abuse is a strong word, but i don't know what to do

Parents Forum
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<p>I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please find someone to confide in. Maybe there is a mental health clinic in your community?</p>

<p>It is hard for anyone to pass a judgement over the internet but I suspect your mom is the one in major need of the psychological help. You are the scapegoat-- dad passively goes along and sister is the golden child.</p>

<p>Try not to resent your sister; she didn't pick the 'golden child' role any more than you picked scapegoat, and she's just trying to survive this wackiness too. Some day, you may need her.</p>

<p>This is not your fault, and you don't have much power to change the situation. At worst, you will be off to college and a life of your own making very very soon; keep your eyes on that. </p>

<p>Good Luck.</p>

22

<p>I see a lot of my mother in yours, though not abusive - but she would conjure up things and blame me or dad. Reason did not work with her - she was all emotion and fanciful thinking. She was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic at an advanced age. The psychiatrist said counselling would not work for her. He put her on meds, and things were much, much better. Your dad needs to try to get her to go for help. I am not a doctor, but it could be that she could be helped. My parents were from eastern Europe, and didn't believe in psychiatrists or psychologists, either, until my mom was rushed to the hospital with symptoms of a stroke. Instead, she had a psychotic episode relative to stress, and had to relearn walking, etc. This prompted the psychiatric intervention. Talk to someone again. Perhaps the GC at this school would be more understanding than the other.</p>

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<p>I'm terribly sorry that you're going through this. I suspect your mother has serious issues of her own--and while it's nice to imagine your father could step in and rescue you both, that's far easier said than done. Boarding school does sound like a more appealing option than staying in this unfortunate situation.</p>

<p>Good luck, and please try to find someone you can talk to.</p>

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<p>ctymomteacher. I agree. TYG, you should be sensing an enormous degree of concern on all our parts. The question is, how are you doing in the face of what you are confronting? And the suggestion to go to boarding school in the US is a good one.</p>

25

<p>I was in a similar situation, but not as extreme/traumatic as yours. Here is my advice to you, and it worked pretty well for me too: stay away from her as much as possible.</p>

<p>It's that simple. Join all the clubs at school, get a part-time job. Leave home at 7:00 am, go to work at 3:00 pm, go to the library and do homework at 7:00 pm, go back home at 10:00 pm. That simple.</p>

<p>Also, how many years of school do you have left? You might also consider talking to a guidance counselor, if s/he's the friendly/caring type.</p>

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<p>tyg, if you cannot trust your GC, then you must find another adult who can assist you, ?someone from your church, ?a local free clinic. You cannot expect that they will not talk with your parents. You are a minor, so you can expect some discussion with your parents by any mental health professional. You cannot expect things to improve unless changes are made. But please get some help. We all care about you.</p>

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<p>Some discussion with parents.....she is a minor? Can you explain how being a minor excludes her from the client/patient privilege??</p>

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<p>hazmat, there is no requirement to reveal the discussions of the student with the parents. However, there is an obligation to remove a child from an abusive situation. This will generally require some inquiry into the home situation which the poster's parents will be involved in.</p>

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<p>thank you for all your responses.</p>

<p>my dad is in no way uninvolved in this--he is more of a scapegoat than i am. my mom sees enough of him in me to make me guilty by association. i am affected by it more than he is (for reasons of age, personality, habit, etc), and i think he may not realize how much. his parents got divorced when he was five, and he's reluctant to do the same. besides, all negotiation would take place across two continents (america and europe) and it'd be amazingly complicated. he says he used to hope it would get better, but it hasn't and he's not sure where to go with it.</p>

<p>and i know that conflict between mothers and daughters is to be expected, but there's a clear difference between how she treated me when i was 12 and how she treats my sister.</p>

<p>i've been trying to piece things together, partly from my own memory and partly from what my dad has said. as i understand it, for the past 15 years or more she's been essentially unhappy. if it's not dad it's her work, her colleagues, and so on. since she and dad work for the same employer, there is this perceived competition between them (dad says this is ridiculous) and she blames all her issues on that. e.g. her colleagues don't respect her because they think she's ruining her husband's career, she doesn't get the promotions she wants because her superiors are chauvinist bastards and only pay attention to him, she hates the place and wants to quit and feels that he betrays her when he doesn't agree to resign with her.
my only real crime is resembling my father.</p>

<p>the point about the counselor--she was using my parents against me as a way to blackmail me into things i didn't want to do. as i said, i almost failed a course because she kept taking me out of class to talk, and when i said i didn't want to go she said that in that case i didn't leave her any choice but to contact my mom. so i went, and i got a referral home saying that if i didn't get my grades up i would fail the class, and naturally i got into trouble. luckily this was in eighth grade and had no impact on my transcript. (i managed to pull the grade up to a b eventually.)</p>

