Anyone else have a child who is having a hard time making the transition?

Parents Forum
41

<p>Yes, have tried all that and so has he! In fact, he said “the kids here probably look at me and say, hey he’s the kid who talks to everybody!”.</p>

<p>I know he IS trying - I just have to find a balance of supporting him, listening to him but also not feeding into his “sorrow” - build up the positive moments and tell the weekend and tennis practice next week to hurry and get here so he can see the light!!! He will stay there this weekend (though he did ask to come home and we said no) but we had made a deal that he could come home NEXT weekend - the three Fridays after that he will have tennis matches and it will be tough to come home.</p>

<p>Hanging in there. We’re tough. :)</p>

42

<p>Aha, yes, the roommate with the BF is often the nightmare scenario for many girls. I think many young women in the first year expect to be close friends with the roommate and feel lost when right off the bat the roommate has other plans. I think it might be different for most young men. I know I had absolutely no notions or expectations of being buddy buddy with my roommate when I was new freshman. I just wanted someone who wasn’t hostile, into something distasteful (like drugs), didn’t steal my stuff, and locked the door when he left the room. The friend thing never crossed my mind even before I arrived and met him. Fortunately, I got exactly the roommate I just described. We were never friends but were respectful toward each other. I became close friends with other guys in the dorm. And that seemed to be the case with every other guy on the floor. No one was BF with their roommate. Could this be a gender difference?</p>

43

<p>^Maybe, sometimes I think I must be a man stuck in a woman’s body. I never had expectations to be best buddies with my roommate either. We had fairly similar backgrounds, but were also quite different. We still keep in touch, but we never were super close.</p>

<p>I spent a lot of time my college years lonely. Trying to figure out where to sit in dining halls was always my least favorite part of the day, especially lunch when I usually had to eat somewhere besides my house. I definitely did not join enough activities.</p>

44

<p>@abasket yep… sounds like you are writing about my D. Has to initiate all the time… just texted about whether it was worst to eat alone in the dining room or just eat chips in her room</p>

<p>she is also not looking forward to the weekend and all the down time. </p>

<p>day by day… but so hard to see your child lonely and upset</p>

<p>frankly i think THIS is what lamaze breathing is for… not childbirth… unless i can get an epidural and some drugs now. :)</p>

45

<p>

I’m with you, picklemom - I always suspected that I’d really need the drugs later on. :slight_smile: So sorry to read about the challenges some kids are having finding the right social niche. We have a friend in the same spot - very socially adept kid, but the school lacks the opportunities for kids to bond with anyone other than the roommate. Once classes and ECs are underway, it should get easier for picklemom’s d, abasket’s s, and others. (Hoping!) </p>

<p>Wondering why some schools excel at helping students settle in socially, while others don’t make it an important priority. My kids have attended both public and private colleges; each school really had programs in place to insure that no one would wind up eating alone unless he or she wanted to. The opportunites were there to bond with suitemates, hallmates, floor mates, and kids in the same EC even before classes started. (For instance, the older students in my d’s dance company had a dinner and an outing for the new freshman members very early on - they almost seemed to adopt them.) Something some schools could try harder at, surely.</p>

46

<p>So sorry to hear about dd troubles.Could have been me with the problem.dd did not want to go to school and made life very stressful all summer.We weren’t sure she was going till will left.Been there since Sunday and so far so good.She seems to meet different people everyday so no best bud yet but mixing it up.Social aspect of school was her biggest anxiety.Did not go well at orientation for her cried the whole time.We made agreement she would try for semester and she could come home when she wanted to(2 hours by train)No classes on Friday’s so has plenty of time to come home.The idea was that she could hack it for a short time but get a break when needed.anything to get her thru to give it a shot so no regrets about not trying it.I think you above anyone knows what helps dd and go with that.As far as I am concerned she is there first for academics and all the rest later and if the rest doesn’t work out than make a plan to work around it.I don’t know how anyone picks a school on a three hour visit and you drop them off there and every thing is suppose to fall in place for the poor things.Maybe I am wrong but for my dd knowing there was a plan in place and a set amount of time to tolerate it gave her the strength to go.I read how happy alot kids are and I wanted it for dd,if not at chosen school than some where else.</p>

47

<p>

</p>

<p>The quick trip home is not an option for everyone; my D’s school is a 15-hour trip away. And it’s not even necessarily a good idea for everyone. In our case, it would only have re-opened the wound and prolonged the misery. As you correctly say, you have to know your child.</p>

