<p>Unlike his siblings, our 18-yr-old youngest/son has never worked, and has whittled down his bar-mitzvah money until it is now around $500.
He is heading to a very nice liberal college in the fall and we are committed to paying for it. We have told him that he is responsible for earning his spending money for college.<br>
Starting about one year ago he has said he was "done" with high school, and totally slacked off from his previously high work ethic although he has turned in magnificent performances as the lead in school plays/musicals.<br>
We have also said that the extra car which he has been using may not be used for any activities other than school-related unless he brings his grades up to A's and B's. Additionally, we said he must have a job this summer. He may use the car to look for work and must advise of 5 applications each day until he gets a job. After he puts in applications each day he may use the car to visit with friends.
So we are getting the freeze treatment along with intermittent temper tantrums. To others he is a wonderfully smart and nice boy; to his parents he has been acting like a jerk. We don't raise our voices; we just reiterate what we expect for the privilege of driving our car. He goes ballistic. I honestly think he doesn't know where to begin in terms of working. He also doesn't want any suggestions.
A reality check: Are we being in any way unreasonable? Should we expect decent grades and a job in exchange for car privileges? Perhaps our leniency in the past due to his being such a great kid is coming back to haunt us....</p>
<p>I don't think you are being unreasonable at all in how you are handling the situation. I know you would prefer the advice of another parent or adult, but I can tell you exatcly how my parents would handle the same situation. I would like to start with the part that may be the most unpleasant to hear. You said he has whittled down his Bar Mitzvah money to 500 by age 18. If he has been living off gift money for 5 straight years, it is incredibly hard for a teenager to recognize the value of the money he is spending. I was given $250 of my Bar Mitzvah money and the rest was put into my college savings. Sure, the money was gone in 2 weeks because it was just cash I had been handed, nothing I earned. It meant nothing to me so I blew it as fast as I could. Now extrapolate those 2 weeks and make it 5 years and you can see why the problem would compound over time. It goes without saying that you should not give your son another penny of spending money if he is unwilling to earn some money on his own. About the tantrums and cold shoulders, I think it is just a phase because never before has he been given that sort of ultimatum. It is important that he secure that first job as early as possible and you must be strict about it. Do not even let him see his friends until he gets a job secured. Sure, it may make the coldness and tentrums worse, but there are more important matters and life-lessons at hand. Just don't think you are doing anything wrong. You aren't expecting anything more than any reasonable parent would expect of a son that is, for all intents and purposes, an adult.</p>
<p>Not being "unreasonable" in my eyes. Then again I'm the mom who told her D who is finishing up her 1st year at college 3000 miles away from home, "don't plan on coming home and hanging out all summer, you'd better get a job!" (she'll be working in the Poconos this summer - whew) And who has insisted that she earn ALL her spending money (and has been for the last 4 years).</p>
<p>Hey, life is hard, you may as well figure out how to maneuver through it.</p>
<p>So, nope, not "unreasonable" and it'll be good for him!</p>
<p>Exactly, my parents had me working since I turned 14 years old. I then opened up my own bank account to deposit my first paycheck. I would make a routine of keeping only a certain percentage of the check. So the more I worked, the more I got to keep. This kept me on pace so that my account could grow and I would still have some cash to see movies and concerts with. Now, I wouldn't call myself stingy or cheap, but I hesistate before I spend and always consider putting my extra cash into my account. Through the little percentage method, I managed to work it up to 12,000 that is all a result of hard work. Not bad for a 19 (soon to be 20) year old. But like we said, it is never too late to learn this lesson about the value of work and money.</p>
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We have also said that the extra car which he has been using may not be used for any activities other than school-related unless he brings his grades up to A's and B's. Additionally, we said he must have a job this summer. He may use the car to look for work and must advise of 5 applications each day until he gets a job. After he puts in applications each day he may use the car to visit with friends.
