Abusive mother- please help

Parents Forum
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<p>I have a problem in my family life. Here is my issue:
My mother has always been harsh with me. Whenever something goes wrong in her life (argument with my dad, made a mistake, traffic ticket), she puts the blames on me. During high school, she would always criticize my friends and discouraged me from hanging out with my peers. Sometimes it seems like she is interested in my academic goals-- she would ask, "How was your day at school" but when I proceed, she would interrupt and tell me in a very angry voice that my hair was a mess or that I needed to know how to dress more fashionably. Recently, she started saying bad things about one of my friends, such that he was a nerdy "good-for-nothing" and I started defending him, whereupon she flew into a rage, saying that I probably was going out with this guy else I wouldn't be so quick to defend him. My dad told her to quiet down, and then she started saying how I was such a bad person because he always takes my side and makes me think that my behavior is okay. Anyways, my dad, wanting to side with her, then orders me to get out of the house. </p>

<p>My mother used to beat me physically when I was a child, but since I've grown older she has stopped doing so. She used to tell me that all parents beat their kids and that I deserved what I got. </p>

<p>Recently, she was diagnosed with cancer. I graduated early from college to take care of her. Much as I love her and want to help around the house, she is still making life at home hard for me. She continuously puts me down. I have a close friend from high school who is back in the area, and one week I stayed over with him and his parents since my mother was being very violent. Since then she has concluded that I must be sleeping with him or planning to be married to him. </p>

<p>I actually tried to overdose on drugs last year and ended up at the hospital. I attempted the overdose due to a comment my mother made. She said I was "too ambitious for trying to get into medical school and to stop dreaming" and it made me feel like all my hard work and passion in academics was for nothing. When I returned home for summer break, she told me that if I were to commit suicide, I should do it far away from her house. </p>

<p>I've always tried to be the best daughter I could for the family. I was a star student in high school and was able to graduate early from a top15 college with a major and two minors. However, my mom scoffs at these and says "You're just a nerd." She continually puts me down and always talks negatively about my dad to him. Once she even said, "I don't know why your dad cares so much about you." </p>

<p>On the other hand, she favors my brother greatly and would never think badly of him and is quick to defend him (copying other people's homework, not helping around the house, etc). For all I do -- cooking the meals, doing the dishes, doing the yardwork, laundry, vacuuming, and now getting a part-time job to pay for my medical school apps-- she keeps telling my dad that I'm good for nothing and am treating "her house like a hotel." </p>

<p>Is this normal behavior for a mother? Why is my mother like this towards me? Could it be that my dad agreed to pay for my $50,000/year worth of college tuition (my family can't qualify for FA)? I really don't understand. My best friend's parents are really nice to their kids, but I don't know enough parents to know what normal parental behavior is like. My mother always makes me think that other parents treat their children harshly as well. </p>

<p>As I said, I just graduated from college and am in my early 20's.
And sometimes when I'm on CC and see all these parents who care to ask questions about college for their kids, I feel alone and confused.
I would really appreciate some words of advice or comfort. Some days I'm just so depressed and can't concentrate. I'm also continuously worried about her health, unlike my brother who never calls home. Yet my mother likes my brother more.
How does one move beyond this abuse? Is it possible to live a normal life without anger? I'm afraid I'm going to become abusive myself one day to my own kids or to my significant other.</p>

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<p>If you have access to mental health coverage, I would recommend that.</p>

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<p>Shrinkrap, what do you mean by this?</p>

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<p>I mean I think its better to get professional help, than it is to get help from anonymous strangers on the internet.</p>

5

<p>Dear Window,</p>

<p>I believe shrinkrap means that you need to speak with a mental health professional to help you with these feelings.</p>

<p>This is not normal. I am 47 years old and the mother of a 19 yr son in college and 15 year old daughter in high school. </p>

