<p>I agree completely with you, zeebamom. Most freshman don’t get the sleep in a dorm that they did at home and they are exhausted.</p>
<p>I think that some of the biggest first year stress comes from having to be “on” all the time, always showing a “social face.”</p>
<p>All 3 of my boys craved quiet, privacy, and completely-alone time when they first came home. S#1 went virtually totally incommunicado the first 4 or 5 days he was home for winter break–he finally explained how he felt. Always being nice to people, always being gracious, always being in a social situation–he felt like even when he was alone in his dorm room, he wasn’t really alone, because he never knew when the roomie could come back at any time–class could be cancelled, etc. (He and roomie got along very well–roomie was best man at my son’s wedding last year). </p>
<p>He was just exhausted, totally spent. I think that this is sometimes a shock to parents when their first child comes home from college for the first time–they may not immediately feel like spending lots of together family time not because they haven’t missed their family–they have–but they have missed privacy even more.</p>
<p>I also think for my S it is an adjustment getting used to the dorm room and small space. I actually think he would be happier in an apt. where you have your own bedroom and then shared space for living. </p>
<p>I can remember my D coming home for the first time and being so excited saying “Look! I can choose all these rooms to hang out in!” - not just the one dorm room she calls home!</p>
<p>I went through all this with our D. The dreading-of-the-phone-calls especially, and the unloading on us was really stressful. In the end, she (and we) began to understand her hot buttons and typically, as one poster mentioned above, there was a particular trigger–ie lack of sleep, noise overload, not eating properly, etc. Of course, the especially promisicuous roommate in a very tiny dorm roon exacerbated everything.</p>
<p>Tough first year. But by the time she graduated, she came to understand she needed to balance her life and when she didn’t, she paid the price. We became better about not always jumping at the phone calls and about recognizing much of her distress was unloaded on us first, leaving us to worry like mad. </p>
<p>She still occasionally has meltdowns (as a grad student), but wow, what maturity and life experience can do for a person is remarkable. Coping skills are EVERYTHING.</p>
<p>Just know it will get better…she’ll get wiser and so will you. It’s a process. In the meantime, breathe deep. Really really deep :)</p>
<p>Going through this with our D as well. She has been gone 10 days, but just started classes this week. She says it’s hard to find people to hang out with. Her roommate is nice, but has some friends at the school already. So, we’ve kept up the mantra of telling her to find what to do, to meet people she may not have met in high school, and explore. </p>
<p>So yesterday, she sent me a text telling me that she’s joined the Women’s Rugby Team! Not that she’s ever played rugby, but why not? So, things are looking up. And she’s found a couple of new friends, and was happy when she spoke to us yesterday.</p>
<p>And generally, our daughter is very outgoing, has been going away for summers since she was 9, and makes friends easily… So, the environment can be tough. But you have to hope for small successes, and a couple of break throughs.</p>
<p>Good luck to all of us for them…</p>
<p>While the advice you all have is helpful (thank you!) to those of us experiencing this “hard time”, it is even more comforting to hear of others who are currently in the same place like the OP and Felixnot!</p>
<p>My son is also having a hard time adjusting - so I feel your pain. One thing the school did point out at the parent orientation is the availability of student services and the RA to help in the transition. The RA’s are trained not just to tell residents to keep it down, etc. but also to help those that are having a difficult time with the transition - so perhaps encourage your daughter to reach out to her RA. Also, call student services and let them know you are truly concerned. They are there to help. I have heard often times those students that LOVE orientation often hit a bump once classes start, etc. and those that were a bit slower to warm up hit their stride - so freshman year can be bumpy at any time. Also, as other posters have said encourage your D to get involved with activities - sign up for more things than you think you’d be interested in and then check out what the club, etc. has to offer and then narrow down your choices. My D did this and found after the first Outing club meeting that they would go sky diving that it wasn’t for her (thankfully!) 
