Advice for roommate conflict?

Colleges and Universities A-Z University of Alabama
1

<p>My S is in an honor’s suite. Very early in the year, he mentioned the reluctance of his roommates to do any cleaning, including washing dishes. I noticed during parents weekend the sink overflowing with dishes that obviously hadn’t been touched in several days. My S would eventually get frustrated and wash all the dishes himself, but during parents weekend asked for a plastic bin where he could just move their stuff out of the sink so he could continue to use the kitchen sink without cleaning up after them.</p>

<p>Not a serious problem and one he should be able to resolve on his own.</p>

<p>Then he started complaining about the roommate with which he shares a bathroom. He complains that on a regular basis his roommate comes home drunk and then gets sick in their shared bathroom. He’s complained several times that he is left to clean up his roommate’s vomit from the floor and once from the sink because his roommate won’t do it. Now dirty dishes are one thing, but biohazards are another entirely. My S shouldn’t be responsible for cleaning up to that extent just so he can use his bathroom!</p>

<p>Today he was expecially frustrated because his roommates hosted a party in their room last night and when he returned from class this morning he complained that it had been left with empty beer cans a spilled drinks and no one had attempted to clean it up, so he spent his morning cleaning up after them again.</p>

<p>He is extremely frustrated because he doesn’t enjoy being their free maid, but also doesn’t want to live in the conditions they leave.</p>

<p>I’ve suggested he speak with his RA, but he’s reluctant to do so because he doesn’t want to be responsibile for getting his roommates in trouble or causing a conflict which will make it more difficult for them to live together for the remainder of the year. </p>

<p>Any suggestions on how he can just get them to show some courtesy and respect without causing animosity that will make their living arrangements more difficult?</p>

2

<p>You don’t post anywhere that he’s tried speaking to his roommates. Has he had any conversations with them regarding these issues yet?</p>

3

<p>What a difficult and unpleasant situation. It seems to me that your son has two choices: tolerate the situation or address it.</p>

<p>If he chooses to address it, I’d suggest the following:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Go into it with the mindset that the purpose of the conversation is to see if they can reach agreements about how to take equal responsibility for maintaining common areas in the suite. That is the goal: to come to as many agreements as possible. </p></li>
<li><p>State the goal at the outset of the conversation and keep coming back to it if things get heated or go off-topic. </p></li>
<li><p>Don’t think of it as a confrontation. Saying upfront, “Hey, guys, there are a few things here that aren’t working for me and I’d like to see if we can come to some agreements” is assertive. Be assertive without being aggressive and keep a positive focus on the goal (making agreements).</p></li>
<li><p>If his suite mates don’t want to have the conversation or blow him off, it’s time to see if he can move to a healthier environment IMHO. Continuing to do their dirty work simply enables their conduct.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Best of luck to your son. Hope this helps. :)</p>

4

<p>I agree with the above.</p>

<p>However, as a “back up” in case none of the above works, your son should be taking pictures of all of these issues…vomit in bathroom, gross kitchen, etc, so that if he needs to go to Housing about a room change, then he has documentation. </p>

<p>He should also take pictures of after he cleans something up.</p>

<p>After having two boys go thru dorms, I can honestly say, boys are the worst in regards to this. When it comes time for move out, etc, I’ve had to clean up some pretty gross things.</p>

<p>I’ve come to the conclusion that boys shouldn’t be allowed to have ensuite bathrooms or kitchens unless they either agree to clean up or pay for a maid service. :(</p>

5

<p>blech. i would just want to move if i were him. this is more than just a few dishes in the sink.</p>

<p>i am sure he has said something to them at some point and they continue to do the same things.</p>

<p>throw the dishes away that nobody can every clean? hide the dishes and get paper plates and cups.? </p>

<p>the girls my daughter lived with were messy and irritating at times, but not to this extent!</p>

6

<p>M2CK…I agree. I am sure my son would be willing to pay for maid service. I know that he thinks his suite is a mess too.</p>

7

<p>These don’t seem to be the type you can reason with, but it never hurts to try.</p>

8

<p>The more I think about it, the more I think Bama Housing needs to be more pro-active with these dorms that have en suite bathrooms and kitchenettes. Maybe at the time of move in, when the new residents have their RA Meetings, “cleaning contracts” need to go out to each suite and the roomies needs to sign up for certain cleaning rotations …</p>