<p>two years ago i was on the verge of suicide. i used to lean over railings in high places and imagine falling. i still have scars on my wrists from where i cut myself and picked the scabs. i'm nowhere near that anymore, and i think the main reason would be the friends i've made since then.</p>

<p>someone asked how all this has affected my daily life. i've built up a careful veneer of composure, but most of the time i feel like i might crack (i sometimes do). i don't neglect my schoolwork, partly because i genuinely enjoy learning, partly because despite what my mother might think, i'm desperately eager to please. also, this may sound corny, but when teachers devote their lives to sharing their knowledge with kids (who don't usually appreciate it) i feel that the least amount of respect we can give them is to take their work seriously. i have lovely friends, and for that i am eternally grateful, but i know that i sometimes stretch their patience further than is really comfortable. like when i get to school wound up and distraught after being yelled at in the car, ready to lash out at anyone who speaks to me (or cry in public, which is worse). and then i hate myself for hurting the only people who are always there for me. most others probably think i'm just naturally foul-tempered, but i feel like i'm permanently on edge, ready to be set off. </p>

<p>oh, and i flinch when people try to touch me. i don't know why that happens, because mom very rarely hurts me (she did hit my head against the wall, but that was five years ago, and only twice), but the mere idea of physical contact makes me uncomfortable. like, to the point of running from a boy who likes me in the middle of a slow dance and standing barefoot in the snow knowing he'll take it personally but still not being ready for warm hands on my waist, like that, right in front of everyone. even wanting to stay, but running because i panic.</p>

<p>sometimes when i'm about to sleep and mom is in one of her better moods she comes into my room, leans over me, and pins me to the mattress, stroking my face and hair. she knows i hate when she does that. she thinks my "problems" are something that'll disappear with practice.</p>

<p>and maybe they will, but only if it happens on my terms.</p>

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<p>I am responding to this post with the view that my children might be reading it.</p>

<p>I just want to say that there are two sides to every story.</p>

<p>From the way you described things, the attack on you by your mother was unprovoked. However, I do have a few questions.</p>

<p>Was it your responsibility to prepare lunch? Has your mother asked you before to prepare lunch? Was it possible that your mother was upset because she repeatedly asked you to make lunch, which you have chosen to ignore?</p>

<p>You said that you are the "rebellious" child, and that your sister is the "angel" in the family. You said that your sister is more cooperative than you are. Being cooperative does not make your sister a wimp, it makes her easy to live with.</p>

<p>Perhaps your mother is verbally abusive to you. But is it possible that you provoke her, and push her buttons until she loses it completely?</p>

<p>My family's dynamics are similar to yours. I have the "rebellious" child, and the "angel" child. I love both of them dearly. But I discipline my "rebellious" child a lot more than I discipline my "angel" child. That's because I am provoked far more often by my "rebellious" child than by my "angel" child.</p>

<p>May I respectfully say that children should look into the mirror before they accuse their parents of being "verbally abusive". Could it be possible that parents feel that their children are "verbally abusive" to them?</p>

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<p>Mommydearest:</p>

<p>Did you read thisyear'sgirl's post before posting your own? Kids who are gently, if firmly, disciplined are not suicidal.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Was it your responsibility to prepare lunch? Has your mother asked you before to prepare lunch? Was it possible that your mother was upset because she repeatedly asked you to make lunch, which you have chosen to ignore?

[/quote]

no, she hadn't. we had talked about it earlier in the week, but not concretely, and not that day. i'd helped out with cooking/dishes earlier, and our previous conversation had been along the lines of "why don't you make chili for lunch? oh, actually, we'll just have fish today, and you can do it later on." the topic hadn't been brought up again, then this morning it was all "WHY AREN'T YOU DOING THIS!?!?!?!" "um, maybe if you'd told me, i would've KNOWN to do it..."</p>

<p>i appreciate your concerns, but i don't believe that fits of rage, lasting several hours and including threats of violence ("kids like you don't need therapy; they need a proper beating") should be part of a responsible parent's repertoire. i use "rebellious" with some irony--i'm a top student at a demanding school; i never get into trouble; i don't have "questionable" friends; i don't stay out at night; i've never been drunk or high; i don't have sleazy boyfriends (come to think of it, i don't have any boyfriends); i'm quiet and withdrawn; and i'm polite to anyone who treats me with civility. if people are nice to me i'll be as docile as any "angel".</p>

<p>my sister is a lovely person, but she does have a habit of letting people walk all over her. i, on the other hand, only treat people with respect if they return the favor.</p>

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<p>This is why I asked the question about self-destructive behaviour. When it's regular rebellion, to echo Marite, kids don't hurt themselves like this. All I can say over at this arm's length TYG is that your instincts seem sound. You don't seem to have been erased by this.</p>