My son does not want to call home as that makes it harder for him with homesickness. Of course, not hearing from him makes it harder for us - but I take that as a good sign that he is finding his way. I would not be talking about transferring now - give it time if early next year they still feel the same way do it then. My D had a friend who decided 1st semester to transfer to a school closer to home and did not sign up for housing for the following year. After the lottery date, she decided she really loved it there and did not want to transfer. She luckily found housing and is happily starting her junior year.</p>
<p>I could have written your post abasket. S1 is 3 hours from home, missing friends and girl friend, and emailing home in distress. I’m encouraging him to go to the counseling center as I don’t want it to drag him down. I know the angst will probably pass, but I don’t want to assume it will.</p>
<p>I can’t agree more with how important the sleep issue is. I remember my son calling me last year as a freshman in college, sounding just plain exhausted. This is a kid who can get by on very little sleep and is very, very social. He missed his “down time” and had a roommate who constantly had kids stopping by and hanging out. Kids were up til 2 or 3 in the morning in his dorm, making alot of noise. I think it is a huge adjustment to share a small space and not have privacy when you need it and to maintain your own schedule. Inadequate sleep is also a huge factor in irritability and stress in teens, and often contributes to depression. Part of the adjustment of going to college is not having a parent there to remind them they need the sleep, good diet and exercise to balance the social life and academics of college. Eventually my son realized he needed exercise every day and he scheduled his classes second semester to have a break in the afternoon for a nap when his roommate wasn’t there. Of course he didn’t want to hear it from me, but eventually figured it out. I knew how bad things were when he asked me not to host our annual Thanksgiving with 15 relatives! He wanted peace and quiet for the few days he was home.</p>
<p>I think the main factor in adjusting to being away for the first time depends on how quickly your student is able to make friends. Last year, S4 went from three in a dorm built for two, to a roommate who didn’t talk and just played online all the time. He wasn’t a happy camper during during his first two weeks, but he was able to start making friends and through them, was pulled into other activities. This changed his whole outlook for the remainder of the year and he was excited to return this year.</p>
<p>I think you should resist the opportunity to visit her…that’s fuel for the fire.</p>
<p>Remind her of all the reasons she selected to attend the college and that there are many wonderful people still to meet in her classes and organizations on campus.
She needs to take the initiative to seek out those opportunities and make a life for herself.
If she’s not prone to finding those opportunities-- send her a few links to organizations or lists of organizations on the campus so she can seek those out. Most clubs are seeking new members at this time of year-- she will find her place.</p>
<p>Don’t make her even more homesick by calling or emailing or visiting.
The option to transfer should not enter the conversation at this point.</p>
<p>If any of the posters who indicated that their son/daughter was tired from having to be “on” all the time at college are still around, could you answer this question. Is your son/daughter at a LAC or a large university in a college town where the university is pretty much the only thing in town? </p>
<p>Many posters on CC seem to want the “classic college experience” where 95 plus percent of their life is spent on campus. This is the type of situation that can be stressful to new students. At larger universities in large cities, there are many things to do off campus in the city and it is possible to find a hideaway on a large campus where they can study or relax without meeting the same people all the time.</p>
<p>Tom,
I think I made the post your are referring to…my oldest graduated Emory in 2007, my middle is a senior at the University of Denver, and my youngest is a sophomore at American University in DC (my H jokes that they all chose the same school in different cities…schools of 5000-6000 undergrads, with a real campus, in a big city, without a football team).</p>
<p>I don’t think the size or the location makes a difference, though, because I have compared notes with other parents who have had the same experience with their kids. It is just somewhat stressful to always be “public” and not be able to be obnoxious every once in a while like you can do at home with those who have to love you anyway! All 3 of my boys love college, and love their lives at college…their classes, their friends, their myriad activities…and you are right, each had to eventually find a way of recharging internal batteries…</p>
<p>But even in their big cities and going off campus…it was still in public, and not like the quiet basement with the full refrigerator at home.</p>
