Am I overreacting?

Parents Forum
1

<p>I apologize, but since this is the parents' forum, I was just wondering...</p>

<p>Am I overreacting if my parents won't do much to help me get to an Ivy League?
First of all, they are East Asian parents so a lot of people would think that they are the stereotypical Asian parents that want their children to be perfect or almost perfect in nearly everything they do. THIS IS NOT THE CASE. They are somewhat lazy (I don't blame them, I'm spending time on CC looking up random stuff) and don't want to help me apply to anything I am interested in. If I want to sign up for a summer program, they either say "no" without giving me a good reason why, or they tell me to apply myself. I had to apply for an internship myself and the fact that professors won't be as harsh to parents as they would to students didn't change my parents' beliefs.</p>

<p>Second, my parents say that getting into HYP colleges is my responsibility. I partially agree that I should get good grades and test scores, do any ECs I like, and etc.
I just think that they should do a little to at least guide me. However, my mom signed me up for violin lessons just because all the other moms were getting their children to do it.
We kind of compromised that issue out, but I just wish that they would be willing to go on a parents' forum and maybe converse with other parents...</p>

<p>The reason I'm so bothered is that my sister, who went to a state college, was always supported by my parents every step of the way: School, SAT, ECs, and much more. Whenever she gets a mediocre grade, C or below, my parents just lecture her for about 30 minutes and then forget about it and act all nice to her. When I got a B+ for my first time (in the end of 8th grade), my parents were all upset and were constantly scolding me for not being able to maintain straight As.</p>

<p>Therefore, I have three main questions:
1. Am I overreacting, or are my parents just tired of what they went through my sister?
2. Am I too much of a control freak? Should I just let things alone.
3. To the parents, what encouraged you to go on CC forums?</p>

<p>Wow, I should probably take my problems to a therapist or something :P</p>

<p>But thank you SO MUCH for reading, I know it's long</p>

2

<p>You only really need two things from your parents:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>An understanding of the family financial situation and how much they can/are willing to contribute to your college expenses.</p></li>
<li><p>Any limitations they would place on their willingness to pay. Are there any schools they object to so much that they would not contribute to your expenses if you enrolled there? </p></li>
</ol>

<p>Everything else, you can do on your own, if necessary. There are people on this board who will help you every step of the way. And your own guidance counselor may be an excellent resource (or not – this varies). </p>

<p>I have a suspicion that the reason your parents may not be communicating well with you is that their financial situation might disappoint you. But you can’t make plans without knowing about the money.</p>

3

<p>Couple of things:</p>

<p>It never hurts to have someone to talk to, especially if you’re stressed which it sounds like you are. Find a therapist – make an appointment – it will probably help.</p>

<p>Parents are people – flawed, imperfect, inconsistent. Who knows why they are treating you differently than your sister? Maybe they think you don’t need help.</p>

<p>Define “helping you get into an Ivy League” – what exactly should they be doing? Do you think parents can really help you get into an Ivy League? Sure, the “Tiger Mom” model of strict discipline and being on the Ivy League track from birth sounds appealing, but I don’t know if that works for everyone. The ambition and planning has to come from you. Maybe come up with one specific thing you want your parents to help with (paying for the summer program) and have a reasoned calm discussion with them where you make your point about why it would help you.</p>

<p>Lastly – are you a rising HS senior? I would spend a lot of time finding the schools who want you – Ivies are such a crapshoot – don’t get hung up solely on that as your goal.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

4

<p>What exactly do you want them to do? Scream at you if you’re not studying for the SATs?</p>

<p>Yes, you’re overreacting. The vast majority of parents do not go on to discussion forums to seek help. You seem to be doing just fine. </p>

<p>I agree with Mar about what your parents should be doing.</p>

5

<p>You’re overreacting. It IS your responsibility to apply to a summer program. And it IS their right to say ‘no’ if, for example, the program is too expensive. As many of them are. Why would you expect them to find you an internship?</p>

6

<p>don’t worry about it OP. your parents may just be treating you differently, because you’re simply a different person. what was best for your sister may not be what’s best for you (at least in your parents’ eyes). if you want a little help now and then, ask them for it. if they tell you that it’s your responsibility, then just shrug it off. it’s not such a big deal :)</p>

7

<p>I agree with Marian in #2.</p>

<p>If you need your parents to prod you to do things, then maybe you are not an ideal applicant for Ivy League schools. You are responsible for how you choose to spend your time, not your parents. Your parents can’t make you great. No one’s parents have that much power.</p>

8

<p>It sounds to me as if you really want someone to talk things out with, show an interest and support you, rather than someone to prod you.</p>

<p>You could try just initiating conversations with your parents about things in general. Ask their opinion about schools and so forth. For that matter, you could try asking them about THEIR concerns and the events of the day. :slight_smile: Think about whether you have a tendency to approach them only when you want something. </p>

