any ideas for motivating high school sophomore?

Parents Forum
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<p>Well I agree with you that merely "understanding" you will have fewer choices doesn't neccessarily prompt action, I'm not sure what's the best way to provide an example of this.</p>

<p>I think back to my own growing up and I know that I had the benefit of 'multiple children' in a family as was mentioned earlier. It was clearly established in our house that Mom & Dad would not "make" anyone go to college. It was too expensive a proposition with 7 children. My parents were always willing to help any of us get to college (& partially pay for it), but no one was going to go if they didn't demonstrate that they wanted to be there.</p>

<p>For ex. 3 of my older sibs did go to college after hs grad., but two others did not (& their hs grades reflected their lack of interest in continuing their education beyond hs at that point in time). However, my parents told them they needed to get jobs. So they did...one worked in insurance & one worked for a bank and then for IRS as a clerk. They both also had to start paying "rent" ( a minimal amt.) to help them learn about handling living expenses. </p>

<p>My point is, I got to see both options in front of me via my siblings paths. So it really helped me see that there was nothing wrong with getting a job after hs, or going to college after hs. My parents would support me either way, but I knew I had to be doing something constructive with myself one way or the other!
So if the OP can talk frankly with her son about life after hs, it can help him see that work & motivation now (or lack of it) will impact his choices 2 yrs from now.</p>

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<p>thanks, BassDad, for the info about the educational evaluation. I asked because I wasn't sure what type of person to turn to and I had exactly the concern that Down2go and others raised about not making him feel that he has something wrong with him. </p>

<p>Down2go, thank you for telling me about your kids. I'm remembering,through this discussion, that so much goes on under the surface. While my D told me everything, my S has learned not to. (I'm sure I blew his trust in Middle School when I learned he'd been bullied and, when our suggestions about how he handle it didn't make things better, I called a teacher I trusted. But there was no way she could do anything without my S's name coming up--and her actions didn't make a difference, anywy. Those kids finally moved.) </p>

<p>Like your kids, he, is so great to be around, so fun and bright--but he has started to use IM as a substitute for a social life. (So songman's words about AIM struck a chord, as did one parent's idea that her kids should always have a book at hand. It's been years since that's been the case here.)</p>

<p>jlauer95, that is a great idea about taking him out to dinner. It's been a long, long time since my husband or I have done that. When I think about why, I know it's that he is not as demanding as our D was. Spending time alone with him, regularly, could give him a predictable time to say what he might want to. Also, about your question regarding his goals. I have asked and tried to do this in an interesting way (well, probably interesting only to me.) But I truly think he doesn' t have clue. Frankly, he gets frustrated whenever we talk about that--rejecting any thought of going to a cool summer camp or doing an internship. Over the years, i've noticed that it takes another adult or older kid to get him to try something new. I'm going to think about who might "happen to" call him to come learn about robotics or help them out in tutoring kids. </p>

<p>I spent time iwth him last night talking about his getting a weekend job--as one person suggested--and that got him excited. I also talked with him about taking a class at the C. College over the summer and he surprised me by saying, "yeah, maybe in chemistry." All in all, I haven't thought enough about how to help him get ideas about careers in an interesting way.</p>

<p>The theme here seems to be time. Helps to realize that.</p>

<p>Sorry this is so long--but I do want to let you know that I am reading carefully and trying to think through, with my husband, what seems right for our S. I wish I could thank all of you sufficiently.</p>

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<p>Songman--we ARE living parallel lives. If it wasn't for the internet, I don't think my second son would have any friends. But he keeps in touch with a lot of people that way. One person he hadn't seen since 5th grade saw his name on Facebook and contacted him. He is not shy online, but it is kind of hard for him in real life, unless he is very comfortable in his environment. He is actually doing pretty well (second year at UChicago). I thought it would be too intense/competitive/hard, but the atmosphere there seems to be just so well suited to him, (so many like him there, I guess!) he is coming out of his shell there. He just seems more relaxed now and comfortable with who he is than he ever did. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, probably triggered by some of the discussion on this thread, and I think for my kids the environment they are in is so so important. People talk about "fit" here a lot, and seem to go overboard, but you know, when a kid finds it, finds his place, it is just so great. </p>

