Abusive Parent Says I Have to Go to Local College

Parents Forum
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<p>Hi all,
So I originally posted an answer on another thread, and it started to turn into my thread, so I decided to post a separate one.</p>

<p>Situation is:
Highschool senior. Verbally (and occasionally Physically) abusive asian mom won't let me go to any college except a local college. I got into University of Alabama, Vandy, local private LAC, and Mississippi State. Full rides to all but Vandy. For Vandy I received the Cornelian Scholarship, plus financial aid, plus some outside scholarships. I would only have to pay a couple thousand which I can pay off with my savings and job. Mom says I'm not perfect and that I'm too fat (which shows lack of discipline in her opinion), so she can't trust me to study and get A grades without her constant supervision. Therefore I must stay at home, and go to the local LAC or she'll disown me.</p>

<p>Before ya'll go on about how I must have done something to lose her trust, I'll just say that no, I'm not perfect, but I come pretty darn close if I do say so myself. I have mild ADD, but I've worked extremely hard on it, and I've found ways to compensate and cope without medicine. I have 56 college credits (from local and cc colleges) and those classes include Chem I & II. I have a 4.0 GPA and a 31 ACT. I'm responsible for taking care of my dog and chickens, keeping my room clean, the house clean, dusting weekly, laundry, dishes, meals, trash takeout, scheduling dentist/doctor appointments, buying anything that's not food with my own money, etc. I volunteer, I do sports, I do research at a local university, I have a part time job, I win national championships in dog shows, I play classical piano at an extremely high level, I win photography/art competitions, etc. I've completely stressed and exhausted myself trying to become perfect and meet her standards while also meeting Vandy standards. </p>

<p>I got into Vandy and was elated as it's my dream college, and mom says no. Says I'm not perfect, says I need to do even more chores, take on more responsibility, ace my homework (I got one B on a Chem II test that didn't even effect my grade, it freaked her out) and most of all, get skinnier. Much skinnier. She showed me pictures of anorexic girls and said "this is what you have to look like." I have no social life aside from seeing my two best friends at community college classes whom I convinced to dual enroll in with me. I have no phone, she limits my computer time to 2 hours on weekends (I'm using the college library computer now), tv to 1 hour on weekends, no social media; she has total control over every aspect of my life and she doesn't want to let it go. She says she'll disown me if I don't go to the local LAC (which is not great) and I believe her. I've been homeschooled and stuck with her 24/7 all my life, and I'm ready to get out. I thought college would allow me that escape, and now that I find out it might not, I'm crushed. Dad's no help, he has no backbone, but he was completely supportive of me going OOS or to Vandy. </p>

<p>I just need suggestions as to what to do and what my options are, advice, or even just consolation that I'm not the failure she says I am. Should I go anyways (which I really, really don't want to do unless I get her blessings), or just attend the local LAC until I save enough to move out and attend a college I like, or just grin and bare it for three more years? </p>

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<p>Oh, and before ya'll start saying I'm just whining and "what do you mean by abusive" (I've been on here long enough): Verbally as in telling me to kill myself, telling me I'm worthless, trying to make me stick to diets taken from anorexic sites because she thinks I'm fat and wants me asian skinny (I'm not, I'm on the skinny side of my BMI for my age and height, and my doctor, dietitian, and personal trainer all say I don't need to lose a pound), stuff like that and lectures/nagging everyday. Physically much, much less now, but she'll still punch my head/face, yank my hair, face slap, etc. all as hard as she can if I ever disagree with her or make a mistake. </p>

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<p>And I know you will probably just tell me to go ahead and get disowned, it sounds like common sense, but she’s still my mom, and at times, she acts like one. </p>

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<p>well, none of that is okay, or healthy. You can do what she wants about your collegechoice…and then she will most likely choose your classes. Your major. Your friends. Your post-grad path. Your apartment. Your boyfriend. Your children’s names. (and you will be an imperfect parent, no doubt) and if she lives that long, she’ll start in abusing those kids too. </p>

<p>This is not okay. You will probably not be able to reach a compromise – she doesn’t want to compromise, does she? And I believe it is classic abuse behavior to sometimes be nice and normal, then return to power mad behavior. </p>

