I live on-campus and I’ve got two roommates that I unfortunately clash with. I need some advice on how to proceed forward.
My roommates unfortunately are incredibly messy and gross when it comes to things like our kitchenette and our bathroom. For one, they never wash their hands (especially when handling common food), there’s usually pee on the bathroom floor/seat that’s definitely not mine, food and trash is left on the floor and never picked up by anyone other than me (and we’ve already had mice once!), dishes pile up because they refuse to wash dishes by hand and only want to use a dishwasher, etc.
So obviously I could ask my RA for a room change. But this involves me moving out. Preferably, I’d like one or both of these roommates to move out instead by their own accord. I’ve actually communicated several times with these roommates about what I’m dissatisfied with, particularly because their habits aren’t very healthy.
I have a very demanding personality. That is, you either do it right or you don’t do it at all. Thus, I’m about to start escalating my communicative demeanor with my roommates to become somewhat more hostile about some of their habits. But what can I do in further escalation so that my words I tell them aren’t just baseless statements? I want to make something happen, not just say words that fall on deaf ears.
I guess my plan is to become such a huge nag that they move out because they’re that annoyed with me. There’s an incentive I won’t mention as to why I want them to move out and not me. Additionally, I’m not planning on resorting to violence because that’s just not how I do things. Ideas?
You might be pushing them to be LESS inclined to do what you have asked vs more inclined. That is often the reaction to people with demanding personalities.
A few thoughts:
Stop having “common food” if you are bugged by their sanitation habits.
Your demand that they wash dishes by hand when there is a dishwasher is silly. But it is reasonable to ask them to please put the dishes in the dishwasher.
No idea how to get them to pick up dropped food or not pee on the seat. But I bet they have no interest in cooperating with you given your current behavior.
If you had come out here to ask for advice before taking your own behavior and demands to Defcon 1 levels, we could have made some constructive suggestions. You have already poisoned that opportunity to fix this with them, though.
Honestly, you should move. And try a LOT harder to negotiate and be reasonable with your next roommate. Or live in a hall with no kitchen facilities, common hall bathrooms that someone else cleans, and just eat on the meal plan.
As someone who has had a billion stupid roommates before in so many different weird living situations, you’re probably going to want to move out. People who have messy living habits that clash with yours, is rarely going to change. It’s 2 against 1 and that fight is going to be harder than just finding a new place to live - which is much easier. Instead of resorting to escalating to angry words so that they might " really hear what you’re saying", which they most likely won’t, or won’t care, find a way to move out. You don’t need this in your life, you clash with them, they’re slobs, you’re all young - just find a new place to live. Passive-aggressive notes and angry demands gets no one anywhere, and that’s pretty much going to extend through the rest of your adult life,
I would go talk to the RA about what to do. Tell them you have talked to them, but that you are concerned with the food/dishes laying around is attracting mice (which you have already seen).
Come up with a schedule for cleaning kitchen, bathroom, etc and mutually agreed consequences.
How will the OP get the roommates to agree to and stick to a cleaning schedule they don’t care about, especially if the OP has already been scolding about cleaning? RAs don’t enforce consequences for stuff like this, and I doubt the roommates will agree to set consequences.
OP, you need to talk to your RA. That’s step one. You don’t just get to move just because you are unhappy (unless your uni has an abundance of unoccupied rooms)–the onus is on both you and the RA to try to resolve the issue first. If you can’t, then there is a paper trail that an attempt at a solution was implemented, but failed, and then they’ll have cause to move someone. Likely you, but you never know. (your idea to nag them so they move out will likely fail–it’s two against one, especially if they file a complaint with the RA about your behavior)
Especially if you have a strong personality, I would ask your RA to hold a roommate mediation to discuss cleaning. While you may be in the right on some things (errant pee in the bathroom is NEVER OK), you’re likely coming off as didactic and inflexible, which won’t make your roommates want to even attempt to make an effort. It’ll likely or has likely made them dig in their heels just to piss you off. An RA can mediate a discussion, especially parsing what is and isn’t a reasonable request (making your roommates handwash when there is a dishwasher is unreasonable; enforcing a schedule where roommates ensure the dishwasher is cleared in a timely manner so freshly dirty dishes can be put in the dishwasher is reasonable), and help you implement a cleaning rota. Then, if your roommates fail to hold to it, you can move on to next steps.
Just move. It won’t get better. You’ve already drawn some unfortunate lines in the sand. RMs are probably baiting you by now just to see how far they can go. And a lot of guys have a very high tolerance level before cleaning kicks in.
Alternative–step WAY back. Close your eyes. Do your own thing but don’t check out entirely.
Perhaps a cleaning schedule can be agreed upon.
Unfortunately, I have the same personality as the OP. When I was in college, I learned the hard way (through losing several friends) that you can’t demand people act certain ways because their lifestyles don’t align with your lifestyle. It just doesn’t work like that. They will undoubtedly push back and become more defensive.
You have to learn to work with people. It is difficult being nice to others when they are pi$$ing you off, but being nice and respectful is how you get others to help you out.
Will this approach always work? No… but the odds of getting people to cooperate by acting nice to them are higher than if you act like you’re in charge of them.
You need to worry less about whether your roommates are living up to your very exacting standards and focus more on your health. Have you been able to keep up your grades while you figure out why you’re having episodes every day? If you get into academic trouble and the school is on the borderline between accepting and denying your appeal, complaints from current and/or formal roommates detailing a “hostile” attitude may not do much to persuade them to find in your favor. Please make your health issues your priority.
The RA, as proxy for the school, will very much care that food on the floor is attracting mice.
Also, some people may respond to the outside person talking to them about the issue.
They may not, but you still need to go through the necessary steps.
Use this as a learning experience…
How to figure out what are preferences vs. Must haves
How to ask “nicely” for what you want in a cooperative way
How to set up expectations
How to ask the right questions about roommates/coworkers/teammates ahead of time
How to use the system to your advantage.
I used to work with a guy who wouldn’t talk to you if you just stopped by…wouldn’t look up from his screen. So I tried scheduling meetings…but he wouldn’t show up. After that I went to my boss and explained what I had tried (Step 1), and asked for advice (Step 2). He said to document all incidents and eventually the guy was let go (Step 3) as I was not the only one he didn’t do work with.
I, too, sometimes have exacting standards. The best way I have found to handle this is (1) figure out what is most important to me of the list and (2) enlist the others help (if you haven’t already alienated them) and show your own vulnerability “Ok guys I know my list of must haves is totally unreasonable and I’m sort of psycho, but if you guys can just work on X I will try to rein myself in on ABC. I really really appreciate it.” If you can have tears in your eyes (eg show real emotion which is not anger) it helps.