Seeking profile of kids who do well far from home

Parents Forum
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<p>How do you determine just how to balance encouraging your kid vs pushing him?</p>

<p>My son is extremely intelligent, but he is not one of those stellar 'superman' students who takes on a huge load. He's just taking 2 classes right now at the cc, has an awesomejob selling/fixing computers, and friends. But, he's bored. I think he needs more intellectual stimulation and college life would be just the thing.</p>

<p>Today we went over the list of prospective colleges and he picked his 5. 4 of them are out-of-state, but they seem a perfect fit (along with the in-state which is also a perfect fit). But, he's just not sure if he is ready to move to another state. (The instate school is only an hour's drive away.) And, there is a 6th school (out-of-state) that is not a perfect fit, but they offered him full tuition (for being a Hipanic Recognition Scholar) and it's a good school, so that is being considered.</p>

<p>If he went to any of the out-of-state schools, especially the one that offered him full tuition, he'd obviously be going on a financial aid package with a heavy-duty committment, as opposed to having more flexibility if he were in-state and we were paying for it.</p>

<p>He's feeling overwhelmed about the decision. I know that part of him wants to 'fly' and go off on an adventure, and part of him is just not ready for that.</p>

<p>How do parents advise their kids? Are there any guidelines for ascertaining the 'profile' of the kid who does well far away from home? as compared to the kid who lives at home, works and goes to school part-time, and flourishes in that way? </p>

<p>My son does not seem to fit any mold. He's adventurous in many ways, mostly intellectual, but I'm not sure if that translates to being ready to move out. Do parents just assume that when their kid graduates h.s. or turns 18 that s/he is ready to face the world? Are there some families who decide that maybe that's not the best plan after all, that maybe going to the local college is actually the first choice?</p>

<p>I'm posting this on a college board, where the majority of people DO send their kids off to college, obviously, so I'm not expecting a huge variety of answers. But...surely there are some people out there who have struggled with this?</p>

<p>I want to encourage him to find what will work for him, but I don't want to push him into something just because the opportunity is there, as it might not be the right thing for him. I want to support him in finding his own way, but how do I do that?</p>

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<p>I think the emotional health of the kid is the most important thing. A few kids fall apart when they leave home, but the vast majority don't. How long has your son been out of high school?</p>

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<p>"I want to support him in finding his own way, but how do I do that?" </p>

<p>It looks like you're doing a pretty good job exactly what you're doing. It also appears that you have good communication with your son. Maybe you could talk through his feelings to come to some kind of conclusion. What his fears are, what his dreams are and break it down so it's not so overwhelming. Let him come to his own conclusion.</p>

<p>I'd say taking a few classes at CC and working has been a great thing. Maybe the college that's an hour away would be a good starting point. Good luck! He sounds like a great kid.</p>

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<p>My H & I pushed our D to go away from home (our deal was at least 300 miles away). </p>

<p>We felt that it would be best for her, and we had confidence that she could handle it. She ultimately agreed and picked a distant school (all day flying to get there). She has handled it beautifully. A few wobbles but nothing too terrible, and her confidence has soared. </p>

<p>The school is a great fit.</p>

<p>Never forget that the school is set up to ease a kid's transition, and nearly everyone is going through the same transition that your kid is going through.</p>

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<p>A few questions and comments:

[quote]
he'd obviously be going on a financial aid package with a heavy-duty committment

[/quote]
What do you mean by this? Why is there less of a commitment on his part if he goes to your in-state school? I'm just not sure what you are getting at here.</p>

<p>Is this currently a hs student or someone post-high school?</p>

<p>I am one of the fans of going elsewhere for college - just another way to expand your horizons. BUT, even though I have that bent, I wouldn't encourage a kid feeling overwhelmed to do that*. We are putting our S and my step-grandS through college at the same time. My S only considered schools quite a distance away. Our grandS never considered any school other than his in-state flagship (practically right next to his home town) and the fairly nearby next-door state flagship. He goes in-state but lives on campus. I wouldn't have considered trying to alter either of their choices.</p>

<p>*if he doesn't want to. If he does want to consider it, see below:</p>

<p>If you would like to help your S work through his reservations about going away, I think an overnight at a school, once he's accepted, can do wonders - for you and him. If there is an Accepted Students overnight/day/weekend, he will be welcomed, there will be activities to draw him in. If you choose to attend functions for parents at the same time, you won't be with him all of the time, will overlap a bit and will be able to see how comfortable (let's think positive here :) ) he is in the environment. I know that seeing my S engaged with his peers (even though they did almost none of the organized activities ;) ) at one of these events was a wonderful feeling.</p>

