I dont know what to do

Parents Forum
1

<p>Parents please help me,</p>

<p>I'm worried about one of my really good friends, she lives with her mother, two sisters and two nephews. Her mother has a anger problem and likes to hit them and emotionally abuse them. When I met her she told me stories about how she's been taken away by protective services from her mother because she has beaten them and their friends have seen the bruises and told their teacher, and a teacher has to tell so they were taken away a total of three times since her and her other sister been 5 and 6. Her mother emotionally and mentally abuses them and tells them stuff a parent shouldn’t and says its because she loves them. I lived with them for 6 months and It was terrible how she treats them, when she gets really angry over something small like certain chores not being done when she wants because their doing homework and she calls them a million names. She doesn't care much about anything, she doesn’t care if she has tons of homework, she rather chores be done before homework. she puts her down about her physical appearance. I'm not trying to talk bad about anyone, I was taught better but their mom doesn’t work, she sits on a couch all day and calls her or her sister to get her a cup of water when she sits right next to the kitchen in the living room. She doesn’t help them do anything and barely buys them the things they need, she wants them to get a job and when they do get jobs she doesn’t want to take them to work. She didn’t like me very much because I’m pretty shy and she always wanted me to speak my mind, She believes its ok to live off the governments aid when she doesn’t need to and i don’t think its right because that’s tax payers money and she disagrees and tells me that I’m so smart I’m stupid because of my opinions, She doesn't work because of the simple fact that she can live off the government. She just sold a house and has over 150,000 in the bank. She also thinks that my family is unreasonable because my mother never lived off the government and simple things like having a car at 16 and how I carry myself. She thinks I try to hard to be perfect because my grades are perfect and everything I do is perfect, she thinks I do It to show off. She always tells my best friend that she needs to have intercourse so she can become more confident. and she looks down upon my best friend and I for being virgins. It's a long list of things but anyway I worried about her, now that I moved back home, her mom feels the need to do things she wouldn’t do around me because there’s no witness to her madness. I go days without talking to my best friend and I only think the worse. Sometimes her older sister has to step in and hold her mother back from beating my best friend up because she complains about her making her do all the chores while her other sister sits on the computer for the entire afternoon and doesn’t let her do her homework, My best friend is the only one of the two youngest girls that cares about her grades, the other sister was suppose to graduate this year but she’s not going to anymore because she’s missing 10 credits (amazing, i don’t know how that could even happen) I moved there to simply be by my best friend side because of the way her mom treats her. Is there anything that can be done? I'm tired of having to convince my best friend other wise of what her mother thinks of her and having her emotionally and mentally abused.</p>

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<p>bbecker,
whew...First of all, this sounds like too much for a young adult (either you or your friend) to handle. There must be an adult-school principal? guidance counselor? local pastor? EC advisor? that you and or your friend can go to. It sounds like you have been shouldering a lot trying to assist but this is something that needs more than you can give. Where are your parents in all this?</p>

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<p>Your concern is evident by the breath and emotion of your post. There are multiple deep issues here that have been going on for a time. You can't get in the middle of this, there is a component of experience, you are not a experienced social worker nor a person who works in the legal field, what you may say or so could cause additional risk to your friend or even to yourself. The appropriate people who apparently have to been involved before have to become envolved again. Your friend it seems must go on her own to the appropriate people at school, within their family or the community to get help. Again do not put yourself at any risk.</p>

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<p>ebeeeee, My mom isn't very involved in what I do so I can't just go talk to her about it because she's not going to listen. Don't get my wrong, My mom doesn't do any of the things her mother does but my mom is really self absorbed in her job and her own things. I'm an adult now, and I guess she feels that she doesn't have to be so involved in my life. </p>

<p>I know I shouldn't involve myself like a professional should but I'm just really scared for her well being right now. I really care about her. Her family moved from here to florida to wisconsin so its a different story with the past protective services in another state. I think she's scares herself to go and say something, all she tells me is that shes coming back go florida when she graduates and going to college here and shes never going back. Right now she's having a big problem with her mother making her do EVERYTHING and she doesn't get any of her homework done so now she's failing some classes. She had the stomach flu and was home for a week, she has challenging classes so of course she has tons of make up work but she hasn't even gotten the opp. to do any of it because her mother has her swamped as her personnal slave. I don't know why she does this and me myself know about helping your mom around the house but this is beyond helping this is slaving. I want to help her but I don't know how and since I shouldn't involve myself I guess we'll just wait till she graduates and moves far away where her mother can't hurt her anymore. Till then it's going to be a constant battle wondering if I'm going to be able to talk to her the next day. Or even have to hear that shes in the hospital. Her oldest sister isn't any help either, she holds back her mother from hitting them and she tells her mom that she needs to control herself but she doesn't really do anything about the abuse. Her herself uses them as slaves, she has two childern that she never takes care of because she always leaves it up to my bestfriend and her other sister to look after, feed, dress, bathe them, and make sure the one in kindergarden does all his homework. He just turned 6 in jan. and his brillant and he sometimes ask why his mother doesn't spend time with him and all there grandmother does is yell at them and hit them also. I just feel bad for all of them, I had to come home because I didnt grow up under so much stress.</p>

