Anxious daughter unhappy at school

Parents Forum
21

Thank you everyone for your responses. I contacted someone at New Student Services and they have protocols in place for this sort of situation. They will contact her profs to see if they’re is reason for concern academically and D’s residence hall director to check in. Then they will reach out to meet and discuss her options. (They also gave her the option of calling them first, which she promised to do today. I’m going to nag until it is done.) I’m trying to get in touch with a college-local therapist to set that up. Since we’re only 1.5 hours away, I’ll drive out to take her to the appt. She did go to class yesterday and said she was feeling a little better, which was a relief!

@LilyMoon, your son’s situation was very similar to what D is going thru. Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I feel like we have a lot of options now.

22

My DD has anxiety …It is vital that you get it under control ASAP…College is a giant bowl of anxiety. Everything is new…your friends, where you live, what you eat, where you go to school. Up until now usually only one of those things would change at a time.

My DD has anxiety…she had always been more “clingy” but we didn’t really know until HS when she was doing things out side of her comfort zone. I could see instances where she just couldn’t join the choir when they were singing in front of he entire school (she loves singing, and could do the concert for the parents) or go to a football game and meet someone…she had to stay in the car until she could see them and then she could go. She got to a tipping point and then saw a psychiatrist and was put on meds. The next year she was voluntarily singing by herself over the intercom to the entire school.

One thing we did when choosing schools is to take anxiety into account…
When looking for a school, she limited herself to schools within two hours of home. She ended up an hour a way which is perfect…far enough to feel freedom, but near enough that we could help out or she could come home if necessary.
We also looked at the orientation program…the one she picked had a Welcome Week where you did activities with people on your floor so you could meet people, had a Community Advisor so you had a peer mentor if you need it, had a service that delivered prescriptions to the campus.

I would suggest to people that when you go to visit colleges or go to orientation that you find out where the Counselling center is and walk her over there so she is familiar with it.

This past semester my DD was having trouble with Chemistry so I kept telling her to get a tutor…it wasn’t until someone walked over with her to the tutoring office that she got one.
She has problems calling people…it helps her if I give her a script to use.

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Therapists are not allowed to bill insurance companies for Skype sessions, especially out of state. I’ve gotten permission from be/bs for a few sessions, as an adjustment until the young person has a local therapist. Every college counseling center I’ve contacted has a list of approved therapists, that are on the college insurance plan and are local. Sometimes i receive referrals because the college therapist knows that the student will need long term treatment. My friend in Cambridge has a relationship with Harvard and MIT students and staff.

24

Chiming in to echo that you are not alone. One of my Ds ended up coming home after 4 months and she is still with us, 4 years later, it’s been pretty serious. My other D took a medical leave, was home for 8 months, is back at school now and doing very well. Both have depression/anxiety and are on medications and in therapy. We’ve been through hell, but the silver lining is they are communicative with us, fighting hard for their health and not resorting to self-medicating, such as drugs, alcohol or promiscuity. It’s always reassuring to hear that you are not alone.

25

My kiddo has had panic attacks and social anxiety since puberty. So did I. So did my mom. They run in our family, and for folks who are too scared to take meds…they are absolutely devastating. I have two aunts who don’t leave their homes. Two things run in our family…crazy anxiety and academic talent. They are often at odds with each other.

My mom, who was brilliant in every other capacity… was of the old school belief that you don’t take pills. Ever. She was terrified of meds, probably due to horror stories from members of previous generations with the same genetic issues, who were treated terribly by early psychiatry. This fear and bias made things pretty tough for me.

In college, I tried meds against her wishes and behind her back.

I was stunned…at the sensation of contentment and pleasure…experienced by people who don’t live under constant attack from their own nervous systems. I remember thinking to myself…My God…is life really this easy for normal people? Removing that constant layer of irrational fear and worry changed my life completely.

On top of inheriting bad neurochemistry…I had all the learned behaviors of being raised by a mom with untreated severe anxiety. Those are more challenging to fix. But when I had a kid, I decided I was going to end the cycle…so I’ve worked really hard on being aware of these things in my life and in my approach to parenting.

When my kid went through puberty and started having the same issues…we addressed it in a meaningful way.

We both take SSRI meds for GAD, We’re both functional people who have normal ups and downs, normal anxieties, but do not live lives consumed by worry and stress.

Sometimes crippling anxiety is not “some hidden problems you just need to talk through”. Sometimes it’s the neurological equivalent of diabetes…just a simple chemical imbalance. A hereditary wildcard that is just bad luck to draw.

Dealing with anxiety can certainly MAKE you depressed, though. It affects relationships. it affects your work. Something about ending up in the bathroom randomly because you have to cry and rock and bounce your leg up and down until your heart feels like it isn’t going to explode anymore…can really mess with normalcy and self esteem. Anxiety sucks. Anxiety attacks are inconvenient and miserable. Worse…your brain is working…it’s saying…this is stupid, it’s screwing up my life…while your fight or flight reaction is off the chart and it feels like you’re about to be hit by a train.

