My daughter really wants to go to a school in Nashville. She is a country musician, and writes her own songs. We have visited several times, and she really loves the city and the school. However, it is a 12-hour drive from home, and a 2 hour plane ride.
She has suffered with severe anxiety and depression for a few years now. She has an extreme fear of illness, which has turned into a general fear of leaving the house. Her anxiety manifests itself with physical symptoms, and she has anxiety-induced IBS and constant fatigue. She absolutely LOVES this school, but she is terrified of going away from home. I hate that her anxiety is standing in the way of this. I know that she would love being in Nashville, and I just want her to be happy. She has endured years of suffering, and I just want the best for her. But we are completely at a loss over what to do.
She has narrowed her decision down to this school and a state school 45 minutes away from home. I know that she truly wants to attend the school in Nashville, but that she is reluctant to commit because of the distance. I think she will feel like her anxiety has defeated her if she chooses the closer school. The decision has been tearing her apart. The deadline is approaching, and she has spent the past few weeks in constant anxiety and stress over this decision. I am at a loss for words. I honestly don’t know what to tell her at this point. With her anxiety, I’m not sure that she could handle being so far away from home. But at the same time, I do not want her to be unhappy and constantly guessing “what if” if she chooses the closer state school. I know what she wants to do deep down, and the fact that anxiety is keeping her from doing it is heartbreaking to me.
Does anybody have any advice for us? Did any of your kids have this much anxiety about going away to school? Please help. Any words would be appreciated. Thank you.
I feel that in this case from what you described she should stay close to home. remember it does not make her “weak” or something like that …it is the cards she was dealt. but having a support system close by to me is very important! can or do you have a 3rd party (mental health professional) discuss with her and or you the pro and cons of going that far from home? the idea I think would be for a 3rd party help your family come to a conclusion together.
Can your daughter take a gap year during which time she can work with a therapist and perhaps try medications? The school in Nashville might delay her matriculation until 2017 if she were to ask.
You should seek out and take the advice of a professional in this matter. While I understand that Nashville might be ideal in some ways, it sounds like first and foremost your D needs the right level of support to move ahead.
Yes, sorry I forgot to mention in the OP that she has been seeing both a psychologist and a psychiatrist for the past year. She is also on anxiety meds. Nothing seems to be helping at this point. We have set up both a psychologist and a psychiatrist for her in Nashville so that she has a support system if she decides to go. Thanks to all for your advice. This is going to be a very difficult decision for her.
I guess I was just wondering if anyone else’s child has gone through something similar. Is it possible to overcome the fear of being away from home? I don’t want her to choose the school in Nashville but be unable to enjoy it due to constant homesickness.
if she is on meds and the issue is well controlled with those meds and you trust her to take the meds and also if needed to seek additional cognitive therapy it maybe doable. but I agree 100% with chedva!
The psychologist and psychiatrist are also at a loss of what to say. They have mentioned several times that my daughter is the only one that can make this kind of decision. They can’t make this choice for her, because only my daughter knows what she wants. However, I do believe that both are pushing for the Nashville school. They truly believe that she has a much greater chance of being happy there, and I think the psychologist has faith that she might be able to overcome this. I am just extremely worried about her getting down there and freaking out and hating it. I know she can always transfer, but that is another production in and of itself.
If the school in Nashville lets her defer for a year then she could use the year to live a bit farther from home (maybe in Nashville, maybe some other city closer). She could work while still talking with psychologists and undergoing CBT or something similar. That way she could see if her anxiety will hamper her functioning away from home. If she really struggles she can quit her job and move back home for the rest of the year and stay for college.
If she’s away at the school in Nashville and does struggle it may be hard to transfer since struggling often relates to academic performance.
I’m wondering if she has ever been away from home (camp, visiting relatives, summer program, etc), and if so, how did she do? Some people with issues such as your daughter’s thrive when they are away from their comfort zone and others fall apart. Sometimes when a person is suffering like your daughter is, the family enables them, which is understandable. Its not until they are on their own that they can become empowered. The fact that her doctors are okay with her going means they think nothing terrible will happen if she gives it a try.