<p>It sounds likely that they burned themselves out a bit with your sister, who sounds like a very different student, and did not expect any issues with you. I had that very experience with my own parents, years ago. I got a C in 7th grade, and my mother actually CRIED real tears when I showed her my report card. “We never expected this of YOU!” I’ll never forget it. Believe me, I was very, very reluctant to ever show them a report card again.</p>

<p>If necessary, tell your parents directly that you don’t want them to run the process for you, but you really need a sounding board and value their input. See what happens.</p>

<p>BTW, professors are not actually likely to be less “harsh” to parents. There are times when a parent can step in and get a recalcitrant administrator to pay attention when they would blow off a kid, though, and I think it is reasonable to ask your parents to help in those circumstances.</p>

<p>Why did I turn to CC? I have an only child and am a college admissions junkie. :D</p>

9

<p>Do you have a college counselor at your high school? If so, they are paid to help you with the process. Get to know them. They can look over applications, even summer program applications, and make suggestions regarding your essays. They probably have some books they could loan you that would help you refine your search.
I agree that finances may be an issue, as a lot of summer programs are pretty expensive. Also, many are not all that worthwhile. It might make just as much sense to get a job over the summer- not that this is easy in this climate. Even a volunteer position in an area of interest is great experience and looks good to colleges- better than expensive programs, actually.
Good luck, and please don’t focus on “the Ivies.” There are a lot of schools out there that will give you a great start on your future.</p>

<p>Regarding your parents: It’s possible that your parents aren’t helping you as much as they did your sister because they have more confidence in your abilities. Unfair, I know, but it’s human nature.</p>

10

<p>Yes, agree with #2.</p>

<p>Your parents may perceive the Ivy League schools as “too expensive” compared to the in-state public university (though if they are middle or lower income, the amount of financial aid some of them give may surprise them).</p>

<p>But many state universities are very good for math. Do not set yourself up for a letdown by thinking that the Ivy League schools are the only acceptable schools to go to, because most applicants do not get into any of them.</p>

11

<p>Thank you all for your kind and great advice. </p>

<p>Some things I would like to clear up
Our financial situation is…okay, I guess.
I mean, it’s funny how my parents are okay with offering to pay for my sister’s car, when they promised me that they would let me go to a summer program first. I reminded them a few times, but I don’t think they really cared. She has two jobs, and she could afford it if she didn’t waste so much money on really random things.</p>

<p>Sorry, I might have made a mistake when I was typing: I don’t care about Ivies all that much except for one certain Ivy. It has everything I like about a college. (cough, cough, Yale.) My dad wanted me to go to Stanford. But I guess I shouldn’t worry so much; I would be lucky if I even got accepted into these colleges.</p>

<p>I have mentioned several free programs, but then again, they do have travel expenses.</p>

<p>I definitely don’t judge colleges critically. Until I get into one myself, I don’t have much to say about them.</p>

<p>I’m so shy :frowning: And I feel embarrassed with having to talk with counselors or therapists. It’s not that I think I’m too good for them or anything like that, I just don’t want to bring up such an issue like this where they’ll probably laugh at me for being too young
@Marian: Thanks! I’ll try talking to them about financial issues once more. Hopefully they won’t get mad…
@Classof2015: That’s a really good point. However, I’ve been telling them how their support would mean so much to me. Yeah, maybe I was expecting too much, I just wanted some encouragement from them. Thank you!
@romanigypsies: Thanks, I wasn’t sure if I was posting something too attention-seeking; it wasn’t my purpose obviously, but it’s good to know that I should stop being so obnoxious :smiley:
@katliamom: Well, I do the applying, it’s just that my parents don’t give approval. For no apparent reason. They said that money wouldn’t be an issue, as long as I stopped talking to them about it. I’m not sure how that works if they don’t know anything about the program. Also, the prof. I contacted was quite persistent about talking to my parents about some general info about the internship. In the end, we did have an interview, but I don’t think the professor wants to accept me anymore.
@stressedouttt: Thank you so much! You made me feel a lot better :slight_smile: I’m sure that they want me to do well, also. They’re probably just saying it in a different way.
@NJSue: I don’t mind doing what is essential to be an ideal applicant;that’s the main reason why I joined CC. Maybe I should know my limitations, but anyhow, thanks a lot for the warning. I’ll watch myself next time.
@Consolation: Wow! Thanks for that personal story, it sounds just like what I’m going through. Haha, you really are a consolation! :slight_smile: I will most likely turn into a college admissions junkie when I grow up, too :slight_smile:
@moonchild: I do, but they don’t do much… I think maybe I’ll have an interview with one of them… Yeah, I applied for a job… Didn’t work out, haha. Thanks for your advice!</p>

<p>Wow. The most replies I got in my life. Thanks for the sympathy, everyone! I’ll definitely discuss things with my parents :)</p>

