<p>"As a young girl growing up, I have many memories of the walls of the homes that my parents and I lived in-- memories of running my hands along the bumpy paint jobs, of laughter in those four walls and of quiet times when my mother sat on my father's lap and smiled as we all sat gazing at the television. I also have memories of my mother sweet one moment, upset the next, screaming for me, as I hid in her closet as I heard my siblings crying as she hit them for some offense or another. I knew that, although I had no hand in the altercation or what had "gone wrong" in the other room, I was on the list for punishment. So I hid. I remember the fear, vividly, as I sit here typing out this memory. I remember the sting of the duster hitting me after I had come out, and of sitting beneath the kitchen counter crying as my oldest sibling gazed at me with a stoney look in her eye. Just another day in paradise. ..."</p>
<p>Nice to do this.....helpful and reinforcing. The book by Forward is excellent. Soooo many kids suffer in these environments, feel helpless, shamed and then have difficulty for many years. Nice post.</p>
<p>Many many of us grew up in homes just like this. And many authors have used these experiences to write great books. TYG, remember YOUR strengths. What truly saved me was going away to college if it was only an hour's drive. The time will come and you'll be free too. Try your best to keep your sense of self intact until then. If she ever physically abuses you or your siblings again, get the heck out of there.</p>
<p>i've thought about this more trying to figure out a plan. i can't do much from here, but i'll contact a therapist (or other mental health professional) when i get home. that'll be mainly for myself, but hopefully i or someone else can convince her to make an appointment in case a diagnosis needs to be made. i will try to get my dad's support in this (he has generally been indifferent but unenthusiastic). if things don't get better i'll apply to boarding schools--that'll be as a last resort, because i don't think it's a good idea to move with only one year left of high school, especially since the ib diploma is a two year program. since my mom works full-time there'll be less time for confrontation during the upcoming school year. it's not ideal, but i've managed to get through the past 15 years without being completely destroyed. and i'm stronger now. one or two more can't kill me.</p>
<p>i would never pretend to have endured what you seem to be going through now....i'm so sorry this is happening to you.
ours was a similar family dynamic but not nearly as bad, i wouldn't think. no violence or anything. even seemingly innocuous problems though can lead to potentially devastating complexes and stuff though, that's true. i had a bad eating disorder for some years which i'd attribute in part to this sort of situation at home. don't feel as though you're not "entitled" to your feelings. and really, boarding school may not be so bad. Distance seems to help the most...at least it would have for me. Lets things cool off a bit, anger subside for a little while. a chance also to reinvent yourself.
funny thing is my mother grew up in a very, very similar environment too, but much worse.</p>
<p>Very good plan to get yourself some therapeutic support asap. You can find out at the start how much your therapist will/will not share with your parents, but you should be able to find a psychologist who will respect your confidentiality. </p>
<p>As to boarding schools, while the most elite schools may well be full at this point, I wonder if there might be schools where you could pursue IB and be safe that could have students with changes of plans or still have openings for you this September. There are school consultants your dad could hire who would have this info and might be able to help you even at the last minute. </p>
<p>You are describing abuse, and your emotional reactions sound like the reactions of someone who has been abused. It is not your fault. The situation you are describing is not a reaction to you being provocative or to something you did or something that is wrong with you. This is NOT your fault.</p>
<p>You should know that if you are ever in fear that the situation will get physical again, you can call 911, or even better, call the operator and ask for the child abuse hotline to get help and protection immediately. This is not a mean or bad thing to do to your mother; sometimes it helps an out of control abuser to know that there are limits and that their behavior will be controlled by outsiders if they're unable to control themselves.</p>
<p>Please, please find yourself a therapist you can talk to and then let us know that you're getting help for yourself.</p>
<p>Thisyearsgirl,
I've been thinking about how passive your dad has been about your mom's behavior. Is there any chance that he grew up with a similar mom or had a mom who was uninvolved? </p>
<p>I was talking recently with a young man who told me that his fiancee does things like scream at him and hit him. He somehow saw that as a sign of love because it seems that he grew up with lots of siblings and was totally ignored by his mom. He views his fiancee's dysfunctional behavior as meaning she cares about him.</p>
<p>I've seen similar things from people who grew up with violent families and simply think that's the way that people act. They also may have such frozen emotions themselves (due to stuffing their emotions when they were scared, helpless kids) that they don't act appropriately when a spouse acts bizarrely.</p>
<p>I'm not saying these things to excuse your dad's behavior, just to suggest some possibilities that might be a comfort to you if you're thinking that he doesn't care about you or you are fearing that his passive reaction means that something is wrong with you for thinking your mom's behavior as dysfunctional.</p>
<p>tkdgal: no, my mother doesn't post on cc (or lurk in the background, for that matter). typing in lowercase and using an excess of adverbs and parentheses is only sloppy writing; it increases in direct proportion with the subjectivity of the post. it's a bit of an idiosyncracy. sorry about the confusion!</p>
<p>northstarmom: it's interesting that you say that, because my dad does come from a very broken up family, but his dad was absent much more than his mother. his parents divorced when he was five (his brother was two) and he lived with his mother and her 'boyfriend' during childhood and adolescence. during vacations he was sent off to live with his grandmother. i don't know when he saw his father, but it can't have been much. (his father remarried and had two daughters, and last year took advantage of some legal technicalities to effectively disinherit his two sons. he hadn't planned to tell them, but my uncle found out accidentally. they are no longer on speaking terms.) since my dad moved out, his mother dumped her boyfriend (i guess he was supposed to be a father figure, but i don't think he and dad were close) and went through some others in quick succession before finally settling down with one of them.</p>
<p>my dad knows that my mother's behavior is unhealthy, but he seems to think that breaking up the family only leads to more trouble. i think his own experience has definitely influenced that.</p>
<p>my mom, on the other hand, grew up in a happy, loving family in a southern swedish town. i've never met my grandfather (he died a few months before i was born) but my grandmother was one of the most wonderful people i've met. she died in late 2004. in a way, i think my mom is struggling because she had this idealized view of marriage--one that wasn't supposed to include moving every few years, or struggling to find employment for not only one, but two highly qualified diplomats in the same place, or always going on business trips, or living far away from everything you've always known, or finding out that you and your husband aren't always going to agree about everything. the problem is, i don't think she's ever been able to move past the initial disappointment to be able to add "...and that's okay, because we'll make it work". marriage isn't always going to be roses and butterflies, but you have to deal with the disappointments when they come and then move on instead of adding that to the list of "why [my dad's name] ruined my life". </p>
<p>i may be completely off-target with this, but it's the only rational explanation i can think of.</p>
<p>What you say is possible, particularly about your dad. From how you describe her actions, your mom's behavior to me seems to reflect more than adjustment difficulties.</p>
<p>There's a chance, however, that your mom is suffering from an illlness like being bipolar, something that, unfortunately, often goes undiagnosed throughout people's lives. When they aren't raging, manic or depressed, they can act just like pleasant, rational, healthy people. They also aren't likely to voluntarily admit to themselves or to a doctor or therapist the extent of their out of control behavior unless they are desperate (such as if they are facing an illness-caused loss of family, legal problems or they are experiencing severe depression).</p>
<p>Anyway, whatever the cause of your parents' behavior, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it. You can, though, use counseling and other options including going away to boarding school and/or going far away to college so that you can create a nice life for yourself.</p>