Sometimes the solution honest to God really is…just taking a pill every day and feeling a whole lot better.

And look…I know meds are abused, and they can have unwanted side effects, and they’re expensive and a pain…

But sometimes they are a freaking miracle. Night and Day change to your life.

When I compare several members of my extended family who cope with our familial anxiety disorder by

  1. Going to therapy only.
  2. Praying.
  3. Taking meds and going to therapy
  4. Alternative medicine and meditation
  5. Taking an SSRI prescribed by a family doctor

The folks who seem the most sane and happy…who live the most normal lives and complete their goals…who have the healthiest relationships with their kids…are the folks who have talked frankly to their family doctors about the severity of anxiety in our family, and tried an SSRI.

it’s not a perfect study, because obviously there are some other variables at work…but anecdotally, it’s enough for me to believe that my anxiety has little to do with events in my life…and everything to do with chemical deficiencies in my head.

Not trying to sell anyone on meds…you should do what works best for you and no one else.

But I did want to try to take a little of the fear out of the use of meds, the stigma of being on them, and the decision to try them.

26

Just a side note to please refrain from comparing anything to diabetes. Type 1 is an autoimmune disorder that is life long with no cure, and it entails vigilant focus 24 hours a day for all the days and months and years of one’s life. It can be immediately life-threatening. I have kids with serious medical and mental health diagnoses, so I understand the anguish expressed above, but type 1 is a permanent sentence to living with intense and well-founded anxiety for both child and parent. It is not a “simple chemical imbalance.” It is very very complicated.

27

Oh, that’s so hard. Boy, that brings up a lot of adolescent memories for me of similar panicky moments when everyone else was making plans together and I was the one left out!

I suppose she wouldn’t feel confident enough to go ask someone else if they’d room with her? It might look from her perspective as though everyone else is already hooked up, but I bet there are actually a lot of other people in the same boat as her. But it might take more courage than she’s feeling right now to go and ask someone and risk rejection.

I think it will definitely be good for her to think about her options – whether that means taking fall semester off next year to live at home and get a job for a while, or doing a gap year program next year, or whether it means thinking about transferring to another school. Even if she doesn’t end up choosing any of those options, just thinking about them may help her feel less trapped and not as though she’s condemned to stay at this school no matter what. Just having that “exit plan,” if she needs it, could help her feel better.

28

@bopper You nailed one of the key issues for a young adult in college, struggling with anxiety (which often coexists with depression). There are resources available on campus like tutoring, therapy, and disability services - BUT the student herself must access these resources AND follow up on a regular basis. It is quite a conundrum. The very skills necessary to access these important services are often the very same skills that are adversely affected by the anxiety, etc.

My best advice is one that many will criticize - if you have a child that fits this description, whether she is already in college or to start in the fall - the parent needs to be involved each step of the way. There are forms the student can sign to waive privacy so that the parent can communicate directly with care providers on campus as well as disability services. I am convinced that heavy, early involvement on the part of the parent, with continued supervision (monitoring communications to be sure the student is following up appropriately,for example) is absolutely necessary. It is a common problem for kids to HATE to send emails or make phone calls. YES these are necessary life skills but if the lack of the skill up front is making it impossible for the kid to access support services, then some intervention is warranted.

The biggest problem, it seems to me, is that even the college disability services people have trouble knowing how to handle this sort of “disability.” It is not easily measured or documented, for example. I have a child in college who has these issues and at his first school, the disability process was flexible and helpful. At the current college, not so much. Although my child had been told at the time of admissions that his paperwork from the previous school would carry over to the new school, that is not what happened. Instead, the dean in charge openly scoffed at the paperwork, told him to go away until he had documentation. I had to call to find out what documentation was required and after much effort, I was given a list of “tests,” none of which are relevant for his diagnoses. And this school is a well-known, high quality LAC. Live and learn.

29

@profdad2021

I’m not criticizing your advice (parent involved in each step of the way) and in fact, that would be my first choice.

However, in our situation, from the beginning of senior year in HS, our D made it clear to her therapist and the psychiatrist that she did not want her parents heavily involved. She wanted her privacy and to be in charge of her treatment plan.

It was decided fairly early on, the team was going to treat her as an adult (versus parents heavily involved or family therapy). There is a lot she does not want to share with us.

I’m a little envious of the parents who have students who are willing to communicate about their struggles, and who welcome parental involvement & advice. Ours does not.

We continue to make an effort to love and accept the daughter we do have, instead of wishing for one who would think & behave differently. It’s not easy, the path isn’t always clear, we question and doubt, but we’re trying to keep our eye on the big picture (preserving our relationship).