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You can make whatever rules you want re: the car. It's your car, you are probably paying the insurance on it, and if he has never worked a day in his life, the car would be a good incentive for getting a job quickly. You are not being unreasonable, and I know it's hard to start getting tough now that he's 18, but he's under your roof.....</p>
<p>Km, it's never too late to do the right thing. Good for you. Don't give in or he will never respect your wishes again.</p>
<p>Maybe he doesn't want your suggestions for finding work because he doesn't want to succeed in finding work. THen, he'll have to ..y'know..WORK.</p>
<p>I don't quite get the part about he "must advise you of 5 work apps daily" before visiting friends for the evening. Is he actually doing that every weeknight? What's he doing, going to box stores and filing apps at personnel?
That's not a bad approach, but how long has that program been in place and is it yielding any results yet? </p>
<p>Can you change the focus to establish a deadline by which you expect him to have found a summer job. In our community, it's all happening right now. Spring means the outdoor crews are hiring. But soon the college kids will have taken all the spots, so he'd better hurry up. </p>
<p>Do you have job leads and contacts for him to pursue, or just vague suggestions about finding work? See if he wants to be put in touch with people, or thinks it'll be more productive to wait for box stores to choose him from the crowd. Most of those apps just sit there, that's the problem. If he has some reason to want to get employed sooner, then maybe he'd listen better to your guidance so the job is nailed. </p>
<p>Are the grades slipping in any way endangering his acceptance at college? Find out from his counselor if admission can be rescinded by the college that accepted him. OFten there's language along those lines on the college's website. That said, I know of a kid who plummeted to a D in an AP class, and was rescinded by one college but not by two others. So it's a scare tactic, usually.
He probably cannot see any possible reason to maintain A's and B's. The fact is, he can slip but he can't plummet.
The friends are all reinforcing each other now in how much they wish they were somewhere else than home. </p>
<p>Your expectations are TOTALLY appropriate. If the strategy to get him to accept your expectations isn't working (sounds like it's unpleasant for you), then you could declare a family meeting to discuss how he can meet the expectations and ask him for WHAT KIND OF HELP he wants from you to get there....but don't change any expectations.
He might be upset at how hard it is to actually get hired. If he admits to his discouragement, that's your opening to offer help in new forms.</p>
<p>"We have also said that the extra car which he has been using may not be used for any activities other than school-related unless he brings his grades up to A's and B's. Additionally, we said he must have a job this summer. He may use the car to look for work and must advise of 5 applications each day until he gets a job. "</p>
<p>Considering that he's a senior, I think you should back off of his grades. If he totally messes up, he won't be going to that LAC next fall, and that will be his problem to deal with. Better for him to have to live at home while working fulltime or going to a community college than for him to go miles from home, get into the partying scene and flunk out as did my older S, a bright guy who at 23, drifted for years after flunking out of college, and also moved 3,000 miles from home. </p>
<p>If your S can't get things together now in terms of his academics, then he's not ready for college. Don't bother talking to his counselor. Your S got the acceptance letter, which I would bet my mortage told him that admissions is contingent on his having acceptable grades senior year. Sometimes people have to learn that life is serious by being held accountable for their own thoughtless actions. All I suggest that you need to tell him is that if he ends up not going to college next year, he can continue living at home only if he is paying a reasonable amount of rent (Check the classifieds to see what people pay for renting a room in your community) and continuing to follow house rules including about his chores.</p>
<p>As for the car, I think you should drop the "5 applications a day" requirement. What you want is for him to get and keep a job. He could put in 5 crappy applications a day and never get a job. However, if he really wants a job, he clearly is a bright guy who could find one, and I don't think you need to hold his hand for him to do so. He just needs to choose to get a job.</p>
<p>Consequently, I think that you should say that until he gets a job, he can only use the car to school related and job application related activities. Then, leave it up to him how he handles this. If he chooses to spend the summer playing couch potato and being driven around by his friends, then he'll have to feel the consequences of not having spending money for college. Not your problem. (Incidentally, I was a person who used my summer and school year earnings to pay for my books and recreational expenses during college, including transportation home, which I usually did by Greyhound.)</p>
