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They need to own what they are doing, it doesn't mean much if they don't.
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<p>Absolutely. I finally realized what's bothering me about <em>some</em> of the posts in support of "close to home": As parents, I believe we're supposed to be doing what's best for our children, not what's best for <em>us</em>. The whole notion of "fit" is in contradiction to the notion that a college education is something that's poured into empty skulls by trained technicians (professors) and thus, if the technicians are competent, it doesn't matter so much <em>where</em> one goes to college. Some students may have a broader range of "fit" than others. But imposing geographic limitations seems often (not always...there are myriad circumstances, as has been pointed out) to be a matter of parental selfishness more than anything else.</p>
<p>i have had 2 brain surgerys and 4 seizures since 8th grade(im in 11th currently..) the 4 seizures came w/ the first surgery..and i havent had one since december of 8th grade(3 yrs seizure free!) And my parents still said how about cw post(lets just say if i had energy i could walk there! its not a good school ne way) or hofstra(a little more reasonable a little less then a half hour...) but i refused..i like 2 colleges that r 3 hours away and in my opinion a good distance away from home...i will look at one or 2 colleges closer...and 1 or 2 colleges further away....my parents r leaning on the idea of allowing me to move to cali for college(SOCAL only my sister and and her bfs family maybe even it will be her fiance by that time..its been talked about live in laguna plus a aunt and a uncle and my sisters bf live in SD and another uncle in LA)</p>
<p>Remark_gi: Your S is very fortunate that you did not have to restrict his choices and final decision. For various personal reasons - including financial considerations - many parents cannot take the same position. As mentoned elsewhere, it's important for parents and students to have an honest discussion up-front as to what is feasible, bearing in mind the goals of the student. And this is not always easy....</p>
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For various personal reasons - including financial considerations - many parents cannot take the same position. As mentoned elsewhere, it's important for parents and students to have an honest discussion up-front as to what is feasible, bearing in mind the goals of the student. And this is not always easy....
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<p>Well said. My son wants a Ferrari but hey, sorry, it's just not feasible. I don't feel bad in the least for 'limiting' his options to a Toyota or Honda.</p>
<p>Couldn't agree more. By the time our kids are sophs or jrs in HS, they are NOT blank slates; they are shaped by parents, peers, teachers, coaches, extent of travel, exposure to politics and economics...etc... If we have raised them to see the world as a place to be explored and not feared, then we should not have to impose strict geographic restrictions on them and limit their dreams if the kids THEMSELVES want to spread their wings and fly the coop. SO WHAT if some kids get 3000 miles away and call home crying? They either rise to the challenge or figure out what school is a better fit and transfer out....KUDOS to those kids for at least trying to affect change in their lives. My personal opinion why some of these kids fail to adapt?....because their parents were against the move in the first place and the kids didn't feel wholly supported. Kids call home crying and the frazzled parents hang-up the phone and look at each other and say "See, I KNEW Johnny wouldn't like the west coast!"</p>
<p>I still fail to see how mere distance = maturity. That's all. Some of the most independent kids I know go to school in Manhattan, ten miles away form our town. The distance is completely irrelevant to a kid's likelihood to challenge himself and get outside his comfort zone.</p>
<p>I don't at all think that distance=maturity. I remember during my doctoral program, I suddenly decided to dress better for a very superficial reason and several people remarked upon my increased maturity. Haha. I was the same person in different clothes.</p>
<p>Kids can be totally independent a few miles away or very dependent (phone calls on the hour) across the continent.</p>
<p>Sticker Shock- for as much anecdotal evidence that you can site for kids maturing within ten miles from home....I can site as much about kids who come home almost every weekend from State U to: date their still-in-high-school sweethearts, work at the local Dunkin Donuts, have their laundry done by Mom, and hang out with the same kids they did in high school. Yes, these kids are in college but I don't think they become as self-reliant and confident as those who choose to go further from home and whose visits home are restricted by distance. You must know some pretty savvy kids who can be only a short distance from home yet they are challenging themselves and going out of their comfort zones. The kids I know who stay close to home seem to be just treading water.</p>
<p>My son, a freshman is 4 1/2 hours away this year. Although drivable it usually requires an overnight. In hindsight I wish he was closer as he has only been home for break. Also although he doesnt really admit it he was homesick the first semester and I felt very bad missing him as well. Academically it was a tough first semester as well. The good news? He went back for his second semester and has vowed to "try harder".</p>
<p>Son is 1000 mi away . We are both in major cities and its a relatively easy plane ride. He's had experiences there that he wouldn;t have hand here, and has been exposed to a different culture as well. He wouldnt have gotten that staying closer to home. </p>
<p>Younger son wants to stay in warm weather, but we are going to look all over the south-- east to west coast. I said "no" to Hawaii. that was my limit.</p>
<p>Sticker Shock- for as much anecdotal evidence that you can site for kids maturing within ten miles from home....I can site as much about kids who come home almost every weekend</p>
<p>Its not a competition.
So what if your kid finds the "perfect" school for them and it is only 4 hours away?The size they are looking for, strong academics, programs, environment, students from all over the world...
Do you say- "no, its too close you have to keep looking?"</p>
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You must know some pretty savvy kids who can be only a short distance from home yet they are challenging themselves and going out of their comfort zones.
