<p>WDY–Manipulative and sneaky is claiming a single room (saying it’s for YOUR benefit) and moving in a BF to freeload. They may not want to confront the roommate if they feel threatened by her (or her BFs) behavior in any way.</p>
<p>Thanks Gouf78! As far as I can tell the girl is not crazy, just very upfront. She got dibbs on the single room and the others fell for it. And then she and her mother acted liked this is the way it is going to be. I can’t believe the mother went along with all of this.</p>
<p>Post #17 is exactly what I was going to write. No one can take advantage of you without your cooperation. This is an excellent opportunity for these young women to learn the valuable life skill known as standing up for yourself.</p>
<p>This is how bullies thrive–and make no mistake–this girl is a bully. No one is willing to take her on. She should be approached by the roommies, hopefully all of them, and told that this system she assumed would be OK for everyone is definitely not OK. Give the kid a week to find alternative housing and if he doesn’t, then go to the authorities.</p>
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<p>I’d advise the parents to call the housing office. This is a safety & security issue. If security’s so lax a homeless man can shack up with a student, who knows what else is going on? At a minimum, all the other students are paying rent for a suite which houses X people, but they’re forced to share the suite with someone unaffiliated with the university who isn’t paying for room and board. </p>
<p>He’s not only freeloading on his girlfriend–he’s also freeloading on them. </p>
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<p>Emotional issues are already present–fear and resentment. If they can get up their courage today to tackle the roommate, they could as a group tell her, “your boyfriend leaves now. Tomorrow we report you both to all relevant authorities.”</p>
<p>They could also all apply for emergency transfers.</p>
<p>^ but tattling is worse - without first trying to come to an agreement, if that hasn’t happened already. </p>
<p>If you let someone with a strong personality walk all over you, it’s gonna keep happening. This girl may not even realize that she is causing her roommates so much stress. Sounds both like she thinks calling dibs on the room is an appropriate way to solve who gets it AND that she is doing her roommates all a favor since her boyfriend stays over often. </p>
<p>I don’t even know why the parents are involved at this point. They are all adults and should be talking to eachother not through eachothers parents.</p>
<p>It may be the dictator roommate and mother thought they addressed the issue of the “live-in” boyfriend by declaring their intent with calling “dibs” on the single. However…after living with this situation, it is reasonable for the other roommates to determine this arrangement does not fit their needs as a collective.
By having a meeting with all room-mates…sans boyfriend…they can discuss how to best go forward. Someone could have a copy on the table that covers what is and is not allowed with regard to over night guests. They could then collectively decide that this arrangement does not work, and the “live-in” boyfriend needs to make other arrangements.
IF the “live-in” boyfriend does not then move-out, then collectively the girls can go up the ladder with the administration, starting with the RA.
This game plan could empower the young adults in solving real room-mate issues in a way that they may have to deal with when they graduate from college and no longer have the college administration there to assist.
I hope these thoughts assist these young women.
~APOL-a Mum</p>
<p>Where is the guy eating? At the school cafeteria?</p>
<p>The good thing about this is that all the other girls seem to be in agreement. If they go together to the RA, then together to the housing office if necessary, they will be sending a clear message that they won’t tolerate this situation.</p>
<p>Ideally, they’d talk to the perpetrator first, but I don’t think it’s necessary unless the RA insists. Any reasonable person would know that she would be starting a conflict by bringing her boyfriend in to live with her. She should not be surprised to get in trouble over this. The advantage of talking with her first, though, is that they are showing her personally that she can’t push them around any more. They should tell her that the boyfriend needs to be out by that night and if not, they will ALL go straight to the RA and the housing office. They might even tell her that he makes them so uncomfortable that they will report him if he ever comes back.</p>
<p>As for the single, I can’t imagine that any of them would want to share a room with her after this. She has certainly seen to it that her single is safe.</p>
<p>Since this arrangement was understood by all even before move-in (on facebook), and they have all been living under the arrangement for weeks by now, I think it is appropriate that the roommates approach the dictator first. I think it’s the right thing to do under the circumstances.</p>
<p>Whatdidyou, in this situation, the university’s the landlord. The “dictator” roommate chose to move her boyfriend in. The other roommates did not choose to live with each other, and did not agree to the set-up. Sure, it would be best if the roommates raised the issue with the girl directly. They may be intimidated by the grown man in their midst.</p>
<p>There’s a world of difference between a boyfriend who visits, and a boyfriend who cohabits without prior consent.</p>
<p>The “dibs” on the single is in the realm of normal disagreements which could be addressed by roommate discussions. Someone’s going to get the single.</p>
<p>all good questions- I only know what the neighbor told me. I do remember hearing the older DTR’s problem and that was terrible. I will ask the neighbor if they have moved to the next step which includes many of your thoughtful recommendations. The neighbor told me her daughter is pertrified to confront the dictator… or even discuss it with the other roommates. I think mainly due to the older sister’s experience.</p>
<p>WDY–If this was off-campus housing and a group of friends decided to rent a place together and this happened, I could see negotiations of the sort you advocate. They would be making rules for their own place. Probably re-negotiate rent, throw the bum out, whatever.
