<p>I was trying to say that maybe he doesn’t try to do anything because he has people unhappy with him all the time. Low self esteem.</p>
<p>After my son decided to drop out of college and join the Air Force until he figured what he wanted to do I urged him to get a job, while waiting for his assignment. His youth and naivet</p>
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<p>Are you kidding?</p>
<p>If that is the case and his family is the cause of his low self-esteem, he would be much happier living elsewhere this summer with someone who will plump up his self-esteem (along with his pillows as he lazes on their couch with his laptop).</p>
<p>OK. It goes something like this. “We love you…I think you know that. However, your lazy habits are driving us all crazy so things will need to be different this summer. Here’s a list of what we expect and the house rules…I’ll put it on the fridge. If you need help, let us know. And from now on, I’m expecting you to cover your incidental expenses - at home and also at college. So it really makes sense for you to try hard to find some paying work.” </p>
<p>So let’s say he blows it all off. No gas for the car. No cellphone…not even at college. No entertainment expenses. Maybe even stop the cable (unless you can’t live without it). Just basic food and shelter. Same for college. And a clear directive…next summer…SOMEWHERE ELSE.</p>
<p>Last time I checked the labor statistics, there were 5 applicants for every job opening. And every adolescent who takes a job–whose family could otherwise support him or her–is taking a job away from someone who might really need one.</p>
<p>Count me in the minority here–and I’m not a wealthy person, just middle class–but I never wanted my children to have a job while in high school, nor do my wife and I want our son to have a job when he enters college this fall, certainly for the first year. We want our children to focus on academics, practicing the piano, practicing lacrosse, etc.</p>
<p>There will be plenty of time–the rest of his life in fact–to be a wage slave. I am also a firm believer in the liberal arts, see college as an opportunity to learn for the sake of learning, not as vocational training. Graduate school is vocational training. (I’m a psychologist and was a philosophy major as an undergraduate, and had only a few psych classes before graduate school.)</p>
<p>Our son did volunteer at the hospital each of the summers while he was in high school. And there is a level of expectation of helping around the house–but work for pay is not one of them.</p>
<p>Not that anyone who disagrees with me is a bad parent. Different strokes for different folks.</p>
<p>latichever:</p>
<p>Sassafrass’s son is acting extremely immature, is lazy, rude, unappreciative, disrespectful and taking advantage of his parents in every way without giving anything back.
Sassafrass wants to help the son become a man sooner than later.</p>
<p>“There will be plenty of time–the rest of his life in fact–to be a wage slave. I am also a firm believer in the liberal arts, see college as an opportunity to learn for the sake of learning, not as vocational training.”</p>
<p>^ Hmmm…I’ll be interested to see if you feel the same way after he comes home for Christmas. There have been some great stories.</p>
<p>You are not a bad parent. Your son will have a rude awakening upon graduation if he has no work experience, even if it’s washing dishes or cutting grass. Even if he can’t find a paid position, there are worthwhile volunteer activities. I agree that college-aged children should not simply lounge over the summer. Adult life begins at 18, and the idea that one will have a long, leisured three-month “vacation” is a privilege for children only. I have a friend who allowed her children (twins) to avoid summer work in college; now they are graduating, and the gaps in their records harm their employability. She bitterly regrets not pushing them harder to find work or another productive occupation during the summer breaks.</p>
<p>We also didn’t want our son to work during high school. I told my son he didn’t have to work during college either unless he wanted to. To go to school and college was his “job”. He decided to work at college his sophomore and junior year and will work next year also because he wants to. He is waiting to hear about a job for this summer. We have never yelled, threatened or demanded anything from him. We are low income. My mother said that if my son didn’t work in high school then nobody would hire him in college. She was wrong. I think he will do fine.</p>
<p>I don’t know - it seems this is more about work or no work…or even about earning money. Based on the posts, the “kid” is sleeping late, complaining about the food and acting more like a slug than a person. I couldn’t live with that either. The expectation is that he is involved in something productive and is participating as a normal member of the household. A job would be fine I would think…but so would volunteer work. I don’t have sympathy for rude slugs!!!</p>
<p>*Is he 21 years old? If not, you’d still be paying child support for him, were you divorced. *</p>
<p>What??? Child support ends at 18 or high school grad.</p>
<p>Some have been trying to say that OP is being hard on son and some are saying OP isn’t. OP wanted opinions.</p>
<p>It sounds like your kid needs some tough love, and not just for this summer. I had to balance work/school while I was in college, starting my sophomore year (my parents allowed me to adjust during year 1), and it really made me work hard and stay focused.</p>