<p>1st weekend of the month…Rooms A and D clean respective bathrooms…Room B cleans kitchen, Room C cleans/vacs livingroom and hallways.</p>

<p>2nd weekend of the month…Rooms B and C clean respective bathrooms…Room A cleans kitchen, Room D clean/vacs living room and hallways.</p>

<p>And so forth.</p>

<p>Some financial penalty would occur if a roomie didn’t do their “share”. </p>

<p>Students are free to agreeably trade as needed. but this would ensure that everyone shares the duties.</p>

9

<p>They actually already have such a “roommate contract” and part of it deals specifically with cleaning duties and how they will be split between the roommates. It’s important that roommates take this contract seriously and include their specific expectations and plans. It’s awkward, and many don’t take it seriously or don’t know how to negotiate with their new roommates. October seems to be when many of these problems come to a head. You might be surprised that this can also be an issue with girls.</p>

<p>Housing often shares a story at Bama Bound about a group of girls who thought they would always be best friends. They thought it was funny to answer each “what would you do” question on the roommate contract with “Roll Tide”. When the new wore off and they found themselves with serious issues in October, the RA became involved. The contract was brought out and suddenly “Roll Tide” didn’t seem very helpful in resolving their conflict. </p>

<p>Unfortunately, any agreement is only as good as the intentions of the people who enter into the agreement. The same thing applies to students sharing an apartment or house. There are moochers everywhere and people don’t always share the same standard of cleanliness. It’s a shame when one suite mate finds himself responsible for more than his share or in a situation with a selfish, entitled roommate. I’d recommend taking pictures of the suite when it is clean and then taking pictures of the mess left behind by the other suite mate. Although talking to the suite mate isn’t likely to change anything, it’s a starting point. If it doesn’t help I think the choices are to seek intervention from the RA or Community Director, seek a room change, or learn to live with it.</p>

10

<p>^^^</p>

<p>What does the contract state? If it’s rather vague, then I can see how/why students wouldn’t take it seriously…especially if there were financial penalties for not following thru. And, I agree, taking pics is a good way to prove that chores weren’t done.</p>

<p>I also think that RAs should have to do a kitchen/bath/living room walk-thru once a month.</p>

<p>I agree that this issue can involve girls. It’s just that it seems to involve a much higher number of boys. I have yet to see a shared dorm situation where the boys kept the place in any decent fashion. I have seen decent girl dorms.</p>

11

<p>Yes, I can certainly see where it might be more prevalent or blatant that many boys don’t clean their rooms. Personally, I was surprised to find how many girls are that way, too…maybe not to this degree.</p>

<p>The roommate contract that Housing provides covers pretty much every area…specific cleaning expectations, guests, visitors of the opposite sex, television usage, music, study habits, how to handle conflict, etc. The roommates are supposed to sit down and read it, talk about it, agree on the specific expectations and terms, sign it, and return a copy to the RA. I think most students find this awkward to do, find it unnecessary since they aren’t expecting conflict with their friends, or just don’t take the time to follow through. Even as mature adults I think most of us would find this difficult to do, especially if the other person or other 3 people are strangers. It can be even more difficult than dealing with an immature, irrational, uncooperative neighbor (which we happen to have). No matter what you try to do to resolve the issue, it just isn’t going to happen unless there is mutual respect and maturity. We have specific expectations within our neighborhood which are covered by protective covenants, laws, and common decency, but some simply think those are to regulate the other neighbors and not them. Talking with the roommate(s) may resolve the issue or may make it even more uncomfortable, but it’s a start.</p>

<p>The RA’s do “Health and Safety” checks periodically and room checks before breaks. Part of the purpose for these checks is to make sure students aren’t living in squalor, to assess the overall condition of the room, and make sure there aren’t blatant threats to safety or violations of banned items in plain view. Some RA’s are more diligent than others.</p>

<p>Although I agree that each roommate should contribute to the cleaning, be held accountable, and held to certain standards, I don’t see see how Housing could regulate this without one of the roommates reporting the situation. I like the idea of penalties, but I don’t see how they can be legally imposed or regulated by the RA in reality. Sometimes these situations are students gone wild, but sometimes it’s the result of parents who never held their child accountable and who still don’t want him/her held accountable.</p>

