Advice please-Roommate from hell- already!

<p>Maybe it was the only way to move the BF out of the mother’s house…</p>

<p>What mom would be OK with this? Obviously this one and she didn’t bat an eye.
Have you checked out the outrageous guests, the MIL and BIL threads? And the neighbor thread? LOL</p>

<p>One thing I love about cc is that you find people who have it worse off and make you feel good about your situation! lol</p>

<p>Too much discussion, not enough action. Just do it.</p>

<p>but tattling is worse
Just an editorial thought- we get a lot of “don’t tattle,” when there are posts about distressing roommate situations. I think a litte empathy is appropriate- for a freshman who’s probably never encountered this sort thing first-hand and has a sib who got dissed for dealing with a roomie problem. Nothing says she knows how to find the words to approach the dictator or negotiate. Or, that her roomies won’t chicken out in a conversation, since they’re also young- “Oh, it’s ok…” I’d feel differently if this were later in the game, even a few months later. </p>

<p>I can understand a hesitation to use the RA- that’s another student. (I think Im soft here because that older sib had things backfire.) There may also be a dorm advisor (where I work, all the adult housing staff are trained professionals and very in-tune with kid issues.) Maybe this problem works itself out- but an early freshman can need support. That’s all.<br>
Except that the person who should move out is Miss Imposition.</p>

<p>oldfort- that is what I told the neighbor. They are reluctant at the moment, but have to get over their fear. They are also stunned that this happened to both daughters. Maybe they feel they are cursed with this issue? In the end ,I think if the DTR and roomeis do not confront the dictator roommate this neighbor mom will take it directly to the college admin. Why? She realizes now how much the older daughter suffered at the hands of a major party roommate.</p>

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<p>I guess security was so tight because D was also in the middle of a city. Residents had to scan their ID to get into two sets of doors, sign in all guests (even people who were obviously parents or grandparents), all guests HAD to leave photo ID (my inlaws weren’t allowed up to see D’s room because they didn’t have their drivers’ licenses with them!), scan ID to get through one more door. Plus a maximum number of days a guest could stay.</p>

<p>I will say that even as the aches and pains settle in to my middle aged body, situations like this make me appreciate being the age I am! I would probably have been afraid of confrontation as an 18 year old, too. Now, not a problem!!!</p>

<p>I pay a lot of money for my daughter’s dorm room and would be furious if she was “sharing” it with some creep loser. </p>

<p>As someone above said, I would strongly encourage (insist) that the roommates sit the girl down and tell her that the boyfriend packs up and leaves immediately, or they will tell the R.A. and get him kicked out.</p>

<p>“They are also stunned that this happened to both daughters. Maybe they feel they are cursed with this issue?”</p>

<p>Yeah, I agree action is necessary. The longer it goes on the more hurt feelings will be. </p>

<p>Nowadays, many people are terrified of confrontation and try to avoid it at all cost. Perhaps because they always left the confronting to someone else; say their parents or friends. BUT the ability to confront someone and stand up for yourself when you need to is a very important life skill in both your work and personal life. </p>

<p>If I was your neighbor, I wouldn’t take any direct action at this point, just advise, watch, and wait for the daughter to do what must be done. There is not always going to be someone else who will swoop in and solve her problems for her.</p>

<p>At my daughter’s school, guests signed in and out and could only stay a certain number of nights per semester. At my son’s school, the policy is that guests can stay so many consecutive nights then have to go away for so many days. I am guessing these policies are a result of the situation the OP describes. </p>

<p>I am constantly amazed by the actions of kids and their GF/BFs. I agree wit others that it is a safety security issue. I would probably tell my kids to talk to the RA to get advice on moving forward. To me, some issues are a bit above the skills of the average college freshman.</p>