<p>At some point, you will have to choose between what YOU want, and what SHE wants. Now seems like a good time. Call her bluff. Go where you want to, you have earned it and can afford it. Live the life you have imagined, or settle for never being good enough for the rest of her life. I am sorry that you have to choose. As a parent, this behavior of hers is jaw-droppingly inappropriate, so consider yourself hugged. And go eat!!!</p>

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<p>You need to understand your rights, privileges, and responsibilities that you get as an adult. First of all if that’s your photo , I suggest you remove it.</p>

<p>When you turn 18, you no longer have to live with your mother, do what she says, get her permission for most anything. In fact, she has no rights over you that you do not give to her. At any time, any physical abuse could have been reported to the school, minister, doctor, and there could have been some action taken about that. Something a child most often finds very hard to do to one’s own parent. And it’s hard for an adult, as well. That’s a reason why many people, especially women stay in abusive relationships, let their kids get abused, and why there is a lot of unaddressed abuse. Can’t do much without the victim reporting it. But as an adult, you also have the option to leave. Simply leave without reporting mom to the police as assault, which is now what the charge would be when you are no longer a child.</p>

<p>The problem a lot of young adults have with reporting a parent for abuse or leaving, is that they do not have the resources to go anywhere else. Right out of high school, there are not many options, and most of them are not what they want, and most end up putting up with the abuse.</p>

<p>In your case, with full rides, you have some choices. You can ride this out until the end of the school year, and then find a job, a friend, and move out. Go to college and make your own way. NOt going to be easy, but the gap between your needs and your income is not as large as it would be for most people. In this way, you are very lucky in that you have these options. </p>

<p>You are smart enough to get these offers and options (though maybe foolish enough to post your picture), so you need to figure out a way out with the goodies you have. It’s up to you. You have to make this decision. IMO, you should get out and rebuild your relationship with your mother on reasonable, decent terms,and you can do this if you and she both want to do so. It is your choice to give this a go. Otherwise, you do as you are told and take the consequences of that. </p>

<p>Again, you have or will be crossing the threshhold of adulthood soon, and there may be a lot of hard choices like this you have to make. It’ becomes truly your life, your decision and there are drawbacks to any route you take. Good luck to you, and remove that photo unless it is a random one of truly no one.</p>

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<p>If your mom really is abusive, change your avatar asap and ask the mods to take down the picture from your history.</p>

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<p>Agree. You have given out way too much info. </p>

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<p>Was going to say the same thing. Glad others have beaten me to it.</p>

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<p>First thing: take care of yourself for next year.
FAFSA is just ONE form, where you enter the different colleges. Enter ALL the colleges that admitted you, including the local LAC. Tell your mom it’s the law, you have to enter them all and have her sign off on it. Or get your dad to sign it but I have an inkling that she’ll want to sign. So, fill it out well by entering all your colleges. Do so ASAP and send the FAFSA.
Second thing: Find a way to bear the next few months but do not stay in that household; next time you’re slapped or punched, even if it’s infrequent, take pictures/record. Keep this.</p>

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<p>Holy Smokes. I wish your mom would come on here and explain to us how she is perfect. </p>

<p>You need to get away from this woman. </p>

<p>Would your dad disown you?</p>

<p>(BTW…you’re a beautiful girl. )</p>

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<p>Take one of the college full rides and get out, especially since your mother is committing crimes against you (assault and battery at the very least) that could land her in jail or prison if she is convicted of them.</p>

<p>If you continue to obey her when you have the power to escape (by taking a college full ride), then the abuse will continue.</p>

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<p>My heart breaks for you. I wonder if you could call someone at any of these colleges, talk to a dean of some sort, and see if there is someone who could help you figure out what it would take to become independent. THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. I agree, take a college full ride and GET OUT, especially if your father is no help in the situation. Please keep us posted. And please do take down your picture in your avatar - god forbid she sees it. </p>

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<p>From what you are saying, it sounds like you have full rides that are not need based. Is that right? If it is, you have a lot more choices than most kids in your situation. If I were you I would take one of those and leave. </p>

