abuse is a strong word, but i don't know what to do

Parents Forum
1

<p>this morning, my mother came into the room where i was reading and said "why haven't you started making lunch yet?" i replied, "i didn't know i was supposed to; it would've helped if you had told me". she verbally abused me while i chopped the onions, telling me i was lazy, useless, and selfish, and that i "need a proper beating". finally, she threw me out for listening to my ipod when i couldn't take the insults anymore and wanted to block out her voice.</p>

<p>she verbally attacks me on a constant basis, and has threatened to hit me several times (she doesn't usually). she hates me because i remind her of my father, whom she blames for all the misery in her life, but refuses to divorce. she goes into these rages where all she does is scream at me and my dad. she goes on for hours and just never stops. even when no one replies (we usually don't because honestly what do you say?) she rants and monologues and repeats herself and oh god she never shuts up. sometimes she attacks dad physically, never when i'm there but i can hear the sounds and in the morning i can see the places where her nails have cut him.</p>

<p>i have a sister. she's 12. she's prettier than me, and thinner (and at 5'6, 120 lbs, i'm not exactly fat). she's submissive and eager to please. mom loves her.
i'm the rebellious daughter, the one who talks back, who doesn't let people get close to her. the bad one.
and the clever one, though i don't know what good that's ever done me.</p>

<p>she says she is sending me away to a swedish high school, a residential one. she says i'm too messed up to stay, and conversely, that our family is too messed up for me to be in. i don't know if that's just an empty threat, like the time she told dad she was going to kill herself and that i'd find her body in the morning (she thought i was asleep) or all the times she's said she's leaving. i don't know what happens if it's true. i'm going to be a junior. i'm supposed to be starting the ib.</p>

<p>she says i have "problems", but refuses to let me see a therapist. she thinks she can discipline me into submission. the truth is that i'll do pretty much anything for people if they just ask me nicely. maybe what i really need is kindness, but it's probably too late for that.</p>

<p>she says i made up a bad childhood just to make myself more interesting. i didn't make up the times she shook me by the shoulders, hitting my head against the wall. (i was 10, maybe 11.) i think i'd rather be boring.</p>

<p>i'm sorry for ranting; i'm just tired. i don't know what to do and i don't have anyone to talk to. i don't know if i'm even justified in asking for help. i'm white and middle-class. i go to private school. my parents drive volvos. we live in a nice neighborhood. (nevermind that the house isn't ours, and that i attend my school on scholarship, and that none of this is even real.) other people have it far worse. i don't feel as if i'm abused enough to be as messed up as i am. (is this abuse?)</p>

<p>this isn't working anymore and i just don't know what to do.</p>

2

<p>I'm sorry you are having such a very bad time. It's okay to vent, even though there is little stranger can do to help.
you do not sound rebellious to me, just a very normal (though very bright and aritculate) teenager dealing with a very difficult situation.
Where is your Dad in all that? Why is he not protecting you? Why is he not trying to get help for your mom who clearly needs it? If he cannot step up, are there other adults in your life (teacher, GC, relative) who could help you and persuade your mom to seek help for herself?
Good luc. I wish we could do more to help.</p>

3

<p>thisyearsgirl - I am also sorry. You are an articulate presence on the forum. When these kinds of issues are raised by kids here all we parents can do is urge you to find help from a rational, intelligent, unbiased adult in your area. Whether this is or isn't abuse we can't answer. But someone, a teacher or counselor, should be able to help you understand your situation and offer guidance and support. Do you have such a person you can identify?</p>

4

<p>You know, if your mother is suggesting boarding school (even in anger), and you two are caught in an escalating spiral of mutual anger and resentment, a boarding school might be a good thing. </p>

<p>My D and I were not at this point when she left for boarding school, but we certainly argued much less after she went away to school; it allowed us to connect again, and way more successfully.</p>

5

<p>"rebellious" means that i won't apologize for things that i'm not sorry for, that i have a sarcastic sense of humor, and that i'm not religious. i also occasionally wear eyeliner.</p>

<p>my dad deals with the problem by ignoring her until she goes away, or by trying to be reasonable (unsuccessfully). we've talked about it some, and we agree that it's a hopeless situation, but i don't think he wants to make a drastic change unless he's absolutely forced to. i don't think she is receptive to the idea of seeking help--in her eyes, the problem is my father's and to a lesser degree mine. (because we're awful people.)</p>

