I thought I would consult the great hive mind of CC parents on this one. I think the answer is just to do nothing, but would love any advice.
S25 (16 years old) has a girlfriend. They’ve been together now for about 8 months and it is getting progressively more serious. We like her! She’s mostly polite, bright, and seems to have her head screwed on straight There is luckily no drama between the two of them and they are completely smitten with each other. However, they are now spending every possible moment together at the expense of many of S25’s long term friendships, his hobbies, and even his sport (to a lesser degree). And S25 is constantly pushing boundaries in an attempt to be with her even more. We don’t like the way he is acting as this relationship becomes the focus of his life.
We’ve had a long term “no going out on school nights” rule that his sibling has zero problem with that is now a source of constant arguing. To be clear, he’s in athletic practices 4 of the 5 weeknights until 8pm, and we’ve said that if he wants to grab a Starbucks or something on his night off from practice with his girlfriend that’s fine, just no staying out late. We’ve also had issues with him being exhausted in the mornings because he’s been on the phone with her all night.
To make matters worse, her family thinks this is all wonderful and seems to really encourage the relationship. They’re inviting S25 to dinners and family events all of the time. S25 loves her family and is now texting with her parents more than he does with us. I could see an invitation to a vacation together or something like that in the near future, which we wouldn’t be super comfortable with.
So, how to handle? We don’t disapprove of the relationship so much as we wish S25 would spend some of his time with his friends and hobbies rather than just her all the time. I don’t want a Romeo and Juliet situation where we push them together more by trying to keep them apart. I’m also worried that when they do break up that S25 will be absolutely devastated. We kept hoping it would just fade in importance as school started but that is certainly not the case.
Open to all advice, criticism, or just commiseration
FWIW, I’d stick with your no going out on school nights rule.
When my D was in HS, her boyfriend started texting at all hours too and she was also waking up exhausted. I told her no phone/no computer after 10 pm and she had to leave them in the kitchen. Thankfully she seemed more relieved than angry and I told her to just throw me under the bus with her boyfriend. I’m sure he thought I was totally unreasonable but it was the easier for my D to blame me than to set the boundary herself. (She’s great at boundary setting now, but not so much when she was 16).
Your instinct to do nothing is right. Just keep an eye on his grades. If those start to fall, time for a talk, and ask him what he thinks he should do to fix them. Also, consider a no phones/screens after say 1030 pm policy. Include his girlfriend as much as you can, or you will find son is always over there. Have a serious discussion about sex, birth control, condoms. Buy them, put them where he can get them, let him know they are there.
And yes, they will probably break up, and it will break his heart, and you will be there to help him through it.
That’s what we’ve been doing too. Plugged in the kitchen at 10pm. They both think this is the height of unreasonable parental control and there’s a lot of moaning about 10pm. But an exhausted kid is an angry, useless one and we were over it.
I have 5 between the ages of 20 - 27, most have been serial long term daters, from 1 year to 8 years (the 8 year one ended in November, my daughter wax actually living with her boyfriend and his mom starting with Covid, 40 minutes away, I never met his parents, no ring, no need, although I have met a few parents that were situational, not set up. Most of my kids played 3 season varsity sports all 4 years of HS. They were allowed put on school nights (my 22 year old had practice every or a game everyday after school and dance every night, so she usually didn’t go out. If they were tired, good, it’s a lesson.
I’m not the biggest fan of relationships but unfortunately my kids are. If they spend too much time together they risk losing friends. Maybe that has to happen, they’ll learn. The chances of a high school sweetheart situation lasting is slim to none (although I do know one couple my age that started dating at 16, lots of personal changes happened to keep them together). Unless I feel like something dangerous is going on, I stay out of it.
Thanks, I was wondering, too, about the age!
On the bf/gf situation … been there, worried over that. (Mine broke up after 5 intense years.)
I agree with not intervening too much but also keeping a keen eye out.
“Doing a load of laundry” next to our downstairs playroom became a convenient routine for me during gf visits!
I think ditching friends for a relationship is pretty normal. I agree, stay out of it, but keep house rules in place. I’ve been with my husband since high school, so it does happen.
Unfortunately all you can do is have the conversation. I did this myself with a high school boyfriend and really regretted it. I look back and see he was isolating me from my friends.
The only thing I’d question is your view that her family is “encouraging” things because they invite him to dinner etc. We have always had the philosophy of the more the merrier - mostly as I’d much rather have them here then somewhere else. I’ve fed many a friend (not just significant others) - honestly most are just surprised we actually have family dinners almost every night. I do not think a relationship is going to last or not last because I feed them.
It’s one of those - my daughter is like that - attached. You can’t win so best not to get involved. He’s an adult.
Maybe you can ask have you seen so and so etc but really not best to mettle. It’s hard as patents - especially when you hear they are getting close to the other family.
To answer the dinner question. Yes, we’ve had her over for dinner often. They are most often at our house actually because her parents both are in healthcare and work off hours.
What I mean by her parents encouraging the relationship is that they include him in family events/dinners often and they’ve created a group text with him where they all chat about movies and music. They also consistently invite him to do things on school nights even thought we’ve said he isn’t allowed. Am I feeling like the bad guy and a little bitter? Yep totally. And perhaps not being completely fair. It just feels to me that they are already constantly together, maybe we should all not be encouraging even more time together.