<p>Is the in-state school a possible compromise? You said, I think, that it is an hour away. But you also refer to him commuting from home. Why not have him live on-campus if he chooses this school? That would go a long way toward having him "fly."</p>

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<p>distance is a concern- but some schools are quite accessible by plane/etc making the distance not as much of issue
Also as well as distance- the types of schools
are they schools that are commuter schools?
Mostly attract those from the region?
National?
My daughter only seriously considered schools in our region.( none in our large city)
However- several of those attracted students- nationally and even internationally.
Additionally- she chose to take a year off after high school before beginning college.This decision was shared by others in her class and was becoming a more popular decision by students in her school, which has a fairly high percent of students attending 4 year colleges.
It was a good decision for her.
Taking a gap year, gave her more maturity and perspective and she attended a much more challenging school than she had previously applied to during her senior year.
While she did ultimately attend a school that was within a few hours drive ( but in the next state), "fit" still took priority over distance.</p>

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<p>I think the key is supporting him in making HIS decision. If he doesn't feel comfortable going far from home, he shouldn't go far from home. I have one kid who felt the same way. In the end, he ditched a school far from home and chose one only 2 hours away. The other kid, OTOH, only looked at schools that were a lengthy plane ride away. She wanted something different. These kids could not have switched places...they each had their own reasons for wanting to go the distances they chose. And I don't think there is a "profile"...it's individual to each child.</p>

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<p>Interesting question. My son went to college this fall 3,000 miles away from home. It was his number one choice and his decision. He was accepted at schools closer to home. He is a very outgoing, social kid but was not really the most popular kid in high school. He worked part time throughout high school and was friendly with adults he worked with. He was close to his family, he would call me nightly on the five minute drive home from work to talk about his day. He had done some overseas travel and gone to some summer programs. He loves college and is not homesick. He has always been a self reliant kid. For example, when he was twelve a neighbor's kid got hurt. He called an ambulance, called the kid's mother at work, then a few hours later walked home and told my mother in law who was housesitting/babysitting the whole story. She asked why he didn't call her and he told her "I didn't need you. I had it handled Grandma."<br>
On the other hand, some of his friends have done the community college from home route. A few had rough transitions, feeling that a lot of their friends had gone away to four year schools. One mom told me recently that she had to explain to her son that his friends/study groups at the cc might consist of a more diverse background in terms of age, etc. than the high school kids he grew up with. She told him he is an adult now and that he has to find a way to fit in with adults, not just high school kids.<br>
I agree with thumper1, make sure it is his decision. I would never have pushed my son to go so far away and if he really wanted to go the cc route that would have been okay too.<br>
As far as assuming your 18 year old is ready to face the world, I shudder at the thought. For me it has taken a huge leap of faith and reminding myself that I did a good job raising him to send DS so far away. I don't think any of us assumes they are ready to face the world. We support their decisions and pray for the best (and be ready to assist if it doesn't work out).</p>

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<p>Thanks to everyone for your comments!</p>

<p>He is homeschooled and started attending the local cc in 10th grade. He's now technically in 12th grade and at the end of spring 2007 will have 38 hours (all core curr. transferrable to the state flagship school) and an excellent GPA. He attends part-time and has a job selling computers, which is an excellent experience right now.</p>

<p>The instate school is UT Austin. We live in San Antonio, 1.5 hour away. If he goes there, he would definitely live in Austin, not commute. And he loves Austin, and it's a great school and affordable, so we had always assumed he'd go there.</p>

<p>What's happened is that someone on this forum advised me to not rule out other schools just because of cost, so I bought some college books and my son and I looked thru them and picked out a few schools that seem really radically cutting-edge in certain ways, and seemed like a great fit. Also, they are smaller schools, and I am beginning to see some of the drawbacks of a huge school like UT. These other schools are much, much more expensive, so he knows that even if he is accepted, it will depend on financial aid as to whether it'll even be possible.</p>

<p>Another thing that got us thinking along these lines is that yesterday he got an offer for a full-tuition scholarship at Westminster College (see my thread by that name). We'd probably end up paying less than if he went to UT, overall. He thinks it would be foolish to pass that up, but he's not sure if he wants to go there. I told him that just because he got an offer doesn't mean he has to take it.</p>

<p>If he took that offer (or some other financial aid package from an expensive out-of-state school) then it seems like that would be making a bigger commitment to stay there 4 years, and a lot of hassle if for some reason it didn't work out.</p>

<p>Whereas, right now he is considering just going to UTSA part-time for 1 year, THEN transferring to UT Austin. UTSA is the local state school - it's ok as a transitional school and might be a great preparation for UT Austin full-time. And, if he stayed home for 1 more year and went to UTSA, we could help him get a car. That's definitely something in favor of doing that; even though right now he is driving my car, he's a normal 18-yo and wants his own car. (I told him he shouldn't make his decision just to get the car, and he's mature enough not to do that, I think.)</p>