This is campus housing with set rent and rules already in place and the girls have been put out by a roommate who has manipulated them to her advantage. It is up to the girls to decide if they want to “be nice” at this point. The guy isn’t “staying over” too often–he appears to be LIVING there while the girls have no recourse of calling police, making him pay rent, or even changing the locks. “Tattling” is not an offense in this case–it is one of the only defenses they have.</p>
<p>Have a roommate or a mom call campus housing where they will undoubtedly say “Oh, we have a such and such situation here” – having seen this situation at least a hundred times before. Chances are they have a standard operating procedure for this particular eventuality. Don’t worry about reinventing a procedure to handle this problem. Housing surely already has one in place. YOu just need to find out what it is.</p>
<p>Yes it was on facebook. However ,the best I can gather the boyfriend living there daily was not part of the logic behind the roommate obtaining the single room. Just that he would visit more often than the average boyfriend. Whatever that is these days… :)</p>
<p>Now that I think about it it was rude of the roommate to stake claim on the single from the beginning, but she may have been counting on the fact that others would not protest for fear of alienating her at the git go?</p>
<p>The DTR of the neighbor told her mother that it seemed like the dictator rommie and her mother knew the layout of the school and dorms ahead of time. They may have had an older child attend or they scoped it out on tour day…whatever… they were slick she said and worked like a “well oiled machine” when it came to move in day…</p>
<p>People, don’t flame me, but I’d be tempted to just call myself. The pushy roomie has a pushy mother aiding and abetting. I can give as good as I get. 
Of course, I’d like my dd to handle this herself, but if she won’t, well, maybe it’s time to model how someone stands up for herself.</p>
<p>Songman–Good manipulation may be inherent but great manipulation is learned. I’d bet the BF was living in mom’s home before she moved them both to college.
YouDon’tSay–Not sure if I’d call before I got the go ahead from D but I’d have the phone number on speed dial!</p>
<p>Gouf- LOL! strong possibility… so Mom is off the hook now- brilliant!</p>
<p>There’s a pretty simple solution here. All the girls sit down with the problem girl (without the boyfriend present). They say, they didn’t mind an occasional boyfriend visit, but they didn’t sign up for an extra roommate. They pull out the housing contract and show the problem girl what the rules are. They say they expect the boy out of the room or they will report the situation to the powers that be. (RA then Housing office presumably.) And while I was at it, If I were one of these roommates I might add that the fair thing is for people to take turns having the single room. Since I think this girl needs some squashing. :)</p>
<p>As a parent, I would say, this is your problem, until you’ve done at least the basics, I’m not calling the housing office myself. They need to learn how to do this sort of thing.</p>
<p>Well. the deal with playing the role of “the crazy mom who just goes off” is that it gives the dd plausible deniability. I might give her a heads up that I “might” do something <em>wink, wink</em> and if she didn’t object I’d fire away.</p>
<p>I’m guessing that moving bf in with dd was the only way to get this dd to college. Otherwise, what mom would be OK with this?</p>