This makes little sense to me. First of all, what percentage of kids are really involved in illegal activities that haven’t been going on for years (specifically I am referring to underage drinking and some drug use)? If in fact MD Mom is talking about drug use, this is easy to avoid in this day and age with Facebook and other roommate selection programs, while still meeting someone new. Besides, many kids go to schools where they are the only one from their high school attending. What are those kids supposed to do, MD Mom? One can’t avoid potentially great opportunities to make new friends because of fear of something relatively unlikely.</p>
<p>I was just giving an advantage to rooming with someone you know. I don’t think it is a great idea to room with a great friend, which I thought I made clear in my post. My own daughter is attending a school where no girls she knows attend and is rooming with someone she did not meet prior to the school year starting, and they get along fine.</p>
<p>Well, since it’s already going to happen and there’s nothing to be done about it. Here are some solutions:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>sit down with your daughter and teach her how to set boundaries. </p></li>
<li><p>Make sure she knows to go out and do several things without her roommate immediately upon getting to school, just to kind of “set the tone.”</p></li>
</ol>
<p>(Begin as you mean to go on and all that…)</p>
<ol>
<li> Ask your daughter to sit down and make a list of all the things SHE thinks could turn out to be a problem because of this and then set up some proactive strategies so that they don’t “fall” into any of these things…</li>
</ol>
<p>At this point she can’t back out, anyway, so hope for the best and plan for the worst. That usually works. fwiw.</p>
<p>Maybe they can promise to support each other in trying new things. Like if your daughter wants to try out the ballroom dance club, roommate will come with her to the first meeting, and if roommate wants to try out the foreign film festival club, daughter will go with her to the first meeting. If they plan for it, they can help each other explore the college.</p>
<p>S wanted to room w/best friend, but friend got a large scholarship from RPI, so they won’t be going to the same school.</p>
<p>I would have supported this pairing since they were both going to be in the engineering school, I think it would have been a help for S who had slacking tendencies in HS compared to his friend.</p>
<p>Now, however he’s looking for someone else at his high school to room with, and I’m not as supportive of this. S can choose to live in a learning community, which I think would be really helpful at least for freshman year. But it would be with fellow engineering majors. </p>
<p>And I think at this point he would choose living with someone he knows over living with a group that would help him get acclimated/get off to a good start in his major.</p>
<p>My S had a random room mate selected by the U as a freshman & it worked OK. They were compatible EXCEPT S loves to sleep in & the roomie woke early to watch sports on weekends. They worked things out & remain friends but didn’t room together the next year. Don’t know what happened about his room mate situation for sophomore year other than he wasn’t too happy about it. This year & last year, S has been rooming with a guy from his HS that he knew but wasn’t really CLOSE to; they’re extremely compatible & get along great (both in different fields of engineering). So far as anyone knows, there has been absolutely no issues or drama and they have several mutual friends & acquaintances.</p>
<p>D lived at home the 1st 3 semesters while attending CC. When she transferred in January, she was added to a two bedroom apartment where she knew no one (someone left). She & two of her HS buddies & one girl that was a suite-mate of one of the buddies agreed to live together the next year & all have enjoyed it. In fact, they’re so happy together that D & one of the best buddies will be living together again next year with two new mutual friends (the other buddy will be in Paris studying abroad). So much depends on the girls and how solid their friendship is and what their mutual expectations are. For my D, she couldn’t be happier or imagine better room mates! We’re extremely pleased for her and believe she & her room mates are great for one another!</p>
<p>I think you should flesh out “the friend prsuaded her”. If she is at all hesitant, she should not do it. Tell her she can blame you. “My mom won’t let me.” If she dosen’t get along with her roommate, she will always have somewhere to go, but if she and the BF fight, she is stuck. All I have ever heard is that they will hate each other. (No kids in college yet, but would give this advice to my D for next year.)</p>
<p>My best friend and I were roommates our freshman year of college, and we didn’t have any problems at all. In fact, it was a lot of fun to share the new college experience together. We both made friends with the girls on our floor, and we each had our own friends, too.</p>
<p>My son did the random roommate and the college didn’t attempt to do any matching. He is a late night person and his roommate is an early bird, so that’s been a little hard for both of them. Still, they’re doing okay overall.</p>
<p>My D wouldn’t have roomed with any of her friends. Turns out they each went to different schools but they had been accepted to three schools in common. When they were deciding which school to attend, D suggested they should not room together so that they could widen their circle of friends by each rooming with a stranger. Four friends plus four roommates equals a basic circle of eight, plus friends of the roommates. The real reason she wouldn’t have roomed with any of her friends was, in her words, she didn’t want to end up being their crutch or security blanket. It really was a non-issue since each girl went to a different school. D loves her assigned roommate: they were perfectly matched, not friends but compatible. No drama.</p>
<p>vballmom: I think an apartment situation is a bit different than an actual dorm room where they share the same space. At least with an apartment like Cerro Vista or Poly Canyon, they have their own rooms and share a common living space. Sure, they would definitely need to work out doing the dishes and keeping things clean. I wouldn’t mind my daughter sharing an apartment with her friend beyond her freshman year. I’m just not so sure about an actual dorm room.