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Yup, I do. I also know needy kids attending college far away who have yet to cut the apron strings. It's not the distance; it's the attitude & willingness to function independently.</p>
<p>I personally will not dictate where my kids attend college. But I'm quite sure that they'd have a much more colorful, challenging experience going to school in Manhattan than they would living comfortably in a dorm in the middle of a cow pasture. They are free to choose either setting. Distance from home is meaningless to me when seeking independence.</p>
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I can site as much about kids who come home almost every weekend from State U to: date their still-in-high-school sweethearts, work at the local Dunkin Donuts, have their laundry done by Mom, and hang out with the same kids they did in high school.
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<p>Good point. Mom is partly to blame on that. No way would I do my son's laundry!</p>
<p>The high school sweetheart, eh, that is more difficult. Yeah, good point. I sure do want my son to branch out and meet new people. With all the activity going on at college, it's hard for me to imagine him coming home to the comparatively boring social scene. But I can see how a girlfriend might skew his thinking.</p>
<p>Sounds to me like a school 3 hours away would be the happy medium. Close enough to drive home on holidays (or emergencies) but far enough to be too much hassle to drive home on weekends.</p>
<p>It's the 3000 miles away thing that I think is unnecessary to become independent. Having to ship stuff and pay for airplane tickets adds another dimension of cost (not to mention logistical hassle) which might not be possible for many families.</p>
<p>Oh, by the way, I should mention the girl I know who is graduating from Montclair State U, which is only about three miles from our home. Her parents are very frugal, and she was the salutatorian with wonderful stats who could have gone just about anywhere. MSU was a free ride with lots of other goodies thrown in. Despite living three miles from home, they only saw her briefly at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter for the first year. She traveled independently through South America one summer. Never lived home the other summers. Took advantage of wonderful internships & opportunities. And never called home more than once a week. That's a lot more typical than you might think. </p>
<p>Another friend has a D at Sarah Lawrence, probably a half hour drive from home. THey never see her, either. Too busy running into NYC & taking advantage of the great things SL has to offer. For this girl, we were all a little concerned that her over-protective mom & dad would crimp her style by being so physically close. Never happened. Worked out wonderfully for all three as they developed independence from one another.</p>
<p>StickerShock, I agree completely. It really depends on the kid.</p>
<p>Anyway, who says the kid has to be 100% independent at age 18? Isn't that rather arbitrary? If the kid is the type to call home crying, then obviously s/he still needs a bit of support. Does it really have to be an 'all-or-nothing' proposition? What's wrong with recognizing that this particular kid might do better taking a smaller step towards independence, and it might actually be better for him/her in the long run to start out at a college a couple of hours away, which is already a HUGE step for such a kid, and will stretch him/her in just the right amount - being independent for the most part but with the comfort that Mom & Dad are available as a safety net should the need arise - and I mean a genuine need, like an emergency or trauma, NOT doing his/her laundry! ...as opposed to the mentality that the kid MUST go 3000 miles away and abruptly sever those apron strings. Moving far away might surely be appropriate if it's the kid who insists on it, but it's important to recognize that temperaments are different. Was your kid the type who just jumped on his/her first bike and took off, or did s/he need training wheels for a bit? It's not a bad thing to need training wheels, as long as the training wheels DO come off when they're no longer needed.</p>
<p>And, the type of kid who doesn't need training wheels is not going to be deterred by them. S/he'll probably take them off him/herself. Like the examples you cited - those kids who are ready for complete independence will make it happen even if they're in the same town. </p>
<p>Likewise, why on earth would a kid think that Mom will do his/her laundry, unless Mom has already been doing it? My son has been doing his own laundry since he was 16. (Granted, it started out because I messed up one of his shirts by throwing it into the dryer, but hey, it was a good thing.) We do need to do our part to nudge the little birdies out of the nest, but not all the little birdies' wings grow at the same rate and strength. </p>
<p>It's the kid, not the location.</p>
<p>edit: Some of the comments on this thread seem to imply that if your kid is not 100% completely free of needing you for ANYTHING then s/he is somehow needy and missing out on personal growth, and the parents are overindulgent or coddling. It's not a one-size-fits-all. We all love our kids and want what's best for them, but what's best for your kid might not be what's best for my kid.</p>
<p>Overall, I do agree with you stickershock. I will say that I know someone who attends MSU and he is home many weekends. He is not having the college experience that most students who go away have, IMO. </p>
<p>I have a relative that sent his DD across the country at 16 (she graduated hs early). She attended a large U and was not ready for the entire experience. Lets just say that she returned a changed person, but it was not positive, and she never recovered from the experience. Her own son will be living at home and attending community college.</p>
<p>Does anyone wonder if restricting kids will come back to haunt them later? Dr. Phil was talking about young people who didn't get freedom early and how they relish it later. I'd have to agree there may well come a point in time when they need to break away.</p>
<p>Monty--I have the kid you describe. 1/2 hour from home, girlfriend at home,
garage band at friend's home. </p>
<p>I also went to a different college 1/2 hour from home, and didn't come home until Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>I am not thrilled, but I have to look at it like this--If I had insisted that he go far away, would he be trying to transfer and commute from home instead of being very happy with what he calls his "double life"?</p>
<p>I know loads of kids who transfer from faraway schools to close ones, but the opposite is rarely true. I'd rather him experience college life 6 days of of 7 than not at all. I suppose I have to look at the glass as being half full.</p>
<p>I actually know several who went far and transferred
Barnard to UW
Bucknell to Western
U-Bloomington to Tacoma
couple more- but I don't know any who transferred farther away
Some have intended to- especially when the instate or closer school was a 4th choice originally, but was affordable.
However, by the time that they really would have gotten around to it- they fell in love with the school and had a great time there.</p>