And There Goes Summer Vacation

College Life
1

So I’m new here, but I kind of needed a place to vent and…well…ask for some input. Noticed some people come on here for that, so I thought “why not”. I’m just gonna get straight to the point. This is mostly my relationship with my folks - my parents.

I’m a dual major, I’ve finished getting a degree in one of my majors, now I’m getting my second one. A bit about me, me and my folks haven’t always had a great relationship. They’re my folks and I’m their son, and we treat each other as so…to an extent. They run their own small business. It’s always been a struggle with my folks due to many choices they’ve forced onto me. I’d rather not go in depth, but mostly it was due in part to their business/company. It all reached a boiling point and I left when I was 19, and it wasn’t the best goodbye I gave them, it was literally me just packing my stuff without them knowing, and walking towards the door. When my mom asked me “where are you going?” I literally only stopped to turn my head and merely replied “I’m going.” and just left out the door. I’ve lived on my own for a few years, but thanks to today’s economy, I’ve had to move back in with them to focus on schooling.

Now that I’ve been back with them, it’s been the same since I was younger. They treat me as their son and I treat them as my parents…again, to an extent. What really riles me up is how they view it, now that I live under their roof, they get to order me around however they like when it comes to their business. I’ve worked with them before, and I still help out with it on the side whenever I can. Now for the past few semesters/seasons, I’ve been working away at my second degree - automotive engineering. That said, in no way am I boasting here or attempting to, but it’s a very hands-on and physically demanding job (especially when there’s no lift machine and you have to lift 500 lbs. transmissions onto your workbench on your own, etc.) and the way I scheduled it, I’m trying to powerhouse through my classes/courses because I’m getting older (I would like to get out there in the field before I get too old - nearing 30), so I’ve filled almost every hour I have available with class time. With that kind of schedule and that high-level of stress involved, the counselors could see that it was taking a toll on my psyche (nothing beats waking up in the morning and rushing off to school with breakfast in your mouth while running to class only to remember that it’s a Saturday, or waking up with your hand up at your side as if you were holding a ratchet or wrench, working away at a dreamt up engine), even my teachers said I was crazy for doing it this way.

Regardless, usually on summer semesters, the teachers take the semester off and that’s time the students intern at their local dealership or shop, I was bummed out because this summer, no dealership or shop would take me because they were all booked up on positions, but at the same time, I get to take my girlfriend out with my friends and do what I’ve always wanted, a real summer vacation, even bought tickets to a convention for July - a convention I had wanted to go ever since high school, but never had the chance to go, also had plans on improving my health (stress gets to you in the weirdest ways), even study a bit and get my ASE certificates, basically I get to relax a bit and focus on me (both psychologically and physically). But that wasn’t the case. We’ve been planning this for a month or two in advance now, only to have my mom tell me that I would have to take her shifts in the family business because my uncle (her sister’s husband) found out that he’s in the early stages of cancer. I’m not gonna lie, that got me a bit, he was a stand-up guy and everything. My mom wants to go and comfort my aunt (her sister), again, understandable. However, when I offered another solution - a temp hire - she went berserk. She took it as offense because as her son, I’m suppose to “just do it for the family”. Let me delve a bit back into my childhood. Ever since I was a kid, that’s always the excuse they used when they wanted me to do something I didn’t want. Whenever I didn’t want to do something, they threw a fit saying stuff like “you’re our son, how could you not do this!?” or “We gave you everything and this is how you’re going to treat us!?” etc. Like how they decided to open their business for X-mas and I wanted to spend what little time I had with my girlfriend for X-mas. Yeah, fat-chance, they do this every year, so what makes this year any different? And what do you know, there I was slaving away at the family business…Does anyone know the definition of insanity? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting and hoping for a different outcome…that’s insanity. Forgive me for saying this, but that’s insanity. Every time they want something from me and I didn’t give, they’d use that excuse and if I didn’t comply, my luggage would be out in the front yard ready to go (and yes, it has happened before, since I was 12, my stuff was literally in a pile in the front yard, waiting for me).