<p>Ignore your S's whining and attempts to make you feel guilty. Instead, find ways to have a nice life yourself.</p>
<p>This is from a mom whose younger S is a bright guy who was flown in to Washington U his senior year, but never got around to applying to colleges because I wouldn't sit on him to get those apps in. His grades also plummeted big time spring semester senior year after we warned him that if they did, he would have to pay for his first year of college himself including paying to submit his applications, and would have to earn at least a 3.0 average for his dad and I to kick in for the rest of his college.</p>
<p>After missing the deadlines for the collleges that he was interested in, he managed to quickly have an Americorps position created for him, and has been living at home and doing a great job with Americorps this year while paying rent ($60 a week out of his $200 a week salary) and sharing my car and contributing to its upkeep. We made him pay rent over his initial protests because we had always told him that rent would be required of any of our offspring who was living at home and not going to college fulltime or immediately headed to college fulltime.</p>
<p>S ended up falling in love with Rollins, getting in with merit aid that leaves tens of thousands to pay. He probably will take out a loan to cover the gap his freshman year, and if he gets a 3.0, his dad and I will help with lots of his costs the rest of his college career. His dad and I have never bothered to point out to S that if he had had strong grades his senior year, he wouldn't be in this situation. Every day when S considers his predicament, we know he realizes what his actions resulted in, and he has learned some important lessons from being held responsible for his life.</p>
<p>Incidentally, this S, too, is a very nice young man, so I was tempted to let him slide. However, one has to be more than nice to become a responsible adult, so I held the line.</p>
<p>In a post over in internships I detailed some guidelines for kids looking for summer work. I do see a lot of kids going around in packs and handing in applications -- and at least for me -- none of them are getting hired, especially the ones that show up in pajamas or whatever they think those long flannel plaid boxer looking things are called.</p>
<p>My son, who'd done some work for me but needed to work elsewhere, got all fired up about one of those knife selling commission jobs. The kids do need some guidance from the grownups about what consititues a "real job" and what constitutes a waste of time or worse a scam.</p>
<p>Anyway, it's not unreasonable to expect that an old-enough child will use his summer productively -- either working, taking classes, legit volunteering, etc. It's also not unreasonable to withhold the perks of adulthood (i.e. the car) unless said child is cooperative with the productive guidelines of your household.</p>
<p>I live in a city with a very bad job situation, yet my college son always has work available because he works through a temp agency. It pays $8.00 - $10.00/hour and it is generally warehouse work, but basically anytime he's home he can call them up and they find a week or two of work for him. (They just have to pass a drug test.) The nice thing is that they are solid 40-hours a week jobs (or more, sometimes there's overtime).</p>
<p>So, that's just a suggestion that some kids don't think of.</p>
<p>And, in our house anyway, there's no such thing as a $free$ car.</p>
<p>Time to stand firm. You are being very reasonable. I agree that there now needs to be a deadline for having a job, or no car privleges other than school or work. Just filling in app's isn't going to do it. He knows how to turn in app's without getting a job. He'll now need to learn how to turn in an app to actually get a job. There is a difference.</p>
<p>The thing that's unreasonable about your plan is that it takes constant, minute enforcement - how are you going to verify that he's done 5 applications in a day? Both of you are going to get very tired of the daily nag, and it won't do anything except send him away, in one of his friend's cars, if necessary.</p>
<p>What you should be focusing on is results. Have him apply ASAP for some low-level "safety" job, one that he is sure to get. (Chuck E. Cheese?) Then, it is his choice is to get a better job, or to suffer through a summer of "I say Happy, you say Birthday." </p>
<p>In addition, I would put the Bar Mitzvah money, as well as any graduation money, in a bank account which he cannot access for the summer. Plan to transfer a reasonable amount at the beginning of the semester to a debit card. Let him know that his books and other college expenses are all his. Do not bend your position, and do not debate it. He's trying to manipulate you with his anger, and you have to prove to him that it won't work.</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for your support. I feel much better about our position. We are holding firm - no car privileges unless for school or looking for job. Son is sulking. We live several miles into the hills, and he is especially perturbed because we are not close to public transit, his friends haven't been willing/able to drive and get him, and he says he feels like he's in prison.