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<p>alumother: this is off-topic, but congrats on your 1000th post! :)</p>

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<p>Nothing I would rather spend it on than supporting you TYG. And it's not only my fondness for Elvis Costello. If in the midst of your struggles you can still take time to congratulate a mom well that speaks volumes, huh?</p>

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<p>I too am so sorry for what you must endure.
Here is my take on this situation. You mother is stuck in a pattern of behavior for how she reacts to frustration. She thinks her behavior is acceptable because this is something SHE has grown up with and been exposed to.You need to GENTLY show her that this behavior upsets you, that what you were doing was just normal teenage behavior, and let her know, but not in a condescending way, that her reaction to normal behavior is not acceptable. You could try this by talking to her about it when she is not upset.You could try to sympathic to her and ask her about how she grew up and what she was exposed to.Sometimes parents are simply tired of their responsibilities and too inclined to take it out on their kids or expect too much of them. What you need to let you mom know is that you love her, you really do, but this behavior to normal teen activity is upstting and disruptive and may cause great harm to your mother/daughter relationship.</p>

<p>Or, you could give your mom more space.Find a little job, visit friends, be more active.Find out what she wants and try to comply.Good luck to you and go to your school councelor if you get really scared.( but really try to talk to her about it first)</p>

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<p>ThisYearsGirl, </p>

<p>This post assumes that what you have told us is true, and that you haven't exaggerated the events. If so, I have some suggestions - </p>

<p>I agree that your top priority should be to Get Out of Town!</p>

<p>Your mother has the power in this situation, so unless you were to be successful at suing her for psychological pain and suffering, getting her arrested for abuse, or getting a court injunction (which could not be enforced) you really have few alternatives. If her primary defense for her outrageous behavior is that it's "everyone else's fault," it indicates she would probably not be willing to go to family therapy or do anything constructive - why should she change, it's all these defective people around her who are the problem!</p>

<p>In sum, your home environment is T-O-X-I-C. Go to boarding school if you can, and then make SURE you select a college far far away from her - it can be in the US if you like, as long as it is far enough away from home and public transportation to make it difficult for you to return home frequently. After a year or two, you can get internships/jobs away from home, and hardly ever see her.</p>

<p>Your father's behavior is very disappointing, and it must be frightening that he has, so to speak "abandoned you to the wolf." Sounds as if he is stuck in a defensive strategy of giving in for the sake of peace, which usually is associated with a poor self-image and a victim attitude (the payoff is often reinforcement of the 'I am a good person, I am above this conflict' beliefs). If he weren't trapped in a prison of his own making, he would be able to help you, instead of commiserating with you as a fellow victim of browbeating and intimidation. Look at the situation clearly - you may love him very much, but he has let you down in a big, big way.</p>

<p>The fact that you have considered suicide shows that the cumulative effect of your mother's hostility and your father's habitual ineffective response is reaching critical proportions. Please, please get help - not at your school, get a private counselor - to support you emotionally until you can leave!</p>

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<p>Take advantage of being "stranded" in Sweden! Swedes take a VERY dim view of child abuse of any kind -- have you considered seeking help there? Their standards are much tougher than in this country -- what you are describing her doing to you is flat-out illegal in Scandinavia.
How odd that she claims that you are not Swedish enough! I think she's the one who could stand to be more Svensk in her child-rearing philosophies.</p>

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<p>she's back from an overnight excursion off the island and she's in a better mood. these are the times i almost feel that if she could let go of her grudges and control her temper then things could be fine. not wonderful, because i think we're far past that, but fine. that is why i am reluctant to take further, more significant steps. because a lot of the time it's that close to being very precariously 'okay'. </p>

<p>and then i feel guilty for ever thinking otherwise.</p>

<p>the real problem is the explosivity, and the temper, and the way that any conversation can turn into an argument.</p>

<p>by the way, "not swedish enough" means not wanting to go to swedish university, and not being especially interested in moving there after i graduate from an american one. i've lived in stockholm for a total of four years, one of which was as a baby, and i'm supposed to see it as my home but i don't really.</p>

<p>i'm very isolated at this point, because the island i'm on is only accessible by boat and almost all amenities are on the mainland (we don't have running water, but strangely there is wireless internet). i'll see what i can do when i'm back in dc; right now i am researching personality disorders and biding my time.</p>

<p>thank you all, again, for the advice.</p>

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<p>Her explosive temper and the verbal attacks are an effective way of controlling you....and others. Your feelings of guilt are not productive. If you feel guilty when you have fleeting thoughts/feelings about the reality of your circumstance and her behavior it will make your actions to protect yourself less likely. Try to see things for what they are....abusive.....and yet be thankful for the less turbulent days. The good days do not mediate the abuse....it is a cycle.</p>