But back onto point, I offered her another solution - hire a temp. We have a temp agency just a few blocks down, “go to them” I thought. But again, as their son, I should’ve known better. When I told her of my plans for this summer, she just chuckled and scoffed with this reply (and I quote every bit of it) “Pfft, I don’t care about that.” Even though I told her it was the last summer I would have to myself, because the next summer I would be working at the dealership nonstop (we have at least 900 hours needed for internship and we only have 2 semesters to do it - and each semester is only 2 months, so needless to say, we’d be working 50 hours a week at minimum) and after internship I would be working away like crazy to make it to a master’s level. I even offered to pay for the temp myself out of my own pocket, I was trying to find some way to compromise so both of us would be somewhat happy at least, but no, same old line “you’re our son, you should be doing this for us”. My old man was no different, he believed in that same ideology, too “we took you back in, you should be grateful”. Basically the same reaction I got when I asked if I could get X-mas day to myself last year.

To be honest, after finding out I had nothing to do this summer, I just wanted this summer off so I could unwind a bit, experience what I’ve never experienced (was always a working man or at school all the time, etc.). Anyways, sorry for talking your ears off (or typing your eyes off…so to speak), mostly wanted to vent, but at the same time, anyone else have some inputs?..May be I should’ve just stayed homeless.

2

If no dealership would take you then why aren’t you looking for some other paying job? As a college student, it wasn’t beneath me to work menial jobs during the summer.

When do your parents get to just take the summer off-- you think you’re the only one with stress? Why is it incumbent on them to expend additional time, space, income to support you with no strings attached for you as you are approaching 30?

Maybe your parents could afford to hire a temp if they weren’t supporting you.

News flash: in college it’s called summer recess, not summer “vacation”

3

You seem to believe that I’m unemployed or leeching off of them, let me clear that up. The only thing they support me on is the very roof and that is all, my bills are paid by myself, no one else. As for other jobs, I have another job other than my help with their business. And again, if financing was a problem, I have stated already, I would have no problem paying for the temp out of my own pocket. Glad I could clear that up for you.

4

How about a compromise: you will take over your mom’s shifts, but still go to the convention since it’s something you planned in advance?

5

You live under their roof and a family member has cancer and needs help. No brainier to me. Too bad about the vacation. But that is part of being a grownup, you do what your family needs you to do.

6

Some family doesn’t treat their blood relations as family.

7

Here’s the thing about taking over mom’s shifts, I’ve been the dutiful son before, taking up my mom’s shifts when other emergencies have occurred and she had to be away. What my folks (especially my mom) like to do is say that they’re only gonna be away for a week (may be even two), and once I say okay to it, they’ll be like “Great, thanks son.” they fly off, then two weeks go past and I get a call “Hey sorry, we’re not gonna make it within two weeks, can you do it for a month instead?” and sometimes (when I don’t have anything else to do, I would be somewhat okay with it). Then a month passes by and “ring-ring” - another call - “Hey can you cover for another month, too”, etc. Eventually they’ve enjoyed their vacation on top of that said emergency. That’s one of my big worries. And it’s not just the con that has my semester occupied, we’ve planned things out for this summer (i.e. camping trip up north, beach venture, etc.) all way before this happened, beginning of the year as a fact (back-up plan in case internship didn’t go according to plan). You see, me and all my friends are kind of at a fork in the road (socially speaking), we’re all eventually gonna be busy with work (my friends are studying and getting into other trades themselves) and this is probably gonna be our big summer together, so we wanted to do this sort of thing, just never got the chance with schooling and work. On top of that, I’ve committed to already taking my certifications (one of the main reasons why I didn’t get picked for internship - which is something crucial to my graduation and future employment - was cause I didn’t have any certifications) while on summer break. Again, if I were refuse even on the phone when they call to extend, I already know (and heard before) the response “Oh, okay, we’ll be expecting you gone by the time we get back, bye.”.

And to the thing about my uncle (blood aunt’s husband) having cancer, yeah, that sucks, he’s been good to me, like a real uncle to me, my problem isn’t with that, or my folks going to see him, it’s the fact that we could do this another way, a way in which all parties would be satisfied if not somewhat happy, yet they want to do it their way. Keep in mind, my folks like doing things their way, even if it means screwing someone over. My cousin from my dad’s side even said he wouldn’t mind coming back to do some work for them and he’s currently unemployed (he’s already worked for them before in the past) and I just thought out loud to them “that’s practically perfect, let him do it, he’s currently unemployed, that would help both of you.” and like I said, here went the whole “How could you say that!?” etc.-alarm, followed by “you’re our son, you’re the one that should be doing it”. etc. Again, keep in mind that these are the same people that kept their business open on X-mas because they refused to do what a business consultant suggested (not gonna go into details about their business/work) which would’ve set them up financially for the end of the year (meaning I would’ve been off X-mas), but instead, they just brushed him off and did it their way instead. My main problem with them always throughout our past was that they just didn’t care about compromise (pfft, probably not even in their vocabulary), they don’t care who (in the immediate family - meaning me) gets the shaft up the you-know-what, as long as it goes their way, they’ll be happy, even if there were multiple other ways with no difference in result and risk. That’s my main problem.