<p>And Junebug, wow, my second son sounds similar in some ways to yours. I begged him to go to summer camp, looked up all KINDS of interesting things and he refused. He basically never went anywhere until summer after jr. year. He got the mailing from Harvard Summer School and decided he wanted to go. It was pricey, but I rationalized that we had spent $0 dollars on summer stuff on him up to that point, so we sent him off. I know there are those on here that pooh pooh these kinds of programs, esp. Harvard Summer School, but for him it was a very good experience. The classes were fine and he did well, but more importantly he learned a lot about himself and what he wanted while there. It got him into a new environment and expanded his horizons. </p>

<p>My daughter went to Concordia Language Camps after her sophomore year, and it has sparked an interest in languages, and she is trying to self study in order to take Spanish 2 (skip beginning Spanish) her senior year. Very motivating. And the reason we sent her there was because she didn't get into a science program COSMOS, and she was so looking forward to going away, and so we scrambled and came up with the German camp kind of late in the spring. And now she wants to go back again (it would be her third summer doing that if she does) and spend a year in Germany before college. Funny how some of these things that you just stumble onto can set one on a completely different course. I'm actually trying to get her to consider a couple of things for this summer, but what she really wants is to do something with languages, so that is probably what she'll do. She is pretty stubborn once she makes up her mind about something. </p>

<p>These programs are a little pricey, but it seems like finding something like that, where your kid can find others his/her age that are interested in the same things he is can be very motivating. It could be a team sport, it could be band camp, it could be some science thing, but something that gives a child a feeling of belonging to something worthwhile and a sense of accomplishing something important to him, (along with some positive stroking by coaches/teachers/camp counselors/peers) if you can find it, can be a very good thing.</p>

<p>Oh, and if you do go out to dinner, go somewhere that requires a bit of a drive. Something about being in a car, not having to make eye contact can get my sons talking on a wide variety of topics, some that wouldn't come up any other way.</p>

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<p>MSTEE- you said: "If it wasn't for the internet, I don't think my second son would have any friends. But he keeps in touch with a lot of people that way".</p>

<p>How old is your second son?</p>

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<p>You gave me an idea, mstee. He got one of those invites to a leadership program, but he assumed everyone got one and I told him that wasn't true. Maybe I can circle back around on that--and call some of the colleges to send info. Maybe even Concordia. Thanks.</p>

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<p>He's nineteen. And he does have friends, but the way they keep in touch is through the internet. He is keeping in touch with his high school buddies that way. And because they keep in touch, they get together and do things over break--nerdy things like playing bridge, but actual real time get togethers, you know? So, the internet helps his social life, I think. I don't think he would keep these connections as strongly if he had to write a letter or make a long distance phone call, as would have been the case not that long ago (before AIM, before cell phones). Technology has been a boon for this kid.</p>

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<p>Same goes for my daughter, 16, who is kind of a half nerd. Because of IM, she keeps connections with some of her old friends that I'm sure would have dropped away by now (they go to different high schools). She doesn't like to call people, esp. if she hasn't seen them for awhile, but IM (or whatever it is, I confess I don't use it myself, so it is still kind of a mysterious thing to me!) makes it easy to re-connect with these friends.</p>

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<p>Oh, just noticed a mistake I made above, it was after freshman year that my daughter went to Concordia Language Camps for the first time. I know, probably doesn't matter, but I noticed it and feel compelled to make the correction.</p>

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<p>Junebug: If you think that your son will "respond" to both you and hubby going out to dinner with him, then do it. My own boys seem to "reveal" more when my husband (their dad) is not there. It's not that my hubby isn't "caring", I think it's just that teenage boys are less comfortable about revealing vulnerabilities in front of their dads (a male ego thing). If you think that your son will be less inhibited by his dad's presence, then make it just the two of you. Best wishes......and a prayer.</p>

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<p>Reading about the IM's and computer gaming reminds me that there is a lot of stuff going on socially at this age and it's really in high gear sophomore year. A lot of the stuff that's going on isn't wholesome or healthy. It can be a real challenge to find ways to get out and have fun with friends when more and more friends are slipping into the party scene. Lots of kids who aren't comfortable with the party scene retreat into video games and IM'ing for awhile. That's one of the good things about EC's -- they give you a way to interact with peers that doesn't involve holding their hair out of their face as they throw up.</p>