<p>I had a roommate from hell once (apartment living off-campus), but I was a few years older and more self-reliant by then. It still took some gumption to stand up to her. She truly was a bull dozer who would basically say “I’m going to do what I want and you can’t stop me, so get over it.” You can’t negotiate with someone who acts like that. It’s always for them. She could turn on the charm big time when she thought she’d gone too far and may get smacked down.
I had good roommates at the same time too–one cheered me on but stayed out of all potential conflicts and the other was a complete marshmallow (useless in other words–even if she was miserable.)
Finally, she left when the lease was up.<br>
If I’d had that situation as a freshman rather than as a junior, I’d be asking my mom to do some calling for me! I would not only have been at a loss as to how to deal with someone like that (still am) but also trying to get used to just going away to college which is nerve-wracking enough. Learning to do things yourself is great but I don’t think you have to learn EVERYTHING at once.</p>

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<p>Exactly. The situation can fester and the girls can complain amongst themselves and be miserable, or they can do something. That something should be decided on–fast–and acted on. The girls need to learn to make a situation better for themselves, even if that means it might get worse for a while. If I were them, I’d go to whomever the useless R.A. reports to, and if that doesn’t work, go to the head of Residence Life. I agree this may be more than a group of college freshmen can or should have to deal with. This guy has no right to take over their living space, and by turning a blind eye the college is not living up to their end of the residential contract. </p>

<p>Or have a father call the director of Residence Life and play the “I can’t believe the school would jeopardize my baby’s safety” card. But do something. That’s the advice I’d give your friend.</p>

<p>I’m surprised this has been allowed to go on for more than a week…especially in a university located in an urban area.</p>

<p>Every school I’ve attended/visited had a maximum limit on consecutive days(3 usually) a “guest” was allowed to stay in a dormroom, some had dorm proctors who must scan every guest’s ID and have him/her sign in each time they entered, and allowing a guest to stay beyond the max-time is usually considered a serious violation of college housing contracts. </p>

<p>Several colleges I’ve known of in urban areas have not only booted students off of campus housing…but sometimes even issued judicial sanctions for this BS as it is considered a serious breach of dorm security for other residents.</p>

<p>songman, is the younger daughter attending the same college as her older sister? </p>

<p>Reading between the lines, it sounds like the younger daughter may be picking up on her parents’ reluctance to act quickly and authoritatively. Is there any way to gently suggest to your neighbors that they present a more forthright attitude about this to the younger D? There’s a bizarre element of humor in this that lightning has struck twice. The silver lining is that the family learned about how to deal with this from the go-round with the older daughter. Now they know it has to be handled quickly and with all of the roommates taking part. </p>

<p>The fact that it happened to the younger D’s older sister also gives a way for the younger D to discuss the situation with her roommates: “Can you guys believe that this happened to my older sister? What are the odds? OK, here’s what we have to do.”</p>

<p>This seems like a no brainer to me. It’s not acceptable and is infringing on everyone’s space, etc. They need to speak to the offending roommate and if that goes nowhere, they need to speak to the RA. Anything else would be allowing themselves to be taken advantate of.</p>

<p>SlitheyTove- you asked: , is the younger daughter attending the same college as her older sister? </p>

<p>Colleges are in two different states- the older daughter attended a state university and the younger daughter is attending a smaller Private University/college in an urban area.</p>

<p>Have you shown your neighbor our advice yet?</p>

<p>Have not shown neighbor yet am going to (tonight) that is why I sought out CC advice- CC people are the best! All sides of an issue are discussed generally and there’s some excellent advice provided here…will return later have to get home- thanks to all!</p>

<p>Maybe this is too practical or weird of me but a huge motivator for me and my daughters would be not wanting to share the bathroom with this “boyfriend”. During the negotiations, I would insist that Miss Single room or him has first major bathroom cleanup with everything restore to pre-move in cleanliness!</p>

<p>I would go straight to the Housing dept and report this. If the others go as a group, then fine…the more the better. Don’t just deal with someone who answers the phone or a receptionist, go to someone who has some power. </p>

<p>If asked why you didn’t go to an RA first, explain fear of repercussions since the RA would just talk to the couple first, and then there would be a few more days of possible retribution.</p>

<p>Before going, keep a few days’ diary that indicates that he’s been there far more than he should be (sounds like he’s been there, 24/7, except maybe if they go out.</p>