<p>vballmom wrote:</p>
<p>I can give you my perspective on the dorms you've mentioned, although the gender is different. My son and his best friend from as far back as junior high school both got into Cal Poly ED last year. They immediately requested each other as roommates, and because the best friend was in the honors program they got into Cerro Vista. After some initial socializing with the other 2 roommates (they coordinated kitchen supplies, they each went in 1/4 for a wide screen TV, etc), S1 and his friend pretty much stick together and the other 2 do their own thing. Overall it's a good situation although there are dishes that the other 2 don't do which causes some unhappiness for S1 and his friend.</p>
<p>There's been no problem meeting other people in their college (engineering). The Cerro Vista lounge is a good place to hang out, and a lot of their classmates also live in the apartments.</p>
<p>S1, friend, and 3 other guys are all going to live off-campus together next year. I can imagine S1 and his friend sharing an apartment after they graduate in 3 (4?) years. They're just really compatible.</p>
<p>So if the girls are good friends and there's been no drama between them, and they both want to room together, I don't see any issues. If your D really would prefer not to room with her friend, she should speak up. The campus isn't that big - they can still hang out together whenever they want</p>
<p>Schokolade: This is what the two girls were trying to tell me. They said that since they already know one another’s quirks, it would be easier. Her friend said she understands what I’m saying and definitely couldn’t live with *another *one of their friends. Two, in fact. But she and my daughter are very compatible and seem to be able to handle one another’s annoyances. I suppose that’s true. Her friend is an avid reader, so I know there would be quiet-time in their room. They like the same tv programs. They’ve traveled on trips together (with both sets of parents) and there was never any drama. Both seemed to get along well. I’ve heard my daughter talking to her on the phone when she’s been annoyed with her and she seems to handle it assertively. </p>
<p>My only gripes with her friend is her tendency to procrastinate and to think of reasons to call in <em>sick</em> when she doesn’t feel like going to class. But, maybe my daughter would be a good influence on her! :)</p>
<p>Well, we shall see! In the long run, its not up to me. She’s going to have to make more and more choices on her own. And, live with the consequences. </p>
<p>Thank you for your viewpoint. I know there are pros and cons to both sides.</p>
<p>It sounds like the girls have already decided to room together. I wouldn’t recommend trying to get them to change their minds after they’ve already made the decision.</p>
<p>I would much rather my own daughter room with someone she knows (who shares similar values) than a stranger. I had better experiences in college and grad school rooming with people I knew in advance than those I didn’t. I also lived with each of my two sisters at two different times as an adult. One was a little messy, and the other had a boyfriend I didn’t like a lot–but I never had to worry about them doing drugs, smoking, drinking or stealing from me! </p>
<p>In my opinion, the reason it is preferable to live with someone you know is that you have a history with that person. If you’re moody one day, the other person knows that you aren’t always moody. If you have a misunderstanding, it is easier to work things out because you’ve worked things out before (and both parties have an incentive to try to do so, so their friendship won’t be ruined.)</p>
<p>The girls will have plenty of opportunities to meet others in college!</p>
<p>midmo: I actually did ask her this afternoon and she said not to worry. She assured me that would never pass up an opportunity to take part in an activity or club even if her friend wasn’t interested. I didn’t mean to make her friend sound like a stick-in-the-mud or socially inept. She’s capable of meeting others and has, but I think actually living with a “stranger” seems a bit overwhelming to her. </p>
<p>My daughter sings in choir and jazz, as well as belongs to a couple of clubs on campus that her friend aren’t a part of. But it doesn’t pose a problem at all. My daughter also loves country music–her friend does not. No big deal. Her friend always has a book with her and loves poetry slams. She’ll be a liberal arts major and loves writing. My daughter will be in kinesiology and taking more science-oriented classes.