Parenting is not for sissies!

30

Many colleges will not tolerate parental involvement. Advocacy and support can of course be done privately, directly with the kid, but often schools just won’t deal with parents. Yes a release will help, and yes you can insist, but it may make it harder for the kid to come back after a leave: reentry requires proving you can function independently and effectively on your own.

And disability services really aren’t all that helpful at many schools. They have been characterized as “guard dogs of the curriculum,” meaning they make for a barrier to cross before getting accommodations. Often a dean or other administrator is more directly involved in student support.

Of course, disclaimer, schools all vary on this stuff.

31

Figured I’d chime back in! When I say that I’m involved…my adult child does not tell me much, if anything, about therapy, what is talked about, etc. I don’t know MOST of what goes on in his head. And being involved has to be something that he wants. Occasionally I over-step. At his current college, I have had almost no involvement with anyone on campus; some involvement with him.

I guess my main point as I ramble and ramble is this: For a kid with pre-existing mental health concerns, going off to college is a BIG deal. As a parent paying for college and maintaining some parenting authority - there ARE rules that can be put in place, rules that are established in an open two-way conversation. For example, regardless of WHO makes the arrangements, the parent can require that the student be established with a local therapist at the start of the semester and keep regular appointments.

To take this in a more serious direction (outside my own personal family experience) - I read a lot about the growth in college enrollment for children with mental health issues. There is a growing acceptance that young adults with mental illness will go to college. And frankly, some mental illness in the late teens can abate somewhat in a few years. And at some point, there is a choice to be made - what ARE the pathways to an independent adult life that exclude college? They are few and far between. So while it might be nice to say…okay, the college prefers the kid be on his own so I will stay out of it entirely, for SOME kids, that is an approach not likely to lead to college completion.

@Midwest67 – I have wished for years that there were a VERY DETAILED guidebook for all of this. I am still searching. If anyone out there finds one, please post a note about it on CC!

32

Encourage her to stick it out. Chances are more time will help. It takes time to find your niche and make genuine friends. Take classes you love. Join clubs where she’ll meet kids with the same interests. Get outside yourself, and join a community service club. She will find her niche, but she can’t be in a rush. Get her to talk to her academic advisor in addition to a counselor at the Health Center.

33

Well, we’re still at it, trying to figure things out. She has met with New Student Services and they have assigned her a Peer Mentor that she is talking to today. In the meantime, I have set her up with a local therapist, and since it is a little bit of a distance from campus, I’m driving out to take her to the appointments (we’re only about an hour away). She is too scared to take the local bus into town.

Academically, the office we’re talking to has started an assessment to see where she is academically. There are only 4 weeks left in the semester and we’d hate to see her give up with the end so close, but she thinks medical withdrawal is the best thing for her. I’m hoping that if we get a list of the work she has to finish, it won’t be as bad as she thinks, and we can get her thru to the end. I am willing to stay in town thru the week so she has a quiet place to work and sleep, basically letting her commute for the last few weeks. Hoping that being out of the toxic dorm environment might serve to focus her mind on the work and not the social issues.

Anxiety is so tough! I have struggled with depression myself, but the anxiety factor is so difficult to fathom. We’re just being gentle and accepting with her and trying to let her decide what is best. Thank you to all of you for your comments – I have learned a lot about what is possible for her without catastrophizing the situation.

34

@Anxious711 You say she is too scared to take the bus…Is it that she is too scared to take the bus, or too scared to take it for the first time and figure it out? Because if it is the latter, maybe you would go out and ride the bus with her so she knows how to do it.

35

Decision has been made; she’s taking a leave from school. This will allow her to come back in the fall or spring next year and start back up where she left off. Hopefully with a lot of love and understanding here from us and her therapist we can get her back to school and happy. Thank you all again for your advice!

36

good luck @Anxious711. I understand more about this kind of situation than I would ever say in public (CC). You and your daughter have all my sympathy.

37

@Anxious711 Make sure she has talked to the dean of students about how to take a leave properly according to school rules. Sometimes the best thing is to get your health/mental health situation in order and then return to college when you are ready.

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@Anxious711

Your D is lucky to have your love and support.

Is she able to finish out this semester?

Best of luck to your family!

39

Anxoius 711 did they let her leave without W’s on her transcript?

40

We also went through this. D decided to take a year off. During the year off she was able to find the right medicine and start therapy. One year later, she returned and is continuing to get better. There have been many bad days but the good days are starting to outnumber the bad.

Bottom line, taking time off was the best thing to do in our case. Academically she had no real problems coming back up to speed. Socially it was harder but having the anxiety under better control has made a big difference. My suggestion is not to be too quick to have her return. Nothing comes before your mental and physical health. Listen to your gut and hers. Get guidance from her doctors but trust your instincts.