Anyone ready to send their kid back to college?

Parents Forum
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<p>My daughter was home for 2 weeks then left for a job in another state 1000 miles away. She has spent the summer as a staff member with running a service project center in TN with 4 others and coordinating groups of 70-80 volunteers a week that come to do home repairs for needy families. She will be back a week before school starts so will be at home maybe 2-3 days before she leaves again. So no I am not ready because we have barely seen her! But I do completely understand where you are coming from. When she is at home I do ask that she follows the same courtesy we do - as in 'I do not leave the house and not let anyone know when I am due back so I would like the same courtesy'. Once she saw it as a courtesy rather than us trying to control her she was fine with it and will give us a call if she decides to go to a friends house for the night etc. </p>

<p>Realistically I can't see her spending a whole summer at home again :( We live in a small and rather remote town and most of the things she wants to do are not available here. She loved her experience this summer so plans to do that again - also plans study abroad and I am sure will incorporate a summer of travel. She was bored out of her mind being home for 3 weeks at Christmas. WOuld love to have her home more but I can definitely see possible pitfalls unless she were to find something locally that she could be involved in that she is as passionate about as the service job she did this summer.</p>

<p>I can see your concerns about the b/f situation. My daughter has had a couple of awful ones. Her last one (they broke up but remained friends though I think that may be over now) texts her now and again to tell her he is drunk and whining about being bored - as she is working her behind off and living in very basic conditions and helping some truly disadvantaged families she is very unimpressed. I would encourage your daughter to do some research and find something meaningful to her for next summer. Much as I miss my daughter it is a joy to see her spending her summer doing something that she is so excited and passionate about.</p>

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<p>Set house rules...they are important. Then, communicate, communicate, communicate. Ask, your daughter to invite the guy to come to your home some nights...Supply food, movies, and conversation... Talk to the guy about his future plans...show interest in what he wants to do...you daughter knows when you are taking interest and care about her friends. This is a real interesting time in the life of your daughter and any young person. New found freedom, is not always easy, and you do not want to stop communications. She is making choices...you want to help and be apart of those choices... Let her know you love her, say it as often as necessay. Enjoy, this time with her, soon she is out of your home for good. Remember, transitions are diffcult and irksome.</p>

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<p>Thanks to all!! Everyone's input has been so helpful. To the young adults/college students who have shared their experiences and perspectives, thank you so much. It is great to hear it from your views.</p>

<p>After much reflection, I think I can be at a place where I am no longer the "parent-manager" but more as a parent/counselor/encourager/supporter, and trust that my DD will find her way. I know I will not necessarily agree to everything she DD does, but that I know she is going through a difficult time right now and will "live and learn."</p>

<p>The battle I am finding myself in right now is getting my dear husband to that same place. It is not that he wants to control her. He just does not like this new guy she's dating and can not stand the idea of her being out all night with him. And he WILL show his disappointment which I know is pushing my DD further away. I try to explain to DD these very deep rooted values her father has but she just see it as us controlling her life. </p>

<p>I do give my husband credit. We spend endless nights talking and analyzing my DD. He does listen and hears me. But the best of him just can't act on it and let her go. I'm afraid that one of these days, he will eventually lose it and give her the "your under my roof and you do as I say" threat.</p>

<p>Any fathers of daughters out there that can shed some light, please help! Thank you!</p>

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<p>Peace - I feel your pain. It's hard being caught in the middle between your DD and husband. That father-daughter relationship is a very complicated and delicate one. I hope they both find their way closer to each other. My father died when I was 17 years old. He was extremely controlling and strict but as a parent now, I appreciate all he has done, miss him a lot and wish I had a better and closer relationship with him. Your DD may not appreciate your parenting right now but they eventually grow out of this confusing state and will come around. Your not alone...</p>

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<p>The shift is not asking for permission to do stuff, but informing us of what they are doing, in case of emergencies and just common courtesy. I ask no less of my mother, my husband, and would expect the same for my daughters.</p>

<p>If you leave, tell us where and when you expect to be home. If you are spending the night at another house, let us know. If you are having people over, give us some warning, if you change plans and will be missing dinner, or out later than you planned, just share that information.</p>

<p>My husband does that, I do that, my mother does, that and our children do that. </p>

<p>I also sometimes would prefer if they spent the night at a house instead of driving home really late, just send a text. They aren't asking, as they are indeed adult, but adults let people they live with know what is going on so we don't worry.</p>

