Advice about how to deal with depression

Parents Forum
1

Hi,

I don’t know if I’m at the right forum, because the Parents Forum is right under College Admissions and Search, but I’m not searching for a college or anything. I just want some parental advice, or just advice from adults? I apologize but I’m a bit weird at the moment.

Recently, I did a test at my college and talked about the results to the school counselor. I don’t want to talk about specific things about my school because it’s a bit small, and probably everybody knows everybody. The results said that I had severe depression, have problems socializing and expressing myself, and was prone to impulsive behavior. Of course I needed to talk to my counselor about it, but I hated talking to him because he was overly patronizing and the whole conversation seemed to be about how I needed some kind of treatment.

I know now that I have depression. I knew before that something was wrong with me, but I guess I didn’t know it was depression. I started college this Spring semester because of family issues. This is the first time I’m living at a dorm. I don’t know from where I messed up. I got into a university with merit aid (full tuition without living expenses and dorm). My parents were happy about that, because we aren’t that financially stable. I got to know a few people here and there, they weren’t that bad, and I thought I was okay. But suddenly, one of the kids started ignoring me and I’m now alone. I had the phase where I couldn’t understand why the kid was ignoring me, then I gave up because I tried hanging out together but that didn’t work, and then I didn’t want to be friends with anybody because I didn’t want to go through that phase again. I don’t mind being alone I guess, because I’m okay doing homework and studying and eating alone. It’s not fantastic, but it’s better than getting bullied. Sometimes I cry about nothing, trivial things like I can’t remember things, can’t solve a problem, keep seeing errors on my code, I just can’t have the confidence to go ask a professor and stuff. I just cried because I couldn’t remember the password to CollegeConfidential and I couldn’t find the email because I forgot the email, I just remember my nickname. I feel so horrible. I really have trouble remembering things, and sometimes I oversleep because I forget there are classes. I try writing things on my hand and having notebooks, but sometimes I’m so panicked that I forgot something that I forget I have a back-up plan. Then I’m so messed up that the whole day is horrible. I’m just barely passing all my classes. I study, I really do, but I don’t know. Maybe depression’s just an excuse and I’m having problems controlling my behavior but I don’t know from where I’ve messed up and where I need to fix everything. It’s like a vicious cycle. I try to study, but I can’t really focus, I know that I have to study, so I’m super stressed about it, I copy the textbook and notes and stuff, and I just can’t take anything anymore, so I just go to sleep. Then I take the quizzes and exams, fail them or barely pass them, get sadder and hopeless, completely hate myself for not trying that hard, then I try to study again. But time’s just ticking by, and the ticking sound gets on my nerves. At the same time, I have good days. I can actually focus and I’m actually learning things, but something really small ruins my whole day. Then it’s just me at a corner of my dorm, trying to feel better but feeling horrible that I let a small thing ruin my day.

I can’t even tell my parents because my younger sibling is having trouble at school, and apparently he has to talk to a counselor too. My mom is so depressed about it, so I don’t want her to get more depressed because of me. We probably can’t afford a doctor. I don’t want to talk to the school counselor, and I think he’s the only one at the school, but he’s horrible. He was like “Of course you’re not like that.” Okay, I know I’m messed up at the moment, but I don’t think he had the right to talk about me like that. Or maybe I deserved to? I don’t know… But I really don’t want to talk to him again. I want to get better academically and emotionally. I don’t want to use depression as an excuse. I got into this college with merit aid, I must have been pretty good at high school. So why am I so messed up right now? What can I do to make things better? I try but then I fail, then I try again, then fail again. I feel worse every single time. Should I talk with an academic counselor? Should I talk with the professors? I don’t want to talk about my personal issues because I think they will just sound like excuses. I’m sorry this has gotten so long, but I just want to get better but I don’t know where to start. My life’s falling apart, and I’m just standing here letting the clock tick by. Could you give me some advice? Any kind of advice???

2

You are doing the right thing by reaching out for help.

  1. Clinical diagnoses cannot be made by a test alone. Some of these tests are quite accurate, others are not. Psychiatric diagnoses must be made by a qualified, licensed mental health professional, who conducts a clinical interview.
  2. I suggest you seek out a licensed psychologist who can do a careful evaluation, and based upon that evaluation make the correct diagnoses and treatment recommendations.
  3. Depression is a treatable condition, there are successful treatment strategies.
  4. You have the summer to tackle these problems and hopefully you can return to school in the Fall feeling much better.

I wish you the best and hopefully you can start feeling better and have a successful academic experience.

3

Additionally, if you do have some diagnosable illnesses, many colleges will assist you in a number of ways in terms of intervening with professors on your behalf, and making some accommodations for your condition.

4

Depression is real and it is not your fault or the result of anything you did to deserve it. Depression is known to cause problems with concentration and focus. Again this is not your fault. I understand that you are worried about the cost of doctors and about worrying your parents. Go to the health services center at your college - it will be free, because the cost is covered as part of your college tuition and fees that already have been paid. Tell the intake person that you are depressed and need help. You need to see a medical doctor there (not just a counselor).

There is also likely a college health services phone number that you can call after hours to seek help. Don’t blame yourself and don’t assume you can power through by trying harder. There is no shame in this - you’d go to the health center if you broke your leg. Depression is a medical condition and there is treatment available for you.

5

I’m not a parent. But big transitions like coming to college or stress (like the family issues) can trigger depression. I’ve had an episode when I first got to high school, first got to college, came home for the summer, and then when I came back to school this year.

  1. **Counselors:** They're hit-or-miss, and it stinks that there's only one. But Snowdog gave really good advice on how the school may be able to connect you with someone else. But it really *is* going to be hard to see big changes in your academic performance and mood until you receive some kind of professional treatment. Also, you're allowed to tell counselors that you want to talk about X, Y, and Z instead of treatment, because there are other interpersonal or self-esteem issues in your life that you want to work on.
  2. **School:** Depression does affect your ability to concentrate. Like, it actually affects the way your brain processes information. It doesn't mean you're making excuses, or that you're doing something wrong, or that you're lazy. I would meet with the academic counselor, and they'll tell you what you can do as far as communicating with your professors. **This isn't a personal issue. This is a medical condition.** You telling them that you're depressed is being responsible and working hard to find solutions to your problems.
  3. **Friends:** This is hard, because you can't do anything about other people. But 1. Do you have high school friends that you can reach out to? 2. Can you reach out to your sibling? You can support each other. 3. *There is a friend out there for you.* It will take stepping out of your comfort zone to meet people, but it *really* helps to have someone that can make you laugh and tell you about the problems in their own lives, so you don't feel so alone. Even if you just stop by someone's room in your dorm and say, "Hi," that's a start.
  4. **Getting through the day:** You just have to take it one step at a time when you're depressed. Don't expect yourself to be able to do all that you used to be able to do. Like, if you have the flu, you don't beat yourself up for not being able to go to the gym or go to work. It's okay to get overwhelmed. It's okay to cry. It's okay to make mistakes, and fail. It's okay to let the clock tick. Because if your life does fall apart, you can always put it back together. *Your emotional well-being is more important than your schoolwork.*
6

OP - I am sorry. One thing I do know is you can get better through therapy and medication. Therapy is usually covered by insurance. Try to find a doctor who is in your network, but more importantly someone you like and trust.