<p>I have had a similar upbringing by my mother. Nothing was ever good enough for her. She divorced my dad when I was 13. I worked very hard in high school to get good grades…She wanted me to be a secretary like her. My school counselors encouraged me to go to college. I searched for every scholarship I could get (before the internet)…</p>

<p>I graduated from high school and college with honors and married right after college graduation. I waited 7 years to have my kids after I got married to make sure I was mature enough to handle it b/c I was afraid to do to them what she did to me…</p>

<p>I’ll put more in another message, but I wanted to post this right away in case you are still online. There is hope for you!!</p>

<p>Google narcissistic personality disorder. In the last few years I discovered that’s my mom to a T… </p>

<p>You don’t have to be like her. You can make changes. You are NOT worthless. You are a child of God and He loves you!</p>

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<p>All I can tell you is that it’s definitely not normal. I would personally get far, far away from this woman, and stop letting her ruin your life. She won’t have much to complain about since she obviously doesn’t believe you’re doing her much good. But then again, my life is very different from yours.</p>

7

<p>You know, sometimes mothers identify with their daughters and dump on them. They may feel like THEY (meaning the mom) never accomplished anything and feel angry at their daughters for their accomplishments or they may feel like their daughters MUST accomplish stuff so they don’t commit the same mistakes mom made. In other words, your mother has issues that have nothing to do with you and she has taken them out on you. You are an adult now but you can’t move forward until you understand a bit of those dynamics so you can really accept that it isn’t about you. You need to see a counselor. There is nothing shameful about that. Lots of people do have families with issues and lots of people (adults/ parents) have mental health issues. Your mom is unstable and you can’t spend your life chasing her approval but as long as you feel that you must get her approval, you will beat yourself up. So I will suggest 2 things:</p>

<p>1- Write a list of positive things about yourself (whether they’re qualities you like, things you’ve accomplished, etc) and read it whenever you feel unworthy.</p>

<p>2- Make an appt with a counselor and keep going until you can get away from your mom emotionally.</p>

<p>Oh, and one more-- get a book (I think from the 1980s) called Toxic Parents. Your library should have it. Read that.</p>

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<p>By the way, I didn’t mean to imply that you have psych problems. It sounds to me like your mom may. The only reason you should go to a counselor is to get some perspective on things so you can see that abuse for what it is-- so you’re not stuck in the past.</p>

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<p>I think you know the answer to this question or you wouldn’t be posting here to begin with.</p>

<p>It sounds like you are an awesome person to have gotten as far as you have, with your successes, even with a mother who is both verbally and (in the past) physically abusive. If left to your own devices, you will probably eventually come to realize this, but it will take you years, if not decades, and it will impact all of your relationships in the meantime. You can “jump start” this process by talking to a mental health professional, as shrinkrap suggests. A psychologist or psychiatrist or social worker will help you remember the things your mother has done – both the bad as well as the good – and help you understand things faster. </p>

<p>It is very hard for children of an abusive parent to understand that most of what the parent did was not their fault and that it was completely inappropriate and unreasonable. Children who have been the subject of abuse have internalized the parent’s message – that they’re 'bad" in some way – and believing that will adversely impact you. You need to talk to someone so you can examine your beliefs in the light of day and decide, as an adult, what’s true and what’s not.</p>

<p>Good luck to you, and please keep us posted.</p>

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<p>I sent you a PM.</p>

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<p>“How does one move beyond this abuse? Is it possible to live a normal life without anger? I’m afraid I’m going to become abusive myself one day to my own kids or to my significant other.”</p>

<p>It is possible to move beyond this. I have friends who grew up in similar environments who moved beyond the abuse.</p>

<p>From what I’ve seen, however, typically the person has to separate themselves from their abusive parent for at least a while – sometimes permanently – in order to give themselves a chance to heal from the abuse. </p>

<p>Mental health treatment or participation in a support group also can help greatly as can reading some of the many excellent books for adults who are abuse survivors.</p>

<p>National domestic abuse hotline, which may be able to provide a referral to help in your area: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) </p>