<p>It would be less of a commitment because he can decide at any time to transfer from UTSA to UT Austin, or back to UTSA from UT Austin for that matter (although I can't conceive of him doing that.)</p>

<p>I'd always thought that living on his own in a nearby city would be the best of both worlds - he would have the independence of being on his own, yet be close by.</p>

<p>I think a lot of this got started with that full-tuition offer. He is struggling with the idea of 'but I can't pass this up.'</p>

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<p>UT Austin! UTSA is a good school too. Has he visited both campuses?</p>

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<p>Oh, and he did actually stay at UT Austin for a 4-day Honors Colloquium this past summer. I thought for sure that would get him excited about moving off to college, but it actually backfired! He only got 2-3 hours sleep each night because EVERYONE stayed up til 3 or 4 am and they had to get up at 7, and it was very noisy in the dorm. By the last day he was really exhausted and overwhelmed. He didn't mind being away from home in the least - he was excited about that part - but it just ended up being a less-than-pleasant experience.</p>

<p>I think somehow he needs to get that experience replaced with something positive.</p>

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<p>Wow, so surprised to hear something positive about UTSA! I had somehow gotten the impression that if it wasn't a 'top-ranked' school that he shouldn't 'settle' for it. But from what I've seen, it seems that they just have more space than students, since it's a relatively new school, so can afford to accept most students. If he does go to UTSA for 1 year, he would still hopefully end up at UT Austin the following year. It would be a good transition to go from SAC (the cc) to UTSA to Austin. He hasn't visited UTSA yet, but he did stay at UT Austin this past summer (see previous post).</p>

<p>So he's faced with 2 completely different options: go off to some unknown destination, or take it slowly.</p>

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<p>I think he has lots of wonderful options, lealdragon. </p>

<p>One thought I have about the UTSA to UT-Austin transfer plan. My S just transferred (he had to, as he was at Tulane and they are phasing out his major in the aftermath of Katrina). He transferred to his top choice school, so that is good. But transferring raises additional questions of whether it's harder to meet students, make social connections etc. My S made great friends at his first school and was reluctant to leave them behind. He could have stayed and changed majors, but his decision was to stick with his original career plans and major, so he transferred.</p>

<p>In other words, "take it slow" if it includes starting at school A and moving on to school B could also mean "make it more complicated."</p>

<p>Maybe that wouldn't apply so much in your case, as he may know a number of kids already at both schools. Anyway, just a thought.</p>

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<p>There are scholarships available for the Honors College at UTSA:</p>

<p><a href="http://www.utsa.edu/scholarships/honors.cfm%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.utsa.edu/scholarships/honors.cfm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>Does your son have any specific educational/career goals or ambitions? Can they be met locally at UTSA or is there a need to go elsewhere?</p>

<p>It sounds like he has a pretty good setup locally with the neat job (do his career interests lie in that area or is this just a hobby to earn money?). Could the job be replicated elsewhere?</p>

<p>My daughter made the 9th grade leap (1000+ miles) 7 weeks ago because she saw the end of her local options in moving towards her goals. There wasn't much to give up. She is doing wonderfully, no homesickness, etc.</p>

<p>If you son doesn't have a specific goal in mind and independence is low on his priority list, then I could see a difficulty in making a decision for him, especially if he has to give up his fun comforts (job).</p>

<p>Yeah, a challenging school environment is a good thing to want, but he has to know what challenge he want to tackle for it to drive him out of a comfort zone.</p>

<p>The negative experience with the college stay does complicate things. I hope he doesn't think college life is full of sleepless nights (except during finals, of course). </p>

<p>He's gotta forget about the money thing with the scholarships. It isn't a deal if it isn't what you want.</p>

<p>Something to checkout while considering FA though. If he gets merit money at UTSA, how much of it can transfer with him to Austin?</p>

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<p>He's in a transitional phase socially right now. He's not hanging out with his hs friends anymore, because most of them starting drinking and getting high. They used to get together and play video games, and now all they want to do is party. (I'm proud of him for not staying with that group of friends.) He says he needs new friends. He has some girls that he's dating but no one special. None that are college-bound. Not that that's a requirement, but most of his friends just don't seem interested in their futures, and he's realizing that he'd like to meet some new people that he has more in common with. So, leaving friends behind is definitely not a problem - in fact, the contrary is true - he is anxious to go to college to meet new friends. The cc has mostly older people, and the few young people don't seem interested in doing well in school.</p>