Devilsrule, I am so sorry I didn't insist that son put the majority of his bar-mitzvah money into a college fund right away. Big mistake - you sound like such a together kid. It is difficult to describe to someone how fulfilling it is to earn one's own money.
The suggestion about a temp agency is a good one. The next time son speaks with me I will mention it. We also have a recreation center that has a summer camp on the next block where he could work as a counselor, or even as a pool hand, but he isn't interested. My courthouse hires summer helpers at $8.68 per hour, but he has volunteered here and thinks that filing is boring. I think he envisions himself giving book advice to patrons at a bookstore/coffeehouse where he doesn't have to make too much coffee or stack too many books. Or perhaps working as a go-for at a motion picture studio? Beats me how he plans to get one of those jobs.<br>
I am fortified in holding the line today, thank all of you, and will report on any progress.</p>
<p>One summer my sister decided to hold out for a movie studio job (well at least we live in the area) and passed up all the boring teenager jobs. When she didn't get one (please, she was 16!) my parents had a fit. She went to an expensive HS and needed to make her book and spending money. She had been told she NEEDED a job. She got one mid way through the summer that didn't pay much and she had to live on that money the next school year.</p>
<p>The summer after I graduated from high school, my father got me a job with a stevedoring company. I sat in a trailer at a shipyard with 4 other people, and we filed onion skin copies into filing cabinets all day. Five days/week for 8 weeks.</p>
<p>To this day I am convinced that my father got me that job to ensure that I would go to college!</p>
<p>I also do not think you are being too harsh. Your son must learn that there are consequences. Yes, filing is boring. Surprise! We all have to do boring things - if he's not interested in the various jobs available, then he's obviously not terribly interested in driving. He thinks he can wear you down by sulking, throwing fits, etc. (Sound familiar? Like what we all went through when they were 2 or so?) If he's going to act like a toddler, continue to treat him like one. When the desire to drive outweighs the desire to get something for nothing, he'll get a job. Of course, until then, you're the ones that will suffer!</p>
<p>I might be biased, but I paid for my own car/insurance/gas and have worked two part time jobs my entire highschool career. It's really not soo terrible...tell him to find a job he likes and do exactly what he's going to do after college...work.</p>
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tell him to find a job he likes
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<p>Ay, there's the rub . . . I'd tell him to find a job. Period. Like or doesn't like has nothing to do with it.</p>
<p>I'm not a parent or a teen---I'm somewhere in between---but I'll throw in my views here as well. First off, I think your stance about the job is entirely reasonable and definitely good for your son.</p>
<p>The only change I would make is to second the view that taking a collaborative rather than confrontational approach might work best. Sit down with your son and talk with him about why he needs to have a job this summer (based on family finances, his personal growth, etc.). Then, hear his point of view, not on whether he should get a job, but on how he would like to approach the process, what he would like to do (where ARE all of the coffee shops in your city, how much do they pay, how far away are they, what are the job responsibilities, etc.), what other options he would consider (an independent bookstore? a library? a literature camp? tutoring or teaching English or creative writing?), etc. </p>
<p>I bet you could find some options that would meet the financial needs and also be interesting to your son. The world of work is full of everything that people need done. There's no need for him to limit himself to what comes immediately to mind or is right around the corner. This time in his life is EXTREMELY valuable, and should be used to find passions rather than put in time. He sounds like a smart person, and, if motivated, focused, and confident, could find something that would be interesting to him that pays him at least minimum wage. It's my personal philosophy that people should do real work as soon as possible, related in some way to their interests. This doesn't mean pursuing only fantasy jobs like PAs on a movie set. He needs a portfolio of possibilities from the reach to the safety, if you get my drift.</p>
