Need help with letting him go to his choice, not mine...

Parents Social Lounge
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<p>First let me say I only have one child and am probably over-involved in his life. He was accepted at the 3 schools he applied to, and has declined 2 schools that made the better financial offers. (However, the third is still "fairly" affordable, so that is not a primary motive for deciding.)</p>

<p>My issue is that I feel he has made the wrong choice, he turned down a school that was a "sure thing" (immediate entry into pharmacy school) for a pre-pharmacy program that does not guarantee entry into Pharmacy. So he may go to this school and end up with a different degree if his grades are not competitive. He feels that he will be able to get good grades, but he has not always been the hardest worker, although a bright kid, and we all know that freshman year has many temptations!!!</p>

<p>How does one let go emotionally and allow their kid to do their own thing? I rationally know that he will have to deal with the consequences of his choice, but inside I am torn by the decision of a 17 yr old, who is too immature to see past tomorrow. (This is why I am not forcing him to go to another school, I do realize it is part of his growing up and dealing with reality.)</p>

<p>I am sure that this happens all the time, kids going to schools that the parents were not sure was the right choice. I wish I could keep my perspective and not feel he is making a big mistake.</p>

<p>Any thoughts to how I can get past this and just be supportive? <sigh></sigh></p>

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<p>Bite your tongue until it bleeds!!</p>

<p>You are right to keep quiet. As long as you can handle the school financially, there is no good reason not to let him go. You stated that he is not the hardest worker. It may actually be a good thing that the pharmacy program isn't guaranteed ... if he really wants it, he will have to work for it. That will actually help him say no to some of the temptations that will compete for his time. Think about it ... if admission is for-sure, he can mess around; if it's not a sure thing, he HAS to keep his grades up. Trust him ... I know it's tough, but I am willing to bet that your "bright kid" will show you he can rise to the occasion.</p>

<p>You might want to read the book, "The Blessing of the Skinned Knee." It's a good read for those of us who have trouble letting our kids fall down once in awhile!</p>

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<p>Well, if he has to work to get into pharmecy school instead of being a "sure thing", I see a couple of things</p>

<p>One, maybe he isn't so positive about pharmecy school, so this is a good thing</p>

<p>That he will have to work hard if he really IS positive about pharmect school, so this is a good thing</p>

<p>I don't know that I would want a pharmecist who didn't have to work to hard to become one, if you get my meaning</p>

<p>So, I think he is actually making a very mature decision in some regards....</p>

<p>Do you want it just to be this easy walk or do you want him to stretch a bit, especially in a field that holds people lives in their hands, to work for it</p>

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<p>How certain can a 17 year old be that he wants to be a pharmacist? Maybe it's so in your son's case, but I have seen lots and lots of college students who discovered interests they never knew they had -- or would have -- once they went to college and they changed their initial career plans. I hope as a parent you will welcome that voyage of self-discovery. Isn't that at least part of what education is about?</p>

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<p>It's OK to feel that he is making a big mistake. </p>

<p>It's just not OK to tell him that. </p>

<p>Our son had wanted to go to a service academy since sixth grade. He got the appointment, but decided to go ROTC elsewhere. It was very tough for us to watch him decline what he had wanted and worked for for so long. But now, two years later, it is obvious that he made the right choice for him.</p>

<p>imho: Trust your son. Vent to others.</p>

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<p>I agree with Kelsmom. Some young men do much better when the challenge remains. (I speak from much personal experience.) I'm sure you've communicated your adult views regarding his college options, and I'm certain he's heard you. Allow him to choose his path. That's not a "big mistake." That's growing up.</p>

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<p>Two words: duct tape.</p>

<p>Seriously, though - as you state, it is his life and his choice, and perhaps as others have also stated, he's no longer 100% certain that he wants to be a pharmacist. I know that my d (and she's also an only child, so I know exactly what that's like) had a school that she was going to apply ED to. But when the time came to submit the app, she wavered and said that she wasn't sure enough to commit herself to it. So she didn't apply ED. She did apply to a school that she had never visited and didn't seem to have much of what she wanted, based on other people telling her how great it is. Guess what? The ED school now feels too small, and she's going to the latter school! She is so excited, and will have a great opportunity. She's changed so much, even from November till now, that I would never have predicted this. Maybe your son has also changed.</p>

