Another grade my essay

<p>Assignment: Is the world changing for the better?</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>The world has changed so immensely in the past few centuries that things that were commonplace then are virtually unheard of now. These changes have improved our qualities of life by providing medical advances, convenient access to information and an ease of communication, all of which have certainly made the world a better place.</p>

<p>In the olden days, having something as harmless as the flu could have killed you. Thankfully, antibiotics and other kinds of narcotics have been developed to make the flu nothing more but a slight setback that doesn’t last more than a couple of days. Advances such as chemotherapy have helped to make the lives of millions of cancer patients better. Innovations in medicine have made it rare to contract diseases that could make you terminally ill, and has hence extended life expectancies in countries all around the world.</p>

<p>With technology such as the Internet, information is only a couple clicks away. This easy access encourages young people to find out more about their interests, since getting information is almost effortless. It makes completing school assignments tenfold easier as well. As more and more young people acquire a thirst for knowledge, there will be more innovation and they can help to make the world a better place. </p>

<p>Lastly, technology has also made communication no problem for people living on opposite ends of the world. Social networking sites such as Facebook allow people to ‘post’ on each other’s ‘walls’ and to share pictures by ‘tagging’ them in them. This way, people can easily be updated on other people’s lives. If they want to talk face to face, they don’t have to fly across the Atlantic; they can simply open up Skype. The video-chatting software gives people the chance to see the other peson live on camera so that they can communicate just as they would if they were to see each other in real life. Communication has become increasingly accessible throughout the years, which in turn has helped improve our lives.</p>

<p>In conclusion, the evolvement of technology means the world will never stop changing. So far, it has already saved lives, made information accessible from almost any place and time, and made trans-Atlantic relationships possible with easier communication; who knows what else will develop in the future. Hence, it is absolutely true to say that the world is changing for the better, and will continue to for a very long time. </p>

<p>I used factual examples because I couldn't think of any literary or historical examples that would fit the prompt, and I'm not sure if this works because I've only ever seen people use literary/historical/personal examples in their essays.</p>

<p>Thank you for reading and grading!</p>

<p>Bump! Any graders? :)</p>

<p>I’d really appreciate if someone could score this for me :)</p>

<p>It’s not necessary to use literary or historical examples, although the use of such examples may lead to a richer essay and hence a better grade. But the themes that underlie your examples are fine, and these themes can be used to write a high scoring essay.</p>

<p>Structurally your essay is fine. You are on-topic with each of the examples, and that’s important. The essay is a draft and so some writing mechanics issues are expected. Your essay however has more writing mechanics problems than is acceptable for a high score (9+). In particular, your turn of phrase at various points in the essay is awkward – for example, “in the olden day”. “tenfold easier”, “could have killed you”, “made communication no problem”, etc.</p>

<p>How to make the essay stronger?</p>

<p>(1) Additional depth for each of the examples. The general themes (medical advances, internet, and social networking) are good – no problem here. However your development of the examples consists of simplistic observations. Consider taking a disease such as Polio or Smallpox that has been effectively eradicated through vaccines. Alternatively limit this example to vaccines. For social networking consider the impact use of Facebook and twitter has had in the Arab Spring revolutions. Etc.</p>

<p>(2) Improved writing mechanics. Keep practicing and have a teacher/mentor help you achieve a smoother writing style.</p>

<p>My sense is that your essay would receive a grade in the 6-8 range.</p>

<p>I would give your essay a 4/6</p>