If it’s possible to find a living set up at this Nashville school that is more comfortable for her that might help. For example, she might be happier in a suite with a private bathroom or she might prefer living in a substance free or quiet dorm rather than a large party dorm. I hope whatever she decides she enjoys herself and her new experiences
You have gotten some excellent responses so far. Sometimes being in an atmosphere that is really stimulating and that you love can keep you busy and excited and thus potentially reduce your bouts of anxiety. If this is her dream school, I think she should go for it. But having said that, it would be good for her to take some measures ahead of time to help reduce her anxiety. Knowing people there instead of going someplace where you are all alone at first and know no one can be really helpful. Can she arrange to do an overnight stay at the campus to get a feel for what it’s like? Perhaps if she meets people she likes, she can exchange phone numbers and keep in touch with these students so that when she gets there in the fall, she will know somebody. If she has any special interests for clubs, etc. perhaps she can meet some like-minded people there too. Another idea is to enroll her in a summer program in the Nashville area…all the better if her dream school has summer school. This way, she could try it out…both the school and being away from home. What I would do is accept admission to both schools now, and then try the Nashville summer school option. If she loves it, great…then she can stay there in the fall. If not, and she’s too anxious and doesn’t feel like it’s a good fit after all, then she still has the other school to go to. You pay the deposit to hold a space at both schools. I think that is a small price to pay for the option to decide. That way, she really has until the end of the summer to make up her mind, and she has the experience of being in Nashville for a trial period without making a huge commitment. Perhaps she can take baby steps now so that by the fall, she is both ready and excited about starting her dream school. I would hate to see her anxiety hold her back from attending the school she really wants to attend.
This is sort of above my advice pay grade, but as somebody who used to be afraid of everything as a teenager, that doesn’t really go away until you start doing stuff that really scares you. Each triumph made me a little braver, and each failure made me a little wiser.
Back when I was a kid if nerves made you sick to your stomach they called it “nervous stomach” and sent you home with some Tums. I was probably in my late 20’s before I was able to really get a handle on that. It was what it was, I just sort of soldiered through it (once I was doing whatever I was stressing about it went away).
So, I took a lot of really big steps (like moving to a foreign country by myself at 19) because I didn’t want to be afraid of everything my whole life.
Thinking about this: you and her dad must have some anxiety about her going away and conveying it, which i totally understand. The best thing, imo would be to show your daughter you have faith in her and know she will be okay. Remember she can always transfer to the school close to home if need be. She should go for it despite her fears. Giving into them is more comfortable, but doesn’t improve your quality of life.
If she really wants to try, then be her cheerleader. Let her know that you believe in her, that she can do it. And then let her know that she has a soft place to land if it doesn’t work out. That whatever she wants is OK with you - you won’t be disappointed in her no matter what she decides. She sounds almost like a baby bird learning how to fly. She’ll never learn if you don’t allow her out of the nest.
As Eleanor Roosevelt once said: “You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
And Mary Schmick said: “Do one thing every day that scares you” (often incorrectly attributed to Mrs. Roosevelt)
(Please do not misunderstand me; I am not minimizing mental health issues. But it sounds like she thinks she might be ready, and needs reassurance.)
Thank you so much to all of your for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate all the advice and suggestions you have given. Right now, she is leaning toward taking the leap and trying it out. My husband and I are very supportive of this decision, because I feel that if she doesn’t try, she will always be guessing “what if.” I guess all we can do at this point is prepare as much as we can, and then cross our fingers and hope for the best! Thanks for all your advice.
Your OP struck me as if you all feel that this is a permanent condition. It can be treated, but I suspect that she might need a new psychologist and psychiatrist. Please try to find a psychologist who is very experienced in using CBT as a treatment modality for anxiety. And the psychiatrist should be trying different meds and/or different doses until the right one is found. Think of it as a work in progress, knowing that in the end she will get effective treatment. But don’t be afraid to switch providers if it’s not working with the ones she has now.