<p>midmo wrote:</p>
<p>If you can bring it up without alienating your daughter, I think it might be a good idea to ask her how she plans to deal with the situation if her friend cannot become independent.</p>
<p>This makes perfect sense. They haven’t made any formal requests through their portals yet, but after my daughter hears from her remaining four schools in a couple weeks, they’ll know for sure if this is going to become a reality. It’s almost certain both will be attending the same school. The only thing that KIND of bugs me is this girl’s mother. She really wants her to attend this school vs another one. And, she’s had a problem with enabling her daughter ever since kindergarten. She feels that if my daughter is at the same school (and now in the same dorm room), the transition will be so much easier for her daughter. That’s all well and fine, but I sure as heck don’t want my child being responsible for her daughter’s well-being. Arrrrghhh. The mother has an idea of how I feel because I’ve talked about the excitement of living with new roommates, etc. But, she still seems to think having the girls share a room is an ideal situation (for *her *daughter, at least. )
quote:</p>
<p>Well, since it's already going to happen and there's nothing to be done about it. Here are some solutions:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>sit down with your daughter and teach her how to set boundaries. </p></li>
<li><p>Make sure she knows to go out and do several things without her roommate immediately upon getting to school, just to kind of "set the tone."</p></li>
</ol>
<p>(Begin as you mean to go on and all that....)</p>
<ol>
<li>Ask your daughter to sit down and make a list of all the things SHE thinks could turn out to be a problem because of this and then set up some proactive strategies so that they don't "fall" into any of these things.....</li>
</ol>
<p>At this point she can't back out, anyway, so hope for the best and plan for the worst. That usually works. fwiw.</p>
<p>Well, I don’t want to make it sound like her friend is twisting her arm. I doubt if that’s happening at all. It may have been in the back of my daughter’s mind, as well, ever since her friend became more serious about attending. </p>
<p>I think their feeling is: They can go out and socialize and take part in clubs and activities, but have a familiar “home base” to come back to. At one point my D was interested in joining a sorority, but she’s still not sure. Nor is her friend. </p>
<p>We’ll just have to see where this goes. Frankly, I’m more worried about my D having her h.s. boyfriend back at home and passing up social opportunities as a result. But that’s a different thread.</p>
<p>It is generally a terrible idea for all of the reasons these wise people have indicated.</p>
<p>If your D and the friend each have a different “stranger” roommate they will continue to have one another as a safe place to land. In addition being in different rooms/halls will give them each new social contacts and widen their circle of friends.</p>
<p>Bottom line if the rooming situation doesn’t work out with the stranger roommate there is no loss. If it doesn’t work out with the best friend as a roommate she looses the friend. There is no need to take the chance. Congrats on the SLO acceptance by the way :)</p>
<p>Maybe its the “Best friend” tag that’s the problem. My S is at UC Berkeley right now and is rooming with two friends from HS, but neither was his best friend. One he has known since Kinder! Have a feeling it may be a gender thing as well. Actually this afternoon we are going off to sign a lease as these three guys are now moving in together off campus into their own apartment!</p>
<p>kumited dad boys are the difference. My nephew is rooming with his best friend and has been for two years and it has been smoothe.</p>
<p>If my N goes out on a friday afternoon and doesn’t return to their suite for hours, the roomie doesn’t get his feelings hurt. He sends a text and either joins N or finds something else he wants to do. In general girls, particularly clingy girls and the op’s D’s bf may fall into that catagory, don’t operate that way. (terrible sentence, sorry)</p>
Her friend always has a book with her and loves poetry slams. She’ll be a liberal arts major and loves writing. My daughter will be in kinesiology and taking more science-oriented classes.