48

<p>DD has been at school for two weeks now, and she called yesterday to say that only NOW are kids in many of her classes starting to get acquainted. </p>

<p>She is lucky - she came to school as part of the Honors College, which does a nice job of planning icebreakers and networking pods of 10 students together before classes start, then offering honors only sections of required core classes. </p>

<p>She is also a varsity athlete, and the athletic department does mixer-events (mini-olymics, scavenger hunt, etc.) the first week of school. She is taking an athletes-only
1st yr seminar that has introduced her to students on many other teams at school. </p>

<p>She pledged a sorority (only 2% of campus is Greek), and has found that many of her pledge sisters live in the same or nearby dorms - she would have never met them otherwise. Other clubs (that hold frequent/regular meetings) would provide a similar opportunity to those not interested in Greek life.</p>

<p>The dorm itself is divided into Houses, but DD says 1/2 the girls in her House just hang out in their rooms with the door closed, and others are just socially shy/awkward - she is not relying on a shared hallway to make friends. </p>

<p>She has called several people she knows from different venues to get a group together for meals - and found out that there were connections between some of these people from back home, classes, EC’s, etc.!</p>

<p>The school has also had mixer type events (BBQ, mini carnival) the first week of school and has a Traditions Keeper program that encourages the kids to go out and try the many different offerings on campus - there is a special designation at graduation if they complete all 45 traditions activities. MANY kids on campus are doing the program - sure, most will fall away after a few weeks or months, but they will at least have had a reason to get out of the dorm during the first few weeks, talk to new people and find out about services, groups and programs on campus.</p>

<p>FYI - DD has always been the kind of kid to typically hold back and observe people before engaging them, so I am thrilled that she is getting involved in every way possible and is making connections. </p>

<p>I get the feeling she realizes that she has to make her own opportunities and connections, and that she has to cast a wide net in the beginning, knowing that her eventual circle of close friends will come from the effort she puts in now. She said it was hard at first to approach strangers, but realized how easy it is and how many freshman just want someone else to start a conversation. </p>

<p>Words of wisdom from an unexpected source!</p>

49

<p>My freshman year (25+ years ago) I was at a mid-sized out of state school where everyone went home when there was not a home football game. My roommate was a reclusive junior who was very sweet but went home EVERY weekend.</p>

<p>I was very lonely those first few weeks. Did not know a soul. BUT, I made friends and really appreciated having the room to myself on weekends. It was a good thing for me and my parents that I was not in constant contact with them. They would have been worried sick 10 hours away. I matured a lot and was really proud of myself. I don’t think my story is unique at all.</p>

<p>Now, as a mom, I would have a hard time sleeping at night if my child seemed so lonely. {{{{hugs}}}}} to all the parents.</p>

50

<p>Picklemom, if our S and D were only at the same school we’d be all set!!! They could be buddies together! (he has always had lots of close girl friends) </p>

<p>I did talk to him a couple of hours ago and he told me he was actually in a good mood and had had a pretty good day. Wow. That sure meant a lot. Nothing outstanding, but I think just some smooth sailing. He was going for his school’s athlete physical and will spend a good chunk of time on homework tonight. He has reluctantly accepted the fact that he won’t come home this weekend and I hope, hope, hope that something comes about for him to do over Sat and Sun. - he actually has classes on Labor Day, Monday! At the very least, hopefully the opportunity for the room temp to cool down with a cold front coming through and some chance for him to SLEEP IN - that always seems to help with his mood. :)</p>

51

<p>Yes, the high heat in the East is making the students cranky at my DD’s school- hopefully the cool will come, if not Earl.</p>

<p>Sleep certainly does cheer their spirits, doesn’t it?</p>

52

<p>When it comes to adjustment, I always think about when my babies were born. Remember how hard it was to get used to that wrinkly screaming newborn? It took six weeks for me to get used to each of them, and for them to get used to the routines of being in the world. As a classroom teacher with a new group of children to get to know each year, I live for the day after the first six week period because it takes just that long for us to get used to each other. After the first six weeks, the class flows and hums because everyone has adjusted.</p>

<p>For those of you with kids at college who are still unhappy, I would suggest having them mark six weeks from the day they arrived on campus on their calendars. Things will most likely improve a lot by then. I’ll bet by that date, most will be in a routine and will have at least one friend to eat/walk to class with.</p>

