<p>“Four kids and three of them found the dishwasher the week before they went back to school…we were so proud that our ivy league kids only took 7 weeks to acquire this skill.”</p>
<p>It’s this sort of false self-deprecation that is a component of the problem. Sort of like, “see, my brilliant kids struggle to do mundane tasks, so they’re not perfectly perfect.”</p>
<p>Great thread!!!</p>
<p>Some casual acquaintances will brag, and never tell you about the foolish dangerous or stupid things that their kids do. That’s NOT because their kids are perfect - ALL kids have difficulties - but because they like to brag.</p>
<p>It’s kind of like when you say “how are you” to someone. Most people say fine; others take it as an opportunity to tell you in detail about the latest family medical news or SAT score that their kid got. </p>
<p>We share the real kid stories with a few close friends, the brilliant and the ugly. When casual acquaintances ask how the kids are doing we say “they’re doing fine” or some other mildly positive thing. In conversations about colleges or test scores we keep it pretty vague; I like CC because it lets me act out on my obsessions about college without boring people in person. If they do start bragging about their kids I either change the subject fast or - if I’m feeling mischevious - I start trotting out the SAT test scores, college list and school :-)</p>
<p>We ALL have stories about great things that are kids have done (and stupid things, too) and the many reasons why we are proud of our children.</p>
<p>It’s just that some people are boors about it.</p>
<p>Kei</p>
<p>Everyone tells me my D is perfect. And she seems to be on paper and in person to the non-discerning eye. People who know the both of us often put the question to me “how did you raise such an amazing kid?” (Because I am generally known not to be so saintly and perfect!) I am almost always proud of her and I do believe she is a much better and smarter version of me. We are very much alike and both quite stubborn so there has been head-butting over the years when we have disagreed, but that is not something that others see or are privy to. She just rarely does anything “wrong.” Once when she was about 8 she told me that she had brushed her teeth when she hadn’t–turned out she didn’t think I would let her finish reading her book before bedtime and worried if she took time out she wouldn’t get to the end. Her deception was written all over her face, and frankly, I thought it was kind of cute–though I kept it to myself. She has never been a very practiced liar and this continues to be the case at 18–we often joke about it. And, she actually even did her laundry at school the night before she came home for Thanksgiving break. Overall, I’d have to say that I am simply one of the lucky ones and I take little credit for my amazing kid. Nobody’s perfect not even her but she seemingly comes close most of the time. I did teach her right from wrong, set boundaries, gave her opportunities to expand her horizons, and allowed her to think for herself–which I felt were my parental duties. But as to her innate “goodness” that other people see as “perfection”–well, I think she just came out that way.</p>
<p>I think that this thread stops being helpful when it becomes a forum for people to list the how and why of their child’s extraordinary wonderfulness. I assume that most parents revel in their children’s endearing traits - “…she told me that she had brushed her teeth when she hadn’t,” but this as evidence of a person vying for canonization is pretty weak and something best left for parents and grandparents to appreciate.</p>
<p>Generally, people like to address solutions to problems or they look for similar and thus, reassuring experiences. Assertions that children, “Just came out that way” add absolutely nothing to the discussion.</p>
<p>NicHayTea --thank you for the best laugh I’ve had in ages!</p>
<p>I totally concur with YDS on our “near perfect” “adopted” kids on the '10 parents thread. I love that they come visit (SURELY to gather the amazing wisdom from all the sages there! 
,especially because I get almost none of that type of conversation from my S. I just wish I could get a bit of keil or rocket or mdemvizi or the others to rub off on him somehow…</p>
<p>Many of our friends and acquaintances are the parents of our kids’ schoolmates. More than once we have listened to portrayals of “perfection,” only to hear the real story from our kids - and usually their friends aren’t hiding anything, it’s entirely the parents who are exaggerating or covering up. </p>
<p>We try to limit our bragging to the minimum allowable in any given social setting (not that we don’t want to brag, but once you start there’s the danger of poor manners), and talk in detail about our children’s accomplishments, limitations or problems (and they’ve had all three), only to our closer friends and family.</p>
<p>Some people really do have a need to describe every experience in superlatives, and that quirk carries over to the description of their kids’ experiences, as well. I think it’s a kind of personality disorder, because I really don’t think they believe what they say - and sometimes I don’t think they expect us to believe them, either.</p>
<p>Son brought home about 6 pair of boxers over thanksgiving break. That was it. He wore shorts on the plane home and back. A lot of people used to comment about son’s work ethic in school (he is hugely on task, rarely procrastinates, and uses his time far more wisely than I ever could). But I used to say, “yes, he’s a dedicated student, but everyone has issues.” He can be a little self-centered and thinks he was born with a pedestal attached to his butt, but we’re working on it. As my older D likes to point out, his sarcasm is borderline but he seems to know when he has crossed that line and makes a quick retreat to appease or humor the offended. My problem with him is that he IS so quick witted and charming that it’s hard to be mad at him long enough to make the point that I AM mad at him. Really ticks me off. There’s good and bad to everyone. I used to tell me kids that my biggest fear was to be one of those parents who when other parents looked at them they weren’t thinking… “Oh if she only knew.” So I know MOST of what my kids have done or enough to know they are no where near perfect.</p>
