<p>Our S, a performing arts major, was accepted into several schools and feels Ithaca College is his best fit. He is creative, social and pretty smart, but his inmaturity has raised doubts on whether he is emotionally ready for college. All too often, he does not tell the truth about things and uses questionable judgment. Naturally, he wants away from his parents. In fact, maybe he would be more responsible if he were away from home. However, we have concerns about making a sizable investment in a child who one minute acts like an 18-year-old and the next minute acts like a 13-year-old. Have others had similar mixerd feelings as thier S's and D's were graduating high school and ready to head off for college? How did things work out?</p>
<p>We had similar feelings, perhaps for different reasons. Going away for college did not work out.</p>
<p>Trust your intuition. Does your son seem significantly less mature than his age peers?</p>
<p>On edit: his male age peers. Girls are more mature.</p>
<p>My son was a bit on the immature side when he headed off to college. He learned to handle things for himself to a much greater extent because he was away from home. Also, the trying-to-break-away-from-parents issue was much diminished because he was elsewhere so much of the time.</p>
<p>So I think that for many kids who don’t seem ready for the independence of college, it may actually be a good thing.</p>
<p>However, this may not be true in more extreme cases.</p>
<p>In that case, the question becomes: If he doesn’t go to IC (or some other college), what’s he going to do instead? He needs to do something for the next 4 years.</p>
<p>Yes, I had concerns about both sons’ level of maturity. Older S went to college right after high school and flunked out due to too much partying. At 26, he has never returned to college, but does live away from home and supports himself.</p>
<p>Younger S took a gap year after high school, living at home (and paying rent) while volunteering for Americorps. After that, he went to college and has been a Dean’s List student there.</p>
<p>Give examples of what behavior is leading to your concerns. There’s a big difference between the immaturity demonstrated by a kid who, for instance, comes in later than their curfew and one who needs to be nagged to do their homework and to get up to go to class. </p>
<p>I also suggest that you let your son know now what grades and behavior you’ll require of him for you to help finance his college. This includes what grades are acceptable for the final quarter of senior year. I’d have great concern about sending someone off to college who got Ds in final quarter senior year grades even if their overall gpa for the year still was decent.</p>
<p>I do not know your son, so I can not give any specific advice re whether he should be off to colle; however, I will say that should you chose to send him, do not put a lot of money in a bank account for him to access his month to month expenses. Pay the tuition directly to the school, put him on a meal plan, etc. You could set up a bank account and put a few hundred in and then add a little each month, but you do not want to get burned by immature spending sprees.</p>
<p>Also, know that if he goes to college and is awarded substantial aid, but he does not go to class and flunks out, you may be on the hook to pay taxes on the grant. You will not get tuitin back if he flunks out.</p>
<p>Parent intuitions are often correct. I would said there is a difference between rebellious behavior of a 17-18 year old male who needs to go and is totally capable of functioning on his own, going to work when scheduled, getting up on time and getting to school on time, isn’t skipping classes etc. but is clearly pushing parent buttons and the envelope on the house rules. The difference to me is a rebellious son will most likely be successful on his own because he’s simply driven by a need to “prove that he can stand on his own two feet”, an immature one still needs the parents to make decisions, needs to be prodded in the morning or reminded that he’s scheduled for work etc. There’s fine line and it’s infinitely painful to try and figure out whether it’s rebelliousness or immaturity…they often can appear the same.</p>
<p>I really appreciate some of the thoughtful comments. We have had challenges on a number of fronts with S – coming in after curfew; missing homework assignments; saying he is going to a movie and then hanging out in the park with friends to have a few beers; struggling to get up in the morning (although he seems like a night owl). While he has had some ADD issues that affect his ability to focus and study, some of the inconsistent behaviors seem typical of most teens</p>
<p>Dear Michael,
How does your son feel about it? Have you discussed the college demands as a family? Ithaca College is supposed to be wonderful, especially for the creative minds. It may be a chance for your son to spread his wings. Even if he does fall flat on his face with his first round of mid-terms in the fall, he may surprise you. My sister-in-law, now a very successful engineer, laughs about how she was placed on Academic Probation her first year at WPI. It all worked out.<br>
If you are worried about the focus and study habits, it might be good to prepare for that early. Talk to the student tutoring services at the schools your son was accepted to, maybe having a good student support system in place will be very important. Also, when those things come up this spring as a senior, make it your son’s responsibility to rectify things with his teachers. Our son is already 18 but we strongly live by the ‘under our roof’ rule, especially in regards to his school work. He has a car and a cell phone; both are privileges, and both can be taken away. It’s worked for us. </p>