<p>For instance, my daughter went out tonight. I knew she was going, but she forgot to tell my mom. I wasn't home. In case of an emergency, my mom may assume dd is upstairs and call for her, and panic thinking she is home and not answering (fire, earthquake, dog emergency, etc), so just saying, hey, leaving the house, see you later, is just smart.</p>

<p>I need to remind D to do that.</p>

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<p>Hi peace! I am a daughter, and have been in a similar situation. Father/daughter relationships can be difficult, and in my case, it was always 10x more difficult because my dad works long hours, and then goes and takes care of my grandmother's stuff. So, I seldom see him. And, he has a serious old school complex. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, I had an early curfew, etc. Because of this, I remained a good child until the summer of my senior year, when I rebelled a bit. Nothing serious, but my parents let me. And, my dad and I spent quality time together. My dad and I have always been close, but going out to dinner 2 or 3 times a month with just us two is very helpful for us. It gives us a chance to talk in neutral territory. So when things came up, my dad was able to voice his concern. Over winter break, I casually "dated" a guy. It was a complicated situation, but overall, I did it to spend more time with my female best friend. But, when I mentioned this guy to my dad, my dad said something to me about how this guy might not be the best choice for me. He had his reasons, mainly about difference in lifestyle. (My dad also thought this guy wanted to date me for the money...I'm not a spoiled brat, and I work, but we do better than most in my area.) So, he left it up to me, but he voiced his concerns in calm, neutral territory, and left out what he really thought (which was that this guy was a moron who was nowhere near good enough for me, LOL). So Peace, my tips to you are:
-Have your husband and daughter go to a restaurant with just the two of them (your daughter's favorite might be a good starting point) and just chat about different stuff...don't bring up anything serious. The father daughter relationship they have has to be stronger before the serious topics can be brought up.
-As a mom, you need to do something similar; either a girl's night out, or mani/pedis, or shopping at the mall for a few hours. For my mom and me, every night we sit on the couch, just the two of us, and talk about whatever. It's neutral territory. </p>

<p>As a rising college sophomore, I understand your situation, and your daughter's situation. I don't really drink, and this summer has consisted of me working, and hanging out with friends, and transferring to another college. So, being busy is always a good thing. I recommend that you find out something that your daughter would like to do, and have her sign up to do it for the rest of the summer...with you paying. Horseback riding lessons, dance classes, yoga classes, cooking classes, skydiving, scuba diving, etc. If my parents offered me lessons in whatever I wanted (within reason obviously haha), I would definitely take them up on it (college students LOVE free stuff). Maybe she will, maybe she won't, but it's worth a shot, as this would force her to do something different and hang out with different people.</p>

<p>Oh, and taking the car away is good punishment, but the ultimate threat in my house (I don't do anything much to merit punishment these days...but this puts fear into me) is to have the cell phone, car keys, and computer taken away. If I didn't have those things I would have no life. So, my advice is as well, go ahead and take the car away. People will get sick of having the schlepp her around eventually. </p>

<p>Well, sorry for the long post, but I wanted to share my story. My dad and I are pretty close. We aren't perfect, and we still have fights, but my parents expect me to behave a certain way. So, I try to follow their rules, and if I have a problem with a rule, we talk about it, and compromise. Good luck:)</p>

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<p>The classes start in a month, and I started feeling sad already.</p>

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<p>Yes, S goes back to college Aug. 12, and I am treasuring each day with him.</p>

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<p>I am thankful for this forum and the support/reflection/listening it provides.</p>

<p>I have two in college, one a rising junior and one a rising sophmore. We have our bumps in the family picture but so far they seem on target with most of what I have been reading here.</p>

<p>My problem (our problem) is that we (myself, husband and 2 younger kids) miss them terribly while they are away. We even miss the fights! The letting go is much harder than any of us ever imagined. A 12 year age span between the oldest and youngest constantly reminds us of the college age kids as youngsters and what lies ahead for the younger ones. There are days when I find it emotionally exhausting!</p>

<p>One of the reasons I appreciate this forum is that you folks (strangers) seem to get it . . . that experiencing your children carving a new path can be exciting, challenging and painful. Parents who are not in the throngs of it (with younger kids) don't seem to imagine that it will be so complicated/hard to experience this change in family dynamics. </p>