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<p>I know several people who have had parents like this (maybe not quite as verbally abusive, but with the same thoughts of, you’re too fat, too stupid, too lazy, and the same control: you have to go to this school, this doctor, can’t go out past this hour, can’t do this or that). But I would like to say that at some point, you are allowing yourself to be controlled by them. And it sounds like this might be your chance to get out from under them. It’s hard to break away from it, but eventually, it becomes a choice to allow them to treat you this way. It’s your life, and at the end of the day, you have to make a choice that you can life with. But if you really do have the chance to get out, I would encourage you to take it because it doesn’t sound like you’re going to get the chance again soon, unless you get married (to someone they approve of, I’m sure) or something.</p>

<p>Of all the situations I’ve seen that were very similar to this, it tends to play out by (1) the parent realizing that their child could actually leave entirely and lightening up (somewhat), even if they won’t admit it, (2) the parent mad, angry, and refusing to speak to the child, but not actually withdrawing financial support (or the other parent–even it the seemingly “spineless” one–secretly or quietly providing support), or (3) the parent actually “disowning” the child entirely but this one is pretty rare and far between. Usually parents who get really mad over something like this, come around eventually, even if it’s not quite to where you’d like them to be.</p>

<p>But in my opinion, you have to think about yourself at some point, and it doesn’t sound like this is a good environment for you. If, in the worst case scenario, you could support yourself at any of these schools without your parents support, I really do think you should take advantage of that. I know many who went with their parents choice in situations like this (or some variant that they’re parents found acceptable) because they were they didn’t want to lose their parents, and none of them are or were happy with the choice after the fact. I also know a handful who went against what their parents wanted them to do, and it’s not easy but they all felt like it was something they had to do and are better off because of it. I will qualify that though by saying that many of the people I know who went against their parents’ wishes did so over things like medical care or future spouses, not so much academic choices. But a lot of them didn’t have the opening to get away that you could (potentially) have now. Sometimes, you just have to do it, and if it’s not now, then it may never happen.</p>

<p>I would encourage you, though, to consider what you would do if they did withdraw support entirely. You sound like a smart and hardworking young adult so I’m sure you could come up with something, but it is a serious consideration.</p>

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<p>Seems fake. These are serious issues. Don’t go to an online forum for help.</p>

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<p>how did you already get into vandy? did you apply EDI? if so then you’re bound to go.</p>

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<p>Hmmm, Cornelius Vanderbilt scholars aren’t notified until Mid-March. Full ride at Bama is NMF, which won’t be announced for a few more weeks. Guess the migration to the new format caused threads from the future to move back to today.</p>

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<p>I remember this OP from a thread last fall. </p>

<p>I think she’s calling the full tuition scholarship at Bama a full ride. I’m wondering if she’s majoring in eng’g otherwise she wouldn’t have full tuition with a 31.</p>

<p>maybe she is NMF. She would know by now since rejection letters went out earlier this month. </p>

<p>Memphis…what’s the deal with Vandy? did you get accepted ED? If you did, then when are you supposed to accept by? </p>

<p>Is Rhodes College the school that your mom wants you to go to?</p>

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<p>Oh hey, thanks to everyone who replied. I took off my avatar, but she never comes on cc, so I’m not worried. @mom2collegekids I got a 2/3 scholarship to bama, but they offered me additional scholarships from the science, music, and art departments to cover everything else. I also had some outside scholarships which covered what was left (for food and whatnot). I have to commit to Vandy by mid-march. I told my mom that since I applied ED I I had to accept so long as I got enough financial aid, but she said Vandy couldn’t force me to go, and that I was going to the local LAC. It’s not Rhodes btw, it’s much smaller. It’s one perk is being a sister college to Rhodes though, so I can use their library, take some classes, etc. It’s not the college I hate so much (although I feel it’s a poor fit), it’s just having to stay at home for a few more years. Plus they only accept 24 credits out of my 56, where as both OOS would accept 45 something credits.</p>

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<p>What scholarship do you have to Vandy that has been announced already? </p>

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<p>Cornelian. I know you’re not supposed to know until mid march, but I have a good older lady friend who works at a certain scholarship department and I found out things…I’ll just leave it at that. </p>

<p>I do want to try and at least move out if nothing else, and I have a good friend whose parents are offering me really cheap rent at the rental house they own, but I know that will severeley sever the relationship, and I’m just reluctant to take that step. I still love her deep down, even if she is
abusive.</p>