<p>You also say that you're "torn by the decision of a 17 yr old, who is too immature to see past tomorrow" in choosing his college for the next 4 years, yet you trust that he is mature enough to choose a career for the next 30? I'd rather see him choose a college than a career.</p>

<p>Keep repeating: "It's his life; it's his life; it's his life." Let him know you believe in him. You might also let him know that he doesn't have to be a pharmacist if he doesn't want to be, and you won't be disappointed in him. (My parents wanted me to be a doctor. I believe I intentionally blew Organic Chemistry so I wouldn't get into medical school rather than tell them that I didn't want it for myself.)</p>

<p>Besides, you don't want to hear him blame you for a lousy college experience or for "making" him be a pharmacist for the rest of your life, do you? Give his future therapist one fewer to blame the parents for!</p>

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<p>My husband said something very wise 20 years ago, when our older child was 2 years old:</p>

<p>"Our goal is to make our child an independent, happy, well-functioning adult."</p>

<p>You have to let your son make his own choice. It might be a good one -- in which case he'll feel good because he "owns" that choice. It might be a bad one (although I doubt it --), in which case he'll learn from that "mistake" (which I don't think it is). </p>

<p>It's his life at this point. Neither choice is "wrong," so you have to let him do his own thing.</p>

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<p>Normab, it helps if you consider that children are not our "do overs" but rather individuals in their own right. Over the next four years, your son may mentally "try out" dozens of possible careers, and end up doing something neither of you ever imagined he would actually do. Obviously, this is not only o.k. but actually veru desirable - college being all about discovering new options, interests and passions, after all. I don't think you're overly involved; this early; it's hard for parents to decide when to lead, when to follow, or when to just get out of the way. In this case, get out of the way, let him choose, and encourage him to explore all options. If you try to influence his choices, you run the risk of tampering with the development of the interesting, emerging adult. </p>

<p>Summer of freshman year, the president of my daughter's college mailed to all freshman parents the book "Letting Go", with a cover letter that strongly urged taking it seriously. I hated the book and hated the directive showing up in my mail, but, decided, well, if the president of the college sent it to me, I'll force myself to read it, so, I did, read every page, and then promptly threw it in the trash. Glad I read it though because it did get me through some of what came next, throughout freshman year. The president also spoke at the parent's breakfast at freshman orientation, and she re-emphasized the message of "letting go" there...so...much as I hate the stupid book, it was very useful and helpful, and therefore I recommend you get it. </p>

<p>I do NOT however recommend remaining silent when you have concerns. I think there is benefit in raising concerns and having discussions, mostly because it will first of all astonish you, and second of all make you feel a LOT better, when you hear your son's opinion and perspective on matters and you realize he has probably considered matters in far greater depth than you initially assumed. </p>

<p>Over the years, I have always been very vocal WHEN ASKED, and, have come away from such discussions very, very reassured at the maturity and reason my daughter has applied to decisioning. What I do NOT do, however, is insert or raise an opinion when it has not been solicited - not at this stage, anyway.</p>

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<p>My older son was planning on taking a particular job as his first job out of college. I had concerns about the job, which I tried to gently express. He didn't seem to hear me. I finally asked him, "Will this job be good for you in your future career?" and he gave me a definitive "Yes!" as an answer. So I backed off. </p>

<p>It's his life, not mine. We can only suggest, listen, offer opinions. But it's his life at this point.</p>

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<p>"but inside I am torn by the decision of a 17 yr old, who is too immature to see past tomorrow"</p>

<p>This is precisely why entering a pharmacy program at 17 might not be the best idea. I think that his decision may actually be the best one for him at this time. It is hard to let go, but maybe you have raised him better than you thought ;-)</p>