<p>It’s awful when your child is unhappy. We are conditioned to need to go and comfort, and to make things right. In a way, though, learning how to cope with loneliness is a great life skill.</p>

<p>We are lucky-so far my child is happy at school. She admits, going early and meeting athletic teammates made all the difference. I have suggested that she reach out and invite someone without friends yet to join her and her new friends to eat. I hope she will.</p>

<p>Good luck-and remember, six weeks!</p>

53

<p>I’m sorry about the kids having problems but I’m so glad to see this thread. I just got back from dropping off ds off at dream college across the country, and I return to phone calls that he has no idea why he chose the place, wishes he went to state u, can’t believe all the rich kids, and he is homesick and lonely. </p>

<p>I just told him he didn’t have to stay there forever if he really doesn’t like it, but it is way too early to decide (one day!!) so he should try to relax and not worry about whether it is right for him. We know from years of experience that transitions are not his thing, so I’m trying not to overreact. </p>

<p>All I could think to do is sympathize and take the pressure off (you don’t have decide anything now and if its turns out to be truly awful its not permanent). I agree with bsw that it will take a while to see if there’s really a problem, but until then its tough.</p>

54

<p>abasket, i was thinking the same thing about our kids :)</p>

<p>it is such a comfort to come back to this thread and read comments. thank you all for taking the time… </p>

<p>this weekend is going to be tough for her… no mandatory activities, so she needs to push herself to get out there.</p>

55

<p>My daughter (freshman) is at week #2 of college and although she loves her college and her classes she does not like her roomate. Last night she called to vent about how difficult it is right now to share a room with her. RM is on her computer listening to TV most evenings and D will have to ask that she wears ear phones or glares at her until she does so. Or wakes her up in the morning by playing music only to go back to bed 10 minutes later. She finds her RM a braggart about how she drinks and partys and how she does this and that which D thinks is just talk to make her seem more cool. In short she is not very genuine.
I did not know how to respond other then saying if it gets too bad to talk to the RA. In the end I also think my DD also has to get thicker skin and have the honest talk about being respectful roomates without having to be best friends. She needs to confront her in a nice but direct way and perhaps the RM would stop trying to impress her by her antics.
Any advice would be welcome.</p>

56

<p>TTT: No advice, but… {{{Hugs to your DD}}} </p>

<p>Hopefully, she finds her groove and her own friends, soon. The expectation is always that the roommate will be a BFF, but that doesn’t happen often.</p>

57

<p>dear picklemom - as hard as it was, i put a sign next to the phone when my D left to college: emphatize, do not advice. I would let her talk for hours and agree with her that life was not great - but I knew that if I would start to make suggestions that it would not work. She had to and did in the end, find her own solutions. Right now days will seem long and arduous, but really, hopefully soon your kid’s days will be filled with activities - and then the loneliness will disappear.</p>

58

<p>This thread has been a huge help. Got a call from our daughter last night with a lot of tears, that after a couple of days of not hearing from her, and her feeling that things were better.</p>

<p>This weekend is going to be a tough one. Her roommate went home for the weekend, (which is going to be a problem, as she has a sense that RM will be heading home often). But we keep the positive message going, it’s only been the first week of classes, she has joined a team, but we want her to grab her laptop and do her work outsided of her dorm room, find the activities schedule and bravely head out on campus on her own…</p>

<p>I know this will get better in a few weeks, but a few weeks can’t come fast enough.</p>

59

<p>There was an article in the Education Life section of the NYTimes last month about problems between roommates. It might be helpful for children with roommate problems to read:
<a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/25/education/edlife/25roommate-t.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=education+life+college+roommates&st=nyt[/url]”>http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/25/education/edlife/25roommate-t.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=education+life+college+roommates&st=nyt&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>It talks about a contract, or agreements, which I guess can be helpful once the communication gets going.</p>

60

<p>my daughter has already text and emailed this morning and asked what people do on the weekends during the day at college… and frankly i dont remember other then sleep and hang out.</p>

<p>at home she could sleep till 11, and now she is up at 9:15. Ugh.</p>

<p>Because she is in a single ( not her choice) it makes it hard for her to be out there making friends… she feels like an intruder even though i tell her she isnt.</p>

<p>I hope you are right Felixnot, a few weeks cant come soon enough and i do hope it is better.</p>