<p>when i was in middle school my english teacher took me in and let me talk to her. i guess she was a sort of confidante. after a while she started feeling overwhelmed and sent me to the counselor, whom i saw a few times but decided was untrustworthy (she took me out of enough phys ed classes to nearly fail the course; when i said "but what if i don't come?" she threatened to call my parents). i've been reluctant to involve anyone else; it's not their problem to deal with.</p>

<p>the problem with the boarding school idea is that i'd have to move to sweden. i've lived in the united states for four years now, and i've been happier here than i ever was in stockholm. i like my school, and i have friends. i've already attended six different schools; i don't know if i'm ready for a seventh.</p>

<p>thank you for your thoughtful replies.</p>

6

<p>Would your Dad consider sending you to a psychiatrist? There are some who are used to dealing almost exclusively with high school and college students. It would certainly be cheaper than sending you to boarding school. The psychiatrist, being paid to listen to you, would not feel it was an imposition on his/her time, and it would not interfere with your school schedule. It would help you to be able to go into morer specifics than you can comfortably do on a chatboard. </p>

<p>
[quote]
"rebellious" means that i won't apologize for things that i'm not sorry for, that i have a sarcastic sense of humor, and that i'm not religious. i also occasionally wear eyeliner.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>That sounds like a lot of 15-year old girls I know and the 15 year old I was once. Maybe your mom has trouble dealing with that aspect of growing up.</p>

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<p>i've asked my dad about seeing a therapist/psychiatrist, but he's never seemed enthusiastic about the idea. he thinks that people should be able to handle their own problems, and while i agree with that sentiment, it's obvious that it's not going to get better. </p>

<p>i've been thinking about getting a job when i turn 16 in the fall, and maybe i could work something out with the money. it may be a silly or unreasonable idea, but i'm willing to try it.</p>

8

<p>I don't know where you live but many cities have free or income related counseling centers.....where you could go without your folks being involved. Is there a women's shelter in your area....i would check there for resources. It sounds as if your self concept is affected by your parent's actions whether it is "abuse" or not. I'd say that is does sound like abuse. Whether she physically hits you is not the determining factor. Verbal and mental abuse are damaging also as you can atest to. You need an advocate, someone to help you vent and rebuild your self concept......put the problems your mother has into a validated conversation.....perhaps not something you can do with your dad. I hope you reach out and find some adult with credentials to talk to.....this is a bad situation. As for boarding school.....at this point you would be looking for your senior year and why do you perceive out of the US as your only option? There are many fine boading schools in the US and you can look into them yourself. boardingschoolreview.com</p>

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<p>It's not a matter of being able to handle their own problems; your Dad does not seem to do a good job of it, in my opinion. It's having a sympathetic, non-judgmental, but detached pair of ears in which to pour your woes. Sometimes, kids are far more willing to confide to a non-involved adult than to their own parents or even teachers or GCs. If you can manage it, it's worth a try.</p>

10

<p>
[quote]
why do you perceive out of the US as your only option?

[/quote]

i don't; my mother does. i've spent most of my life abroad, and apparently i'm not swedish enough.</p>

<p>i'm on vacation at the moment, but i'll try to get in touch with someone when i get back home.</p>

<p>thank you for your support.</p>

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<p>Take the responsibility of looking into US schools yourself. IF that is an option....hop on it. You would only need to take the SSAT and apply. I am sure can will find many schools that you would love. Forget where you have lived in the past.......make a plan for your future. Your biggest problem at this time is to resist feeling badly about yourself......pleasing others and no support. Hang in there. </p>

<p>Do some research on narcissism: # A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.</p>

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<p>thisyearsgirl, yes you are being abused. Both verbally and physically. Anyone who would shake a child until their head hits the wall is an abuser. Your mother is mentally ill and you are the victim. Your father is an enabler of this very sick situation. As a health professional, I have some very specific advice: Print out your posting on this forum. Take it to your school and give it to your counselor. Today. Tell him/her that you need help to get out of this situation. Please don't wait.</p>

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<p>hazmat: i don't think narcissism is the problem, because she doesn't seem interested in self-glorification, only in blame. maybe it's some sort of transference--she's decided that everything bad in her life must be dad's fault, and i'm guilty by association (we have similar personalities and mannerisms).</p>

<p>quiltguru: i can't talk to my counselor, because she's untrustworthy (obviously i can't come with something like this to someone who threatens to tell my parents every time i disagree with her), but i will contact a mental health professional of some sort as soon as i'm back in dc (i'm currently on a small swedish island with no one to tell).</p>