Surprised I got back so many replies already, I appreciate guys. Still kind of P.O.'ed about how they’re going about it, but knowing my folks, I should’ve seen this one coming.

8

You’re almost 30, living with your parents, and you’re complaining because they ask you to help out? If working in their business is that bad, you need to get your own place and make your own rules. I can understand why you’re annoyed by having your plans messed up but you need to either cut the cord or make the sacrifice. It’s called being an adult.

9

^This.

10

Dude. Move out. Seriously.

11

So do this - tell your mom exactly which shifts you will take over from her. In writing. Spell out exactly - providing dates and times - when you’ll be at your convention, when you’re doing your certification, hanging out with friends. Tell them in advance, that if your mom isn’t available to pick up the slack in your absence that you’ll hire a temp. Something you said you can do out of your own pocket. This way you’ve accommodated your mom, you’ve made time for yourself, you’ve provided coverage at the business.

And then, move out. It’s time. For all of you. Unless of course you want this sort of thing to continue happening. Because it will!

12

Here’s the silver lining to the cloud - this whole dramatic mess with your parents is a huge motivator for you to move out.

The likelihood of your parents changing their minds on this appears to be slim to none. Since you are currently living with them, you ARE bound to their household rules. And, unfortunately, it sounds like those rules include doing miserable things like working for them for weeks with no formal end in sight. So EVEN THOUGH your parents have been demanding in the past and have often taken advantage of your free labor in their business, I hate to say it, but past behavior is usually a pretty good predictor of future behavior. Expecting your parents to suddenly see the world from your point of view is like expecting hell to freeze over. It’s not going to happen.

Their house, their rules. If you don’t like their rules, you have to move out.

I mean no disrespect with the following comment. If you cannot afford to be living in your own apartment or even in an apartment with a roommate or even renting a room in someone’s house, then clearly you shouldn’t be able to afford trips & vacations with your friends & girlfriend. So from that perspective, I kind of see where your parents MIGHT have a point there.

So EVEN THOUGH you had this awesome summer all planned out with lots of fun stays at the beach or wherever, stuff happened and it’s getting in the way of you having a more leisurely summer. Stuff happens sometimes that’s beyond your control. That’s life. You know what? A couple of years ago, my DH and I had an awesome family vacation planned. We’d been saving up for it for quite awhile and we were looking forward to it. But something came up and we had to use that vacation $$ and time off of work for something else.

It totally TOTALLY sucked. We didn’t get to go on the awesome vacation. We had to wait another year. It was really disappointing. But we got over it. And when we DID get to go, it was great. We dealt with it. That’s what is called being a grown up.

13

I forgot to also add that I understand your angst and frustration. I went through something a bit similar with my parents, too. Do whatever you have to do in order to finish the other degree on time, get the training you require in the internship, & move out from under your parents’ noses. And while you are doing that, start to develop a plan for long term financial stability so you will never ever have to ask your parents for help ever again. Clearly, it’s a situation in which the emotional price you have to pay is way too expensive.

In the course of achieving all of that, you will likely discover that you will earn your parents’ respect.

One time I went to my parents for help. I was desperately looking for a cheap apartment for DH & I to move into because we were moving back to my parents’ area (we’d previously been living a few hours’ drive away). Affordable apartments were very hard to come by. I pounded the pavement every day after work and time was of the essence because we had to vacate our old apartment by a certain date. I asked my mom if DH & I could live with them temporarily until we found a place to live. My mom told me, “At most, you can stay here for 2 weeks. We need our privacy.” I told my mom, “Thanks, but no thanks. I’ll sleep in my car in the Walmart parking lot & shower at the YMCA if I have to. We don’t want to inconvenience you.” A year later when my sister graduated from college & moved back in with Mom & Dad, she lived with my parents for 2 years rent free. 2 YEARS! I swore that I would never again go to them for anything. And you know what? My mom being a totally rude two-faced snot about it was a blessing in disguise.

Best of luck you! You will get through this. I’m sure you know what happens to carbon when it’s put under a tremendous amount of pressure. It turns into a diamond…one of the hardest & toughest substances on planet Earth. The pressure & heat (i.e., your parents) eventually goes away & dissipates, but the diamond lasts forever. You will persevere.