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<p>Maybe this will help. My S went to his first choice school and loved it. However, it was Tulane. And post-Katrina they eliminated his major, so he had to transfer.</p>

<p>He was accepted to many places for transfer and he went to <em>his</em> first-choice school from among them. It was also our (DH and my) first choice school. It turns out that it is not really a good fit for my son. He has thought about leaving. He is decidely not having that "best years of your life" college experience. While he is staying the course, there are elements of struggle on several fronts. He has shown himself to be a resilient, strong kid... so I believe that he will grow from this. </p>

<p>My point? As we began to see the ill fit that this school was, I examined my conscience as to whether any communication from me made him feel that he should choose this school. I have taken great comfort in the memory that the moment he knew he needed to transfer, he spontaneously announced that this is the school he most hoped to attend. Still, I sometimes wonder if I set the stage for that preference. I cannot tell you how stressed I would be and how guilty I would feel if I had directly guided him to this choice.</p>

<p>Let your S follow his own path. It is ever so important - on the off chance that it is the wrong fork to have taken - that it has been his choice, not yours. And most likely it will not be the wrong path.</p>

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<p>Be prepared. This is just the first of many decisions your son will make in his adult life. Sometimes, you will agree with his choices. Sometimes you won't. As Chevda says, a roll of duct tape placed firmly over the mouth comes in awfully handy for those moments when you want to say what you really think.</p>

<p>But unless a choice is heading him for death, crime, or addiction, your role in his choices from here on out will be relatively minor. </p>

<p>It's hard to realize that we won't always have control, and that our kids WILL have some mis-steps along the way (because, after all, who doesn't make mistakes?), but ultimately our job as parents is to let go of the controls, and let our kids fly on their own. If we've done a half-way decent job, we have to trust that they will recover from mistakes, just as we have done in our own lives. </p>

<p>Prayer and good friends help, as does finding a purpose in your own life beyond parenting. Then, enjoy the surprises, because there will be many along the way, both good and bad. How dull life would be if there weren't.</p>

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<p>jmmom, maybe it is time to try one more school. I have a friend that went to 4 schools. The 4th was the charm. :)</p>

<p>He liked Tulane. How about USC?</p>

<p>Of course, it is your son's decision.</p>

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<p>dstark, wash your mouth out with soap ;). Actually, we told him we are behind him whatever he wants to do - transfer again, take some time off and then transfer, back to Tulane with a changed major....</p>

<p>He seems to have decided to settle in where he is. Now I am rooting for him to bloom where he is planted. It's nice to know that 4 can be a lucky number as, with the Katrina term at a 3rd school, any change he might make now would take him to #4.</p>

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<p>"dstark, wash your mouth out with soap"</p>

<p>lol</p>

<p>Yes, the 4th time was the charm and he has had a great life. I just mentioned USC because USC was the 4th school and there might be tiny similarites with Tulane.</p>

<p>Anyway, good luck to your son, whatever he decides to do.</p>

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<p>Pretty much off point, but I want to say it:</p>

<p>There is a lot of wisdom to be found in these fora. Sometimes I get very impatient with the squabbling that goes on on various threads. But then I read posts like those above, and then I am grateful for the generosity of those who have previously travelled the same paths that many of us are trying to navigate now.</p>

<p>Thank you to all above and to all the generous souls on other threads who will never read this!</p>

<p>~mafool</p>

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<p>Whooah. Bump.</p>

<p>Looks like I killed this thread with my mushiness.</p>

<p>Sorry! Please:</p>

<p>"Talk amongst yourselves..."</p>

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<p>you aren't alone in this...I had a very similar thread a few weeks ago! Something about letting go of the schools they didn't choose, and also worrying a bit if she made the right choice!</p>

<p>LOL about the duct tape! Another little-known use for when we as parents know we should shut up, but can't!</p>

<p>mafool- I liked your post, even if mushy :) what's a little mush between cyber friends??</p>