<p>Whenever there’s an opportunity to have him be independent, we try to jump on that as well. For some families it’s second nature, but with my son, opening a check book, getting used to using a debit card, cooking, dining, shopping, etc. Sometimes our kids have been so coddled, we forget that they are going to leave us and need to do all of these things. </p>
<p>Does your son have a 504 for his ADD? That may also help with exploring what’s available at college to help him survive. One thing that was recommended to us was that my son take one less class in the fall, so he can get acclimated to the routine. I think that’s a good idea.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>At this point in his high school, I suggest turning over to him responsibilities involved in getting up and getting to school. If he’s unable to do this while living at home, he won’t be able to do it in college.</p>
<p>Younger S (ADD and gifted) carried Ds in a senior year first period class because S didn’t get to school on time. He carried Ds in a science class because of not getting lab reports in on time.</p>
<p>During S’s gap year, S managed, however, to make it to work on time. He also handed in his monthly reports when they were due because he wasn’t allowed to leave work until they were done!</p>
<p>In college, S has consistently been on Dean’s list, and has made it to his morning classes. In fact, I called him once on a Sun., and was concerned that I may have awakened him at 10 a.m. He told me that he is always up by 9 a.m. ! This from a guy who used to sleep at home until afternoon on weekends. </p>
<p>After our experience with older S (ADHD, gifted), who flunked out of college after barely squeaking through senior year due to the kind of behaviors that occurred with younger S, we told younger S that if he had major grade problems senior year, H and I would not pay toward his college until S went to college for a year on his own dime and got acceptable grades.</p>
<p>We’ve always told our sons that they would be expected to pay in college for their books and social expenses. </p>
<p>We did, however, co-sign loans for younger S’s college. Believe me, younger S very much appreciates his college experience, and takes it very seriously. He works up to 14 hours a week, is very active in ECs directly related to his major, and is taking a challenging courseload. His gap year experience taught him what the real world is like, and gave him an important opportunity to mature so he could handle college well.</p>
<p>While both of my sons were prescribed meds for their ADD/ADHD, neither liked taking the meds and neither wanted accommodations. Younger S has done fine in college without meds and accommodations. Knowing that he’s easily distractable, he makes a point of studying in the library instead of in his dorm, where it’s easy to be interrupted by others.</p>
<p>Older S does very well in his job without meds or accommodations.</p>
<p>Of course, if your S is willing to have those things, they may help, but I want you to know that ADD/ADHD doesn’t mean that a student can’t handle college.</p>
<p>I spent last week listening to my niece who is finishing up a performing arts major at Ithaca College. She described how they train their actors regarding showing up on time, for example to an audition or rehearsal. “If you are l0 minutes early, that is appropriate. If 5 minutes early, barely acceptable. If you arrive on time, you are late.”</p>
<p>Perhaps there are lessons that your S will hear better at college than at home.</p>
<p>I agree he sounds like someone who needs boundaries in these last months at home. He’s actually heading for a very structured, demanding major as it is offered to students at Ithaca College. It’s not the army, but it might require more of him than you imagine. Also some kids who lose homework papers wouldn’t dream of missing a rehearsal. What he needs to understand is that he must do both to survive in his major at college, tending both to academics and the competitive major that accepted him, in order to stay with the program he wants so much.</p>
<p>Just noticed what your S plans to major in. Younger S is a theater major.</p>
<p>It requires more hard work and discipline than I ever would have imagined. For instance, he has to write an 80-100 page paper (the only course requirement) this semester for his script analysis class. He also has done crew – spending as many as 12 or more hours on a Saturday, and that was just part of the time he put in as a crew member that week) – for virtually all of the school’s productions this year. </p>
<p>In addition, he’s taking a full load and working 10-14 hours a week.</p>
<p>Having such a demanding major can be a blessing for someone with ADD/ADHD who loves their major because they can be inspired to stay focused and organized because they know they don’t have time to waste.</p>
<p>Students, however, who dream of having stardom fall on their shoulders without their having to do any work, won’t rise to the challenges of their major. They’ll do the fun things, but won’t do the other essential things like attend and study for the required classes that don’t interest them.</p>