<p>thanks everyone… i appreciate the help… i think it is a one day at a time thing. sigh. :)</p>
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<p>I must say that the applicability of this statement depends on your child. It would not have been a good idea for me.</p>
<p>I remember very clearly going to graduate school more than 25 years ago; I got out of class at 1, the mailman (before email, of course) came at 1:30, and a huge boost to my day was receiving a letter from anyone I knew. The workload was so heavy that I studied literally all the time except between 1:00 and 2:00 on weekdays (and when I ran errands on weekends). I really appreciated the reminder that I was loved and supported.</p>
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<p>Senior in high school, so not in college yet… but I have been away from home for up to three weeks, and I have gotten quite homesick… The time I was most homesick was when I was at a program where we weren’t allowed any contact with our parents besides snail mail. Another time, I was homesick, but after every time I called my parents, I felt much, much, better. They also often encouraged me to go out and socialize, which allowed me to resist the impulse to sit in my room and sulk. I think for some people, calling your kids when they’re homesick can definitely help them feel better.</p>
<p>Most of our “conversations” text or phone are initiated by him - it’s not excessive and I would never cut him off that way.</p>
<p>S seems to be trying so hard to meet new people but it’s not working! He says everyone on his floor leaves their doors closed. The floor has had no activities since the first night 1/2 hour meeting to discuss “rules”. I’m actually really disappointed that there has not been more ice-breaker activities. </p>
<p>He seems SO lonely. Often eating my himself. He has met a few people but he seems to have to initiate any contact. We’re talking one of the most popular kids in his high school, the kid that gets along with everyone and yet so far (since Saturday) college has been a struggle socially. The only thing I can figure is that everyone is teamed up with their one person - often their roommate - and not branching out yet. S’s roommate was around some early on, but seems to be out and about a lot the last couple of days. </p>
<p>It’s so painful to know your child is lonely. 
I have a hard time just insisting he just “suck it up”. I just keep praying that each day there is some progress. But I (and he) are really not looking forward to this weekend - too much downtime for him to miss home even more.</p>
<p>abasket- So sorry your son is feeling lonely. Have you encouraged him to sit down with strangers (who are really fellow classmates) in the dining hall, introducing himself, and having an upbeat conversation?
Although it might feel awkward to him, and not every person will respond positively, I bet many other freshmen will be delighted to have the company, and meet a potential friend.</p>
<p>Since he has been popular in HS, it will feel odd for him, but meeting new people pro-actively is a skill that must be learned–for college, new jobs, and new locales.</p>
<p>Encourage him to read the school’s calendar- I suspect many EC’s are having informational meetings. Even if he is not convinced to join, he can meet other students at intramural sports, student government groups, ballroom dancing, etc. Is there a student senter where he can read the paper, grab a soda, and chat with others?</p>
<p>abasket, just sending you some support. I don’t like this phrase but in this case it’s true: I know exactly how you feel, and it’s awful. </p>
<p>fauve is right; there’s an activity calendar somewhere. Try to persuade your S to get out and do something with people this weekend. Also tell him not to give up on the initiating contact; it can take time to find someone sympatico. If he keeps pitching, sooner or later he’ll click with someone.</p>
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<p>Thank you for asking. Yes, things were pretty rough there for a while. </p>
<p>D did finish the year at her college and the misery quotient diminished by quite a bit. But she never really felt like she clicked with most of the students, although she loved everything else about the place. She applied for a leave of absence, which holds her enrollment, scholarship, and FA for one year. By May, she had hatched a plan to take her sophomore year here at home, at a community college, and then probably disenroll from her LAC and transfer to UC Davis. </p>
<p>But the oddest thing happened when she came home for the summer. She spent some time with her HS friends and discovered that, although they’re still fun, the old ties had loosened. At the same time, she found herself missing some of her college friends. Of course, she now has more in common with them than with her old friends; I knew that, but she had to figure it out for herself. So she’s taking Fall semester here at home, and is excited to go back to her LAC in January.</p>