Any reasons why my Oberlin Essay may have disadvantaged me in the admissions???

Colleges and Universities A-Z Oberlin College
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<p>I applied to Oberlin this year and got rejected. I'm not sore or anything, I accept their decision, but I just wanted to see if the Oberlin-specific essay I wrote may have disadvantaged me in the process. btw my sat score was 1990, an early admissions candidate, international student, and an 11th grade gpa of 4.14, etc. so obviously not a favorable situation, but...</p>

<p>Anyways here is my essay. Would like to know if there's anything I did wrong or aspects that might have brought about not-so-favorable opinions.</p>

<p>My passion for Oberlin mainly comes from how intimately and closely its social and cultural values resonate with those of my own as an individual. As monotonous this may sound, outside the area of normal academics, pursuits in the arts and music have always been areas of my foremost interest unto a sense that they delineated some of the greatest joys of my life: Spending hours playing the piano, trying to reach a level of musical clarity I had not yet reached before, reading books that I found had a profound effect on myself - "The Moviegoer", "The World as Representation and Will", etc, searching for films that would make me shudder and feel human.</p>

<p>Oberlin for me will be a place for me to breathe through these passions and live through an academic life enriched by the helpings of music and fine arts; the pen that allows me to write the words of a love letter towards the world.</p>

<p>More specifically, I plan to major in philosophy and minor in film studies to kickoff a long-inspired dream of becoming a journalist contributing to the advancement of filmmaking and cinema studies. Knowing that Oberlin houses one of the best philosophy departments in all of nation's liberal arts colleges, I am confident that its interdisciplinary approach along with a great cinema studies program will help me grow my knowledge and expand my mind intellectually.</p>

<p>And plus, what better place to spend the next four years studying other than next to a world-class conservatory that functions as an incubator for professional musicians? Music has always been a soft side in my life and an inspiration reeking of poetry especially when it came to classical piano. Whether I am able to enter the conservatory as a practicing musician or not, it is my high-minded ambition to be in an environment where music is more than appreciated and I can refine and shape my musical sensibilities.</p>

<p>In the end, Oberlin seems to present an environment where I feel I belong; there are things that pertain to the matter of the mind and those that pertain to the heart. It is my overwhelming sensation that of all things that can be put on such a spectrum, being able to study at Oberlin would be one that falls closer to the latter side.</p>

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<p>It is a nice essay, but what we’ve heard over and over at colleges we’ve visited is that they want to hear what you can do for them, what you will add to the freshmen class they are trying to fill, how you fit the university’s needs, not how it fits you. You might have added just a bit more of what you were bringing to them. I mostly say this for others’ future reference. Still, it’s a lovely, poetic essay.</p>

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<p>In my opinion, you’re writing needs to be more simple and direct. Here is good article with suggestions. See Tips 5 through 7</p>

<p><a href=“7 Simple Tips to Write Clearly | WTD”>http://writetodone.com/7-simple-ways-to-dramatically-improve-everything-you-write/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;