<p>It sounds like he has never needed money. He should learn what it feels like to need money and have to work for it. Working helps kids learn the value of a dollar, and it will help your son further appreciate the fact that you’re paying for his college education.</p>
<p>Sassafrass’s son is acting extremely immature, is lazy, rude, unappreciative, disrespectful and taking advantage of his parents in every way without giving anything back.</p>
<p>Exactly…and I don’t think giving him a list of home chores/projects is the answer if he doesn’t find a job. He’ll just procrastinate and goof off and not do them (or not do them well). </p>
<p>If he doesn’t find a job, then he can do volunteer work…at a hospital, an animal shelter, etc.</p>
<p>I think if you tell him ahead of time that it’s either a paid job or volunteer job, he’ll find a paid job just to get the money.</p>
<p>Sassafrass…in the meantime…keep your eyes open for a part-time job. BTW…what does he do for money? don’t give him a cent!!! not even gas money!</p>
<p>I think it is perfectly healthy for a young adult to have a job. There is a lot of learning that early minimum wage jobs can offer. (Responsibility, hard work=money, personal self reliance and so forth.) I do realize that there are a lot of unemployed people around, but realistically, a lot of these people are not employable. If a young adult is seen as more employable to a potential employee, then by all means he or she should be hired. Then when the child starts earning money, it is time for the parents to reinforce good money management skills, if they possess them.</p>
<p>Sometimes it is easier for a kid to get a job at college than during the summer.</p>
<p>shyanne…it’s great that you have a son who wants to do productive things on his own. Maybe the fact that you’re not comfortable financially contributes to this. I do think that “entitlement” can creep in when kids are “well to do.” But are you saying that you would be fine if your son slept late every day, slugged around the house and complained about the food? What would you do…just think that’s fine and give him a hug? I’m not being sarcastic…just curious. Or are you implying the OP’s son is lashing out because the OP has been too demanding? Even if that’s true…what does the OP do NOW?</p>
<p>If Sassafras happens to live in an area where part-time jobs are scarce, then he can volunteer. However, it sounds like she lives in an area where there are part-time jobs. When I live, any kid can get a part-time job. There’s help wanted signs in many stores. New stores are opening. </p>
<p>This kid acts entitled. I would stop paying for everything while he behaves this way. This isn’t a kid who spends his free summers perfecting an instrument, improving an athletic ability, and/or improving his mind. It sounds like he stays out late and sleeps in and then is rude.</p>
<p>*I do think that “entitlement” can creep in when kids are “well to do.” *</p>
<p>I agree.</p>
<p>I don’t know anything about OP’s situation but this kind of behavior is fairly common for young men raised by mothers but without fathers.</p>
<p>You “think” you are right in not welcoming your son to move back home for the summer if he does not get a job…so in your way you are not a bad parent…because you are thinking is the best for him and other family members.</p>
<p>However, I will never prohibit my kids to come home… That’s my happiness…I’m looking forward for them to come home and the pleasure and happiness is huge.
What parent has a better parenting technique? I will say both… but past experiences have shaped our behaviors…</p>
<p>For example…last Christmas both of my kids came home…yes it upset me that they did not work or help too much with house chores. However, they enjoyed their break after their first semester in college and we enjoyed a precious time together….they read books, plan the next semester, talk about possible interns, gather applications …and rested from their first experience in college. However, I still had a curfew at midnight (Believe me 10:30P.M was until HS/Junior year. I relaxed the curfew after many CC parents helped me to cope with the change.)</p>
<p>Sassafras:
-Did you work during summers when you were young? I’m sure you did…I did not, but took some summer classes. Probably that’s why I’m not obsessed and you are.<br>
-How is your son doing at school? If he is doing great I will not harass him so much…I will encourage him to plan for his four years,…and read about future Internships; gather information and applications and show to you, create an excitement something you may talk with him…Maybe next summer he can get the dream intern.
-How old is your son?</p>
<p>One of my kids will take summer classes and the other kid got a summer job. I treat them with love and encouragement and always ask them about their future plans:
-What are your plans for the next semester?
-What are you going to do in summer?
-What is next for you?</p>
<p>Every kid is different…and with love and encouragement you can get a lot from them. I’m strict with conduct, hours to be home and they know they need to comply and adhere to the behavior I expect. However, I will not deprive them to come home: </p>
<p>SUggestions:
-Ask your son what he is going to do during the summer. Have a curfew…
-Suggest him to take summer classes at his college or local college.
-Arrange volunteer services in an elderly home, school, church, golf course.
-Try to get a part-time in the grocery store, golf course, thrift shop…</p>