<p>“Sassafrass, seems to me that you reap what you sow…”</p>
<p>^ I believe the OP said she “required” him to work as well. I think how to make the “requirement” work must be decided family by family.Sounds like "cutting off "spending money is common, but I’m not sure my D would care. She’d go barefoot in tattered clothes, and read library books. My son, OTOH, is VERY motivated by "stuff!</p>
<p>He’s only a sophomore? </p>
<p>That is bad parenting. The government legally expects you support him until he’s 21. Jobs are very hard to come by in this economy and kicking him onto the street could ruin his future.</p>
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<p>Lucky you! Around here even the minimum wage jobs are taken by laid-off head-of-households whose unemployment checks have dried up. When an employer is choosing whether to hire the guy with mouths to feed or the college kid home for the summer, the family guy usually wins.</p>
<p>“The government legally expects you support him until he’s 21.”</p>
<p>This is just factually wrong in most states. New York will keep kids in foster care until they’re 21, but in most states, including mine, the government and the family have no support obligations after the 18th birthday.</p>
<p>Anything he has done work-wise in the past, one of his parents has had to take him by the hand and stand there to make sure he applied and/or did it. After lots of reminding and email pestering, he did apply for one internship and one study abroad earlier this year, but disregarded suggestions to apply for additional summer positions and opportunities rather than putting all his eggs in one or two baskets. For the past two years he has also ignored suggestions to work on summer applications during his month-long Christmas break or week-long spring break. And by the time he found out he didn’t get either the internship or study abroad positions he applied for, deadlines for many other internships and programs were past. He says it’s a waste of time for him to apply for anything else because he won’t get it. (How many unemployed adults get a job after applying for one or two positions, or can affort to just quit looking for positions after applying for only two?!)</p>
<p>I have lined up volunteer positions for him in the past, and I suppose I could do it again. But am I going to have to do this forever? I am getting tired of trying to push a rope. That is why I am at the point where I think he needs to deal with the consequences of his procrastination and inaction. That’s why I want to tell him to figure out where he is going to live and how he is going to support himself this summer.</p>
<p>Virtually every high school friend of his had a paying job last summer, either in the hometown or elsewhere. So I know it’s not an issue of jobs not being available (although as many have said, lots of positions are already filled). He just procrastinates and doesn’t want to put himself out by looking; that sort of thing is “outside his comfort zone,” he says. I would be fine with him staying in his college town this summer, but I refuse to pay rent so he can lounge around there without a job or an internship. And housing is very expensive in his college town, so I do not want to pay rent for him to work a volunteer position there. And I do not trust him to line up a volunteer position on his own that provides work for him 30 to 40 hours a week.</p>
<p>sassafras - good for you. You aren’t a bad parent, you just have more gumption than most.
Don’t know where you live but if there is a McDonald’s, Wal-Mart or 7-11 around there are jobs. Jobs may be tough to find but the low pay, part time jobs are still around.
Furthermore, just because one can’t find a job is not a license to lay on the sofa all day long. There is no legal requirement for you to do so, nor is there a legal requirement to continue to support him in college.
