Advice on how to handle an unmotivated senior

Parents Forum
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<p>I agree that it is important to let adult children have real world experiences if they live at home. If a parent is uncomfortable charging rent, then at least make sure they contribute by doing some of the work in the home- cleaning mowing the lawn. One could set up a “rent” situation by expecting them to pay something each month, to be put in a savings account that could go towards tuition if they go back, or help with rent when they move out. </p>

<p>I think the OP is doing the right thing as hard as it is. An affluent community can set up expectations but there are responsibilities with that too. College isn’t a given. The kids who are going to college have done their schoolwork and made the grades and scores. </p>

<p>If there are learning disabilities, then this becomes complicated. There are all kinds of emotional issues that go along with them- a sense of failure and low self esteem. With little positive reinforcement, kids can give up trying. It’s a fine line between not punishing them for something that isn’t their fault and enabling unwanted behavior. </p>

<p>Success at something is an intrinsic motivator. Punishments, natural consequences, rewards- all of those are external. They work too, but self esteem and an inner sense of pride comes from doing something well. The OP’s son will not feel adequate among his peers who go to elite schools- but fortunately things will change once they go and meet new friends and he does too. But when they all come home talking about their experiences it will hurt somewhat. </p>

<p>However, this is life. People do different things in this world. The OP’s son needs to find his passion. I don’t know what that is, but perhaps a CC or college that focuses on technical training rather than academics is a start. Is there something he is interested in like being a mechanic, builder, medical lab technician, X ray tech, veterinary tech? It is possible that he could be very happy and successful at something besides the expected academic route. </p>

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<p>My assumption is that my kids would much PREFER to live on their own. We’re just a backstop. If they are living with us it’s because they have a need. If they have a need, then we are here for them. </p>

<p>So far my D1 has moved out after living with us for a few months after graduation. She just decided that it made sense and would be more enjoyable. We’re quite boring after all. It’s much more fun to live with people her own age. After living in her own apartment in college, she didn’t need to be told that it was time to move on. Now she is much less stressed. </p>

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<p>I thought the rent suggestion applied to situations where the student moves home long term, with no plans to move out. </p>

<p>A student staying home after graduation for a few months while making plans to move forward, look for a job, or an apartment seems like a different situation all together. Of course they are at their home, the only home they have, and they may not have a job immediately or still be looking. Rent doesn’t make sense to me in this case. </p>

<p>But if a student gets a long term job and is living at home to save money, then I think it would feel a little strange for them to have all their money as disposable income while living at home rent free and expenses free. It would be more real world to expect them to use some of that income as living expenses- and the parent can choose to put that in savings for them to use later. However, it would also depend on the child. If he/she were frugal and saving for grad school, then I’d be less inclined to discuss a rent idea than if a student was working, hanging out with friends, not saving, and spending all their money on other things. </p>

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<p>@ellenesk‌
If he gets hungry enough (for all definitions of hungry for things he wants in life), he WILL get motivated.<br>
You may not be able to change him. Is there anything you can change on your end?</p>

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<p>She wasn’t making plans. Her initial plan was to stay for a year or two while she figured things out and applied to grad school. She could have stayed rent free. Her standard of tidiness did not meet our standard. Her standard of what constitutes an equitable contribution to household chores did not meet our standard. She didn’t like being treated like a kid. There was some back and forth on this. At some point, she decided that she would be much happier moving out and quickly made plans without acrimony. It was a self-respect thing. It’s natural and healthy in my opinion. All is well now. She comes over occasionally to watch TV and join us for dinner. Childhood over. It’s nice. </p>

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<p>College right after high school is not a good plan for everyone. He loved his work experience – what about a paid apprenticeship program offered through one of the building trades unions in NYC? </p>

<p>College will be there if and when he’s ready. </p>

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<p>Im not familiar with those, I will check into it.</p>

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<p>I guess one question is why is unmotivated? If he is unmotivated now, most likely this will continue next year. Also, talk to your school counselor/or a therapist, he/she can help. If he is unmotivated but still can carry on with school work all by himself, that is great. Otherwise, if he is needing a lot of help or nagging to complete school work or attending class, if it is not working out now it will not next year. If he is unmotivated because of lack of confidence, then encourage him and praise him on his successes.He should decide if he will go to college/university. In any case, he can take a gap year and go work/volunteer. He also needs to know that since he is an “adult” he needs to pull his weight and earn his living/do his laundry/etc. He will change his mind quickly when he finds out that his friends will move on. </p>

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<p>OP, your S sounds a lot like my S2. He scored 1440 on the SAT and refused to retake. He was a B- student in h.s. if you don’t count failing Spanish one semester. He wasn’t really enthused about college apps. but applied to two directional (in) state u’s. Privates were out of the question. He was accepted to both universities. </p>

<p>We decided to support his going to the directional state u. because we felt that if he stayed in our town he would just fall in with the unambitious crowd he ran around with in h.s. We felt if he didn’t go to college straight out of h.s., he never would. He was somewhat lazy so it would be just too easy to stay in our town doing a menial job (worked at a grocery store throughout h.s.)</p>

<p>The first semester was horrible. Made D’s and F’s. Academic Probation. He pleaded to return (really liked the state u). We gave him another shot. He rose to the occasion. Got off academic probation …thank goodness for grade replacement opportunities…and got his head screwed on tight. His gpa rose every semester after that first awful semester. HIs self-confidence did too. He finally made it to the Dean’s list in his last semester. Graduated in 4 years with a gpa just a little over 3.0. </p>

<p>That was two years ago. He got a job pretty quickly after grad. He lived w/ us for a year after grad. saving $$ to move out on his own. We didn’t require rent because he traveled a lot w/ his job and wasn’t at home for weeks or even months at the time. He paid for all his food, clothes, cell phone, vehicle insurance, gas and maintenance. </p>

<p>It’s been 2 years since graduation. S2 makes a good salary, shares a rental house w/ a friend and is totally self-supporting. </p>

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<p>@PackMom’s story has a happy ending. For me, that would be a terrifying ride, at the time. Congratulations to you for riding it out and maintaining your sanity. You have my admiration.</p>

<p>@ellenesk, if your son is speaking with you, congratulations, you have something to work with.</p>

<p>I agree with the directional or community college alternatives, as well as the paid apprenticeships, or military service. I disagree that failing or poor motivation will right itself, necessarily. If there is an underlying LD, he will need some support and guidance, and maybe interventions, to overcome these issues; he will not just change when he is ‘ready’, as might someone without LD’s. If you can sort through that briar-patch, then leave it to natural consequences (and lots of nurturing when needed, as with @PackMom’s case), it should work out.</p>

<p>My case was quite different- extremely high ability, high EC’s, intense varsity athletics, etc.; then between LD, Sensitivity, and issues at home, DS succumbed to a total lack of motivation for school/grades jr & sr year. A year away, living on his own, and going to a CC with a light load got him away from the “home issues” and helped him confront the reality that this is “real life.”</p>

<p>Again, I found it terrifying, at least in my case, since there is no vision towards a happy ending at times- if you do too, I think that is normal.</p>

<p>My recipe- define and support any LD issues; then love and emotionally support the student, but allow him to start to feel the consequences of his daily decisions. When he is ready to go to college, it (and you) will be there for him.</p>