<p>I'm also posting this in the Parents' Cafe.</p>
<p>My 9th grade S needs to get out of our public HS. He is very bright and the school is very small, and he needs much more academically than they can provide. He applied to local day schools for 9th grade, but was waitlisted. Now it's time for him to start the process for 10th grade, with an expanded list of schools, and he is trying to decide whether to go ahead or not. The only thing holding him back is that he does not want to leave one of his friends behind. This boy is very dependent on my S. He is the kind of kid who is an outcast in any situation. My S is his only friend, and he knows that if he leaves the other boy will be alone in a bad situation (there is some hostility toward this boy from the teachers, too). They became friends in MS when my S was the only kid who was nice to the other boy. Now they share a geeky interest, several of my son's other friends left the school this year, and the two of them are together constantly. </p>
<p>DH and I have been talking to our S about schools, and he looks absolutely stricken when the subject comes up. He feels that he would be betraying this other boy, who is so dependent on him, if he were to leave, yet he sees 4 years in the public HS as an interminable sentence. The other boy will be devastated if my S leaves. There is no possibility of another school for him. There very well may not be another school for my S, either, because the chances of a place opening up for him are small.</p>
<p>I'm trying to find the right words to say to my son so that he feels free to make his decisions without considering the other boy. I can't say that the other boy won't care, because he will, or that he will find other friends, because he may not. </p>
<p>Another complication is that we may be relocating in the next year or two. There are some things going on that will tip the balance between staying here or moving. One of them is my son's school situation. If he were to get in to a local day school, then we would make every effort to stay here. If he doesn't, then moving becomes much more likely. We have not talked to him about the possibility of relocating, and do not want to until we've decided. But maybe he should know that going to a different local school is probably the best way for him to keep his friendship?</p>
<p>Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Decisions must be made quickly.</p>
<p>Hum... Thats a difficult situation for your son to be in. Does your son WANT to go to boarding school? I wish this didn't sound so cold, but when it comes down to basics, your son's life cannot revolve around one person! But I know its not as simple as that- but I think you should ask your son if his decision to go to boarding school should be based on his friend.</p>
<p>Liza - I think that he's just applying to local day schools.</p>
<p>I'd say do what's in the best interest for your son, whether it's supporting his friend or moving to a local day school. Maybe try talking to the parents of your son's friend's family? Maybe when your son leaves, you could work on getting the friend some support as well (school counselor, or something).</p>
<p>Liza, my son wants to go to a better school, and he should not be influenced by his friend's situation, but he can't see that. </p>
<p>Olivia, the parents of the other boy are not going to be much help to us, or to him. There was an acrimonious divorce a couple of years ago, and the parents are very busy with their respective social lives. There are other children, and not a whole lot of time and attention for this boy. He already has a great deal of support at school (psychologist, etc.) (I hope you are very happy at Choate. I was part of your silent cheering section last year.)</p>
<p>Is there any way to enlist an independent person to initiate the discussion with your son? A guidance counselor at school (unless that is deemed a conflict of interest of sorts), or perhaps if you can afford an independent educational consultant, he/she could discuss the educational pros of making the change (only makes sense if you need help with selection or applications though).</p>
<p>How about simply reminding your son that if is interested in re-applying this year he needs to do x and y by certain dates. Will he need to take the SSAT to apply? You can tell him that you need to sign him up by a certain date IF he thinks he'd like to apply, and ask him which test date he'd prefer.</p>
<p>Can your son still engage in the "geeky" hobby with the other boy even if he attends a new school?</p>
<p>Baseballmom, the consultant is a good idea. I am going to suggest it, because we could also use some help making a list of schools. I actually have identified one a while ago, and was intending to use him this year, but had forgotten in the fall frenzy.</p>
<p>Yes, my son could still keep up the relationship with the boy on weekends, but he would not be around at school, and that would be hard for the other boy. </p>
<p>We are stressing the importance of keeping options open at this point.</p>
<p>If you son's friend sees the psychologist at school, you could call that psychologist and explain your situation with YOUR son without asking for any information about that child. The psychologist then could help with handling all of this with the other child.</p>
<p>I can't call on people in the public HS for help, because they try hard to retain bright kids. Besides, I don't really know the psychologist well enough to trust her with this. I think I will look into finding someone outside the school, though, either an educational consultant or a psychologist. Thank you for the suggestion.</p>
<p>I think...what drnancie is suggesting is not so much that YOU seek assistance from the school psychologist, but that you empower the school psychologist to help your son's friend deal with this dynamic by cluing the psychologist into some background -- without you seeking information from the psychologist about the other child. You don't have to know or trust the psychologist or worry about his/her influence on your child. But you will be helped indirectly if the other child can deal with the prospective separation in positive, affirming ways.</p>
<p>Maybe when your son goes away to a day school, you could set up a schedule with the other friend - like they could have one sleepover a weekend and talk on the phone for a certain amount of time at night. That would at least give the other boy something to look forward to with his close friend, and it wouldn't detract that much from your son's schoolwork.</p>