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<p>is more than self agrandisement.....much more. You need to read a bit further and see how folks with the personality disorder rage and control those who live with them. Remember that the core of this is a lack of self esteem and that the behavior is maladaptive.....your mom seems to fit this. This pd can be a part of other diagnoses also. Your dad's reaction to your mom kinda fits this too. You need to get some help for yourself and I am sure you wll. Good luck.</p>

15

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[quote]
The narcissist is not attuned exclusively to his needs. On the contrary: he ignores them because many of them conflict with his ostensible omnipotence and omniscience. He does not put himself first – he puts his self last. He caters to the needs and wishes of everyone around him – because he craves their love and admiration. It is through their reactions that he acquires a sense of distinct self. In many ways he annuls himself – only to re-invent himself through the look of others. He is the person most insensitive to his true needs.</p>

<p>(...)</p>

<p>Why should people indulge the narcissist? And what is the "evolutionary", survival value of preferring one kind of love (directed at an image) to another (directed at one's self)?</p>

<p>These questions torment the narcissist. His convoluted mind comes up with the most elaborate contraptions in lieu of answers.</p>

<p>Why should people indulge the narcissist, divert time and energy, give him attention, love and adulation? The narcissist's answer is simple: because he is entitled to it. He feels that he deserves whatever he succeeds to extract from others and much more. Actually, he feels betrayed, discriminated against and underprivileged because he believes that he is not being treated fairly, that he should get more than he does.

[/quote]

...which does seem to make sense. she tries incredibly hard to please people then rages at them when she doesn't feel appreciated. i'm not sure about the following, though:

[quote]
There is a discrepancy between his infinite certainty that his is a special status which renders him worthy of recurrent praise and adoration, replete with special benefits and prerogatives – and the actual state of his affairs. To the narcissist, this status of uniqueness is bestowed upon him not by virtue of his achievements, but merely because he exists.

[/quote]

but it's possible.

[quote]
The narcissist blames others for his behaviour, accuses them of provoking him into his temper tantrums and believes firmly that "they" should be punished for their "misbehaviour". Apologies – unless accompanied by verbal or other humiliation – are not enough. The fuel of the narcissist's rage is spent mainly on vitriolic verbal send-offs directed at the (often imaginary) perpetrator of the (oft innocuous) offence.

[/quote]

yes yes yes.</p>

<p>some of this does seem applicable. i'll probably do some more research later.</p>

16

<p>If you are being abused (and from your description, it sounds like you are being abused), going to boarding school might be a good way for you to improve your quality of life. You'd probably be in a more supportive environment and would have access to counseling.</p>

<p>I also suggest that you talk to your dad or to another caring relative about having your mom evaluated by a physician. In addition to the problems others have mentioned, your mom could have an undiagnosed, treatable illness such as being bi-polar, a disease that can cause the kind of behavior that you describe. If she's bi-polar and is willing to get treatment, medication can make a big difference in her behavior. She also could have other treatable illnesses that cause erratic behavior and mood swings.</p>

17

<p>What you will realize when you research some more is that personality disorders are not easily fixed. Not because then cannot be but rather the lack of motivation and desire of the patient. Keep reading and maybe you will be more able to see that you have some choices when dealing with your mother's inappropriate behavior....and your dad's lack of assertiveness. You parents are in their own little world and neither one is taking responsibility for your mental/emotional health. You are a separate person from your folks and you can move beyond this.</p>

18

<p>But just remember, we are only hearing one data point. Lots of moms and daughters have these kinds of issues. The spectrum is very wide. I don't mean to question your veracity TYG, just to point out that these identified conditions may or may not apply. Rather than talk about your mom, I would be more interested in the impact this has on you and how you are doing. Has this had an impact on your school performance? Your relationships at school? I hope for example you show no self-destructive symptoms, eating disorders, etc. How are you doing?</p>

19

<p>You mom could have a biological problem and a personaltiy disorder.<br>
Both are possible and probable. Sometimes the evaluation is done by a PsyD or PhD not a physician....just to let you know.</p>

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<p>Just my two cents from unfortunate experience: If it is as you say in your original post, you are being abused. Do not let anyone suggest that abuse is not abuse simply because it is usually non-physical. Emotional and verbal abuse can be worse. It destroys the soul. </p>

<p>I understand that we are hearing only one side, but if the basics are true, then this is a serious situation that shouldn't be minimized or hedged. This is a child in danger.</p>