<p>Our original plan was for him to spend 1 more year at the cc, but that is definitely not happening now. It was a step up from the homeschool co-op, but now he's outgrown it, for sure. (And, he has more hours accumulated than I thought he would, so it's time to move on.) I would think that he'd meet some interesting people at UTSA. He is 18 going on 25, so to speak. I really do think he needs some brilliant minds to be around. </p>

<p>He is rather unusual in that he is absolutely brilliant in science (as in, writing a college-level essay on the controversies of Einstein's theories in 8th grade) and technology (as in, creating his own website, being a webmaster for the homeschool co-op, and fixing their computers, all in 9th grade, and now has a job selling and fixing computers) but, although reasonably good in math, does not LIKE math. When he attended the Engineering Honors Colloquium at UT Austin this past summer, he chose all science classes. Astrophysics, latest trends in technology, Nanotechnology...that kind of stuff. But, to enroll at UT in engineering, or even in their School of Natural Sciences for a computer science degree, he would be required to go heavy on the math classes. He's smart enough to do that if he had to, but he just isn't interested in math. He told me that he finds the human mind much more fascinating, and he is more interested in the concepts of cutting-edge science such as quantum physics and artificial intelligence, than he is in computing the mathematical formulae involved in space travel. Which is rather odd, since he's a total geek and very good at computer programming (something he's dabbled in on his own.) In fact, math seems to be the only thing he really seems to have a distaste for, so that will preclude him from pursuing engineering. He's now considering Linguistics and even Psychology. Also, Computational Linguistics is something he found out about recently, and it sounds intrigueing because it blends technology with linguistics and the study of the mind, all of which he is keenly interested in. Right now, he is really enjoying his German class as well as his English class, because 'poetry shows the heights to which the human spirit can soar' ...and he's a stunning writer. So he really doesn't know yet what his best niche might be. Also, as much as he loves science, he will NOT work for a petroleum company or the military, and they are 2 of the major employers of engineering graduates. So his convictions will play a big role in his choice of study. But he doesn't quite fit either the liberal arts or the engineering 'mold.'</p>

<p>He could definitely continue his job if he moved to Austin. But, not if he's going to school full-time. I recently found out that UT Austin requires full-time enrollment, and that threw a monkey-wrench into our plans. I had thought that since he'd be enrolling with nearly 40 hours, he could take a slightly lighter load and graduate in 3 years, or attend part-time and still graduate in 4 years at the same time he would have if he had started college at the normal time. I had envisioned him working part-time and going to school part-time. He can do that if he goes to UTSA, since they have no such requirement. He really loves his job and the independence of making his own $$. He'd have to give that up and go to school full-time if he goes to UT or to any other school.</p>

<p>So that is a major factor in favor of going to UTSA. But I feel torn - he can always go back to work later, but he might not always get a chance to have the full 'college experience.' Neither my hubby nor I had that - we both came from poor families and put ourselves thru cc only - so I can't really speak from experience. Which brings up another point - I don't want to push him into the 'college experience' because I missed it. I've just heard so many people speak so fondly of their college years - it sounds like a really cool thing and I'd like him to have the opportunity to experience it.</p>

<p>Yes, I know that some people work and go to school full-time. I did that myself and I'd rather my son not have to do that.</p>

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<p>Could he start attending at least some UTSA courses in the spring semester of this year, in order to gather more information about what that option would be like?</p>

<p>At least in our area, students who are matriculated at the local cc can cross-register into courses at nearby four-year colleges very easily. (And they still pay tuition at the cc rate, rather than at the 4-year-rate, because of their cross-registered status!)</p>

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<p>Yes, and he may do that. It will depend on whether his German prof (who used to teach at Berkeley and is now teaching the same level course at the cc, and is really awesome) offers the 4th semester of German, in which case he'll want to stay at the cc to take that class. If not, I think he will go to UTSA in the spring. (They are across town from each other so logistically, with his job, I think it would be too stressful to attend both.)</p>

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<p>He will find a greater number of scholarly people at UT; it is the flagship school. UT is not so far from San Antonio that he can't come home a few weekends if he needs the comfort of family, and if he's ready to move away from his old friends, then the distance will help. Like someone said above, colleges have programs to help students make the transition away from home. Have you looked at other schools like Rice or Trinity? What are his SAT's like?</p>

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<p>We've considered but ruled out Rice for various reasons (just not a good personality match). Trinity is very nice (but very expensive) and I do plan to get a tour lined up for him there, just for the experience. Maybe we should consider Trinity more seriously...</p>

<p>Overall, I really think UT is just perfect, and he thinks so too, except for the job/full-time issue. The job is new to him so I think he just can't quite see past it right now. I just want to let him decide for himself and I don't want to limit his options. I wonder, though, if maybe I am overwhelming him with TOO many options!</p>