<p>Just sent my kid an email that I'm kind of having regrets about.</p>
<p>Last summer S1 came home to live after freshman yr at college. He slept every day until 11, worked 20 hours a week and went out every night. Did the same thing at Thanksgiving (except for the working) and plans to do the same four 5 weeks at X-mas. Even though he has an opportunity to work over break for ex-employer says he doesn't want to because he hated that job. </p>
<p>While home at Thanksgiving he told us he plans to come home next summer. And while he did not say it straight out, I know he plans to work a little and sleep and go out a lot. DH and I discussed it and decided he needs a dose of reality. To let him do this again would not be good for him or for us. He needs to grow up; he's got it way too cushy!!</p>
<p>So I just sent him an email stating that we would rather not have him come home if it's going to be a repeat of last summer. I said the only way he can move home is if he somehow finds a full-time job and pays us $200/mo room & board. Otherwise his choices include getting an out-of-town internship, staying in his college town to work & take a class, or getting a job at a summer camp.</p>
<p>I think he would gain great life experience and bundles of confidence if he gets away from the nest. Did I do the right thing?</p>
<p>^ Annasdad. The problem is we had been talking quite a bit about this issue. And the plan up until now was that he was going to go for an out-of-town internship. There are quite a few steps that he needs to take to get it lined up. App has to be in in Janaury. He hasn’t done a thing about it. Then at Thanksgiving he said he plans to come home. I can talk and talk but sometimes he doesn’t take thing seriously until he sees it in writing.</p>
<p>edited to add, oops was typing when cbug replied.</p>
<p>^^^Annasdad, some people respond better when given some time and space when confronted with a difficult situation. I too would have sent my son an email or written him a note to facilitate this conversation. It removes the emotional volatility and gives him a chance to think and act, rather than react, which never turns out well for either of us.</p>
<p>Cbug, I think you did the right thing for your son. You know him better than anyone else, particularly anonymous posters on CC. I have had to make some difficult decisions for my son along the way and I took a lot of flak from family members for those choices. But in the end, they were the right thing for my son at that time. He is now 25, graduating from college next week with an excellent job in his field. There was some tough love along the way that my son now appreciates.</p>
<p>Makes sense to me. You set out some clear expectations - and putting them in writing was probably not a bad idea. My son spent last summer living off campus in a room he sublet, taking a class and working part-time. He was very independent - much more so than he would have been at home. I fully intend for him to do the same thing this summer - or take an internship somewhere. Coming home for the summer - sleeping in childhood bedroom - sometimes it can be a step backwards. You fall back into those old patterns of parent-child behavior. IMO - our job is to gently nudge the baby birds out of the nest. Being independent for a summer is a great step in this progression. I think you did the right thing and it will benefit him in the end.</p>
<p>Yes, I think you did the right thing. Now you have to be confident and stand firm. Too many parents don’t have enough courage to show tough love when their kids need it. You are to be commended.</p>
<p>Let him come home. He’s YOUR kid. Before you know it, he won’t want to come home and you will miss him. He will get bored or run out of money and find some job. Don’t charge him to stay with you.</p>
<p>Your description of him sounds like my kids. They work hard during the school year. Unless he is failing, cut him some slack.</p>
<p>It is nobody’s business but yours how your decide to communicate with your kid.</p>
<p>^ He would pursue a job. But his ideal would be about 20 hours so that it doesn’t interfere with his sleep and social schedule. Also jobs are still tough to get in our area, compared to his booming college town.</p>
<p>how is he doing in college? what are his long range plans, grad school? I personally don’t find what your son did for the summer at all unusual, working 20 hrs a week and enjoying a social life. we all have different expectations and have the right to express them though, so that’s your privilege. I find the sending the email a bit distant, although I realize it’s a way to communicate without the emotion. If he had dropped out of college I would be echoing your sentiment, however imho a college student should be able to “come home” over the summer without having to pay to live there…</p>
<p>Money and a great experience.
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<p>Priority deadline for some positions is 12/2/2011 but they accept applications until all positions are filled.</p>
<p>I think what you have asked of him is fair.</p>
<p>He only has two summers left to pad his resume before he goes out looking for a post grad job or goes to any graduate school. He will need these summers to gain job or research skills.</p>
<p>Does he know how to go about finding an internship? Does he know about REU’s. Does he know who he needs to approach on his college campus to help him learn about these steps? Depending on the kid he might not have a clue.</p>
<p>While I can’t fault you, I will say that some of us find ourselves footing the bill for summer programs. That 20 hours a week of work doesn’t sound so bad to me. One question: is it about the money, or is it about failure to spend his time in a worthwhile way?</p>
<p>Although I can understand your motives in wanting your son to spend his summer in a productive way, I am concerned about the implications of telling him that he is not welcome in his own home. Some young people do not react well to this concept.</p>
<p>cbug, thanks for starting this thread. We will be talking to our S about this summer, too. He likes the idea of being independent (living away from home) but hasn’t talked about how he would support himself (unless he thinks we will). </p>
<p>I know you’ll be discussing this with him over the holiday break. If you have any regrets, it may be that you said “you’d rather not have him come home…”. Look at the positive side, you’ve opened the door to an honest discussion. </p>
<p>^ I went back to my sent email. Here’s how I worded the part about not coming home: </p>
<p>“Just wanted to give you a heads up that Dad and I think you need to consider some other options other than coming back to (our town) next summer. Summer is a good time to explore growth opportunities – not only from an income standpoint but also for gaining maturity and life experience. Etc. Etc.”</p>
<p>Tough question cbug. We have found with our still in high school, but very independant DS that it is best to manage expectations or end results, rather than the day to day actions. I understand your frustration about seeing your son sit around and party all day, but I guess the question is why is he working and what are your expectations. Is he working for something to do (yuck) or is he working b/c he needs money for stuff he wants/needs. Perhaps your DS would have more motivation to work if he needed the money to pay for stuff he wants, like college or going out or his car or whatever. Do you take care of all of his expenses? I would say that if he makes enough money to take care of his expenses throughout the year, is doing well in school, helps around the house to the level you expect him to help, and is generally doing well - well then let him be. However, if he is coming to you for money, then time to make him responsible for those costs and that will perhaps motivate him to work a bit more. </p>
<p>I think every family has different expectations. Some families fund trips to Europe, cars, computers and full pay school with little effort required of their kids. Some families don’t. It really depends on what you expect him to do. Good luck!</p>
<p>OP didn’t say wasn’t welcome, just that if the S choice was to come home, the expectation was a full time job and a contribution to the household. While it is great to have the young adults home after two semesters at school, it can get old pretty quickly to have the parents up, out of the house working& running the household while junior is sleeping in every day!</p>