@roycroftmom she calls us periodically sobbing, either in a panic about falling behind in school or upset because she missed something (like her flight home for Thanksgiving) or because everything is falling apart (phone broken, computer broken, dorm key lost, wallet missing–and this was in one phone call). This happens about once a month. And she’ll say things like “I’m so incompetent,” so I don’t think she’s really happy with how things are going.
Ok, that’s good evidence. So the next step is to ask how she wants to solve It. If the current situation isn’t working for her, what will she do to change things to make it better? The solution needs to come from her in order to work
It appears from your post that you have focused on the executive function issues. My experience is that we needed to pay greater attention to the anxiety and depression for an extended time. (I agree with someone else’s comment that she is probably self medicating.) Once those underlying issues were addressed our D was much better able to navigate the executive function problems. It gave her the self confidence and self worth that she needed. It’s unfortunately a long—and expensive—process but with the right professionals you can get there. My D was out of school for 3 semesters. She is back in school now at a different university close to home and doing great. She avoids the 8:30 classes but is taking a full course load and holding down a part time job, which we never dreamed would be possible. To blame this all on ADHD is oversimplying what is a very complex set of issues. Feel free to PM me if you’d like to hear more about our family’s journey.
@Emsmom1 , Cyber hugs and support. This sounds really tough for your D and for you.
It also sounds like the last therapist might have been a good fit for some families (including ones on this thread) but not for you. Some people with certain mental health issues may need the structure and the affirmation that “we are asking you to do this because we believe you can” that tough love delivers, and others might need more of the “one thing at a time and we’re here for you no matter what.”. It’s hard to know where your D falls on this spectrum. Some people smoke pot for recreational purposes, some to be social, and some to self-medicate. Some for a combination of the above. Which is your D? Some parents are great at providing structure, others less so. It sounds like you are not happy at the far end of the spectrum.
I wonder if you could find a family therapist who can help you come up with a strategy that honors who your D is and what she needs as well as who you are and what you need. As I read #54 above, I feel your fatigue. The situation is bringing you down to a place where it’s getting harder and harder to find the energy and enthusiasm to help which your heart is telling you to do. Not being fully aligned with your husband doesn’t help.
While your D isn’t doing great, it sounds like she has held it together pretty well given what she’s struggling with. I’d start with an acknowledgment and appreciation of what HAS worked and see if I could expand that. But I would certainly get professional help that actually feels like help, not just another set of impossible and uncomfortable demands.
There is also something to be said for second opinions. If you didn’t like the first therapist or agree with her diagnosis, that is fine. There are many others with whom you should feel free to consult. If 3 or 5 therapists all come back with the same diagnosis and general theme, presumably you have your answer.
It also sounds like this issue is quite long standing? Has there been a sudden decline in her life skills performance, or was she never able to get herself up, keep track of her keys, get to planes on time, etc? I’m not surprised she cries about feeling incompetent; the majority of Ivy League students likely feel that way at some point when they are first confronted with world-class competition, and the need to start developing both perspective and resilience that one will no longer be number one in the class and that is fine.
@gardenstategal and @roycroftmom yes, we will definitely seek counseling and maybe a family therapist is a good idea in addition to an individual therapist for my daughter. And yes, the issue is long-standing but when she was home, she had us to keep her organized and to help keep track of all her stuff. And she’s never been able to wake herself up on her own (despite the “loudest alarm clock in the world” I bought her-but I don’t think she uses it. I think she uses her phone alarm).
Anyway, she just called crying and told me that she’s not, in fact, passing three classes. The dance teacher dropped her for missing six classes and she is going to have to take an extension in her Anthropology class, so that means one class passed this semester.
Well, the good news is the next step is really clear now. She will almost certainly have to come home for a while, and shouldn’t return until she can show you and whatever therapist that she can handle things herself while living at home, before trying to venture away again.
“She will almost certainly have to come home for a while”
She was already planning on it. See the OP.
First of all, Emsmom1, sorry to have come to conclusions that don’t really fit. I totally get that you are tired and that it has been a lot of years of supporting your daughter, and it can be really frustrating.
Second, I came back on here because I was thinking about it and from the first post, it seemed things weren’t really that bad- three B’s and some teary phone calls (we all get those of course, mostly from daughters) and the initial issue was the reduced courseload. Some of us have kids who did have reduced courseloads, and, as I wrote before, that accommodation can do wonders.
Now there is news that changes the picture. Missing 6 classes is a big deal. Did she get an F or W? You hired a coach to deal with waking up and getting to class whom she did not use enough. I am wondering if she can finish the Anthropology work before leaving. I recommend against extending it further. Finally, is two classes enough to finish the semester: will the college allow this?
If there are problems with this scenario, for her future in terms of transcript and in terms of the present in terms of stress, I hope you and she can talk with the administration about a medical withdrawal and leave of absence. In that case, this late in the term, her grades can often be wiped clean for the semester. Have you considered this?