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<p>I don't understand how she is coming to receiving checks from the government (welfare? social security?) if she has $150,000 in the bank, and if she is able to work. I cannot say for sure without knowing specifically what you mean, but, if you know for certain that she is receiving government assistance that she is not entitled to receive, and if she obtained it fraudulently (by lying on application forms, etc.), then, she is breaking the law, and simply notifying the appropriate agencies and civil authorities will result in criminal charges, and likely a jail sentence, if the fraud is large enough. </p>

<p>Of course, this assumes a lot - that your information is accurate, that she is receiving government assistance (food stamps, welfare, etc.), that she is able to work, and that she does indeed have money in the bank. </p>

<p>If true, the legal remedy won't be pretty and will be disastrous for this family, but it will stop the opportunity for physical abuse, at least temporarily: this person will not be able to abuse anyone from a jail cell, except perhaps other jail occupants. </p>

<p>The longer solution is unfortunately up to the older people in this family - the adults and near-adults. They should be calling police, etc. if this woman attempts to hit them, or actually does hit them. Intervention from outside will be required and they are going to have to be the ones to bring about that result. If they cannot or will not, then, on some level they are responsible for making the choice to continuing to live in that environment. </p>

<p>As to you - I understand you feel bad, and want to help, however, the problem is far, far larger than what any one person from the outside of the family can take on. And it's not fair or profitable for you to take time away from your studies, your life, your future, and your happiness to get involved in this. Be a supportive person to your friend, but beyond that, these problems are hers and hers alone, and the more serious of the problems she can solve by picking up the telephone and calling the police if she is on the receiving end of physical abuse, and/or if she knows that fraud is taking place. If she is unwilling to do that, then, to some extent she is making the choice to continue to be a victim. (Although I am not blind or insensitive to the difficulty of calling police on one's own mother....still...)</p>

<p>The fraud issue is (in my opinion) a more serious one though - your friend is likely too young for this to be a factor, but, in many cases law enforcement will also charge the beneficial recipients of fraud, even if they had no knowledge of or did not participate in the original act. Physical abuse is bad enough, but the impact of it can be healed over time. Criminal records are another matter - once on record, the person is stuck, forever; such records do not go away. If any sort of crime at all along these lines is taking place, your friend will want to take steps to protect herself, quickly.</p>

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<p>Her mom recieves food stamps so she doesn't have to spend her own money on food. She just told a house in florida to move to the midwest to be by her daughter. That wasn't working out because the mother did the same things to the oldest daughter when she was my bestfriends age, they have alot of problems in the past that sometimes gets in the way of the present. But she one day got fed up of her oldest daughter being so ungrateful for her mother moving up there when she didn't ask her to, she commented that she was going to move back to florida but after she found out that she can recieve all these different government aid she decided to live in the city to claim more of the aid. I don't think its fair, There are so much more people who need those food stamps who are really below the poverty line, she is just lazy. She is able to work and won't, She doesnt do anything at all. there are so many mothers who would want their daughter to believe in herself and succedd in school but all she is doing is slaving them and teaching them that smooching off the government is the way to live. And its not, its unfair! I dont know if they'll ever catch on. She smokes weed too.</p>

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<p>bbecker, you have mentioned three rather serious crimes in your posts: physical assault on other persons, drug possession/use, and financial fraud. If your facts are correct, and if you or someone else has first hand knowledge of any of these things, then, a few telephone calls to civil authorities is the appropriate remedy. </p>

<p>Until and unless someone with first hand knowledge is willing to take the required steps to notify authorities, in a sense, they are enabling this person, and as such to some extent responsible for remaining in the situation and allowing it to continue. </p>

<p>Sometimes the best place to look for a helping hand is at the end of one's own arm.</p>

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<p>I should add that if illegal drugs are in a home, and drugs should be discovered by authorities, sometimes all occupants of the residence are charged with that crime as well, and drug convictions seriously impact college financial aid eligibility.</p>

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<p>So I guess its something I need to let her do.</p>

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<p>If there are minors in the house, you can report it, or if you tell the GC, they HAVE to report it, its the law</p>