<p>Do you know who you really need to ask "Are parents over-involved?" Our kids. </p>
<p>One thing you will find out when you become a parent is how much of our personal selves we manage right out of our kids' need-to-know horizons. When my kids were little I woke up with them every night. Is that what I wanted to do? Not. How did I gain the stamina to be that kind of resource for my kids? A mothers' group. Now I work full time. The mothers I used to know I can no longer connect to on a daily basis. This college process has been at times like getting up a 1:30am to nurse a baby just because my heart says it's the right thing to do. And yet I've needed a place to go for support because I vow my kids will get support from me without knowing the toll it takes.</p>
<p>So. While my daughter and son know I am highly involved, and think I am really weird for spending time on the Internet like this, they do not suffer. My daughter knew I expected her to do her best but that no matter what happened in the college process she would always be my deeply-loved first-born. She also knows, I promise you, that her life is hers to live. Ask my kids if I have been over-involved. Ask the kids of these other parents. I bet it feel really different over the kitchen counter than it does here on this board.</p>
<p>I think no one can know what parents do for their children until they become parents themselves.</p>
<p>Yes, I most certainly am and I make no apologies for it. My husband and I have worked hard and saved for 20 years to provide our kids with a good college education. It's our final gift to them as they enter adulthood. We have enjoyed watching them grow and mature and learn from their experiences. I wouldn't have it any other way.</p>
<p>Great post, Alumother. I couldn't have said it better. I'd also like to add - that selfishly, when I encounter people with younger children, their problems don't seem to move me as much anymore. Oh, I do give advice on diapering and early childhood learning. As much as I know myself. I know it is selfish. I move right along my son's development needs. When he was 5, he watched these kiddie movies. I would go to the movie hall with him and probably because of him, enjoy the movie a whole lot. Now that he is older and would not enjoy that, neither do I. But watching 'Closer' with him? Hmmm...that's another story.</p>
<p>I know for certain, parenthood is a special journey. And a sort of rediscovery of one's younger self through one's kids. And there DEFINITELY is something in our genes that programs us to behave this way.</p>
<p>achat- what a terrific way of putting it! while i dont live my life for them or trough them, i brought them here and owe them the best send off into adulthood that i can help them wiyh. and it is certainly interesting to see my younger days being replayed through their lives- boy does it make me feel older than i thought i was!!</p>
<p>Well, achat, there are all those rising seniors out there who will be very happy to benefit from your experience here. I think that's one of the roles of cc, a place for those of us who wish we had more kids.</p>
<p>cookiemom's point also suggests that "over" is a pejorative that may not apply. (1) There is a financial value to this investment -- for the student, for Higher Education, for society. Some of this investment is monetary; for some families, it is almost entirely labor. Either way, the results have financial value. (2) People-investment has community value; the more the investment, the greater the common good. There's no "over" about it, i.m.o. It's the most responsible investment a parent can make.</p>
<p>I can see the points some students & parents imply about obsessiveness, but the vast majority of that is talk, not action. We obsess in our speech & thoughts, perhaps, as Alumother notes, but those aspects remain overall the parents' realm, & the kids tune out what they don't need to hear or be involved in. It's theories and scenarios and reflections, most of which don't touch my D's eyes or ears. </p>
<p>(To the OP: most CC parents do not participate in the application specifics -- answers, essays, etc., except for the most minor advice. My D asked me little; I offered sparingly little; even with that, she had the last word on everything that went out in the mail. Don't measure investment too much by our long, rambling posts.)</p>
<p>Also, there's a big difference between the application period & the college years. I absolutely expect to be invested quite little in <em>her</em> 4 years, except if/as she initiates or wants that. I suspect she will want it little (except to share whatever news she wants to share); I suspect that because she will normally seek her independence & her self-formation. I will have little to do with that except listen, watch, and hopefully enjoy.</p>
<p>achat,
Want my D#2? I warn you, she's difficult. And maybe <em>you</em> can get her to think about colleges appropriate for her, as opposed to those for her big sis.</p>
<p>Perhaps not "over," but certainly quite invested - financially and otherwise!</p>
<p>However, the college process was in an of itself fascinating to me. It combines so many areas in which I have an interest - education, lifestyle, different paths for different people, etc. I truly enjoyed touring colleges and often would think, "This place wouldn't work for my D, but I could see it for so-and-so." It became something of a hobby. I have a second child in 9th grade, so the hobby can be justified as somewhat practical. </p>
<p>My D knows my posting name and sometimes checks out CC herself. She has only given me positive feedback on my posts, so it does not seem to be an issue for her. </p>
<p>Yes, perhaps some parents come off as "over the top" at times. Maybe I am one of them! ;) But I think it has been a harmless preoccupation. And I have come to know some great people through this! </p>
<p>Amen, Jyber. It was good seeing you in NYC. I got your e-mail but my box is backed up by about 300...will respond ASAP.</p>
<p>To the original question, I would think that we weren't "over-involved." Given the amount of information to obtain, sort, and evaluate, and given D's time commitment to EC and schoolwork, being a "project manager" was a good use of my time...she was staying up until midnight or 1am anyway...where were the college-search hours supposed to come from?
(She got a pass on many household responsibilities on the same basis...she had a job to do, was doing it, was doing it well, and had no time to spare.)</p>
<p>The original long list of possiblities was generated by my D's answers to questions about criteria. My D is the one who made the cuts from the list, did the visits, wrote the application essays, did the follow-up visits to the final candidates, made her choice. What more?</p>
<p>Along the way, she got a pair of sounding boards and perspectives on some issues from an adult perspective. Given some of the student posts I've seen on this board, I think that was a bonus for her.</p>