<p>IM'ing also continues the daytime dramas and angst into the evening. When we left school, we left most of the drama and angst behind for the night. We could only talk with one person at a time on the phone and our parents yelled at us to get off the phone because we were tying up the line. We didn't find out until the next day in the halls that Suzie broke up with Kenny. Now, Suzie and Kenny break up online at 10 at night and everyone is involved, everyone is giving advice as the breakup unfolds. The dramas and angst may seem important to be part of in order to maintain your place on the social scene--and it's certainly exciting stuff, but kids need a reprieve from that and if they're online all the time, they're not getting it.</p>

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<p>MSTEE- My kids also keep in touch with friends from camp,former schools etc. But I fear in the process the face to face communication,ability to converse with strangers, explore and discover new skills or EC's are weak. When my S said "That he would like to meet a girl and date, but he doesn't know what to say or how to communicate" that is when I realized that the internet has not been a total blessing for my kids. Even though my D has tons of friends and is more extroverted then he is,she still has trouble communicating with adults and boys. She refuses to answer the phone in our home and screens all the calls. She leaves all stranger calls to us. A far cry from years ago when my sister back in the 60's would beat anyone to the phone in a flash- Both of my kids refused, despite our forcing the issue ,to join any athletic activities. I suspect that kids that are into sports learn these improtant skills more than the internet junkies do.</p>

<p>I am not as eloquent as some of the CC posters but somehow I believe that the negative side to all the technology that we have is that it has allowed us to concentrate our communication to only targeted audiences....in the process however we do not learn how to communicate with the non target audience- the one group that kids need to focus /excel with for college apps, job interviews and for developing a strong career- and also just for basic life skills......</p>

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<p>songman--yes, the internet has a definite downside, and we went through that. My second son was absolutely addicted to games freshman and sophomore year, and it did come up in his college interview to Grinnell. The interviewer (admissions person in this case) asked him why his test scores were so high and did not match up with his grades and he told her it was he was addicted to the internet for a couple of years. At least he's honest. We went through some battles in high school, me trying to get him off the computer. A friend asked why I didn't get rid of the computer, but you know, I couldn't, because he is one of those computer geeks that is so smart, I just knew that it would be taking something very important away. Whatever he does with his life, with his career, computers will be part of it, probably a big part. He wasn't just playing games, he taught himself to program and so on. I did try disconnecting the keyboard a few times and that caused some ugly scenes. Finally, I gave up and backed off, left it up to him. Kind of like overeating, I guess. The person has to figure himself that he has a problem. Thankfully, he somehow came around on his own.</p>

<p>I don't know what happened, but something changed his senior year in high school. (After the summer program I mentioned above). Maybe it started before then, but it became more obvious senior year. He was really lucky, he had a small group of friends that went through all the math classes together (I think all of them were <em>mathletes</em>) who at some point kind of took him under their wing, and finally, senior year, things gelled and he started taking care of himself. I don't mean outwardly, just somehow, becoming more relaxed, and feeling okay about himself. I noticed that those kids and other kids became more accepting of him and actually seemed fond of him. He became king of the sarcastic quip, and it started working for him. A girl even started calling him and asking for advice on writing a college essay. I was really worried about him going away to school, and my D and I visited him during Parents Weekend at Chicago, and there he was holding court with a bunch of girls, chatting and joking, and they appeared to be hanging on every word. My daughter and I could not believe it! But my worries sort of faded away when I saw that, I have to say! I always prayed that he would find his niche. And I pray that he will out in "The Real World" as well--another adjustment yet to come. You don't need a lot of friends. Just a few good ones.</p>

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<p>And, yes, there is something about phones. I think that is a skill, learning how to talk on the phone, esp. to people you don't know! That is really hard for some people, my son included, and me too. I don't know, there is something about having to sound animated and chipper on the phone to people you don't know that is a little tricky, IMO. And then there are those dead zones, when there is no talking, and yet no face to look at to read what is going on in the silence. My son is definitely not a good phone person, and really, it is not my favorite thing either, to talk to people I don't know well on the phone or to call them. And it took me quite awhile to get used to answering machines. I really prefer e-mail or talking in person to someone I don't know well to communicating via the phone! I can do it. I just don't like it.</p>

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<p>1down2togo: You are so right about the drama of IM's. With that, and along with other modern day distractions, it's a wonder that teens get anything done. When we were kids, there were only 3 "good" TV channels and there were only a few good shows to watch each week and that was between 7 pm & 9pm -- there was nothing to watch during the daytime (except soaps, which didn't interest most of us). Now with 24 hr cable, Nintendo, internet, IM, cell phones, kids have all these distractions. It's hard for parents to limit access.</p>