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<p>@ucbalamnus: Sorry, I didn’t see your post! But thank you! I definitely approve of state universities. I will probably be applying to some myself :)</p>

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<p>How they helped your sister might be a measure of what they felt she needed and how they are backing off with you (if that really is the case) may be a result of both what they feel you need (maybe they feel you are up for steering your own boat) and what lessons they learned from your sister. I have 4 kids and there is no way I will be parenting #4 the same as #1, both from what I learned and because they are such different people. If you are owning the process, you will own the rewards as well and not have to think it was due to your parents driving the process. I got on these forums with my #1 son who is very smart but more of a Tom Sawyer, getting me (Becky) to paint his fence (if you know what I mean). For #2, she is much more capable of deciding what she is looking for, but I ended up doing just as much research because I like to and now, I am a little more knowledgeable about the process - it is easier for me. I wish I drove the boat less and for #3, that is the plan. We will see. If you really are a control freak, maybe you should be glad your parents aren’t saying “state school was fine for your sister, you will go there, end of story.”</p>

<p>Like people before have said, you need your parents to tell you what budget you have (if any) and go from there. Ivy, state or cc, they can all lead you to the same endpoint.</p>

14

<p>^Thank you! That does make a lot of sense. I’m sure all your children are happy :D</p>

<p>I haven’t really thought of asking them about my budget, because I never asked them for much, honestly. There wasn’t really a choice, because back then, they bought a ton of prep books and classes for my sister who never even bothered to use them.</p>

<p>I will most likely apply to a good state uni. due to its really good science department and good teacher review.</p>

15

<p>The fact that they expect more of you may be cultural or it may just be a mesh of personalities. Sometimes one child will be a better fit with a parent’s style than another - that doesn’t mean they don’t love you though.</p>

<p>I agree that getting a handle on what they feel they can afford to spend on college is criticial. Show them financial aid calculators and see what their response is. Sometimes a parent will be willing to give more for a school like Yale than one they haven’t heard of. Sometimes the money really just isn’t there and you may really have to go chase merit aid or look for good public universities. </p>

<p>Unless your sister is a lot older than you, her unused prep books will serve you just fine. As to what you can do - you don’t have to go to expensive (or even free) summer programs. Colleges look highly on interesting volunteer and paid summer jobs as well. </p>

<p>Why am I here? I work alone at home and have an aversion to paying money for advice.</p>

16

<ol>
<li>You are overreacting.</li>
<li>It’s okay to control things too much, since most people don’t control things that much at all.</li>
<li>I went on CC forums originally because I couldn’t figure out where Carleton College was (I thought it was Canadian) and why they had such a self-image problem.</li>
</ol>

<p>So, “lazy” East Asian parents… hmm… does that really even exist?</p>

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<p>@PolarBearVsShark
Thank you for your honesty!
Haha, well at least mine. They just don’t put education first, if you know what I mean.
Where is Carleton College? Isn’t it in New York? Or Massachussetts?
They’re not exactly just sitting around looking at the wall XD</p>

18

<p>Carleton College is in Minnesota.</p>

19

<p>Keep in mind that the parental shoe is SUPPOSED to pinch about this point in life – otherwise you could end up watching TV in the family basement until you are forty (or sixty). Use your irritation to get moving. </p>

<p>Work really hard to see things from your parents’ viewpoint. How are you about the following:

  1. making dinner
  2. doing your own laundry
  3. housecleaning chores (sweeping, emptying the trash, running the vacuum)
  4. home maintenance contributions (painting the house, mowing the lawn, cleaning out the gutters)
  5. car cleaning/maintenance activities.
  6. family connection activities (calling Grandmother, sending Auntie a card, sending a graduation gift to cousin). </p>

<p>Basically there are whole worlds of activities that your parents deal with that you may barely register – or think that they are “easy” activities because your parents make them look easy. But they are not – and the folks may think you are a slacker/incompetent because you don’t “see” what needs to be done. </p>

<p>Shake a leg and repay some of the investments they have made in you (housing, clothes, meals, more meals) and see if they don’t perk up about your potential.</p>

20

<p>Let me say this as a math major (my undergrad degree)…</p>

<p>When I have free time, sometimes I review the graduate and undergraduate math programs of various schools and it turns out that I probably would not have selected any of the Ivies for a graduate math program (I ended up getting a M.S. in Engineering anyway) and probably would have been happy at Brown for undergrad.</p>

<p>Why?..because I was more interested in the relationship between math and computer science…always have.</p>

<p>Therefore, I would have selected a NYU, U-Wisconsin, or U-Illinois where the math and CS departments have a lot of cross-listed courses.</p>

<p>I said all of that to say that do not be so narrow-minded that is MUST be the Ivies or bust. I can show you the parking lot of some federal agencies doing national security work and the alumni tags are from everywhere.</p>