<p>"I think I am slowly coming to the realization that I can't MAKE him go - and that's a hard one for me."</p>
<p>I thought I saw earlier on the thread that he had signed up and paid for the practice sessions. If that's the case, I would be pretty firm about honoring the commitment and the money and then tell him after completing those practices, the decision as to whether to play is all his.</p>
<p>Spending too much time on computer 'junk' is such a huge temptation for the kids and frustration for the parents!!!! I think you should be concerned only if he doesn't find other extracurriculars he wants to get involved in. High school is a great time for kids to bump into activities they never thought about before and to try them out.</p>
<p>Trust your instincts - it will be a big change for him when his brother leaves. Take him to do something where you guys can interact with each other, and also provide some time where he can get together and do something active with his friends. Let him quit the club soccer, but suggest he give the HS team a try. Tell him if he wants to quit soccer, that's fine, but he has to replace it with a new extracurricular or two - make him try something new - debate, band, choir, theater, a different sport, volunteering for a charity or political cause, etc. Kids need to be active and involved and they like it if it's with other kids their age. 'Hanging out' doesn't count as an extracurricular - it's a byproduct.</p>
<p>Zoosermom - you are correct. I've gone so far (in a fit of temper) to say - you signed up, you paid, and you're going.</p>
<p>But I can't actually get him out of the car if he refuses!
I don't think it would come to this, but I hate to risk the conflict of wills.</p>
<p>"But I can't actually get him out of the car if he refuses!
I don't think it would come to this, but I hate to risk the conflict of wills."</p>
<p>Warn him ahead of time that he's going and tell him that you have complete respect for whatever decision he makes, but that once he made a commitment to attend these sessions, he had to fulfill them. If he really knows that he's going to go, with no further commitment, he'll probably be fine. Possibly gripey, but fine.</p>
<p>How well do you and S know the coach(es)? I would think that if S is a pretty good player and expected to make the team, a coach would be interested in speaking with him, and S may be more receptive to either deciding to play or opening up and explaining why he doesn't want to play. I know that I (a rising H.S. senior) am very close to my coaches and would heed their advice without hesitation, in most cases.</p>
<p>Just a thought on an alternative route that may be worth exploring, even though I lack parental experience!</p>
<p>Many years ago, my D wanted to quite ballet in the beginning of a season. I made a deal with her - if she would do it for one month and still didn't want to do it any more then she could quite. I spoke to her teacher about it. The teacher paid special attention to her during that period. The D got over it and has been dancing for 10 years. I think sometime kids get anxious, scared, or just lazy. It's worth it to give them a bit of push (like a personal trainer) to see if it would get them over the hump. </p>
<p>What I would insist on is for him to do something, if not soccer than do something else, but sitting at home doing nothing is not an option. Sometimes kids don't think ahead. They don't realize by not trying out now would mean not able to play in fall, therefore miss hanging out with soccer friends, and would also be harder to get back into it next year. Maybe older broher could talk to him too.</p>
<p>Oldfort - I agree - he just doesn't want to take the push (or bribe) it has begun to be more about him not backing down, than about soccer (at least I fear it has).
I agree completely with your last paragraph and that's why I came here to vent/seek conversation - because I just don't think he can see ahead an adult can.
UC - I tried "the question" and he said even if it were no cut and even if his bro. hadn't been on the HS team before him, he would still not want to try out this year.
We are leaving the subject alone for now, but camp starts Monday and neither of us looks to be giving in!</p>
<p>If it were my son (and I've faced this problem in regard to orchestra audiyions which are horrible because you get a "seat) I'd strike a deal: do the tryouts, and then I won't say a peep if you want to quit. This approach worked with my son countless times to get him past fears, and it assured me that if he quit something he really wanted to quit. If that doesn't work, I guess I'd throw in the towel. I might say he had to replace the activity, even if the repacement isn't sports. It sepends on whether or not I really thought he needed an activity. If he did, it would not be too difficulot to convince him.</p>
<p>It's also possible he's afraid of the academic demands of h.s.</p>
<p>My S made a few mistakes he regrets: not taking driver's ed, chickening out of AP chem (took AP environmental instead) and choosing school play over playing at Lincoln Center (actually, the last one only I regret LOL.) It's part of the learning process. As a dear friend says, "Nothing is wasted."</p>
<p>I totally agree that we shouldn't force kids to do a sport or other activity that they don't want to do. BUT...</p>
<p>I think your intuition is right here - I think it's fear that's holding him back. Fear of not living up to bro, fear of having no free time to try new things... fear in general. I really suspect he's trying to find a way to differentiate himself from his older brother. But quitting soccer just because his brother was good at it and he wants to be different from his brother would be like cutting off his nose to spite his face, IF he likes soccer and excels at it.</p>
<p>I'd tell him he must go to the practice sessions, then decide. I'd STRONGLY encourage him to play this year. If it's really no fun and he really hates it, then he doesn't have to do it next year. But how can he know if HS soccer is fun or not if he's never done it? I've seen my DD try to hold back from activites for fear (what if I try out for the show and get a part I don't want?) and she has ended up LOVING those activities and wondering how she ever considered not doing them.</p>
<p>That said, D's BF was a standout hockey player with MVP trophies and a promise of the Varsity team from the HS coach when he was in 8th grade (and our hs hockey team has won the league 5 years running). But he burned out. He tried basketball and found that he preferred it, although at 5' 9" he's never going to be a basketball star. He quit hockey and played frosh basketball. Started the year on the bench, focused on speed and defense and ended the year as MVP of the frosh team. BUT... he quit hockey because he knew there was something else he wanted - basketball. I get the feeling your son's case is different. If he wanted to quit soccer because he wanted to try football, I'd say let him go for it. But just to quit because he's afraid it won't be "fun", I'd say he needs to try it for a year and then decide.</p>
<p>(I wonder if these parents and coaches who encourage kids to play a single sport year round when they're young ever consider the consequences - a lot of kids "burn out" and quit. Maybe if they'd been encouraged to do a lot of different activities insead of focusing on one, they'd still like the one they excel at when they get to high school. Just a thought...)</p>
<p>well - we are still at stalemate. I am saying he must go the prep camp days and then if he doesn't want to try out, I'll support him. He is saying no, he's not going and going to camp would be dumb if he already knows he's not trying out because it would make teamates and couch think he was.