An excellent place to start is to kick him out. Let him earn his way back. He will figure it out.</p>
<p>What types of problems does he cause for the rest of you who are working? Does he mess up the house, invite friends over and wreck things?</p>
<p>Add my voice to the chorus of those who say it’s VERY hard to find summer jobs (even at Wal-mart and McDonald’s.) My D is also a sophomore and for a month she has really beat the pavement looking for a summer job. I can’t tell you the number of on-line apps she has filled out and the number of cold calls she has made - dressing up, showing up at stores, politely and enthusiastically talking with managers and assistant managers. Nothing. Nada. She’s very determined but very disappointed.</p>
<p>Worse comes to worst, she’ll volunteer and take a summer school class close to home, but she’d love to be making money instead.</p>
<p>shyanne, he does not pick up after himself, complains about what there is to eat, does not do the very minimal chores he is asked to do, fights with his brother, does not say when he will or will not be home for meals … Also, last summer we had a couple nights when he did not come home from being out with friends; he did not call and tell us he would not be coming home, nor did he answer his cell phone at 3 a.m. when we were worried that he was not home yet. His explanation the next day: he was drinking and knew we would not want him to drive home. We told him that not calling us was completely unacceptable, yet it happened at least two more times during the summer. This despite the fact that he lost the use of our spare car and his cell phone for not coming home, not telling us he was sleeping elsewhere, and not answering the cell phone (that we pay for).</p>
<p>scout59, if my son was actually applying for jobs, dressing up, enthusiastically talking to store managers, etc., I would not be complaining. Instead he has applied for one or two things, then adopted a defeatist attitude that allows him to sit around all summer.</p>
<p>Telling someone that they’re not “welcome” at home with less than 60 days notice if they reasonably expected that they would be welcome seems a little harsh and abrupt. There are many good suggestions above on how to work through this.</p>
<p>Rather than starting off with the expectation of misery and WWIII, what happens when you ask him what his plans are for the summer? Tell him your fears, as in "I am worried that your clock is different than mine. I’ll see you sleeping til noon and I will freak out. I also have to fund my retirement and I don’t see where there will be money this summer for your activities (you can say this even if you are well off. It is your money). </p>
<p>Listen and then if there isn’t a plan coming from his side, you can say "Ok, I’m not hearing a plan from you. For you to be at the house this summer, I need you to do six hours of house work or volunteer work between 10 a.m. and six p.m. five days a week. I will put this in writing and post it on the fridge so we can both see the agreement. "</p>
<p>This can be all matter of fact. No need to get angry. You may need some help from a counselor to get your mindset right. </p>
<p>This is a phase where a parent can be brisk and to the point without being dramatic or mean. </p>
<p>Don’t say “I love you but you are making me crazy” because what registers is what is after the “but”. Train yourself to say “I am not understanding your choices but I love you.” and “I am willing to listen to your plans. If you do not make plans and communicate them, then I have a responsibility to make sure you are getting work experience. You can find the job or I can. Pick one.” Then go outside and rip out weeds. (Otherwise the kid starts debating and negotiating for a better deal). </p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>While I don’t think you should put him out on the street, I think you should be clear about what the rules are. Either he has to have a job or he has to be doing chores around the house (make a specific list of tasks he needs to do: painting a room, mowing the lawn, vacuuming, weeding, window washing, etc). If he doesn’t do that, he doesn’t get to drive the car, he doesn’t get to use his cell phone. and he doesn’t get spending money (if he doesn’t work at school, I’m assuming you’re paying for his spending money as well). It’s totally fine to enforce standards of behavior for your own home. </p>
<p>I agree that, even in a bad economy, there is often low-wage stuff for people to do, unless you happen to live in a rural area with few economic resources. These aren’t always fun jobs, and they usually don’t pay enough to support a real person (hence why they’re available) but to provide spending cash to a student they’re fine. Summer camps or day camps are another great idea, especially if there are community centers nearby or Campfire/Boys and Girls Club summer time camps. Or else, tell him he needs to be volunteering somewhere if he’s not going to be working. There are lots of worthy organizations that need volunteers like hospitals, soup kitchens, summer tutoring at schools, salvation army, etc etc etc</p>
<p>I’ve posted this before but it worth repeating:</p>
<p>This excellent piece was written by Doris Burville of Olympia WA:</p>
<p>"Go home! Hang the storm windows, paint the woodwork, rake the lawn, shovel the walk, wash the car, learn to cook, scrub some floors, repair the sink, build a boat, get a job.</p>
<p>Help the minister, priest, or rabbi, the Red Cross, the Salvation Army. Visit the sick, assist the poor, study your lessons.</p>
<p>And when you are through, read a book. </p>
<p>Your parents do not owe you entertainment. Your city or village does not owe you recreational facilities. The world does not owe you a living. </p>
<p>You owe the world something. </p>