<p>Older S, for instance, majored in a field that he loved, but he thought classes were boring, so he skipped classes while spending virtually all of his time partying or participating in the EC related to his major. He did a great job at that EC, but that didn’t prevent his getting kicked out because of his horrendous grades.</p>
<p>Woody Allen once gave T-shirts to everyone in the cast and crew of his movie set. T-Shirt said, “Just Show Up.”</p>
<p>My husband and I had some of the same concerns when we sent are son off to college this past fall. I llked your description of your son sometimes acting 18 and sometimes acting 13. Believe me, it rang a bell. </p>
<p>Our son is actually doing pretty well – he has a low B average – at a small liberal arts school. He isn’t quite where we’d like him to be, in terms of maturity, but he is improving.</p>
<p>We looked at it this way. It cost us about $10,000 out-of-pocket for our son to attend his school for a semester (he has a scholarship). We considered what kind of position we would be in if our son flunked out after a semester. That is, what would happen if we spent $10,000 and he had no credits to show for it?</p>
<p>In our case, we decided that was a gamble we were willing to take. No one would be happy about “losing” the money, but it wouldn’t jeopardize our ability to pay for his (or his younger brother’s) education. I don’t think we would have come to the same conclusion if we were taking out loans for his education, and didn’t have a significant college fund for both boys.</p>
<p>Best of luck.</p>
<p>
Is this a typo? That’s a master’s thesis, for crying out loud. A faculty member who voluntarily takes on the task of reading multiple papers that length written by undergraduates should either get a medal or a screening for masochistic personality disorder.</p>
<p>We definitely worry about our son making the transition in terms of things like getting up in the morning (still an issue, though he’s making progress) and just generally being in control of his schedule and his responsibilities. But I don’t think he’s going to get to where he needs to be in those areas as long as he’s living at home, and college, for all its demands, is probably about as soft a landing as anybody gets. There will be bumps. He will survive them.</p>
<p>“For instance, he has to write an 80-100 page paper”</p>
<p>Not a typo. That’s the one requirement for S’s “Script Analysis” class that is required of theatre majors at his second tier LAC. The paper is written bit by bit throughout the semester. S is taking it junior year so if he doesn’t pass it, he can retake it senior year and still graduate on time.</p>
<p>By comparison, theater majors at the second tier public in my city only have to write a 10-page paper for their senior project.</p>
<p>I truthfully tell S that his second tier LAC has tougher assignments than I had at Harvard . It’s possible to write 80-100 papers for Harvard undergrad courses (I distinctly remember not taking a literature class after the professor said that a previous student had written a 100-page paper), but I don’t think there are any majors that require you to do that.</p>
<p>S’s abnormal psychology class --that he took as a freshman – had at least one assignment that was similar to what I had to do as a first year psychology doctoral student at GWU, which had an excellent psychology graduate program.</p>
<p>I am awed at what LACs require of their students in terms of writing and critical thinking. H-- who graduated from a 2nd tier LAC – had long been trying to explain to me the excellence of a LAC education, but now that I see what S has to do, I finally understand.</p>
<p>I remember, too well, the anxiety. I finally decided that going to college was one of those experiences he was going to have, ready or not. </p>
<p>He also went to a well-regarded LAC. Believe me, these schools have seen your son, a hundred times over. There is help available. From what I can tell, there’s no real stigma attached to seeking out the tutoring center, etc. Encourage him to use the resources available. I know, I know, young men hate asking for help. He might surprise you.</p>
<p>I would rather see this kind of young man at Ithaca than the big state school where getting lost in the crowd is a real danger. People at Ithaca will care about him.</p>
<p>It’s hard, isn’t it? Take a deep breath. Let go.</p>
<p>OTOH…a kid can get lost at a smaller school as well. If they decide not to go to class or do the work, it’s nobody’s fault but their own. Believe me, we have been through this…</p>
<p>I appreciate the wide-ranging perspectives from people who have gone through the dilemma. I particularly related to the thoughts of those who say that we have to give our kids every opportunity to gain independence, even if there are bumps on the way. The college environment – especially smaller LAC’s – seems like a safe and supporting environment to move the process along toward independence.</p>
<p>I had concerns about my son too, but I think that there comes a point when you have to let your kid(s) go and see if they can make it on their own. Our son is now about to graduate, and he has mature immensely. He thrived over his four years and is emerging as a confident (mostly) adult. I think that all you can/should do is send your son to Ithaca and make sure that he keeps in touch with you on a regular basis. I think that the advice to carefully regulate the money supply is a good one.</p>
<p>Ithaca was on my daughter’s short list, but she decided that it was too restrictive in terms of requiring the early declaration of a major, as well as a strong set of liberal arts core requirements. In you son’s case, these all may work to his advantage.</p>