Ivies tend to be very committed to their students and to their graduating. It can sometimes be a good thing, sometimes a trap because it is hard to leave an Ivy. They also will have a whole process for reentering with conditions proving she is better and up to being there, such as full-time work.
I think a full medical leave can almost be like a field work term or a coop. If you PM me I can explain.
My only other comment is, sad to say, I think many on here have a whole lot more confidence in therapist than I do. I have become a fan of meds, and things like Tai Chi or yoga, or art, or music, or generally finding something that helps put the kid in the zone. That is not to say there aren’t any great therapists out there who understand ADHD and anxiety, and family dynamics, but after many years we have never run into one. I did find one who helped me navigate these shoals, but mainly because he told a lot of jokes.
This CAN all work out. I know you are tired. But this is an opportunity, corny as that sounds.
This is the risk of providing a LOT of scaffolding for a kid with LD issues in HS, and then they get into a great college, and wobble or fall over when they get there. We pretty intentionally cut back on a lot of our organizational support for my kid with a LD senior year in preparation for college. And completely held our breath her first semester (and year) of college. She did wobble – quite a bit. In fact, if she’d understood that some of the academic warning emails she got meant she should consider dropping the class they were from (and she got them from THREE classes first semester), she might not have made it through at all. But she was so clueless organizationally that she just took them as, “I need to work harder”, and busted her tail so she passed every class. Never even mentioned them to me until after the semester was over. She gained balance throughout college, graduated on time and got into grad schools, and while saying she is a competent adult is still something of a stretch, she actually doesn’t resemble the organizational octopus falling out of a tree that she was as a freshman in college.
But it could very easily have gone the other way, and she could have been home like your D. I’m sorry she is having these struggles.
I think a lot of kids still need that “scaffolding” in college too, and the OP provided a coach for this transitional period.
@compmom this young lady is suffering from anxiety, ADHD, probably depression, is failing classes, and you recommend art and yoga? You are lucky you haven’t been down this path, you don’t realize how insulting this is. I’m sorry you never found the right therapist. There are many out there that are terrific. They saved my D and our family. I really think this family needs more professional support and guidance than yoga or art.
I guess it’s a matter of luck - we found a wonderful counselor for our 19-year-old daughter. I give the therapist a lot of the credit for our D’s success in college. The woman has given D a bunch of coping strategies that I don’t think she would have discovered on her own.
On the other hand, we didn’t find a good fit for our middle son. I don’t think therapy helped him very much (we didn’t know D’s counselor back then). He’s not the type of kid who wanted to listen to anybody else! Thankfully he figured out everything on his own and is doing well now.
So I would say it’s a good idea to TRY therapy - it may or may not work.
We will definitely try therapy and continue with a coach. As for scaffolding- I will always wonder if I did too much for her growing up. I worked on an ADHD research study when she was young and I remember going to hear an author speak on ADHD who said something to the effect of “if you let these kids sink or swim, they are going to sink.” I took that to heart, maybe too much so.
I did the same thing- very hard to watch them struggle- in the long run its not good. We found out the hard way. Now his sisters without issues could be helped- then went on to be independent. Good Luck - so hard.
Oh OP, ((hugs))). You didn’t do too much, or too little. You did the best your mother’s heart told you was sensible, based on what you knew.
Reassure your daughter if you haven’t already that this is not the end of her life or education, that you love her, forgive her, understand she’s scared, and that you will figure this out together.
Then bring her home, spend some time grieving for the time and money lost, breathe, and hang on. This is exactly what happened to us, and I assure you it is survivable (as others assured me, and I thought they were nuts). It is key that you provide her with perspective and pragmatism.
Lastly, don’t forget to enjoy the holidays. Don’t let your lives become one big concentration on Whats Gone Awry. She hasn’t committed a crime, she hasn’t done something immoral, she’s just failed at something.
It’s not. your. fault.
We talk about that a lot in the NAMI class, because parents tend to blame themselves. We tell the class, “You can’t know what you don’t know!” What’s in the past is done. “What next?” is what I’m always saying to myself. I KNOW we made some mistakes with our very ill oldest child, but I can’t do anything about that now. I have to look forward.
Maybe think of it as not the right fit of a college. Maybe a place closer to home, where you can check on her frequently, would be a better fit when she is ready to return. There are plenty of reasons to value fit over prestige for our students. As others have said, it isn’t a race. Colleges will still be there for reentry when the time is right and the skills to manage college life are in place.
Yours is a cautionary tale for parents of high school students. It seems I know several who are hoping that the skills their offspring lack in May of their senior year will magically appear to them in college. There can be some growth that summer, but often one can’t count on massive improvement just by the simple fact of enrolling in a university, or turning 18. Good to keep in mind when choosing the right college.