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<p>mstee: You are right. I had to reteach my kids "phone manners" because they seemed to have lost them with all the IMing. They had forgotten that when you call someone's home, you need to identify yourself (especially if their classmate's parents answer the phone), such as, "This is XXXXX, may I speak to: And, if the parent doesn't know my child, then my child needs to add that he goes to XXXX school, so that the parent knows that a stranger isn't calling. I can certainly see how much kids can be negatively affected by spending too much time alone with a computer instead of interacting face to face or even on the phone with people.</p>

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<p><<i was="" really="" worried="" about="" him="" going="" away="" to="" school,="" and="" my="" d="" i="" visited="" during="" parents="" weekend="" at="" chicago,="" there="" he="" holding="" court="" with="" a="" bunch="" of="" girls,="" chatting="" joking,="" they="" appeared="" be="" hanging="" on="" every="" word.="" daughter="" could="" not="" believe="" it!="" but="" worries="" sort="" faded="" when="" saw="" that,="" have="" say!="" always="" prayed="" that="" would="" find="" his="" niche.="">></i></p><i was="" really="" worried="" about="" him="" going="" away="" to="" school,="" and="" my="" d="" i="" visited="" during="" parents="" weekend="" at="" chicago,="" there="" he="" holding="" court="" with="" a="" bunch="" of="" girls,="" chatting="" joking,="" they="" appeared="" be="" hanging="" on="" every="" word.="" daughter="" could="" not="" believe="" it!="" but="" worries="" sort="" faded="" when="" saw="" that,="" have="" say!="" always="" prayed="" that="" would="" find="" his="" niche.="">

<p>Mstee, I have tears in my eyes reading this. My son is similar to yours and seems to have found his niche at his college, too. There are few better feelings as a mom than learning your once-hapless, lost, odd, rather unhappy kid has found his place in the world, has found his friends and is making his way. Almost makes up for those sleepless nights. :)</p>
</i>

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<p>Junebug: Just what are your son's grades like? You haven't told us. I would be concerned if he were earning D's and F's. But if he's earning B's while you think he could be earning A's and taking Honors/AP classes to the hilt, I'd say you shouldn't worry. Being a Nobel Prize winner, valedictorian, cancer curer, world peacemaker, etc. isn't for everyone. Of course, if you spend enough time here, you'd think that the whole world would be full of valedictorians.</p>

<p>Think about this: Would your boss fire you because of something that happened back in high school? Conversely, would your boss give you a raise or promotion because he found out about your great high school record?</p>

<p>Everyone has a period of underperformance in their lives. Mine came as an undergraduate in college. Nobody cares about it today.</p>

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<p>jlauer95, I couldn't agree with you more. I HATE it when kids call and say, "so- and so there?". Its so rude. I have no idea who they are or what they're calling about. and who am I... the butler? I insist that my kids identify themselves when calling other people's homes as to me its just like ringing someone's doorbell with a sheet over your head if you don't identify yourself. I'll never forget getting a call in the late evening .. with the caller just saying "----(Husband) there?" In a huffy voice I asked who was calling, and it was the CEO of his company...eek! oh well, there's no accounting for manners these days! whoops, off of the soapbox, sorry for hijacking ...</p>

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<p>dke: "I insist that my kids identify themselves when calling other people's homes as to me its just like ringing someone's doorbell with a sheet over your head if you don't identify yourself."</p>

<p>LOLOLOL Great analogy. I also tell my kids that when a parent answers the phone, to say Hello Mrs. XXXXX, this is XXXXX . And if my kid knows that the parent doesn't know him, he is to add, "from (their school name)." With so many nutcases and pedophiles out there, people should identify themselves!!!! (That way when an advertiser calls, we can cut them off right away!!!)</p>

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<p>I was amused by this discussion. I was taught that it's polite to identify yourself when calling someone. I was also taught to ask "is this a good time to talk?" if I was just calling to chat. BUT I don't really care if someone doesn't follow MY rules. Sometimes, however, DH or the kids will ask me to find out who it is, so I find myself saying "he's in the middle of something, can I tell him/her who's calling so s/he can call you back?" However, fairly often we just look at the caller id and ignore the call.</p>

<p>We also often use the answer machine to screen calls. I think of it as the modern butler: "Madam is not available."</p>