14

Why does this male bonding event have to take the entire summer?

15

To the moms that posted on here, thanks for the comments, I have put those in perspective before, sadly that’s the reason for my second degree/certifications - financing. Automotive is a lucrative business, not my first pick, but definitely more fun to me than others (with all due to respect to other trades).

Now to everyone who’s complaining of my age and living “at home with folks”, first off, I might’ve exaggerated my age, I still have a few years (not gonna date myself) till I hit the “big ol’ 30”, and if you think someone is less of a person for going back to their parents when there down in the dumps after trying to make it on their own, that’s bullcrap, I’ve known guys that are the hardest workers, worked 3 different jobs and are prime examples of “adulthood” (in your own words), but had to fall back to their folks after getting dealt a bad hand and they were past 30 (some in their late thirties), just like how I was making 3-4K a month with no problem, living the good life, on my own, till getting the ax (or whatever phrase you wanna use). I get it, their roof, their rules, but at the same time, not alot of people can deny that this is bullcrap, and for the whole “your uncle has cancer and you don’t wanna help?”, look I offered to pay for a temp out of my own pocket if that works, I even have a cousin that’s willing to come help cause he doesn’t have work himself, again my problem isn’t that they asked, the problem for me is that there are other ways to do this in which both of us would be satisfied. I can’t just stop what I’m doing just because of another crappy hand that was dealt to me (a really crappy one), I was willing to compromise, they weren’t. All of you throw me that bone, the whole “you’re old and can’t take care of yourself” bone, I doubt any of you that are throwing me that one had to move out of your own place, still hold onto the one job you had, trying to get extra hours or find a second job, all while living in your car for two months - yeah, I was homeless for two months.

May be coming onto this forum was a the wrong thing to do - whatever. I do appreciate what certain people have said to me, so I guess that’s all there is to it, so thanks to them.

16

I’ve expressed this here before, but when I left for college, I told myself I’d live in a cardboard box under a bridge before moving home again, and that a funny thing happens when you don’t give yourself any other choice but to make it on your own. You figure out how to make it on your own.

I think I hit the jackpot with my parents. Wonderful people, but they never wanted me to go away to college and had their own businesses that they would have loved for me to take over. But I had other ideas including wanting to live in another city and make it on my own - the way they did. So I decided going back there and taking the easier road was not an option, and that was that.

When people say they have “no choice,” my response is to say that everything in life is a choice. You may not always like your options, but that doesn’t mean you have no choices. Once you accept that everything in life is a choice, you will feel empowered and more in control of your life. Otherwise, you end up going through life with a victim mentality.

If you can accept that you chose to move home to work on another degree because (apparently) you felt it was better than the alternative, I think you’d feel better. Maybe your choices were a minimum wage job and finding a room in Craigslist vs. moving home. Still your choice, and you are still free to make another choice.

Not trying to be mean or harsh here. Just realistic.

17

No one is criticising you for moving back in w your parents to improve your life. Your parents obviously want you to better yourself; otherwise, they wouldn’t have let you move in.

What you are getting hammered on is your attitude that an adult living under another adult’s roof has no shared responsibilities. You complain that your parents are treating you like a child. Well, you’re acting like one.

Children have to be asked to help pull the cart. Grownups don’t.

18

Can you get a job with the degree you already have and move out using that income?

19

Well, you did that.

What you did (return to your parents to facilitate getting your second degree) had a price. You knew what the price was. You did it anyway.

Your parents seem to have the orientation to “milk” you (and vice-a-versa). Small business is extremely difficult. A huge percentage of such businesses only survive because family members contribute with minute financial reward. So your parents’ orientation is not surprising.

They seem quite resistant to paying “outsiders.” Perhaps it’s because letting money out of the immediate family is a small business no-no. Theoretically that money you have available for outside spending you could give to them.

I don’t think there’s much chance of changing your parents’ expectations, hence not much point in bemoaning them. Aside from a little cathartic relief, it’s unlikely to accomplish much, because they’re resistant to change.

So you have these options only:

  1. Have independence, emotional (but not necessarily physical) comfort and your second degree. Move out and get financial aid if available to you, or rough it.

  2. Have independence and emotional and physical comfort but not your second degree. Get job(s) as you are now, abandoning or going slow with the rest of your automotive engineering training.

  3. Have physical (but not emotional) comfort and your second degree. Go along with whatever your parents want for that “very roof” they give you in return, because you value it highly.