He wants to skip fall and winter sports and play HS tennis in the spring. He continues to not understand why I just won't believe him that this isn't about fear or aversion of risk, it's just about being done with soccer.
I continue to not believe him.
It appears we'll try not to talk about it too much the rest of today.
wits' end is just around the corner</p>
<p>Hang in there, orjr. The fun is just beginning (but since you have an older son, you know that...).</p>
<p>We do the best we can. If the kids don't take our advice, and end up regretting it, well it's their lesson learned.</p>
<p>You say you and your S have a good honest relationship, so why would you not believe him about this? He probably just feels "soccer'ed out" and needs a break. GIVE IT TO HIM. Maybe he is moving on in his life. You need to let him.</p>
<p>I think this is a hard one. Our younger S decided the week before football tryouts as a 9th grader that he wasn't going to go out for the team. He had made the super senior team the prior fall, which is an all county select team and had a horrible experience with the coach who defended his brutality by saying that was what football in high school would be like. We did convince him, through quite a bit of force, to just give it a try and we would let him quit any time if it really wasn't fun. He has loved high school football, was a starter on Varsity in 10th grade and eagerly awaits the two-a-days that start on Monday for his junior year.</p>
<p>On the other hand our older son, who had been a competitive club team soccer player, had a bad four years on the high school soccer team. It was never fun. They played a very different style because the players weren't as skilled. He hated the coach, etc. He stuck it out all four years even though we encouraged him to quit since he complained so much about it. But, he never burnt out on the sport. He still plays for fun every chance he gets and is doing hard core work-outs to optimize chances of making the college club team this fall.</p>
<p>If he is quitting due to burnout, then I think he should quit. If he is quitting due to fear (as our younger son was with football), then I think he should be pushed.</p>
<p>why this need to keep doing the same activity forever...why do we feel we need to push that?</p>
<p>OK - after sleeping on it, I'm trying to decide how hard to push the go to prep practices compromise. If he doesn't back down I'm setting us up for a fight to get in the car and a fight to get him out at practice. Objectively - that just seems stupid. If I pretend for a minute that he's telling the truth - his feelings are NOT about being afraid, or being in older bro's shadow - he just wants to go to HS and have free time without practice every day and without running miles. He wants to have time at home to just "hang", join DECA - the school business club, workout at the gym (alone), and in the spring he'll play on the tennis team. It sounds relatively reasonable.
My issues with the above are - too much free time home alone after school (2 hours per day), and fear that the real truth is more along the lines of what if all my friends make JV and I only make frosh? Or what if the fitness drills are so tough at prep camp that I throw up or am last at running, or otherwise embarass myself for life? - NORMAL 14y/o angst!</p>
<p>Citygirl - it's not that I want him to keep the same activity forever, it's that I want him to be able to step past his fear and try something new - he has always been the personality that needs a push - wants to be super at something before he does it the first time, etc.</p>
<p>My 14 year old niece said to my sister, "Why didn't you ever make me stick with anything?" She has tried dance, piano, modeling, acting, but never more than 6 months. My kids chose their own ECs (violin, piano, dance, fencing, laccross). Both of them at one time or another had wanted to quite those activities. We usually tried to ask them to stick it out for another month or so, or take a short break over summer. To date, piano and dance remained for the older daughter. The younger one stayed with piano, violin and dance. I think with any of those activities, it is always difficult when it's time to move to the next level. Kids get anxious and become afraid of failure. We found with a bit of assurance or encouragement goes a long way. </p>
<p>A good friend's 13 year old D, told her parents that she wanted drop all her ECs because she was too stressed out, and was not doing too well in school. The H blamed my friend for over schedulinng. My friend dropped all ECs, the daughter had a lot more time to focus on school work, her grades dropped even further and took more time to do her homework. She also had more time to fight her mother. More free time does not always mean happier kid, or better student. We usually use ECs to make sure our kids did their homework on time (lower grades, no ballet practice).</p>
<p>If he's fighting you so hard that he will refuse to get out of the car when you get to the practice field, then you may have to give up. Maybe he is just burned out. He may regret not playing, but it will be his problem and his lesson learned. At least he's interested in tennis, so he's not against hs sports in general.</p>
<p>UPdate for all of the kind CC'ers who posted. My S and I journal back and forth, and after another good talking session, I wrote him a note that basically told him I love him and I trust him, therefore I will trust him on this issue. He has heard me out in all of my thoughts on it, and I will support his decision, but my expectations are that he be engaged after school, that he have exercise every day, and that he re-pay the prep camp fee if he decides not to attend, as well as talk to the coach and explain himself.
He - very appreciatively, and with a kiss - said, "thank you, mom! I think I want to try debate."
He is not going to the prep camp, and while this doesn't prevent him showing up for tryouts, I can't imagine him changing his mind.
Thanks to you guys for all your thoughts as well as providing me a place to vent! The process of my S and I talking was a really good one!</p>
<p>Wow... a teenaged son who talks. Probably because he had a mom who actually listens! Maybe I need to try that more myself sometime...</p>
<p>Good luck in hs, sounds like you two are off to a good start.</p>
<p>Congratulations on a great outcome! Something tells me he's going to be one dynamite debater!</p>