OP you have said your daughter competed in a time-consuming sport at the elite level. I’m guessing 3 to 4 hours a day six days a week. She quit the sport shortly into her Freshman year. So she had extra hours to complete her work that weren’t available during high school. So it seems she is really two steps down from her functional level in high school. More time and less progress.
I assume she also lost a friend base of teammates.
Have you considered consulting a sports psychologist? She may be mourning the loss of a sport she identified with as a part of her being.
I agree with greenbutton completely. You did your best. It is impossible to predict what parenting style yields best results with these kids. I am in the handholding camp and it works for us. Your DD did her best, she really tried.
Disappointing news about not passing classes, but do not be too hard on her or yourself. She will find her way. These kids are exceptionally smart, talented and capable once they hit the stride. Meds, therapy, yoga, playing with a dog - all these are viable options, mostly in combination.
“So it seems she is really two steps down from her functional level in high school. More time and less progress.”
I could easily imagine this happening. The sports can provide a structure to her life. Additionally, the exercise obtained itself helps release stress and create endorphins. Finally, yes, a social network of teammates can be another outlet that helps achieve balance.
@MaterS yep, more time, less progress. I wanted her to take a gap year before college, but as a recruit she couldn’t do that. I was hoping that being on a team (and accountable to a team and a coach) would help, as well as the ADHD coach, but that didn’t work out. She was injured when she started school (in a cast) and never really bonded with her teammates. Plus, she loathed getting up at 6:30 am for weight lifting and missed so often that she got suspended from the team, then decided she didn’t want to go back. When she dropped her sport she had much more time than she ever had in high school to do school work-but she also realized she what she had been missing socially-she had no social life in high school, just gym and schoolwork (this was her choice; we were all in favor of her giving up gymnastics when she was in high school because it took so much time).
So sorry. To anyone else heading east for a sport I would recommend arriving early and staying in a hotel to adapt to the time change. The Argonne diet can is also helpful.
Small point- the OP said that her daughter doesn’t drive? Is that related to the anxiety? I think this is common. My neighbor’s son did not get his license until his junior year of college and we have another friend whose daughter finally got her license as a sophomore in college. But getting the license was a good thing! Having access to a car gives a young adult more control and more responsibility. And eliminates a source of embarrassment, something that makes the nondrivers feel different. If it is within the realm of possibility (if she’s able, if it’s affordable), I’d suggest strongly encouraging her to get her license and start driving. Yes, driving could be a concern if she parties but she’s already good with uber! Or maybe just start with daytime driving.
On an encouraging note, I read an article awhile ago that was talking about ADHD brain research. The researchers said that there are visible differences in the brains of teens with ADHD but that these visible differences go away over time, so that by the time the teens get to their mid-20s, they no longer have these visible brain differences. That’s intriguing and encouraging. Good evidence to encourage the young adult with ADHD, and her whole family, to stick with it, keep trying, and some of the life difficulties will age away. It’s an optimistic story.
Eastcoast I protect my kids” privacy so will only say I have gone through years of extremely serious, life-threatening medical and psychiatric scenarios with kids who are now doing well. We have found psychiatry (and neurology, endocrinology) helpful but not so much therapists. And yes yoga and the arts have been important particularly for one who cannot take meds for ADHD due to another disorder.
I just don’t like to see too many posts that present therapists as miracle workers. Of course a therapist should be consulted. There are some good ones but we didn’t find any who grasped the complexity of the situation, and they also will vary as much as this thread in terms of approach. Many “holistic” practitioners will recommend exactly what I mentioned as helpful as adjunctive treatments.
Anxiety can be approached with meds for the short term but meditation, yoga, tai chi, EFT (tapping), EMDR- and for some the arts- can help as a more long term way to address anxiety. ADHD can also be helped by exercise and some of these modalities.
Obviously this is part of maintenance and not crisis management.
The daughter is taking time off from school and may have time to try some of these approaches along with therapy.
I was basically saying that it is not always helpful to put all your eggs in the therapy basket but try many things in case something works unexpectedly.
Good idea to focus on driving-like it or not, it is a life skill one really has to master, and it will only get harder not easier to do so as she ages. My mother was of the generation where women learned to drive late, after marriage, and never drove well as a result. I hate driving, and will try to minimize it, but in most of the US, parents need to drive. It is non-academic and might be a good alternative focus during her time off. Plus a feeling of goal mastery.
