<p>If you would spend as much on a gap year program or a Hyde School type situation, perhaps you might just consider sending him off for that freshman year and see what happens. It’s possible, like others are suggesting, that you are missing the big picture and he has deeper issues than experimenting with pot and rebelling. On the other hand he could be just an “idiot” teenage boy…of which there are hundreds and hundreds. (My husband was one, too.) Be prepared to emotionally write off the money either way. One word of advice, though, you and your spouse(if they are in the picture or ex-spouse if in the picture) have absolutely got to be on the same page with no equivocating. Smart 16-17-18 yr old boys (and girls) can throw stuff back at you in a heartbeat and try and divide you, just like they did when they were three!</p>
<p>It is hell when you have an out of control young adult in your house. You can’t send him anywhere if he 18 or over. If the family interactions and discipline have literally gone to pot, I think giving the kid a bunch of alternatives that are tightly controlled is the only way to go. For several years, my college kid was not particularly a welcome guest in the house. He would come home when he had no where else to go. I had sanitized his room so that only the bare essentials were in it and you couldn’t hide much. I would go through all of his things to make sure there was no contraband in them. I really did not trust him and did not want him in the house. It slowly got better. He had some rough stretches where he had to find his own way out of trouble. Some how he has finished his degree and is now looking for work. We did not SEND him anywhere. We let him go where he wanted to go with a budget and certain ground rules, all of which he broke and had to take the consequences. He has not had use of our car. Sounds like an armed camp relationship which it was for about 6 months until we all eased into it, him included. I am just hoping he has grown up enough that he can go out in the world without the college umbrella now. </p>
<p>Sometimes just sending them off to school means another failure for them. It is a reminder that the problem is theirs, not yours. He’s away at college like thousands of other kids his age and he can’t get with the program there. I think when my son was faced with that thought, he realized that he did not have many alternatives. Now that he was effectively out of the house, he was not going to be able to just move back in. Had we kept him at home, he would have just comfortably gone his way ruining our home sanctuary.</p>
<p>Yes, the trust thing hurts very much and it takes time to heal. I’m healing faster than my H. It happens in a blink of an eye. One minute they are just this wonderful young person learning to drive and gaining the right to independence and then yuck. One other consideration is if you have other kids at home. We did not like the tension that our oldest teen caused in the home and around his younger brothers nor the potential negative influence he might have on them. He wanted to go to college…we sent him…with GPA related financial restrictions.</p>
<p>OP-- I’m glad you and your family saw a psychiatrist. I’m glad you are taking some steps. However, as Northstarmom points out, you might really need to talk to someone who deals with drug issues if you want an answer about drug issues. It’s not really a matter of “sending him anywhere,” so much as it is a matter of getting him help, AND you. Living like that is just exhausting.</p>
<p>If I’m wrong, and I hope I am, then no big deal. But, I can tell you that any addictions specialist would say, “Bring him in,” based solely on the few things you have posted here. I cannot begin to imagine you have posted everything here. The problem with ignoring these kinds of things and “hoping they go away” is that if they don’t go away, they get even MORE deadly than driving around with a bong in a car, which is pretty deadly IMHO. For him and for every other driver on the road with him, btw.</p>
<p>AND, while you cannot SEND an 18 year old anywhere, you can, through power of economic persuasion, get them to attend certain types of outpatient and inpatient settings. I know of more than one parent who had to fly out and pick up there kid from their dorm room. “It’s over,” was all they said. “Let’s go.”</p>
<p>All that said, I hope I am wrong, and that I am simply operating on a very misleading string of facts, and that everything will work itself out without professional help. Either way, everything will work itself out, one way or the other.</p>
<p>Good luck to you and your son and your family in all of this, and remember to do something nice for yourself and to take care of yourself in all of this, as well.</p>
<p>What the psychiatrist said gave me more insight. Not an analyst or counselor, but it seems to me that there is much more than just senioritis going on. The fact that he could leave a bong in the family car (and I assume that he somehow felt it was no big deal) indicates to me that he is one very angry young man. If you hadn’t noticedit when you did, you could have been in trouble with the law. And how difficult would it be to say it wasn’t yours - it belonged to your son?! You wouldn’t be on this site if you didn’t love him - just are at your wits’ end and need some support. The repercussions of his actions could have devastated your life. He is throwing his actions into his parents’ faces. Why? And he doesn’t want help, and now that he is 18, there is no way to force him. I share your frustration. Your actions are limited with his age, and his disrespect. College certainly won’t turn him around. Instead, he will be rewarded for his bad and future altering behavior. We all want the best for our children, but some children just need to learn life’s hard knocks the hard way. No amount of talking or pleading will get them to see anything our way. One day, he will grow up and rue these days. But until that happens, he will go his merry way, not worrying about consequences or anyone else. Hopefully, by his having to work for a year he will get a taste of what his life would be like if he didn’t go to college, and that will make him see that he needs to change. You can’t make him, and this is frustrating. He has to want to change. I really feel your pain, and wish you the very best.</p>
<p>Yes, only the OP can decide if it’s ‘teens gone wild’ or if there is a deeper more critical problem. Fortunately we were married late and had kids late which resulted in the benefit of watching our friends navigate 16-21 enough to make decisions relative to our family. For me it is as scary as bringing that first child home from the hospital and still will be until the day I take my last breath I think.</p>
<p>send him off to boot camp or hell Tranquility Bay (jokes)…</p>
<p>if the kid is acting up dont pay more for him, hell force him into the military</p>
<p>Say, uh. Can I ask a favor?</p>
<p>Since you know your kid has a drug problem, do you think you could maybe hold off on giving him the keys to your car? I’d be really sad if he ran into my daughter on the highway and killed her.</p>
<p>Just sayin’ . . .</p>