<p>You owe it your time and energy and your talents so that no one will be at war or in poverty or sick or lonely again.</p>
<p>In plain, simple words, GROW UP. Quit being a crybaby. Get out of your dream world and develop a backbone, not a wishbone and start acting like an adult. </p>
<p>You are supposed to be mature enough to accept some of the responsibility your parents have carried for years. They have nursed, protected, helped, appealed, begged, excused, tolerated and denied themselves so that you could have every benefit. </p>
<p>This they have done gladly, for you are their dearest treasure. But now you have no right to expect them to bow to every whim and fancy just because selfish ego, instead of common sense, dominates your personality, thinking and requests. </p>
<p>In heaven’s name, grow up and go home."</p>
<p>Go, Doris.</p>
<p>Wow sass; My D doesn’t do any of that. Did you say anything last year when that was going on? What did you say?</p>
<p>speihei, it is not just 60 days notice. I told him last summer that he needed to make arrangements for next summer because he could not live at home if he was not working full-time. It was miserable for the rest of the family to have him home last summer. I encouraged and emailed him information about summer job and internship possibilities earlier in the school year. I asked him over Christmas break to apply for some positions. He chose to apply for one unpaid internship and a study abroad program. He ignored deadlines for lots of other opportunities. He obvously is not very highly motivated to find something.</p>
<p>I am tired of this being our problem and not his so that is why I want to make this his problem unequivicolly. And while I hate to have him not go back to school it seems like it might get his attention and force him to address his lack of motivation or disdain for work before we’ve spent a bunch more money on his education. If he is not willing to work, his education will be for naught.</p>
<p>Without reading all of the posts I get this picture.</p>
<p>When your son has come home in the past he hasn’t be trying very hard to find a job and spends his time lazing around the house. You have made it clear that this wasn’t acceptable and he has acted like he heard you and then done exactly as he pleased. His answer to finding a job for this year was to apply for two rather prestigious and much sought after opportunities. Neither panned out and it doesn’t sound like he is looking for anything else.</p>
<p>If you tell him not to come home this summer rather than being a bad parent I think you are being a good one. You are just acknowledging that soon he will be an adult. Don’t worry about how he makes ends meet, that is his problem, not yours. If he can get by being lazy then more power to him. You aren’t pointing him to a homeless shelter, if that is where he ends up that will be his choice, not yours and he’ll be there because he didn’t want to work in a grocery store. This might be the wake-up call that he needs to realize that it would be preferable to work in a grocery store than to live in a homeless shelter.</p>
<p>You’ve done everything you could. You made your expectations clear, you’ve set an example of someone who works. He’s almost an adult, now it’s up to him.</p>
<p>If someone told me that I was not welcome in their house I would assume they hated me. And if these people hated me, why would I want to please them?</p>
<p>How is he doing in school?</p>
<p>shyanne – sassafrass didn’t say her son wasn’t welcome in her house. What she is thinking of saying is that he isn’t welcome to move back home for the summer and she has been quite clear what the issues are.</p>
<p>shyanne, you’re playing the guilt card. If sassafrass’s son does that I hope it doesn’t work.</p>
<p>@shyanne, I don’t think it’s about you pleasing them, it’s about you taking responsibility for yourself, whether you like it or not. </p>
<p>Again, I’m not sure telling him he can’t come home for the summer is the best tactic, because he may just sucker a friend into letting him stay at his house and then just laze around there, begging for money so that he won’t be a burden on his friend’s parents (which you maybe tempted to provide if for no other reason than simple embarassment about your own son’s free-loading). Also, I don’t know that it’s really enforceable. I mean he may just choose to call your bluff and fly home and then what are you going to do, leave him at the airport? Or if he doesn’t find a place to live are you prepared to leave him out on the street at school? i’m not saying you shouldn’t do it, but you just should be prepared to go all the way to enforce it. Otherwise you’re just teaching him that you threaten but never actually punish. </p>
<p>That’s why instead of slamming the door in his face, just be clear that this isn’t going to be like other summers. You’ve had enough of that and he is too old. It’s time he takes responsibility either by getting a job or by doing work around the house (this could include cooking. Why not leave him a simple recipe to prepare and tell him he needs to cook dinner for the family. Life skills, they’re called life skills.). And if he doesn’t want to do that, well then he doesn’t have to live at home this summer. He doesn’t pay rent, you pay for his education, his phone, his living expenses, and provide him with a car, food, clothes, probably electronics etc. It’s not monstrous to say he has to give something back. </p>
<p>And you’re right, too many parents let their kids laze around every summer and then the kid graduates and their parents say “Find a job. You can’t come home.” and the kids are left totally unprepared and unmotivated, because nothing was ever expected of them before. I think that’s more cruel than telling someone that working is the price of living at home rent free.</p>