<p>Olive, I thought this was just general musing from the OP and others have followed suit. None of this is that big a deal. My good friends don’t know the specifics of my kids’ negatives or their positives – things like exact SAT scores, etc.</p>
<p>I think most people are saying what’s the point of telling others that their kids wet the bed until they were 16 or still sucks their thumb or keeps uploading porn to the family computer?</p>
<p>I, too, have adopted kids on CC. They have the wonderful quality of my nephews and nieces in that I can cheer them on without feeling one bit of responsibility! Also, they do not leave wet towels on the floor, nor to they leave empty cartons in the cabinet. Not even one of them has ever left a fifth grade project until 9pm the night before it is due, and I have never sat up with any of them crying through the nite over a broken heart, or watched them dance in absolute excitement over a completely unearned award, or a hard won victory. I have never driven for hours with them just to get them to talk about the incredible disappointments life hands us all and I never got up at three am to feed any of them.</p>
<p>But, man, I really want the best for them. Same with my own incredibly imperfect but really fantastic kids. I love the cyberworld. It is so un-messy! :)</p>
<p>I think sometimes what you love most about someone is also what drives you crazy about that person. For example, DH has a soft heart and will give someone the shirt off his back if they are in need. I love that about him. But he will give the shirt off his back even if he doesn’t have it to give…drives me crazy. Would I change him? Not a chance.</p>
<p>Same thing with DD, she’s an only because of my medical issues. She’s a great kid who was really easy to raise and is generous and giving, like her dad, but she’s not perfect just as none of us are. I just feel so blessed to have a healthy child who I think makes this world a better place that I choose to overlook the little things that drive me crazy about her.</p>
<p>It’s amazing how seemingly perfect kids (to the outside world) can drive their own parents to the brink of insanity.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>My son did that too! 
Sounds like our boys would get along great.</p>
<p>History - I just read that your S did that too! Too funny - they really do think alike. :)</p>
<p>One man I met said if he had stopped at one child he would be on the lecture circuit advising parents on how to raise perfect children. However, he had three children. So now he knows those perfect children, there is luck involved…</p>
<p>Yes I have two perfect children, and I absolutely know there is luck involved.</p>
<p>When a parent brags about how “popular” her children are, I amoften tempted to respond “Oh, you mean she’s a slut and he’s a drunk?”</p>
<p>^ glad there’s no quick to judgement going on. :-)</p>
<p>Olive007 said: “Assertions that children, “Just came out that way” add absolutely nothing to the discussion.”</p>
<p>Actually, the recognition that genetics plays a huge role can go along way to help people deal with the “kid on the couch.” </p>
<p>We parents tend to act as if the kids are a blank slate upon which we are to mold their morals, manners, behaviors and habits. It ain’t true; genetics plays a larger role in how our kids behave than we like to admit. And that can be a source of relief for those of us that have “interesting” children.</p>
<p>That also provides humility for us when the kid does something fantastic, too: we can’t take too much credit for it :-).</p>
<p>Kei</p>
<p>P.S. My recollection of Pinker’s grossly oversimplified conclusion in The Blank Slate was that what peoople do is about 50% genetics, about 40% their unique environment growing up (of which parents are a part) and about 10% what parents teach.
[Steven</a> Pinker - Books - The Blank Slate](<a href=“http://pinker.wjh.harvard.edu/books/tbs/index.html]Steven”>http://pinker.wjh.harvard.edu/books/tbs/index.html)</p>
<p>In the last 4 weeks, my son has…
swallowed a paper clip (3 trips to xray)
caused an accident while teaching a friend to drive stick
and set the macadam driveway on fire with a potato. </p>
<p>One day this kid may be leading troops in combat. My fellow Americans, don’t you feel safe? ;)</p>
<p>Modadunn: in defense of yabeyabe…the “popular” connotation referred to is actually fairly common in “our neck of the woods” so no, it’s not a rush to judgment…fairly accurate, actually…</p>
<p>I have two girls never raised them on the notion of being perfect. In the movie little women Jo says “I am hopelessly flawed” as we all are. My kids are good people make their share of mistakes that they needed to learn from, but I am very proud of them. My D1 was very popular at school in leadership roles, not a slut or drunk. D2 is quieter. Most adults love my kids, they are polite, respectful. I guess its all in what you think is perfect, I think I am raising to people that will be good for our world, that is good enough for me.</p>
<p>So I often read quickly through these threads and it s more of the same…however, sometimes I run across a commet like this:</p>
<p>“and set the macadam driveway on fire with a potato.”</p>
<p>dougbetsy, care to provide details? This sounds good (and much closer to my kids than the other comments in this thread)</p>