<p>Google “survivors” “domestic abuse” “parents” and you’ll find on-line groups and many other resources that could help you.</p>

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<p>This is not a healthy environment for you. I hope that you can get out of the house and move on with your life. I agree with the above posters that counseling would benefit you because your self-worth is impacted terribly by your mother’s behavior. We all love our parents no matter how awful they are; sometimes it takes a long time to figure out that the problem is not you.</p>

<p>My mother neglected us and to answer the question about you being destined to repeat the process: it doesn’t have to happen. I think that I went the other way (can you hear my helicopter rotors?). Iwish you the best.</p>

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<p>Read post #2 again, very carefully. Shrinkrap has said all that there is to say on this matter. CC is not the correct place for you to seek counsel on how best to address these issues.</p>

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<p>There’s a couple of books by Susan Forward that are short and helpful: “Toxic Parents” and “Emotional Blackmail.” You don’t have to be pushed into either/or choices as in “I have to love and support my mother no matter what” or “I have to give up my family completely.” There’s lots of middle ground where you can love and support your family and not be a doormat. </p>

<p>Forward is excellent in laying out the patterns where you can hang onto your sanity, have some boundaries, and have some perspective of what is your responsibility and what is not. </p>

<p>You are aware through CC and seeing the world that there are other patterns of living. That’s a great first step. Next you have to GET to another pattern of living – and Shrinkrap is right. You need some professional help to get there. You may flounder around a bit. You need the right help at the right price. You can start with the free help available in the phone book. Use your educational training to research what is out there and what will be helpful to you.</p>

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<p>Window - I agree with getting some counseling. I had an abusive father and what I learned in psychotherapy and in life generally is that sometimes abused people can end up “abusing” themselves. I mean that they internalize the abusive parent’s perspective and then tend to be very hard on themselves. Some psychotherapy and distance and time can help with that. Best wishes.</p>

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<p>Window
I am so sorry. I think we have the same mother. </p>

<p>I am now a mom myself and more than ever, I don’t understand. Some moms just are not capable of loving their children. I wish I knew why. Maybe they are jealous? Resentful? or just plain mean.</p>

<p>So here is the thing. YOU are an amazing person. Find someone to help you understand that - and REALLY believe it. It took me 49 years to be able to tell my mother that I felt sorry for her. I wish I had had help sooner. It would have saved many, many tears. </p>

<p>Hang in there. Best wishes. You are in my thoughts and prayers.</p>

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<p>I too am so sorry that you have gone through all of this. Your mothers behavior is not normal and it is important that you investigate therapy so that you can learn the skills you need to have to either live with your mom or to live without her. </p>

<p>You sound like such a wonderful daughter and a very good person…I hope you will continue to follow your educational goals after you regain your strength from the abuse of your mother.</p>

<p>You will be in my thoughts and my prayers…many blessings to you</p>

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<p>I’ll add a strong endorsement of “Toxic Parents”.</p>

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<p>Window (Intials: AWOL…which may not be such a bad idea while get sorted out):</p>

<p>We are not being harsh when we say that you need more help than you can get from internet strangers. </p>

<p>Please see a mental health professional, or more than on if the first one you try doesn’t click. Your mother and your situation have done you harm. You have already considered/tried suicide. You need help right away.</p>

<p>That said, I am sure that many here would like to provide support to you as you address these issues if you would find that comforting or helpful.</p>

<p>But, bottom line: **No this is not normal. Harm has been done to you. You need to get some help right away **before the results are worse.</p>

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<p>It’s not normal at all. :frowning: </p>

<p>You need to get away from your mother. Do you have a job? Get one, save your money, and get your own place far away from your mother. No doubt she will try to make you feel guilty about this, but really . . . she will keep abusing you as long as you stay there. And she IS abusing you. She is causing you emotional harm, which can be just as bad or worse than physical harm.</p>

<p>Going to a counselor is also a good idea, to sort out your feelings and reach peace.</p>