<p>I have to respectfully disagree with Northstarmom. I believe that learning from very drastic consequences is more painful than useful. I believe in placing challenges in front of people, but not ones that are so overwhelming that they threaten to crush them. I think that you keep your teenager on track to go to college for the same reason that you keep a two-year-old away from a stove: there are huge consequences to a mistake that they don't fully understand. I don't believe in paternalism, but I believe in sharing wisdom and giving both challenges and support in order to grow.</p>
<p>Anyway, I hope this helps. :)</p>
<p>"I have to respectfully disagree with Northstarmom. I believe that learning from very drastic consequences is more painful than useful. I believe in placing challenges in front of people, but not ones that are so overwhelming that they threaten to crush them. I think that you keep your teenager on track to go to college for the same reason that you keep a two-year-old away from a stove: there are huge consequences to a mistake that they don't fully understand. I don't believe in paternalism, but I believe in sharing wisdom and giving both challenges and support in order to grow."</p>
<p>We actually agree in that I believe it's also bad to have to learn from drastic consequences. However, if a kid decides to goof off senior year and therefore has their college acceptance, I don't see that as a drastic consequences that would prevent their growth. Any person who goofs off that much isn't ready for college, and consequently, it would be better if they stayed home another year instead of going to college, flunking out and then moving thousands of miles from home, which is what my older S did.</p>
<p>Older S -- who managed to get to college (something he said he wanted to do after h.s. although my H and I were encouraging him to take a gap year and work since hs claimed to hate school-- only with the help of my firm hand on his back, has had a very bumpy road. </p>
<p>Younger S, whom I didn't structure so he could manage to get his college apps in as a h.s. senior -- has had a gap year in which he matured a great deal, including achieving the maturity that allowed him to get his college apps in without my active involvement. Since he continued to live at home, he also benefited from having some structure and support, that older S didn't have when he -- by choice -- chose to 1,000 miles away to college, something that also wouldn't have happened if I hadn't done the legwork to help him find a college in his preferred region that would accept him and give him the money to attend.</p>
<p>I'm just finishing my first year of college and will be going home to work at my cashiering job that I've had since summer '05. I think it's great that you want him to get a job and that it will provide him with the motivation and direction he needs since he's been a bit on the lazy side lately. Don't be too concerned about it though; he's got prom, senior fun stuff, graduation, and then senior week/alternative trip with close friends all coming soon, and it's all much more exciting than these last 4-5 weeks of school. When I was where he is a year ago, the last thing I wanted to do was study for finals and write final papers. </p>
<p>As I said, a job will probably be good for him, especially since he's never worked before, but I think forcing him to put in 5 applications a day until he's got a job is a wee bit harsh. Do you live in a large town or major city? If, not it could be really hard finding 15 or 20 places taking applications. Many 1st year college kids will be coming home to their old jobs, and other freshman and HS juniors and seniors will be looking too. It's also working against him that he'll be hired somewhere only to quit in 3 months or less. Minimum wage-paying jobs want people who will be around for a while. Sure, you could just not say anything about the plan to leave(I'm not saying flat out lie about it, I'm saying you could leave it out), but his boss WILL find out that he knew he'd be leaving, will considering him/herself having been lied to, and then will either not put your son back on the schedule at winter brek or next summer, or will not be a helpful reference when your son goes to look for a new job. </p>
<p>Hopefully, he will find something, but I would advise that your last guaranteed summer with your son will be miserable if the two of your are always fighting about him not having a job, not having spending money for school, and not having car privledges whenever he wants. Nothing would push me away faster than if my mom was constantly pushing me to work when a job is just not becoming available to me, despite all my effort.</p>