<p>I feel compassion for the OP and her son. It’s a difficult situation and attempting to resolve the issue isn’t likely to be easy. There’s likely to be fallout whether he tries talking to the roommate(s) or taking it to the RA or Community Director. While I think it’s unfair, he may find he has two choices, living with the situation or trying to change suites. Unless the RA or Community Director sees the mess personally, neither is likely to intervene.</p>

12

<p>think most students find this awkward to do, find it unnecessary since they aren’t expecting conflict with their friends, or just don’t take the time to follow through</p>

<p>I agree…which is why Housing should have the “cleaning part” be a bigger deal. That part almost needs to be done separately and presented in a very serious way. For the school, this would be a win/win…their dorms would get better care, and there would be fewer roommate issues. </p>

<p>I think Housing should offer 2-3 cleaning options, and the suite occupants have to decide which option will be theirs, and sign up for one of the options. Then answers like “Roll Tide” will not get submitted. </p>

<p>One of the cleaning options could include each occupant paying XX per month for a cleaning service to come in and clean common areas once a week.</p>

13

<p>

</p>

<p>Does such a service exist now? I know there are some parents (myself included) who would pay for someone to come in to bathrooms and floors but I didn’t think that was an option.</p>

14

<p>One would think that the issues of vermen and insects alone would be sufficient to warrant monitoring of each unit’s cleanliness.</p>

<p>I remember, back in the 70’s, my roommate in the newest dorm on campus (Purdue) had a (contraband) single female pet mouse in an aquarium-type cage with a tight wire top.</p>

<p>Imagine our surprise one morning, when we woke to find ANOTHER mouse had joined her in her cage (having pushed the top ajar.)</p>

<p>It wasn’t a nice, white, pet store mouse, either…</p>

<p>yuck.</p>

15

<p>Class2012mom, I have a close friend whose son is a student at UA and in MDB and she would love to get some business cleaning suites! She already cleans office buildings and does work as a personal housekeeper. PM me if you are really interested. One of the suite mates would have to meet her to let her in and she would only want to take cash to eliminate the possibility of bounced student checks. She does file her own self-employment tax.</p>

16

<p>I’ve been lucky never to have that many problems with my roommates and have never filled out a roommate agreement. I often clean the common areas and my bathroom as I like to keep my home reasonably clean. Sure, I could ask one of my roommates to clean instead of doing it myself, but it’s only about 15-30 minutes of my week. </p>

<p>My first suggestion would be to have him casually ask his roommates to clean up their messes. If this doesn’t work, talk to the RA or simply apply for a room change. He doesn’t need to mention the beer cans to the RA; he can simply say that the roommates had friends over and didn’t clean up after them.</p>

17

<p>I agree that a cleaning service option sounds like a good idea and that cleaning and other behaviors need to be stressed a little more firmly.</p>

<p>I was surprised when the RA told my daughter (and me) that she doubted she’d be charged for any damages to the room or for leaving it unclean when she checked out of her room. Ummm…of course she’s not going to be responsible if the room isn’t clean. We cleaned that suite from top to bottom before she left and it was certainly cleaner than when she arrived. After being responsible for cleaning her roommates messes for the entire year, I certainly wouldn’t have been willing to take responsibility for the conditions or damages she might have created after my daughter moved out. Note to parents/students: Take pictures of everything once you’ve cleaned it at move out time, especially if another suite mate will be living there after your check out time.</p>

<p>And as for reporting the alcohol in the suite, if that’s what it took to get a room change I’d have no issue showing pictures of the mess he was left to clean. No one should have to do that, especially since they are all likely underage. I’d try talking to the roommates first, but if it continued all bets would be off.:)</p>

18

<p>* my roommate in the newest dorm on campus (Purdue) had a (contraband) single female pet mouse in an aquarium-type cage with a tight wire top.</p>

<p>Imagine our surprise one morning, when we woke to find ANOTHER mouse had joined her in her cage (having pushed the top ajar.)</p>

<p>It wasn’t a nice, white, pet store mouse, either…*</p>

<p>Boys will be boys. ;)</p>

19

<p>*Quote:
One of the cleaning options could include each occupant paying XX per month for a cleaning service to come in and clean common areas once a week.</p>

<p>============</p>

<p>Does such a service exist now? I know there are some parents (myself included) who would pay for someone to come in to bathrooms and floors but I didn’t think that was an option.*</p>

<p>Not that I know of. And actually, I think Bama should designate a floor or a particular res hall as having “maid service” and charge accordingly.</p>

20

<p>UA Parent- I sent you a PM.</p>