd say maximum of 7 out of 12.</p>

<p>Suggestions: Don't start out with Jesus Christ; it is really arbitrary, your timeframe (from Jesus to the Pope) unless maybe there had been a connection between Jesus inventing the soup bowl or the Pope discovering the calculator... anyway, it just clued me in you were pumping up tires with air, there. Set my teeth on edge, y'know what I mean?
So I assumed the Industrial Rev para would be b.s., too...actually when I reread it, there was logic in it and you made 2 good points (deplorable jobs and bad bosses) to prove it wasn't as good as anticipated when the steam engine made those jobs possible. Your points were buried in all that..."hundreds of factories, thousands of jobs..." I thought, he's inventing numbers on me now...so I didn't trust much of your paragraph. When I reread it, I gave you credit for the points made, however, and restored you from the
2 up to a 3 at that moment. (1 is flat-out incoherent; 2 is unworthy of the reader's time and attention; 3 is kind of average/dull/boring. 4 makes some good points and has a bit of writing flair (which actually you do in places, but not througout...). 5 is sounding like the kid should be reading it to the rest of the class so they'll learn some new ideas from it, plus it's well written throughout. 6, I want to send her/him down to read it to the principal and give the principal something new to think about today, then I'm going to mail it out to the New Yorker to see if they want to publish it.)
I thought the calculator was a good, original, clever example to prove your thesis. Overusing the calculator makes your life...what? Remember you are trying to prove the thesis that it makes life easier. It IS easier to use the calculator, but you blasted your own calculator use b/c it makes you mentally lazy, I guess, so I got confused. Is the calc. proving or disproving your opening thesis?
A small thing, but you can learn this right here: Loook at your cal paragraph right now and see that you used 3 different pronouns, "I" through most of it is fine. But in the last sentence you introduced "our" brains and ended with "you might as well lose" and "your brain." So with 3 different points of view, I felt I was getting confused. Remember you're trying to write persuasively so stick to one pronoun or point-of-view, stand and deliver!</p>

<pre><code>How can you write with less BS? You do sound more confident with well-chosen personal examples than with history. What is your best academic subject? If it isn't history, then go elsewhere. You can use examples from science or technology, or the history of scientific invention...if that's more of a comfort zone for you. So figure on one personal example.
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<p>For the second example, maybe you can draw from science/technology, but if not, are you familiar with anything happening in the health, automotive, kitchen/cooking? You could have picked an exmaple for the above prompt from these, for example: the microwave (faster reheats, but no family dinner together to talk things over, everybody running this way and that...); popping diet pills to lose weight instead of exercise and good nutrition; computer components in cars so kids don't know how to fix their own engines anymore...
Maybe things that come from the life you live around you will feel more real to you and you'll be able to bring more original ideas and insights to them, as you did nicely on the calculator example.
If you stay in fields where you know things (whether it's kitchen, cars, I just was picking examples..) you might feel less need to B.S.
The B S factor really jumped out at the scorer, so definitely COOL that down by upgrading confidence in your content/examples.
Can you do it? You can... think about it, anyway.</p>