<p>Thanks all</p>

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<p>I haven't even gotten my D back yet. It is the summer before senior year and she stayed and worked on campus. we have a week at home together in August and we are traveling to visit relatives for a week. I am afraid I will be very possessive when she comes home! We are pretty close and her college friends have become much more vital and supportive in her life, so I don't think she will seek time with old hs friends.
I am a little nervous that it will go by too quickly and I will feel cheated by the little time we have together. sigh... what will I do when she doesn't "move" home anymore.</p>

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<p>OMG, your experience sounds exactly like mine last summer. It was so heartbreaking. Luckily, she dumped the summer guy when she got back to school. This summer she did not come home. She is interning in NYC. Now I am dealing with the fact that she will never live at this home, most likely, again. I'm pretty sure she will intern at the same company again next summer. After that she will be a senior, and then who knows. But I'm sure it will not be here.</p>

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<p>Yes, I have the "He's Flown the Coop Blues" as well. I didn't expect to have this happen so soon. (rising junior)</p>

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<p>Take my sophomore son. Please. /Rodney Dangerfield impersonation</p>

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<p>I had my post all ready to send and son walked in the room (for food, of course) and my YES, let him go back post just evaporated. We had yet another one of those later night 2 or so minute conversations that seem to make having him around ignoring me the rest of the time worthwhile. I have hopes for more conversations in future years, when the arrogance and feeling threatened by parents teenage phase is grown out of... having his apt as a junior this fall may help, as he won't need to be here, will be here when he wants to be here. Ah, the changing dynamics of parent child relationships.</p>

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<p>What did parents do when their kids moved around the world, via boat or camel? How did they feel when there adult child was in a wagon train across the planes?</p>

<p>We should remember those parents, or the parents whose kids are in battlefields, when we feel sad. We are indeed very lucky!!</p>

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<p>My son who has not been home for more than two weeks at a time since he started college 3 years ago is coming to stay for a semester because he has gotten an internship in our area. There are MANY, MANY positives, but I KNOW that we are going to have to go through a SERIOUS period of adjustment. He'll be over 21, so underaged drinking won't be an issue, and hopefully the internship plus part-time job (we won't be giving him any spending money, so he will be B-R-O-K-E) will keep him pretty busy.</p>

<p>Still, wish us LUCK.</p>

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<p>NOT ready for rising JR son to reutrn to college--he has been home participating in an REU at local University and was able to live at home. The summer has been great; he has connected with old friends, yet had to maintain a level of work eithic as if he were still in school. We have had great meals, conversation, etc. He is our only child and I suspect this will be his last summer home as he hopes to intern next summer, most likely out of state. Then summer after, he will hopefully be gainfully employed! Yes, I am sad--I have lived for the summer and tried not to think too far ahead. We are not ready for him to return!!!!</p>

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<p>I had to write after reading about the daughter with the great freshman year, wonderful grades, excellent adaptation to college life. Sounds like our daughter. She's been at home since 2nd week of May, worked a lifeguard job all summer, goes back on the 14th of August to move in to the sorority house to be part of fall recruitment. Recently, she's been talking about transferring to a college that has a competitive cheer team, as she was a cheerleader in high school & on a private competitive cheer team and loved it. She's tried out at the college where she is, once as an incoming freshman and again this spring, but didn't make the team. This cheer team isn't competitive, doesn't do stunts or tumbling, and generally isn't the kind of team she says she wants. My suspicion is that what she really wants is a simple answer to "What do I do now with my life?" in addition to the dilemma of a boyfriend who isn't really right for her any longer. Going to a different college is an "easy out" of the relationship problem -- but it isn't an answer. My husband is furious that she would even consider leaving this college, and her very nice tuition scholarship. I'm trying to be the referee, but what do I tell her now? Help!!!</p>

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<p>If your D wants to transfer, leave the ball in her court in terms of expecting her to pay for the transfer application and do all of the work to transfer. If the transfer would increase her college costs, tell her that she'd be responsible for that increase.</p>

<p>Consequently, if she's serious about transferring, she probably will. If she's simply looking for an easy way to solve some relatively minor problems, she won't bother to transfer.</p>

<p>It's her life: Let her be responsible for it.</p>

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<p>Thanks, NorthStarMom -- I think the transfer idea is a ruse, a way to avoid the truly big questions of what my daughter wants to be, etc. Picking out a school that has a competitive cheer team is an easy answer -- a known, if you will, and that is why it's appealing. Definitely, she will be on her own with any plans to apply elsewhere, try out elsewhere and finance the whole thing. Thx!</p>