I do think driving is a good life skill to master and it is nice to have that independence, especially in an emergency scenario. But I don’t agree that it gets harder to learn if put off for several years past the age one can obtain one’s license. In my family, through multiple generations, many people have gotten their licenses at 18-24 as opposed to doing so at 16/17. All are skilled drivers and found the learning process easier and quicker, probably because they more mature.
I agree with @intparent about the age/culture thing and driving rates going down and have read many articles about it.
Most skills are picked up more easily in youth. Foreign languages, athletic skills, dance skills, computer skills-starting earlier usually Leads to more competence in the activity, and I expect driving is no different. Learning to drive is also time consuming, which can be more problematic as one ages. The student can devote countless midmornings on quiet suburban streets right now to learn. She may not have that luxury in a year or two, if she tries to squeeze in driving lessons after work during rush hour somewhere. It can be done; an entire generation of women in the 1930s and 1940s learned largely after age 25. But i don’t think any of them thought it was ideal, either at the time or in retrospect.
In my state, if you get a license before 18 they make you jump through extra hoops, drivers ed, documenting hours of training during day and night, and such. Once you’re older than that, those extra hurdles don’t apply. Also, insurance drops (for a reason).
@compmom I am actually a fan of EMDR; my D also did well with DBT, but we don’t know enough about OP’s D to know if they are appropriate here. They do require a trained therapist, however.
I didn’t mean to imply that art/music therapy, exercise, etc aren’t important, but I don’t believe that they alone can solve the bigger problems here.
OP,
Good luck with your daughter and helping her manage her challenging issues. While there are several alternative treatments available, its perhaps prudent to stick with those that are backed by scientific research demonstrating their efficacy.
I’m sure the OP and her student will find something productive to do with her time during her break, which was the point of my post. Sorry to tell you, doschicos, but no, the twenties may be youthful for some types of skill acquisition, but actually too late for others, as OP probably knows if her daughter was a gymnast. Foreign language skills acquired after the onset of puberty, for example, will not equal prior acquired skills, which is why the UN needs its translators to have been fluent by the age of 8 to be eligible for hire. There are lots of productive things the OP student can do with her free time to keep busy and occupied.
I would never ever suggest art or yoga as the sole therapy for any mental health challenge. I mentioned those as part of a broad based approach for a kid who has left school and may need constructive things to do.
My original post on this topic mentioned psychiatry and meds first, and simply cautioned against unrealistic expectations of talk therapy. I believe there ARE studies comparing talk therapy with other modalities. Interestingly, in the old days, asylums used 20 mile walks for treatment!
In our experience, EVERY therapist and doctor has suggested these things. They are indeed supported by research, and there are professional programs for therapists in these areas of work. Every psychiatric program or hospital that we have used, also offers exercise, yoga and art therapy, and sometimes music as well.
But I did not set out to tout alternative approaches over traditional ones, only to use them as adjuncts and honestly feel that my words have been a bit twisted. So am not going to defend myself anymore at this point Just trying to help.
One other thing: some therapists will be for tough love, and some will be for gentle harboring of our kids during trouble. The same variation that we see on this thread. All in all, I truly believe consistency is the most important factor in parenting, and picking a therapist who shares your views is important.
Psychology Today has a “find a therapist” website that can be helpful since it has photos and blurbs written by the practitioners.
Adjuncts to therapy are one thing; “therapies” without research based efficacy (eg “tapping”) are another. Then again, there is something to be said for a placebo effect.
To clarify, there are several alternative treatment approaches that have had articles written about their efficacy, but it would be helpful to see solid research comparing multiple treatment modalities published in juried journals. In some more mainstream psychotherapeutic approaches, one is cautioned against touching patients. It’s an interesting difference, and sets up a different dynamic.
I am not a new agey kind of person and find it weird to be defending these things, but we tried just about everything at one point for a few of our kids, and one did respond to EFT. The panic actually ended up being related to epilepsy and meds ended it. But before that diagnosis, at least it was something.
I don’t think that psychotherapists would do any touching while suggesting these modalities.
But geez, that post was a sideline since the idea of therapy had been covered pretty adequately. NOTHING good would have happened for my kids without meds for their medical and brain-based psychiatric disorders.
I’m not living in a hippy commune smoking things and massaging people. I carefully tried adjunctive approaches, suggested by professionals, while pursuing mainstream diagnoses and treatments. As a cancer patient with osteoporosis and lupus, I am using some of them myself these days.
I carefully tried adjunctive approaches, suggested by professionals, while pursuing mainstream diagnoses and treatments. As a cancer patient with osteoporosis and lupus, I am using some of them myself these days.